A Black World Washed White
by Saya-Sama
Summary: He saw through a fake smile, and accepted what lied beyond, but is the treacherous past and cold heart beyond that false smile too much to bare?How long will it be before he can't take it anymore? KanAre TykiAre LaviAre shonenai semiAU Allen torture Permanent Hiatus
1. Starting Line

1. Starting Line

He rolled side to side, becoming entangled in his bed-sheets. A cold sweat poured down the beauty's face, that same countenance was contorted in sadness and pain. Once again, Allen was visited by dreams of his beloved father, on the day that Allen himself had destroyed Mana. He woke up, sitting up quickly.

'_I must get over this...if I can't forgive myself, I can never continue to walk forward...'_

He was so unsure of all he did, was he going to stop moving on day? Just stand in one instance in time, and never move forward again? Allen shook those thoughts out of his head; no, he wouldn't think such a thing, worrying would only hold him fast to the time he was in now.

'_I promised,' _he thought, '_I promised to keep going forward.'_

Allen decided that getting out of bed would be best for now; he couldn't stand to be still, if one could call him that, and instead opted to walk to the cafeteria, where he could bury his worries in his gluttony. Allen, being the parasite-type he was, needed to eat for both himself and his anti-akuma weapon, so he usually ate about half his body weight a day.

Allen had another problem though, one he couldn't blame on his innocence. This problem was his atrocious sense of direction; he was sure that if there was an award for getting lost, he would most certainly win. But then again, how could one _not_ get lost in this maze he called "home"?

'_I can't believe I'm still getting lost after all this time...'_

Truth be told, it really hadn't been all that long since he'd come here, just a few months. And to add to his shield of excuses, he wasn't even present at the castle through most of those months, but instead out on missions. Still, Allen's sense of direction was a shame even with his given excuses. He was wishing a kind and smiling face would suddenly turn into the hall he alone was in and graciously led him to the cafeteria. Unfortunately, no such person appeared.

'_I'm lost, incredibly lost...again. I'll be lost all night at this rate...eheh... all because I was restless... How cruel fate is.'_

It was rather late though, around midnight, anyone who worked out in the field should be asleep at this time; exorcists can't suffer from insomnia, else they impair their fighting abilities and judgment. Allen couldn't blame the others for being asleep, as he knew he should be too. The youth sighed, shrugging his shoulders wearily. He'd love to backtrack to his room but he had already forgotten which hall he last took, everything begins to look the same after a certain amount of wandering. Allen took a minute to lean against the wall of the hallway, and tried to grasp some memory of the halls he had just traveled down. It wasn't working. What Allen wouldn't do for a friendly face. Unfortunately, what he got was far from what he hoped for.

Allen collided with something hard as he turned the corner, and stumbled backwards a few step.

"Watch where you're walking, Moyashi. What the hell is a brat like you doing up at this time?"The unforgettable voice of none other than Kanda Yuu hit Allen's ears hard; must the older boy always sound so angry?

"S-sorry... and I was just getting ...a snack," Allen said, looking to the side indignantly. He wasn't about to say he was lost, he simply would not admit that to _Kanda Yuu_ of all people, anyone but him. Why? Because Allen couldn't stand the raven-haired exorcist, he was Allen's constant rival, and most importantly Allen wanted this person's respect, if for no other reason than to prove he was worthy of it. His efforts seemed fruitless though, as it seemed Kanda was dead-set on never acknowledging Allen.

"Right, and can I assume you're going in the _exact opposite direction_ of the cafeteria because you are lost, Moyashi?" Kanda asked in an "I'm really too tired to be dealing with idiots" tone. The older boy rubbed his temples, as though Allen's presence was enough to give him a migraine. Allen felt like doing the same, he couldn't stand Kanda's presence; it simply disrupted his normal, kind way of thinking. Allen sighed again; even if he did tell Kanda that he was not lost he knew Kanda wouldn't believe him. Though Kanda was not the most book-smart person, he had instinct, and some damned good instincts at that. Mainly, he was extremely good at telling a lie from truth; but that wouldn't stop Allen from denying his lost state.

"No, I'm not lost..." A weak defense, he only just realized that he had no reason why he would be going in this direction if he was not lost, and therefore could not think of a good excuse to back up his actions.

"Right, and I'm your twin. Come on Moyashi," Kanda said, taking Allen's wrist and pulling him in the opposite direction. Allen was confused, was Kanda alright in the head? Did he realize that he was making physical contact with the cursed boy? Kanda was usually not the type to touch anyone, specifically Allen, unless it was to hurt them.

"W-where are you taking me?" Allen asked, in his half-asleep stupor he failed to realize the obvious answer to his own question.

"Where else, Moyashi? The cafeteria... I was headed there myself anyways, I might as well bring you there. Stop getting lost already, I won't help you again."

Allen was dumb-struck, _The Kanda Yuu_ was being...dare he think it, nice? Was he showing some form of compassion, or at the very least consideration? Allen, not being able to think of anything to say- though he was sure that if he could, it wouldn't have made it out of his mouth- stayed silent. Finally, the two boys reached the doors to the cafeteria, doors Allen knew very well. He faintly wondered if anyone would still be in the kitchen. The two walked in, and Allen weakly tried to tug his arm out of Kanda's grasp; had the older boy not realized he still held the younger's wrist? Kanda looked down, realized he was still holding onto Allen and quickly let go of him, then looked back ahead.

"Um... is anyone still back there...?" Allen asked, looking back into the kitchen. Luckily for him, Jeryy was still there.

"Oh my! What's my favorite cutie doing up? And this late with Kanda no less? Please tell me you're keeping things pg?"

Allen, in all his cute cluelessness, cocked his head to the side, a blank look on his face. He was tired, that was excuse enough for not understanding. However, Kanda understood perfectly what the cook was asking, and he glared accordingly.

"What do you think _baka_ cook?" He asked, in a pointed voice that screamed "You _really _better not say anything like that_ ever, ever again._" The motherly man pouted at Kanda's glare, and crossed his arms over his chest.

"So what can I do for you cutie?" Jeryy asked, ignoring Kanda's glares and focusing his attention on his favorite little bundle of cute.

"Ok... um... three bowls of Domburi, five bowls of gyudon ramen, an order of yakitori, and ten dished of Mitarashi dango is all," Allen said, thinking that as this was a midnight snack, he shouldn't eat much. Jeryy looked a little surprised by the comparatively small order, Allen usually asked for a paragraph of food.

"Ok sweetie, comin' right up," the cook said. Then Jeryy looked over to the scowling exorcist that was Kanda, and decided to ask the rude gentleman if he was here for anything.

"Tempura," he answered simply, the cook could think of which type would suit him best for the moment. Allen and Kanda both waited together outside of the kitchen's window, an awkward silence floating between them. Allen shifted on his feet uncomfortably. Finally Jeryy came back with the meals prepared. Allen gratefully took his, finally he could drown out his thoughts with his beloved dango, and assorted other things.


	2. Komlin the Third

2: Komlin the Third

The exorcist rose into a sitting position, and sat on his bed for a while, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. No, Kanda Yuu was _not_ a morning person. It didn't help that just the night before, just after he had returned from a mission, he had ended up taking the Moyashi to the cafeteria, so the amount of sleep he'd gotten was minimal.

'_Damn Moyashi... being stupid and getting lost...'_

Still, Kanda questioned his actions of the night before; why on earth had he helped that idiot? Why not just let him wander around until he eventually found his way back to his room? Kanda simply should have just made his grumpy way to his room. How could Allen get lost so easily anyway? And on a separate note, why wasn't Allen afraid of him? Anyone else in this castle would've seen a grumpy Kanda and all but run away. But Allen had instead let the annoyed exorcist lead him by the hand to the dining hall! The thought of doing something that could be mistaken as kind just fueled his fury, a fury he would be sure to take out on many a practice dummy, and anyone who chose to get on his bad side that particular day.

'_Today's gonna be hell... I can just feel it...'_

The raven-haired boy was right, for little did he know that just walking out the door of his room would bring him into a world of chaos, brought on by none other than the mad scientist himself, Komui.

Unfortunately, not knowing this fact, he did indeed step through the door after finishing the morning routine of showering and what-not. As soon as he did, he was hit full-force by something. Make that someone. It was a comparatively small boy, with thick spectacles and a strange head-set on. Kanda recognized him as one of the personnel from the science department.

"Quick Kanda, come with me!" The boy said, in a rushed voice, as he grabbed Kanda and ran for it; he was much faster than he looked. Kanda, being unprepared for this, followed along, it was too early to think and protest, though he would be sure to glare to his heart's content as soon as they stopped.

They did finally stop at the large platform, that was seemingly hovering in the center of the tower. Kanda was annoyed, as he realized why he-along with everyone else in the vicinity- was being brought here. Komui had done it again, he'd made yet another Komlin, this was the third. Kanda walked straight up to Komui.

"WHAT DID YOU UNLEASH ON THE BLACK ORDER THIS TIME YOU IDIOT SCIENTIST!?" He yelled, in all his not-a-morning-person-glory. The scientist shrunk back and away from the maniac-looking Japanese. See? Even Komui, his superior feared him, what right did that white haired brat have not to? Speaking of which...

"Kanda, it may be early, but there's no need to yell. It was just ...another... insane robot thing... again," the very person in which he had placed his hate in stated. But he too, seemed just a bit annoyed by the thought of dealing with yet another Komlin. He must've remembered being sacrificed to the second one by Komui a while back. All to save his precious Lenalee, who had ended up saving them all, proving that she really didn't need saving. She also took her resulting anger out on Komui; she didn't like how he'd given Allen to the beast. It was apparent that she had a crush on the silver-haired boy, apparent to everyone but said boy.

"Tch... yeah... I just wake up, after getting all of three hours of sleep, to be rushed here because the idiot let another robot drink coffee or something ridiculous like that, and you say it's no reason to yell," Kanda grumbled, glaring at the smaller boy, but he backed down anyways, it was too early to do much more than yell. Komui broke out in hysterics as Johnny broke out the machine gun aiming, it at the insane robot that was wreaking havoc on headquarters. The entire science department besides Johnny was restraining Komui and all the others gathered there were pretty much watching in horror. Seeing as the exorcists seemed to be useless in this predicament, they all sat in the center of the rocking platform.

"This is kinda cool, eh guys?" Lavi said, looking around with excitement at the mayhem. Then he pulled his headband down off his head and started to play with it, pulling it round and round his neck. His A.D.D. was incredible. Allen smiled awkwardly, obviously not thinking the disarray was something to be excited over. Lenalee walked over to the group and offered some coffee to them to cure their nerves, how was it that she always had coffee or tea with her? And where on this platform did she get it from? Lavi took some happily, and Allen took a cup of tea then poured mass amounts of sugar into it, thanking Lenalee as he did so. Kanda took tea as well, but didn't add even the smallest amount of sugar; he hated sweets of all kinds with a passion.

"Yuuuuu-chaaaaaaann! Why are you being so grouchy today!" The excited red-head asked, stretching the brooding raven-haired boy's cheeks. Kanda grabbed Lavi's hands in a vice-grip, and turned to face the boy, who had gone behind him, an angry twitch in his eye.

"Tch...It's early... I didn't get much sleep... I just got back last night... I woke up to this shit... and lastly you of all people should know that I am not a morning person... and that I'm ALWAYS LIKE THIS YOU ANNOYING IDIOT!"

Lavi pouted and hid behind Allen. "Allen-chaaaaan! Yuu-chan's being scary!"

"Kanda, could you not be so rude this early in the morning..."

"If I had Mugen with me, I'd skin you both and then give your entrails to Jeryy to cook. Does that about answer your question?"

Allen shivered, feeling the blood-lust. "Y-yeah... just about..."

"Good."


	3. Emotions toward perfection

**Disclaimer: Saya does not own -Man, she would gladly buy the rights to it though if she could. She would also add nearly unbearable amounts of yaoi to it. Oh how Saya wishes she owned -Man.**

**Rated: Teen, just to be safe, Saya is far to young for lemons and such, but she is not above excessive swearing, and hinting at 'things.'**

3. Emotions Toward Perfection

The exorcists sat back and waited as the science department held back Komui and let Johnny completely obliterate Komlin. This was the third time something like this had happened, though Allen had only been here for the second. The science Department knew all Komui's tricks, and this time Allen wasn't being sacrificed to save the robot from the Science Department or Lenalee from the robot.

"Well... crisis averted...I guess," Reever said to the group, as he looked over to the rest of the department, who were beating the now trashed robot. Allen looked over to the display of violence against an inanimate object and smiled, chuckling awkwardly.

'_What weird people...eheh.'_

"If that's all done now, I think I'll head for the cafeteria, anyone else wanna come with me?" Allen asked. Lenalee smiled and nodded, and the two were about to leave, but ...

"Kanda would you like to come with us?" As always, Allen was trying to be kind to the cold raven-haired exorcist. Why he had bothered asking he didn't know, Kanda would probably just glare, give his usual "tch" and walk off.

"Tch... I'm going back to sleep. Don't annoy me with stupid questions Moyashi," he said with the expected glare. Allen sighed, what was the point of him asking that ice cube with legs anything? Lenalee, always sympathetic, placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Well, he's probably just still grumpy from his mission yesterday, you should leave him be for now. To the cafeteria, right?" She asked, smiling and pointing down the hall. Lenalee always made excuses for Kanda's behavior, and always told Allen it wasn't personal. She simply didn't want the young boy's mood to take a dip for the worst.

Lenalee silently wished he wouldn't always be so kind to the rude exorcist. She didn't like how he would look sad, or angry, or hurt, even if only for a split second after Kanda's rude responses. Everyone had grown to love the light that naturally radiated from him, and she thought it must be a crime to extinguish that light for even a millisecond. Allen nodded at her, he smile back, not a trace of disappointment on his face.

'_Good... I don't want you to be upset... even for a moment._

Lenalee had developed a serious crush on the younger boy since she'd met him. He was polite, soft-spoken, and unfathomably kind. He was also absolutely adorable and handsome at the same time. Her feelings of infatuation only grew when he returned from his first mission. Though he told the story in his report formally, and didn't speak about it in a bragging tone, she knew he had done an amazing job. The way he had helped the doll uphold her promise, even when she wasn't herself, and even when an akuma was attacking was touching, hardly anyone had such purity at his age, that need to help others. Allen seemed absolutely perfect to her. Was it possible for a person to be so selfless?

He ordered his rather large meal, she ordered right after. They took a seat at one of the deserted tables. Lavi came up to the table too, carrying a substantial amount of food, but it was nothing in comparison to Allen's mountain.

"Hey Lavi, I thought you got hulled off by Bookman?" Allen asked, putting his fork down to properly talk to his friend.

"I barely escaped with my life! Man panda is so harsh! I can barely get out of the library these days! I'm glad I got caught up in all that craziness up there, just for the sake of something different!" Lavi said, looking as vibrant as always. Lavi was much like Allen in one respect, they both smiled so much. But they were different; Lavi was a flirt, and he was a joker, and childish, and sometimes pretty selfish. He could also stand to be a little more respectful to Bookman. Allen, on the other hand, never so much as looked at a girl the wrong way, he was always sincere, and he seemed rather mature most of the time.

'_He's also the only other person who's __not__ afraid of Kanda.' _As admittedly bias as her opinion was, she would stand by it, like any love-struck girl.'_We're exorcists, but we're human too... It's not wrong for me to like Allen, is it?'_

Lenalee was slowly but surely coming to terms with her feelings, right now she was in the phase where she's convincing herself it's fine for her to be like this. She had already passed denial, and her next step was full acceptance and finally admittance. She still had a long way to go until she could tell him how she felt though, she'd need a lot of courage to confess this to someone who seemed so perfect and far away from herself.

She ate quietly as Lavi went on about his latest assignment, Allen gorging on food bus still being attentive.

"Is something wrong, Lenalee?" Allen asked, looking at her worriedly.

"Oh, I'm fine, why?" She asked with fake cheer. She was trying to push herself forward in her mind, and berating herself for her cowardice all the way.

"You've being kind of quiet is all, and you look like you're thinking hard on something," he said. Lenalee blushed slightly, was she letting her emotions flow out so freely? Embarrassed, she looked down at her food, hoping her hair would cover her blush.

"I'm fine, just thinking about how ge-ge must be taking the destruction of his robot," she lied, and they believed her; she was always concerned for her brother and no one doubted their deep love that only siblings could share.

But still, if Allen had one fault, it was that he was dense. How could he be so blind to her emotions?

**A/N: Hello dear reader! Saya-sama would like to thank you for reading this piece of junk that she calls a story! She's trying very hard to find some plot for it, so please be patient! Saya is switching off third person POV's. First Allen's, then Kanda's, and now Lenalee. can you guess who's next? Anyways, please review, for Saya is filled with joy every time she gets one.**


	4. Mission: seperate Allen from Lenalee!

**Disclaimer: Saya does not own -Man, she would gladly buy the rights to it though if she could. She would also add nearly unbearable amounts of yaoi to it. Oh how Saya wishes she owned -Man.**

**Rated: Teen, just to be safe, Saya is far to young for lemons and such, but she is not above excessive swearing, and hinting at 'things.'**

4. Mission

It had been a week since the latest Komlin catastrophe, and things were returning to normal. For Komui, 'normal' meant being buried in paperwork. Paperwork that he would get intimidated by and save for later. When later came, he would have even more, and he would once again find some excuse to not do it. Occasionally, Reever or Lenalee would manage to force him to do at least a portion of his work, but those days were few and far apart. As it was, he would rather be in one of his experiment rooms, tinkering with Timcampy, and making robots that were _supposed_ to help, but usually didn't. He couldn't help it; it was in his nature to make strange things. He really did want to help those who worked under him though, if only he could make their work loads lighter, then all the destruction caused by his prototypes would be worth it.

'_Blown to pieces... I'll never forgive you Johnny!'_

The mad scientist exploded in another fit of tears at the thought of his beloved Komlin being destroyed by a machine gun that was much too large and high-tech to be part of this era. But then again, so were the golems, and many of the things that the Black Order dealt with. And though Komui loved each and every one of his deranged creations, he knew that he would indeed forgive Johnny for obliterating Komlin. He knew that people's safety was more important than his robots', but still... poor Komlin.

On a separate note, another one of the Head officer's duties needed to be fulfilled. There was a simple mission that needed to be done, and he knew the perfect people to send on it. Though He was sure that even the more stupid of the two, which was a hard thing to decide, could finish it alone, the recent murder of several exorcists called for extra precaution.

"Lenalee! Please get Kanda and Allen for me?" He asked as his sister walked up to him and placed his rabbit mug down before him; she always gave him his coffee last, so that she could leave the tray under it, that way if it spilt he wouldn't have to worry about the surrounding paperwork.

"Ok ge-ge... but are you sending them on another mission together? You should realize that they don't work well together... it could be a problem if they got into a fight... I could go... instead of Kanda... He could be needed on a more important mission anyways." She said the last part quickly, to cover up her blunder. She looked down, but Komui could still see the blush that rose to her cheeks.

That was yet another one of Komui's worries, Lenalee. He was well aware of her feelings towards a certain silver-haired exorcist, and couldn't stand it. It's not as though he hated Allen, more like he hated anyone who could possibly take his beloved sister away. And though he had nothing against Allen and thought the boy was very nice, he did not like the idea of him being with Lenalee. The boy was too dense for his own good, and while he knew Allen would protect Lenalee if the time came, he would most likely never realize how she felt for him if she didn't outright admit to it. Also, he was a mystery, a complete enigma. His past, his Master, his curse, and his unexplainable smile most of all were all shrouded in shadow. What person could constantly smile as though nothing's wrong? The world was falling to hell and yet he smiled.

Did he smile for his happiness, or was it for the sake of those around him? He was the beckon of light in the Black Religious Order, yet Komui could not see Lenalee being completely happy with him, or vice versa. Therefore he hoped that by not giving Lenalee the chance to bond with the young boy, he could stunt the progression of her feelings that would eventually cause her even more grief than they had already. That may have seemed a cruel thing to do, but Komui wasn't trying to prevent his sister -or Allen- from being in love. If he could stop her from getting any more attached to the boy that she already was, maybe he could save her some heartbreak, that's all Komui wanted.

"Lenalee, I know you could do just as good a job on the field as Allen or Kanda, but those two need to learn to work together. They're on the same side of this war; they should try to get along."

That was his official reason for having those two go together again, and it was just as true as his unofficial one. Kanda was an ass, no denying that, but he could still work civilly with the other exorcists. Everyone except for Allen. Why? Because Allen was simply himself, the exact opposite of Kanda. He was kind, and soft-hearted, never had a mean word for anyone, and though he could be awkward, and he made mistakes, he fixed them with his smile, and hard work. Kanda on the other hand was cold, with a heart of steel that never let anything in or out. He was cruel with his words, and wouldn't bat an eyelash at a crying person. He never made mistakes, and he couldn't tolerate it when others did either. They were opposites.

'_But opposites are supposed to attract, so maybe... one day they can reach a middle ground, they just need some prodding in the right direction.'_

"I know ge-ge, it's just... I hate it when they fight..."

Komui of course knew why that was too, because Allen was always left a little dejected after Kanda's ruthless onslaught of insults. Once again, the oblivious boy's feelings managed to affect his dear sister's mood, and for the worst.

"Well, let's see if enough time together can make them stop, shall we?" He asked, giving her a reassuring smile. She smiled back, and left to get the aforementioned exorcists.

000

"So what's our mission?" Allen asked, now seated if front of Komui on the old, worn, stained, and disheveled couch that sat in front of Komui's desk.

"You two will be going to the United State's branch of the Order. You're simply going to pick up a few pieces of innocence they have there. Since the innocence needs to stay in Hevlaska until we find its Accommodator, it needs to be brought over here," Komui answered. The mission was simple enough, go to the capitol of the U.S., get the innocence they had there, and return back. However, it was also a rather dangerous mission, they would be transporting more than one piece of innocence, and the akuma were sure to be drawn to it. Therefore, this mission could prove to be rather difficult and complicated, and it would be very long, considering the fastest ships could only get across the Atlantic at one month the quickest. Just two more reasons why not to send his dear, sweet Lenalee out on this mission. The possibility of Lenalee being attacked by akuma at sea, in a ship which could sink, was not one he was fond of. So Allen and Kanda would instead be deployed, and if something horrid should happen well... he hoped they were good swimmers.

"Tch... troublesome mission... and with the Moyashi too? This gets better and better..." Kanda said sarcastically, rather annoyed with the whole affair.

"Well too bad, we need to bring the innocence to Hevlaska, and we need exorcists to work in pairs for the sake of safety, so stop your grumbling," Komui said, in his business voice that he only used when he was talking seriously about something important that pertained to innocence and the Black Order. He received a glare from Kanda, who received a reprimand from Allen for glaring at his supervisor, who was receiving a bash over the head for scolding a testy Kanda.

_I get the feeling that they would kill each other before the Akuma could..._

**A/N: hello again, dear readers! So Saya has thought up a simple mission for the two, one where they will have at the very least two months away from any order members! What does Saya intend to do with this perfectly good opportunity? You must read the next chapter and the next, and so on to find out, for Saya herself will have absolutely no idea until she writes them... yes, Saya is simply thinking on her feet .. Fingers ... for this one. No matter! Review please! It's chicken noodle soup to the author's soul! And speaking of which... this author is feeling sicky and is going to go get some chicken noodle soup... ciao!**


	5. Seabound

**Heya and hello to you! It's been a while since Saya has updated this story! Thank you for the reviews! She's done some research in hopes of getting things right, but for some reason, even wiki couldn't help much. While Saya is getting enough accurate information for when they land in America, the two will be taking their sweet time getting there, so enjoy!**

**Is Allen pregnant yet? No? That'd be funny, but even if Saya did own -Man, she probably wouldn't do that... oh well, she still doesn't own it anyways...**

**Rated: Teen, just to be safe, Saya is far too young for lemons and such, but she is not above excessive swearing, and hinting at 'things'.**

5. sea-bound

"Whoa..."

Allen looked at all the ships in the harbor, most were massive. He walked behind Kanda, who was looking forward with an air of indifference; it was obvious he couldn't care less about the ships around him. Ahead of Kanda was the finder who would be accompanying them, Toma. It seemed that any time Allen was paired up with Kanda, Toma always came with them. Of course, Allen had no problem with that, Toma was nice and very patient with Allen's lack of knowledge about what their missions. He knew he could ask Toma about anything he didn't understand, which was a good thing because Kanda most definitely would not.

Toma pointed out the ship that would be carrying the trio to New York. After that they would meet a Finder at the port, be escorted to a train, and be taken down to Washington D.C. where the North American branch of the Black Order was. Allen faintly wondered if they would have to go through customs.

'_Probably not... We've never had to before. Besides, all our paperwork is in order so I should think not...'_

Shaking the idea of customs out of his head, Allen boarded the ship behind Kanda and Toma. He was led along to the cabin they would be sharing, Allen looked around curiously. Once again, the young boy would be traveling first class, something that he had yet to get used to. The exorcists always seemed to use first class transportation; maybe it was because less people used first class. If there were less people around, then less people are likely to get hurt if a battle were to break out.

000

"So... If there's more than one piece of Innocence that needs to be transported, then why aren't one of the General's doing this?" Allen asked, it was a good question. Usually the only members of the Black Order allowed to carry more than one piece of innocence at a time were the Generals, because they had over 100 percent synchronization with their anti-akuma weapons and so much as one innocence was enough to draw a multitude of Akuma to them.

"Well... the General's are all very busy as it is, trying to find Accommodators to the innocence they already carry with them. Besides that, it's very hard to track them down; we don't know where half of them are at this point in time."

'_I know they're not but... why does it seem as though all the generals are like my Master...'_

General Cross Marian, who always hid in the shadows from the Order, was of course one of the missing Generals. The fact that other Generals were missing was not very reassuring. Allen was well aware that the only General who purposely didn't contact the Order regularly was his master, but still... even if it was accidental, the others were starting to seem like Cross.

"I see. So how did the Order come to have a branch in the U.S.? And wouldn't that stand out a lot? I mean when I think Black Order all I see is a big black castle..."

"The Building is inside the Washington Monument."

"Oh..."

'_So they operate from inside a tourist attraction!? That seems a little daring...'_

Allen sighed and laid back in his cot, he was suddenly feeling very tired, he didn't even want to go and check out the ship's restaurant or anything.

'_There's something wrong if I'm not interested in food...'_

He turned over and put his face in his pillow, the sudden feeling of apathy towards everything made him just want to sleep. Which is what he did, he fell asleep, with the soothing sound of the waves, and the gentle rocking of the ship that was hardly noticeable in the medium sized room.

000

'_Ugh... I still don't want to get up...' _Allen groaned as he pushed himself up a little, so that he was supporting his upper body with his elbows._ 'Wait... wasn't it about this time when I went to sleep...? Does that mean...'_

Allen pushed himself out of bed so quickly that he fell to the floor. Upon hearing the loud thumping of a body hitting the floor, Toma came into the room.

"So you're finally awake Sir Walker," he said, while Allen recollected himself.

"Have I been asleep all that long?"

"For nearly a whole day. You must've been very tired."

That was true, Allen hadn't had a good nights sleep in ages. He was tortured by the memory of Mana Walker, the father he loved, the father he brought back and killed. Could he ever get over that one instance in his life?

"Maybe you should go out onto the Deck, Sir Walker. The view of the ocean is lovely," Toma suggested. Allen nodded, and got up off the floor. He would take Toma's advice and go out onto the deck. He thanked the finder and left the room on slightly wobbly legs; he wasn't used to walking on a ship yet.

When taking in the salty sea air, Allen was hit with a sudden feeling of nausea. He went quickly to the edge of the boat and started vomiting.

'_Great... I get sea-sick...that can't be good.'_

It wasn't good for him at all. As a parasitic type, he needed to eat extreme amounts of food otherwise he would not have the energy to properly wield his Anti-Akuma weapon. But because he was on a ship with a limited food supply, he could not eat his fill without practically starving the other passengers, and therefore would have to eat normal portions for a month. If that wasn't bad enough, then this definitely made the situation it's worst possible. If Allen was gonna puke up the little food he _did_ eat, who knew what could happen to him?

Allen managed to stop purging over the side of the boat and turned, leaning on the sturdy railing of the ship, breathing heavier than normal. He heard footsteps approaching him, and then saw a pair of chunky black boots with more straps than seemed necessary.

"Idiot Moyashi, you should've told someone if you get seasick so easily."

'_Ugh... great, just what I needed right now, to be berated by him...' _Allen looked up to see Kanda glaring at him, like he was weak and unsightly.

"Wait here for a minute..." The older exorcist said, sighing like he was about to do some back-breaking chore. Allen did as told, only because he did not feel as though he could move from his spot, nor did he trust his stomach to allow him to. When Kanda came back, he held a plate of food and a glass of water in his hands. Allen gave him an inquisitive look, what's the point of putting _more _food in a stomach that could ultimately reject it?

"It's ginger root, and water. Ginger is a natural remedy for seasickness, and you're probably dehydrated from not drinking anything all day. Plus, that monster you call a stomach is empty, which makes one more prone to being sick."

Allen starred at the raven-haired boy before him, was he really supposed to believe that was Kanda? Allen wanted to pinch Kanda, to make sure he was real, but then thought better of that; if he was real, Allen would loose an arm. He opted to pinch his own cheek instead. There was no way Kanda was really doing something ... dare he say... nice?

'_But then, he did help me that day I got lost...'_

"Look, I am _not_ trying to do anything nice for you, you idiotMoyashi. I just don't want to have to share a cabin with a person who smells like _sick _for a month."

'_Ehe... figures it'd be something like that…'_

Allen sighed and started in on the food in front of him, thanking Kanda before he did.

**The North American Branch- Saya has no idea where that is actually located. She found information on it's existence in Komui's discussion room volume 2 in book 5 on page 42, to be exact. Saya thinks that somewhere close to the government would make the most sense, just because the Black order would need help from the government to cover up extremely large scandals involving akuma. For instance if Ellis Island were to be blown off the map, the Order would need to do something to cover up the truth about the incident, which they couldn't do without government help. Saya hopes this helps you understand her logic.**

**So yeah, when Saya was writing about this chapter, and was thinking about the placement of the North American branch, she immediately thought "the American branch has to be in the Washington monument!" just because to Saya it looks like a white and smooth-walled version of the Black Order Castle. Wow Saya did a lot of babbling today, forgive her!**


	6. Sigh

**Saya is sincerely sorry for not updating in forever! Her computer broke, so she had to fix it.... in the end she lost everything on her computer! she lost it all!!! So she's working on re-building her favorites list right now. But with all the work she has to fully restore her computer, she's still going to update now that she can so please forgive her!**

**If Saya owned -Man, Kanda would Glomp Allen every time he decided to wear cat ears. Allen would wear them often. Oh yes, he would...kukukuku**

**Rated: Teen, just to be safe, Saya-sama is far too young for lemons and such, but she is not**

**above excessive swearing, and hinting at 'things'**

**000**

**6.** Sigh

'_This always seems to happen...'_

The finder Toma sighed, all was not well on the ship to America. As usual, Kanda seemed eternally pissed at Allen, and Allen did everything he could not to be a burden, and to not annoy Kanda-- even if he didn't know what was so annoying about anything he did. Toma didn't know either, Allen was a generally agreeable person, with a light personality, and he always smiled. He had a hard time figuring out how anyone could be so impervious to Allen's natural charm and charisma.

At that moment, the two were glaring daggers at each other. It seemed that Allen made some petty mistake, maybe even as small as tripping, and Kanda made some remark or other, Allen retorted, and it turned into this. They weren't usually _this_ bad, but Toma figured it had something to do with how they were stuck with each other for the next few months; the very thought was unnerving to Toma himself.

"Tch, why don't you go and trip over the edge of the boat?"

"No thank you, I'm not partial to swimming. Why don't I throw some of your hair-care products over instead? Will you jump in after them?"

More glaring.

'_I guess Allen really _did _do something small like trip..... This fight seems to be getting rather immature though... Even for these two...'_

Once again, Toma found himself sighing. He couldn't help it; it was tiring just to be around these two when they fought. In fact, if he wasn't such a patient soul, Toma wouldn't be able to stand their bickering. But like most finders, he was. It seemed to be a requirement that they be calm people, they had to deal with all sorts of people when collecting information, hear all kinds or wretched news, and they must deal with disagreeable exorcists.

"This is such a waste of time..." Allen muttered, and he and Kanda sharply turned away from one another, and walked in opposite directions.

'_They're the exact number of paces away from each other to have an old-fashioned gentleman's showdown..... Now they just have to turn around and point pistols at each other.... or in Kanda's case a sword...'_

Lucky for Toma, they did not start shooting at each other. Unfortunately, the first leg of the trip was half-over, and it seemed as if the predicament of the two exorcists was getting worse by the day, or maybe the hour.... At this rate they would kill each other -and sink the ship in the process. No, the Order would not be happy about the civilian and exorcist casualties, or the major bill for destroying such an extravagant ship.

But at the same time, it seemed to Toma that this was their form of bonding. Maybe they couldn't work together without fighting? Maybe it just proved that they were getting along just fine? When Toma thought of them getting along, or apologizing to each other, all he could see was this strangely sparkly picture of them on a beach at sunset, apologizing with incredible sincerity and extremely sugar-coated words. It was a picture that made Toma shutter, and it clashed with reality far too much, he needed to lay off the novels.

'_I think that those two being anything near nice to each other would disturb the natural order of things...'_

Another scenario that played in Toma's mind was those two suddenly getting along, and then Kanda smiles and his face breaks, or something else bizarre happens like a tsunami washing away the largest island of Hawaii, or Africa breaking away from East Asia or... the list goes on. The day those two get along is the day Komui give Lenalee to the Earl to marry. Yes, he _really _needed to lay off whatever it was he was doing to give him such an over-reactive imagination.

"Sir Walker, maybe you should calm down," Toma said tentatively, as he approached the still seething Allen. Allen was usually a very kind and cool-headed person, but get him mad and his dark side comes out. Well that happened whenever he played poker, too, but... that was another story entirely. Allen sighed and nodded.

"You're right of course. I'll just take a break in our cabin." Allen smiled and turned to go, already calmer, he really did have a naturally happy demeanor; you couldn't keep him angry for long.

'_Hm... maybe... maybe one day that attitude could have some effect of Sir Kanda. I think everyone would be grateful if Allen managed to make him just a little bit more pleasant. I doubt anyone would be all that surprised either, as long as it's Allen._

Toma smiled at the retreating figure of the exorcist from underneath his wrappings. His smile faded upon realizing that the cabin was probably where Kanda had gone to, and therefore, were Allen to go there.... the full-out war scenario that Toma had stored away in his imagination's archives could possibly become a reality. Toma decided to stake out their cabin before Allen could reach it, he would be sure to re-direct Allen if Kanda were in there.

'_I reeeeaaaallly don't want to be the one to tell the accountants back at the Black Order that they have to fund the building of a replacement cruise-liner or tell Komui that he has to replace two exorcists.'_

**OOOOOOH short chapter....wait... all of Saya's chapters are short.... nyeh, she updated didn't she!?!? anyways.... so yeah, Saya thought it would be really fun to write from Toma's third person. Come on, Toma's always so cool and stuff, you know you wanna hear his commentary on the two bakapurru's behavior. Well... that's all... really... Saya's sorry!!!!! Really truly sorry! So sorry that she feels like the world had crashed along with her computer, and that she's got to reset it all over again! She feels as though she doesn't deserve a single review she has, or any she may receive in the future for that matter. Please forgive her lateness!**


	7. Timcampy's mission

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SAYA! It's the 14****th****, which is Saya's b-day. She was born on Flag Day, yes. And yet she doesn't much like the government, and is pretty far away from patriotic. Bookman noted that Saya (accidently mind you,) wore a communist hat on veteran's day.... He's still nagging her about her lack of decorum. Mean Bookman. well because Saya has the B-day happies, she's writing another chapter for the second consecutive day in a row! Oh and this chapter is in...TIMCAMPY VISION!**

**If Saya owned -man, she and Kanda would share a birthday x3**

**Rated: Teen, just to be safe, Saya-sama is far too young for lemons and such, but she is not above excessive swearing, and hinting at 'things'**

7. Timcampy's Mission

Timcampy fluttered around, following after the distressed Finder it knew to be "Toma." Human's were such strange creatures, to get so ruffled over such small things. Timcampy, not being human -or technically living really- would never understand how its master losing his balance could lead to the usually annoyed exorcist Kanda raising his voice to ear-splitting levels. If Timcampy had ears, it would be very wary of Kanda, and stay very far away from him at all costs.

The tentative finder knocked on the door to the cabin that Allen and Kanda shared. There was a "Tch" from the other side, before the door was opened and an extremely irate Kanda was revealed.

"What is it you want?" He asked, in a harsh tone that was not warranted.

"Sir Walker hasn't come down here, right?" Toma asked, ignoring Kanda's earlier question.

"If he came down here I'd be hacking at his corpse." The finder grimaced under his mask of wrappings, and Timcampy hissed. Though it was just a golem and therefore not capable of most emotions, it would maul anyone who would hurt its master's disciple with its unusually sharp little teeth.

"I see, I apologize for disturbing you Sir Kanda," Toma said, bowing in respect to the ticked Exorcist. Timcampy hissed again at Kanda, who slammed the door shut in response, or maybe he just did it because he could?

"Timcampy, could you find Sir Walker and warn him not to come down here?" Toma turned to the small golden ball, which bobbed up and down in a positive response, time to protect it's new master!

Timcampy found Allen leaning on his elbows, looking out at the rolling waves of the sea. His master sighed, and his head slumped down, he was clearly exasperated. Timcampy, in an attempt to cheer up its usually joyful master, plopped down on his head as it had so many times. Allen reached a hand up to pat Tim on its "head," which was really just the top of the little orb.

"Why is it only me, Timcampy? I mean, it's not like I expect everyone to like me, but I don't think I did anything to warrant being _hated _so much..." Allen let out another sigh, his head sinking lower. Timcampy was at risk of rolling right off Allen's head it was hanging so low. Therefore the seemingly-more-intelligent-than-thou golem flew off the soft whiteness and nudged its face into Allen's cheek.

"I know you're trying to cheer me up Tim, thanks." The boy gave a sad smile, and stared vacantly at the ocean.

"I really wish he wouldn't be so rude all the time... can't he see I'm trying? I'm tying as hard as I can to gain his respect, and to not get in his way, but he doesn't acknowledge that at all... I wish I had it as easy as you Timcampy, you don't have to worry about such things, about feeling inferior and weak, as though there's no chance for you to never be good enough."

Timcampy didn't pretend to understand its master's plight, it just sat on Allen's shoulder, hoping it could do something of use by just being there. It most definitely didn't understand Allen's inferiority complex, after all, there was little to no doubt that Timcampy was the most advanced Golem out there, it was so close to living. Allen groaned and slumped down even further, before hauling himself towards a chair that was out on deck.

"He's such a jerk...... always calling me "Moyashi"..... sheesh it's not like I don't have a name!"

Tim sensed a rant coming on, and started fluttering around, looking for something that would explain it flying away from it's currently-angsty Master. No dice though, as Allen grabbed Tim, and started absent-mindedly tugging it's wings, not enough to hurt the golem, but it couldn't go free either.

"Were are you going Tim?" Allen asked, with obvious suspicion in his voice. Tim gave up on flying away; that clearly wasn't going to happen. Allen sighed yet again, and rested his head on the back of the chair.

"I'm being an idiot, aren't I Tim? I should just tell Kanda point-blank that he could at least _try _to work with me..." The young master's eyes became vacant again as he stared into nothing. "Or maybe I could just try to put up with him more? Or tell him that I think he's admirable... and talented, and strong, and respectable, even with his foul mouth... er... Maybe not. Even if it is true. I wish he wasn't always so cold towards me..."

Timcampy did _not_ like the way his master's words could be interpreted. Such a cold exorcist as Kanda did not deserve Allen's kind words and intentions, in Timcampy's opinion. But then, maybe that was just because he was originally Cross's golem, and was therefore predisposed to disliking anything that threatened the idiot disciple. Cross didn't show it, but he had a father complex over the kid, and it was pounded into Tim. Timcampy's mission: to make sure no harm came to the adorably idiotic disciple!

**That was just fun to write. Once again, it was a point of view Saya only used because it looked like fun. Timcampy's so pwn. Allen wishes Saya a happy birthday, and hopes you will too! But that meanie Kanda said not to waist your breath... oh well, Saya still loved that angsty little bishy.... -glomps Kanda--gets killzed- **


	8. The Magnet theory:fake smiles only repel

**Ehe.....Saya-Sama got lazy..... sorry. She wants to get into the boy's love soon but.... she doesn't want to rush the story so she's just gonna have to restrain herself. But still.... if she can..... might not be what you're expecting though x3**

**if Saya-sama owned -Man... no one would be safe from Tyki. Not Allen, not Lavi, not even Kanda. Date rape stylee!**

**Rated: Teen, just to be safe, Saya is far too young for lemons and such, but she is not above excessive swearing, and hinting at 'things'**

8. The Magnet Theory: Fake smiles only repel

Kanda sighed; finally his anger had dwindled down to next-to-nothingness. Maybe it was safe to go out into the outside world again? That is--maybe it would be safe for the outside world for him to come out. Kanda swore on all things swearable that the idiot Moyashi just got more and more annoying to deal with. They were complete opposites, and everyone knew that opposites attracted sure, but most people didn't realize that only applied to magnets. When it comes to people, it can go two different ways, they either get along great-working with the magnet theory- or they hate each other. It was a mystery to none which way Kanda and Allen went.

Still, sometimes the Japanese couldn't help but wonder about why they had ended up the way they were. Ok, ok, he knew it was probably his fault. Kanda was well aware of the fact that he was horribly unpersonable, and that it was near impossible to get on his good side. Of course he knew that, he designed himself to be that way.

But even so, he managed to work civilly with all the other Exorcists. His definition of civility, by the way, was that his hand wasn't constantly twitching towards Mugen, and that he could occasionally enjoy some peace of mind where he wasn't completely pissed at his partner. No days like that in sight when the Moyashi was around.

There was a knock at the door, and his temper flared again; ok, so the outside world wasn't ready for him just yet. He lifted himself off the rather lumpy bed, being sure to keep his head low so he didn't hit the ceiling; lucky him had gotten the top bunk.

"What?" He snapped, upon opening the door. Did he even bother to look at whoever was there before he did so? Come on, this is Kanda, like hell he did!

"Er..."

He looked down, and saw an anxiously squirming Allen. Lord knows why he was down here, maybe he was suicidal?

"There a reason you're just standing there?" Kanda asked, impatience obvious.

"I... uh... wanted to say that... um… I'm... sorry...." Allen said, looking down to his left, rather uncomfortable under the scrutinizing gaze of the taller exorcist.

"Tch, is that all?"Allen pouted, his eyes darkening with small amounts of anger.

"Yes, that's _all. _Now if you'd be so kind as to _let me into my own room_, I wouldn't mind."

'_Oi! Only one of us is allowed to have attitude problems, and I already filled that position Moyashi! And who said I want you in here!?' _Kanda mentally fumed. Still, the fact of the matter was that they shared this cabin, therefore he had no right to bar Allen from entering. Clearly still annoyed, Kanda stepped back and let the white haired boy in, slamming the door shut afterwards. Allen jumped at the unnecessarily loud bang, and then looked back with a glare.

"Did you really _need _to slam it?" He asked, getting annoyed also.

"No Moyashi, I didn't _need _to, I _wanted _to. And if I _want to,_ I'll throw you off the edge of this friggin' boat."

Allen sighed, irate. "What's your problem with me anyways? Did I do something so offensive to you the _second_ we met that warrants all of your anger?" Allen asked, angered himself.

"Not at all, I simply don't like you. You're a weak-hearted fool who doesn't seem to have a solid reason for even existing. You're sweet-and-kind front annoys me to no end, and those fake smiles you sport half the time make me wanna punch your lights out. So really, it's not you, it's me." Allen scowled.

"You've never even bothered to get to know me, so how can your pompous ass say any of that stuff?" Allen said, turning his face forward so he was no longer staring at Kanda. He huffed and got into his bunk, staring at the wall, he didn't feel like doing anything but brooding. Kanda got back onto his own bed to continue trying to calm down a sufficient amount to be able to leave the cabin by tomorrow morning.

'"_Sweet-and-kind act" "fake smile" how can he say stuff like that when he doesn't even know me?!'_

Allen was annoyed, but more over he was a little shaken, how had Kanda seen through him so clearly? As surprising as it would be to many to discover, Allen was not as cheery as he always seemed. He had horrible nightmares, he was always trying to bury his inner guilt, and he was always trying to melt the cold ice that surrounded his true heart. But he wouldn't show it to anyone, he wouldn't rely on anyone, he wouldn't ask anyone to bare his burden with him. Allen would wear his false smiles until the day he died, if that's what it took to keep the rest of his world truly smiling. But, if Kanda, who had no personal relationship with the young exorcist had so easily seen how false he was, had the others also?

**Sorry again for the long wait, hope you didn't think Saya's computer got busted... again...'cause it's fine, she just got Lazy. Please don't throw sharp and pointy and other such harmful things at Saya in the form of scolding reviews.**


	9. a real lie, the frozen heart

**What can she say? Saya's got too much time on her hands... she doesn't know what to do with herself but write... good for you readers... makes Saya think she could use some form of social life... then she remembers she has to baby sit all day so even if she had one... she couldn't do anything anyways... so here she is, at home, at a total loss of what to do with herself. Therefore she writes! THANK YOU YOU ARE SAYA'S SAVING LIGHT! (Shining eyes)**

**Aaaah screw a funny disclaimer. If Saya owned -man then she would spend any ounce of extra time she had sleeping, just like any other full-time manga author. She would not waste her precious sleeping time writing a fan-fic to her own damned story. (ooo Saya's in a swearing mood today...)**

**Rated: Teen, just to be safe, Saya-sama is far too young for lemons and such, but she is not above excessive swearing, and hinting at ''things''**

9. A Real Lie, a Frozen Heart

It would not be presumptuous to say that _The Allen Walker_, of all people, was sulking. Oh yes, he was, in a manner that made it so most people would not know the difference between a happy Allen and a sulking one. But Toma the Finder, Timcampy the Golem, and most importantly Kanda Yuu the exorcist were not most people (or most Golem in Tim's case). They were a very insightful college and what could be considered a friend, an extremely intelligent and sensitive piece of living machinery, and an irate exorcist with sharp instincts. Said exorcist was getting quite fed up with the barely noticeable sulking.

"Oi. You're really getting on my last nerves with your obviously fake happiness," he said, standing behind the currently sulking Allen, who was sitting on a chair on deck, flashing through a deck of cards that he had taken from his pocket.

"I'm proud to say I don't know what you're talking about," Allen said, with a content-sounding sigh. He was mentally reliving a few very interesting poker games, so he was in a comparatively good mood. The blatant lying pissed Kanda off more though. He snatched the cards from the younger boy's hands, and Allen pouted.

"Is there a reason you've taken my cards?"

"Yes, because you dared to lie to _me._" People simply did not lie to Kanda Yuu, it was pointless, and it put said liar in mortal danger. Allen gave Kanda a dark glare for bringing up _that_ subject again. It was a very un-Moyashi-ish glare too, because it didn't have that cutely soft look to it. Nope, this was a serious _glare_.

"You act as though human beings don't have the right to lie. It's not like I'm hurting anyone. Just leave me alone, and let myself and a million other indulge in this front I've made."

Kanda was surprised to say the least. Allen had not only admitted to the fact that his existence was rather false, he also made an excuse for it, then basically said he'd continue to lie to everyone's faces. That was a very, _very, _un-moyashi-ish thing to say. Kanda wondered if this was really Allen Walker at all, maybe it was some imposter? An akuma who was imitating Allen?

'_No.... this is the real Allen Walker... there's no way this is an Akuma...' _Kanda thought, oh how the game was played. No wonder Allen had a perfect poker face, he never showed his true face at all. Satisfied that his confession had shocked Kanda, Allen stood up, took the deck back from the immobile exorcist, then gave Kanda his most innocent smile.

"If you stay out in this mist too long you'll catch cold Kanda," he said sweetly, before going below deck to the ship's restaurant.

'_Was that the _real _Allen Walker just now? Almost makes me wish for the little lying bastard back.'_

000

Allen, now back to being all sugary sweet, walked down to his shared cabin, with a lollipop he bought a the ship's store because hell he just wanted one. Allen liked to do little things like that every now and again, it's not like he could get much candy around H.Q. Except for on valentines day, but that's almost always chocolate, and he didn't like chocolate _that_ much.

Allen was still mildly pleased with himself for freaking out Kanda before. He looked forward to the possible outcome of him simply entering their cabin, what would Kanda's response to the adorable sight of Allen looking sweet with sweets be? Yes, Allen knew he was cute, and what one might call pretty, how could he not be aware of that with all his pretentious ways?

But still, it wasn't like Allen was keeping everyone out just for the sake of keeping them out, unlike some aggravated exorcist he knew of... he had reasons. Allen had it tough from the start, and everywhere he went, he seemed to spread misfortune to all of those he got close to. He had finally found a place where he could really belong, he didn't want to spread his bad luck to them and make them miserable. On a more selfish level, he had scars, and he was sure no one could heal them, or make them fade even a little. Ripped open and bleeding, Allen had frozen his real heart over with such a thick layer of ice that no one would ever be able to get to it. He wouldn't let anyone touch his heart; their hands would no doubt just leave another scar, another stain that he couldn't get out. Well, that's what he thought he had managed to do. But why was it that Kanda was parading right through his heart's icy fortress and breaking into it's confines? And without even trying? The older exorcist was going to rip him apart from the inside all over again at this rate.

'_Heh.... yeah right. Kanda's just human, and just like everyone else, he can be kept at a distance. Besides, he's so distant himself, there's no way he'd bother.'_

Allen, assuring himself that his paper heart wouldn't be torn up, passed by Toma, giving him the usual smile and hello. Then he mentally braced himself for whatever onslaught of words and insults and accusations he would get from Kanda as soon as he opened the door. He was met by silence. A little unexpected, but it was nothing unusual. Allen looked left and right, to see if there was anyone in the room besides himself; it appeared that he was alone.

'_Well that's a relief.' _Allen sighed, glad that he wouldn't have to deal with any annoyances from the older exorcist._ 'And he calls _me _annoying... sheesh...'_

Allen shut the door behind him, then BAM, he was forced back against the wall, closing his eyes on instinct. He opened them and nearly gasped.

"YOU-!"

**Notice that said "you" not "Yuu". Yay mystery persons! Saya has no idea where she's going with this. Woot spontaneous writing! Review, or Saya will stick Panda on you. Don't mess around, 'cause she'll do it! (Gets hit over the head by Bookman for acting like and idiot and using him as a threat) WAAAAAAH LAVI PANDA'S PICKIN' OF SAYA!!!! **


	10. rejected role

**More early-morning writing......meh...... Saya wants to sleep...... (rolls around in a huge comforter) and it's cold T-T oh well.... this chapter is.....well..... different..... -///- and this type of thing is still pretty new to Saya so... she hopes it is ....enjoyed? Or that you will sympathize with poor Allen-tan**

**if saya owned -Man well....kukuku....she doesn't need to tell you does she? Kufufu…**

**Rated: Teen, just to be safe, Saya-sama is far too young for lemons and such, but she is not above excessive swearing, and hinting at 'things'**

10. Rejected Role

Allen glared at the tall man who now had him pinned to the wall. Allen knew those deep pools of gold well, those eyes that were always clouded with lust whenever they looked at the younger boy.

"It's been a while boy."

"What are you doing out here Tyki!?" Allen asked; he didn't need this, not on top of everything else.

"I came here to visit you, my dear."

"Let go of me," Allen growled out.

"Have you forgotten your role already, Allen?"

"I'm not associated with you bastards any more. I gave that up!"

"Fool, you can't give away your role in this."

"I can, and I did! Let go of me now!"

Tyki tutted, wagging a scolding finger in front of Allen's face. "No, no, you can't. The 7000 year prologue is over, you're time has come. You can't quit half-way through." Allen's glare was ice. Tyki smirked, glad to see he could get Allen so angry.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to tell me everything you've learned about the exorcists, the Black Order, and anything you might know about the Heart." Allen scoffed.

"Like I would really tell you any of that, you're insane for suggesting it." Allen stuck out his tongue in a rather childish manner. Tyki flicked it with his own, and a disgusted Allen shut his mouth.

"I never said I was sane. You'll tell me what I've come here to find out, because you know I have ways of making you talk."

"You could kill me, but I won't betray my new friends and comrades," Allen said, with defiance etched into his face.

"Who ever said a thing about killing you? How could I get more information from you later if I did that? Besides, the Duke would be quite displeased with that."

"Either way, you won't get anything out of me concerning the Black Order."

"Why do you side with them? They are just a bunch of hypocritical humans, starting wars, spilling blood, all while saying they want to save the world under the name of their false God."

"So what?!" Allen near-yelled, "Human's weren't meant to be perfect! Everyone's a hypocrite at some point. What about you Noahs? You say you want to save the world by destroying it! You can't get much more hypocritical than that! In the end, you Noahs are just human, too. I'm just as human as the people I side with."

Tyki was enraged by those words, he was no simple human, he was a Noah. Did this little brat think he could get away with berating him like that?

"I wonder how far I'll have to go before you tell me what I want to know," Tyki said, trapping Allen in a passionate kiss. Allen fought against the urge to give into the familiar touch. Tyki smirked, sure that Allen would break easily. Tyki released Allen's lips, and lowered his face down to the younger's neck, where he nipped and sucked at the delicate flesh. Allen bit his lip hard, to the point where he broke the skin and a trickle of blood dribbled down his chin. Tyki lapped it up, grinning all the while, and slid a finger in the rim of Allen's pants.

'_Like hell you're getting that far!'_

Allen grabbed the Noah's wrist in a crushing grip. Tyki only smirked.

"Tyki.... let me go and leave me alone," Allen said, angrily. Tyki rejected Allen's hand, and pulled his arm away. Then he took Allen's other arm and pulled him away from the wall, giving him enough room to spin Allen so that his back was facing Tyki. He twisted Allen's arm behind him, and forced Allen back on the wall, smirking all the while.

"I don't think I will... I'd love to see you writhe beneath me... and this is the perfect excuse." Allen struggled to get away from the olderman, but to no avail. Tyki used his free hand to reach around Allen, resting a hand on the button at the top of his trousers, and quickly pushing it through the hole in the fabric.

"You should tell me what I want to know, before I can't stop myself..."

"Like fucking hell I will!"

"Heh... sounds like a plan." Just then the two heard something on the other side of the door.

"Sir Walker is in there, if you would rather not see him, I would suggest not entering." Toma said, he had been warning each boy if the other was inside the cabin since the first week of this trip.

"I don't give a damn, it's late, I'm going to sleep."

Tyki twitched angrily and released Allen's arm. Allen quickly turned back around to glare at Tyki.

"Until next time, my dear boy," Tyki said, kissing Allen gently then disappearing. Allen sighed in agitation and relief, and slid to the floor, putting a hand over his face just as Kanda walked into the room. Said boy looked at Allen, sitting in a crumpled position on the floor, with his red hand effectively covering his flustered face. When you have another human being so close to you, one tends to get hot.

"What's wrong with you now? If you're gonna get sick again, you'd better get the hell out of this room," Kanda said coldly.

"No I'm not sick, just shut up and leave me the hell alone!" Allen snapped. He was not in a good mood, and Kanda already knew about his darker side, there was no need for false politeness. Kanda gave him an analyzing glare.

"...Something happened here."

Allen glared over at Kanda. "Nothing happened, you're imagining things."

"Don't lie to me like that; you should know it doesn't work. There was someone here, I can feel their ill will still resonating in the room."

"The only ill will in this room is _mine_, because you won't stop making stupid accusations like that. I've been alone here since I came in."

"Tch.... you say that, but I don't believe a word of it. If you can't tell me then it's gotta be bad. If you keep this up, everything will be worse for you when I figure out who was in here." Allen's glare hardened, the older exorcist was one to be wary of.

Meanwhile Tyki watched the scene unfold from the shadows.

'_So I'm no one now? I'm hurt dear Allen... Maybe I should make another visit soon?'_

The Noah grinned as he walked away from his peeping position, a plan for more Allen torture already in mind.

**-///- Saya told you it was....different.... she knows....she should just quit while she's behind.... molest scenes and Saya don't mix....still.... how could she even attempt to stop herself from writing that!? Kuku.... review or else neither Tyki **_**or **_**Kanda will get in Allen's pants. xD oh Saya's such a perv. What a good way to celebrate double digits!**


	11. there is no Safe Place

**Saya is filled with an unexplainable happiness for some reason. Maybe it's because today is so sunny? Hm..... Saya doesn't know. Anyways, because Saya was told it's hard to read her stories when centered, starting now they will not be. That is all.**

**If Saya owned -man, she'd be even happier than she already is by about 42 times.**

**Rated: Teen, just to be safe, Saya is far too young for lemons and such, but she is not above excessive swearing, and hinting at ''things''**

11. There is No Safe Place

It was their last day on the ship, and Allen plus Timcampy, Kanda, and Toma were waiting on the deck for the ship to come into port. Allen was worried, and even Tim couldn't accurately guess why. It was Tyki's sudden appearance. Just the fact that a Noah had appeared would be enough to get any Exorcist up tight, but this was a bit more personal.

'_I wish it wasn't though…' _Allen thought; it was a strange story, how he had come to be part of the Earl's crew, and then leave them for the Exorcists. It all started with Mana Walker.

_.:Allen age ten:._

"_Mana....Why do we have to stay with these people?" Allen asked, he had always been afraid of the Earl, since the day he had met the large man. His smile was wide, and seemed warm at first, but it was hollow, and that fact did not allude the innocent eyes of the child. There was something in Allen that told him to be wary of the Earl, to hate the man._

"_I'm sorry Allen, it's my fault that we have no choice… We should just be thankful we're kept alive."_

_Mana was a scientist, and the Earl used him in the production and enhancement of the Akuma. Neither the boy nor the Man liked the arrangement, but what Allen didn't know was that it was his life that kept them in the Earl's clutches. He was an unaware hostage, the moment the two tried to break away from the Earl, Allen would be killed. But that wasn't all, either. The real reason that Mana, of all the world's scientists was chosen was because_ _of Allen. The Earl had plans for the young boy, he had a special, dangerous power that could become a threat to the Earl. Plus there was the innocence in his arm. _

_The Earl wanted to have this boy grow up in his ranks, and use his innocence against those in the Black order. They would be hesitant to kill an accommodator, but he would not hesitate to kill them. Besides, he could become a spy for the Earl. He needed this child to grow up thinking he had no other way to live, because really he didn't._

"_We just have to keep walking forward Allen, so that we make it to a safe place."_

.:Present:.

That's what Mana had always told him, if he kept walking forward, he would find a safe place. Allen always thought the safest place in the world was in the arms of his father, being hugged tightly while he was comforted or lulled to sleep that way. But then Mana was killed, and Allen, in despair turned to the Earl, even though he knew of the Earl's many evils. Allen was hoping to be killed, but of course the Earl knew his innocence wouldn't let him be killed, the Earl was counting on it.

That night, he had used the last of his strength to run away from the Earl, until he had successfully lost him, and ended up right back where he started, Mana's grave. That's where he met Cross, and though it wasn't what he would call a safe place, he was indeed safe. Allen now knew that the safe place Mana had talked about had been a world without the Earl. Mana had known that Allen would make it to the Black Order some day, and now Allen would continue to walk forward, and build that safe place Mana always talked about.

"A safe place...." Allen mumbled.

"A what?" Allen hadn't realized he'd said that out loud, so he looked down at the waves flustered.

"Nothing, nothing. You probably wouldn't get it anyways."

"If that's a crack at my intelligence Moyashi...."

"N-NO! It's just something you wouldn't understand because you weren't there...."

"Tch, whatever...."

"He might not understand it, but I bet I would..." Allen heard a familiar smug voice in his ear. Someone had gotten very close to him, very quickly, and very quietly.

"Get away from me," Allen said through gritted teeth. Kanda turned to the man behind Allen, surprised that someone had managed to sneak up on them.

"Who the hell are you!? Moyashi do you know this man?"

"Oh he knows me very well, don't you boy?" Tyki asked, taking Allen's chin and turning it towards him. Allen scowled.

'_What's he doing?! If Kanda or anyone from the Order find out about Mana and my association with the Earl I'm as good as done for!'_

"Moyashi....what the hell's going on!?"

"Dear Allen here has been lying to everyone for such a long time, its pathetic how gullible humans are, right Allen?"

"Don't act like I'm one of your kind," Allen spit out, his words laced with venom.

"Explain what the hell is going on here!"

"Yes Dear Allen, explain to your comrade why you've withheld such important information about yourself from them."

"Shut up."

"Well if you won't then I will. I've known Allen here since he was a little tyke, you see."

"I said shut up."

"He was quite the fun playmate, but that's hardly the point."

"Stop it now!"

"The important part was that dear Allen was once on The Ea-"

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Allen yelled, throwing the older man off of him. He hated how this man was bringing back memories he had suppressed for so long, and how he threatened to spill his secret's to the world. Allen hated it, and he would stop it.

"Now, now boy, it's not my fault that you chose to keep secrets."

"I don't care! It's not your choice to reveal them, it's mine!" Allen hissed at Tyki. Kanda was getting fed up with all of this.

"It wouldn't have come to this if you had just told me what I wanted to know a few days ago..."

"So this was the guy who was in our room?"

"Yes, and I would've had my way with this lovely boy if you hadn't come down when you did."

"NO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE!" Allen yelled, mildly embarrassed and angry.

"There you go, lying again. One day it'll all catch up to you. There is no safe place for the likes of you."

**Poor Allen, its damn near impossible for him to have any peace. He really hate's Saya because of all the Allen torture. Tyki's enjoying the fic though. That makes Lavi angry. Kanda's too busy being all unsociable to comment. Well, please set a good example for Yuu-chan and review!**


	12. confusion sets in

**Pancakes. That is what the note Saya's mother left for her said. Saya finds it kind of funny that of all the places one would normally put a note about breakfast, saya's mom put this one on her computer....now what does that say about saya? **

**Saya wishes she owned -Man....she asked Hoshino for Allen and Kanda at least.... but got a no.....waah**

**you know....saya's seen stories that have less explicit content than her stories that are rated M, and you know what? Saya gets the feeling that she should've changed the rating two chapters ago. Therefore this will now be rated M, because there might not be blatant sex, but this story is getting rather explicit... and all because of Tyki, bad boy.**

12. Confusion Sets In

It was safe to say that Kanda had absolutely no idea what was going on.

'_Have his way with him? What the hell? And what's with the safe place crap?! The world is failing to make sense.'_

It was clear to see that Allen didn't like this man though, as he charged him. But he went straight through the top hat-sporting man.

"Dear Allen, have you forgotten that I have the power to choose what I touch? Then again, maybe you thought you were exempt from that, seeing as I've never rejected your touch before."

Yes, Allen had indeed forgotten that, the same way he tried to forget all the Noahs, and all the Earl's henchmen. But if there was one person he wouldn't be able to forget, it was the man in front of him that he wanted some much to kill, just to wipe that superior smirk off his face.

Allen had been rather young the first time he'd been "violated," so young that he hadn't realized just how wrong it was, even though he had attempted to reject the man. After that incident, the general molest/rape of Allen had become an almost regular thing, and he almost grew to like it, as he got older. _Almost._ He would never forget that his will had been cast aside for the sake of this man's amusement. Besides, by then Allen wasn't so stupid, he knew that he was just something to screw when Tyki was bored. Without a single breathe in sync, and no mutual feeling of want, it could easily be described as the worst kind of sex.

"Shut up... I want you gone!" Allen yelled. Tyki just smirked as the boat finished pulling into the dock.

"Heh, have fun in the States, dear boy," he said, turning and walking towards the exit of the ship.

"Moyashi what was that guy?" Kanda asked, still trying to get over the fact that Allen had gone right through him.

"Nothing."

"Dammit tell me what the hell is going on here!"

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT _HIM_!" Allen roared at Kanda, then he picked up his luggage and stormed towards the exit himself. Kanda was left dumbstruck, because while yes, Allen had shown his true colors when they were alone, he'd never actually yelled at him, or did anything that would show his real self in public.

"What happened to sir Walker?" Toma asked, he had only just come up after doing a last minute one-over of their cabin with Timcampy, to make sure no one left anything behind. The most he'd seen was probably Allen yelling and storming off.

"Tch....damned Moyashi..." Kanda muttered darkly, completely disregarding the Finder's question, and following Allen off board with his own stuff. As they walked, he had to deal with a worried Toma, and an annoying Timcampy who was tugging at his hair and biting his fingers to try to get Kanda to tell it what was wrong with Allen.

000

"Welcome to the North American branch guys! I'm Renee Epsteine, the N.A.'s supervisor!" A strong-looking woman with pale hair and sharp features greeted the two exorcists when they reached the North American branch.

"I'm Allen Walker. Nice to meet you," Allen said, back to being cavity-inducing. Kanda had to admit, he was almost starting to _like_ that fake cheer; it gave things a sense of normality. It was a smile he loved to hate. After a series of pleasantries, Allen and Kanda were shown to their rooms, very much like the ones they occupied at the European Head Quarters. Kanda plopped unceremoniously onto his bed, he was very confused about the day's happenings, and being confused made him tired. Yeah, he had known the Moyashi was hiding something, but it now seemed like that something was a bit bigger than he expected. He also hadn't expected to meet-if you could really call that a meeting- a blast from Allen's past.

Allen sat in his room, being just as tired as Kanda. He was ready to mope around for the rest of the night; it seemed no matter how hard he tried to cover his tracks, he'd always get discovered. While traveling with Master Cross, he hadn't ever seen any of the Noahs, or the Earl. Because of Cross's erratic movements and Maria's innocence, it was nearly impossible for the Earl's men to follow him. But now, Allen followed the Order's orders, and therefore became just a bit easier to track. If he had to keep frantically hiding things, he was going to go insane, that much was sure. Seeing Tyki again was enough to make him want to jump off that ship. Why did the Earl expect Allen to reveal anything about the Black order? Allen had chosen the Order over The Earl, the fat man should be trying to kill him, not use him. Allen buried his face in his pillow; it was time for some sleep.

Kanda was feeling very out of character at the moment, with a tray of about 100 mitarashi dango in hand. Kanda's nap had been short-lived sadly, and he just couldn't sleep, so he went down to the mess hall, and now...

'_Why am I doing this again?!' _

He was bringing food to Allen for obvious reasons in his mind, Allen was a parasitic type, and without food was nothing but dead weight to the older exorcist, who didn't feel like dealing with any dead weight the size of the Moyashi. He reached Allen's door, and debated whether he should just kick the door in or attempt to balance the plate in one hand and open the door with the other. Kanda decided to be like a ninja and quietly open the door.

"Dammit... how long is this gonna take to fade..?" He heard Allen mumble. He was surprised to find the young boy looking in a mirror. While he knew Allen put up a front, he had never pegged him as vain. He figured Allen was aware of his natural "adorable cuteness" as Lavi had put it, and therefore didn't bother to work at it. Allen had the first few buttons of his shirt undone, and was pulling the collar away from his neck, scowling at whatever was there. Then he squinted his eyes, and leaned into the mirror. Whatever he found made him jump, and he quickly buttoned up his shirt.

"Wh-what are you doing in here..? Why does it smell like dango? And for God's sake why can't you knock?" Kanda revealed the plate he held, and Allen's mouth started watering. He shook his head, and looked at Kanda questioningly. "Why are you bothering to bring me that? Is it poisoned or something?"

Kanda scowled. "Tch, _baka_. You're a parasitic type, and we'll be carrying more than one piece of innocence with us back to Europe. There's bound to be an akuma attack, and if you choose to stop eating now, when you could probably eat yourself silly, you'll be useless and I don't feel like dealing with a useless person." Allen sighed happily, he didn't expect any more or less from Kanda.

"I guess that merits a 'thank you'."

"Whatever...take it, eat it, don't make me hold this damned plate any longer or I'll just throw it at your face." Allen chuckled, and took the plate.

'_What a weird guy...'_

**Tyki has a Lolita complex. Poor Allen has been deflowered at a horridly young age. Kanda is so confused that he thinks he's a waiter who brings people dango. Allen likes dango. What a strange chapter, hope it didn't get too strange for you people. review?**


	13. Questions will be left unanswered

**It's... still... so... HOT! And everything feels sticky... Saya just wants to crawl under a rock... with a laptop... and her anime collection... and a couple of manga... this wouldn't be so horrid if there was some wind… but no wind... Saya hates the sticky...**

**If Saya owned -Man then Alyster and Eliade would've had a happy ending... yeah, that's way old in the DGM world but Saya still wishes the poor guy a happy ending.**

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

13. Questions Will be Left Unanswered

'_Why am I still here...?' _Kanda wondered. He was still in Allen's room, just sitting around and watching the white-haired boy eat. A rather boring way to spend his time but it's not like there was anything better to do there.

"How can you eat so fast? It's ridiculous and disturbing."

"Mhrf."

"Swallow your food first Moyashi." Allen gulped down his food.

"Don't know, I've always eaten fast."

"Tch... It's one thing to eat the same amount as an elephant, but to eat it all so fast... I'm surprised you haven't gotten sick."

"Eheh...." There was silence. Well near-silence as Allen finished the rest of the plate.

"Thanks... you know you act kinda nice for someone who says they hate me."

"I am not "Nice" I am simply making sure you don't hinder the mission. It would be a pain to have to deal with a useless idiot."

"I thought it was a pain to deal with me anyways?"

"Tch... it would be even more annoying, which is probably possible I'm sure." Kanda picked up the plate and started towards the door, but stopped when he reached it. "Hey…what were you looking at before?"

Allen jumped, a slight blush coming to his face. "It was n-noth-"

"And don't even say it was nothing." Allen scowled at being caught in his denial.

"It was nothing that you would need to concern yourself with." Kanda glared, he didn't like the way things were working out.

"You're lying, and keeping secrets about important things. I don't like it, and one way or other, I'll get you to tell me."

Allen shivered, Kanda may not know it, but what he said sounded so similar to what Tyki had said before that it scared him. The last thing he needed was another Tyki.

"Doesn't everyone lie? Doesn't everyone have secrets?! Why does it seem like I'm the only one not allowed to have any!? Just drop it Kanda."

"I'm not gonna drop it, you're hiding something and I can't stand it!"

"Everyone hides things! Why do you care so damned much that I do too? Why can't you just act like you don't care? The way you do with everything else!?"

"Because whatever you're hiding seems a lot more important compared to what anyone else could be hiding. If your secret is going to get in the way of something, or if the information you have could help in some way, you're a lot better off just telling someone."

Allen looked to the side, anger and annoyance plain on his face. "Thanks for the dinner, you can go now," he said, dismissing Kanda. He shot a final glare back, and turned, leaving the room.

'_That jerk! Doesn't he think I know it would help the Black Order if I told them what I know? But if I did that, God only knows what would happen to me. I'm sorry, but I'm not that selfless.'_

Allen wasn't stupid, he knew that if any of the higher-ups caught on to his connections to the Earl, he'd be confined, interrogated, and never trusted again, along with some other punishment or something that he just didn't feel like dealing with. They'd have him watched every hour of the day, and Allen didn't know if he could stand to play pretend all the time. It'd be troublesome to be mistrusted.

'_Not to say I really deserve their trust in the first place but...'_

There was one thing Allen knew though, and that was that no matter what he did, he couldn't hide from the Japanese Exorcist forever. Kanda was intent on finding out Allen's secrets, whether because he was just following natural curiosity or because he realized it had to do with the Earl, Allen wasn't sure. But Allen had never known Kanda to fail at anything, not even prying information out of people. Allen sighed.

"This is so annoying... Why the hell does he care!?" Allen fell onto his bed face-first, as though he was trying to smother himself with his pillow. As tempting as the idea was, Allen wasn't suicidal so he turned his face to the side as to be able to breathe properly.

'_Maybe I should just sleep...'_

_000_

Kanda was annoyed. For one, he didn't learn any of the information he would've liked to know. For two, he really didn't know why he wanted to know anything about the Moyashi. Allen made a few good points, everyone does lie, and keep secrets, and hide things from others. Kanda had never cared to know about anyone's past, why should Allen be any different? Kanda didn't know, and didn't feel like doing the thinking required to find out why he gave a damn about Allen's secrets, and why he couldn't stand Allen hiding things.

'_It's his fault for keeping secrets, he wouldn't have a problem if he'd just tell me what it was that was so bad....'_

"_It's not my fault you chose to keep secrets."_

The words of that man Allen refused to even name came to mind, he realized that his thought was basically a re-wording of that statement. He wondered just how much like the stranger he was. Allen obviously didn't like him, and if Kanda was reminding Allen of someone he hated, then it was no wonder that Allen didn't like Kanda, and couldn't even pretend to.

'_I really hope that I'm nothing like that freak...' _Kanda stared up at the ceiling, now that the question was in mind, he couldn't get it out. _'Maybe that's one question I could ask and get an answer to.'_

Kanda sighed, and decided it was time to sleep, he could ask some other day.

000

The next morning Kanda was met by many squeals as he walked into the mess hall. The noise made him walk to kill whoever it was that was making such a horrible sound. Then he saw a gaggle of girls all crowding around none other than Allen, who seemed to be handling it fine, though Kanda did not miss the occasional twitch of annoyance.

'_Heh, so even he has a breaking point of sorts...'_

**Congratulations to saya! She found her desk fan! It's small, and it clips to her desk! Thank god she found it! And to think that just a few days ago Saya was complaining about being cold! Crazy weather....DAMN YOU GLOBAL WARMING! Damn you to the seventh shade of hell where there is no ramen or cookies and the last page or your manga always burns! .... Because of course a scientific theory eats and owns manga....well anyways...review? **


	14. curiosity vs desperation

**Hello! This story has reached 50 reviews! Thank you all so much! And if that's not a lot to some of you...shut up. Saya's made happy easily. So Kanpai for 50 reviews! Anyways... so Saya's been listening to the Radio a lot lately (doesn't usually). The song "I'm a flirt" always makes her think of Tyki xD. And that new song by pink where the last part of the chorus is "it's just you and your hand tonight" makes her think of allen. Come on, think about it, you'll see soon enough**

**Yeah, Saya owns Allen's ass. and if you believe that then maybe you still believe in leprechauns.**

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

14. curiosity vs. desperation

Allen sighed as he finally escaped the mess hall, those girls were like Jeryy 100 times over. He was pretty sure he'd need some sort of hearing device from now on.

'_Crazy harpy ladies... Someone needs to tell them that they're supposed to professionals.'_

"Well that was an interesting spectacle to behold." Allen Had the sudden urge to hit his head against the wall.

"how'd you get away from them?"

"I glared and told them to leave me be, simple. You should try it sometime, works wonders," Kanda answered, slightly sarcastic.

"I don't glare."

"The fake you doesn't." Allen stopped walking and turned to face the older exorcist.

"Will you just drop that damned subject?! Ok, I get that it annoys you, and that you don't like fake people. Well that's great, now could you just "tch" and get over it!?"

Kanda semi-glared, looking quite annoyed, he didn't say "Tch" _that_ much, did he? "No, I won't drop the subject until I get answers. It's one thing to lie a little, but when you're entire existence if fabricated from them, it becomes a problem."

"Yeah, a problem for me maybe, but what effect does it have on you?"

"It just annoys me, plain and simple." Allen groaned, agitated by the simple answer. He threw his hands up, angry, and started walking back to his room.

"Sheesh you'll never get it!"

'_Especially if you're as simple as you let on...'_

As Allen walked, Kanda followed. One, because their rooms were in the same direction, and two because the kid was going in the exact opposite direction of their rooms.

"Oi Moyashi."

"...."

"Moyashi..."

"..."

"Allen fucking Walker you're going in the wrong direction! So could you stop throwing a hissy fit long enough for me to tell you that!?"

Allen stopped, mentally shaking a fist at his horrible sense of direction. He was also somewhat shocked that Kanda had called him by his name... give or take a swear.

"... I knew that..."

"No you didn't, now shut up and follow me...tch," Kanda said, grabbing Allen's wrist and leading him in the right direction. Finally the reached Allen's room, and Kanda shut the door behind them.

"Um...your room's across the hall."

"I have a question."

Once again, Allen had to resist the urge to hit his head off the wall. It's always a question with Kanda. Allen sighed, defeated, he'd answer as much of the question as he wanted to, which meant that he most likely wouldn't answer it at all.

"That guy who you attacked on the ship, you definitely knew-and hated- him."

"I really don't want to talk about that bastard..."

"Am I ...anything like that guy?" Kanda asked rather grudgingly. Allen stared, that was not the question he was expecting, why would Kanda ask something like that? Kanda must've realized Allen was confused about for he continued.

"Something made me think that I might be, but I'd rather not be anything like that freak...." Kanda seemed very uncomfortable at the moment. Allen sympathized with him, if he had gotten that first impression...any impression of Tyki the way Kanda did, he'd not want to be a thing like the guy, too. Allen decided to answer this question truthfully.

"Well... you said something yesterday that made me think you might be a bit like him... and the way you don't give up on finding out what you want to know is very much like him...."

Kanda looked ready to stab himself, standing in doom. Was he really like that freak who was apparently a potential rapist? Well that was Kanda's rather accurate guess based on the man's statement "I would've had my way with him" and then Allen denying that.

"Um... but if it makes you feel any less suicidal than you look, you're really nothing like him... you're just both stubborn about certain things..."

Kanda sighed, relieved.

"Ok, you asked and got you're answer, you can leave now," Allen said pleasantly. Kanda grumbled, he really wanted to know what was so bad that it needed hiding. His curiosity went a bit beyond the boarders of natural curiosity but that was hardly the point. He wanted to know, so he'd ask again.

"Why won't you even name that guy?"

"...I just don't want to.... Can you just leave it at that? Please?" Allen asked, slight desperation in his voice. Kanda wasn't sure what do to at this point, he'd faced a million different Allen's but a desperate Allen was not one of them. Kanda sighed, releasing his annoyance in the breath.

"I guess that guy is even worse than he seemed. I'll still get you to tell me what you're hiding... just...not today."

Allen blinked, surprised. Was Kanda actually giving up for the day? And so quickly?

'_Maybe this is some sort of dream...'_

Allen pinched his arm, making Kanda scowl. "Do you want me to force you to tell me now or something?! Because I'm sure I could think of a few million rather painful ways to make you spill your guts."

"... You really do sound like him..."

Kanda was hit by another doom cloud. Looking and feeling suicidal, Kanda left the room, praying to God that he didn't really resemble the guy from the boat.

'_Heh, sorry Kanda but it's true.... well another crisis averted! I really wish he'd just give up though.... he doesn't realize that he's treading in dangerous waters... he'd be better off not knowing what I do about the Noah.'_

**Even Kanda's a sucker for a cutely sad Allen. He just needs to admit it. Poor Kanda though...xD anyways, Saya is glad to say that the heat is gone for the most part now! It's now a comfortable 78 degrees F. though it's still a bit sticky...oh well. sorry for the odd chapter and ooc. **


	15. Life or Death Answer

**So Saya's in full Kanda cosplay while writing this...because the weather went from unbearably hot to frigid.... and his clothes are warm and comfy. Talk about getting into character.**

**Saya has asked Allen to leave Hoshino and come to the fan-girl side but... nope... so she still doesn't own the bishy. **

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

15. Life-or-Death Answer

"It was a pleasure having you here, have a safe trip home," Renee said, handing Kanda a case that was welded shut, with multiple pad locks on it, practically wrapped in chains, and apparently heat-sensitive. Allen and Kanda stared at the case, both thinking that the only person in the world who could possibly open that thing would be Komui.

'_Then again...Tyki doesn't need to open it to take the innocence...I hope we don't see him again...' _Allen thought, he was very worried about seeing a Noah when he had so much innocence with him, they would undoubtedly try to take it. Renee told Toma what ship they were to board and where, then they set off. First they would have to take a train back to New York. Allen would rather go to California, cross the Pacific, and then walk across Asia to get to the Black Order, rather then take the predicable way back. Who would be waiting there for them now? Allen had the sinking feeling that it wouldn't be just Tyki this time, and while that was a good thing on a selfish level, Allen knew that it was most definitely a bad thing for the ship, the innocence, and everyone on board.

"You look sick Sir Walker, are you alright?" Toma asked. Allen looked up from his thoughts.

"Oh I-I'm fine! Sorry!"

"If you're gonna get sick already.... then don't even go into that compartment," Kanda said; there was no way that Kanda was going to stay in a small and inclosed place with a sick person.

"I'm not sick. Thanks for your concern though Toma."

The two exorcists entered the compartment, Allen taking a seat on the side closest to the door, Kanda on the other side near the window. Toma, as always, sat outside the door.

"So...you're worried about that guy showing up again, aren't you? This insanely locked case wouldn't be any trouble to someone who can go through things."

Allen decided that he could no longer stop himself and hit his head on the wall behind him repeatedly.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Trying to give myself amnesia... if I don't remember anything, then there's no reason for you to ask me questions because I won't remember the answers."

"Look, if that guy out for the Innocence, then as an Exorcist I have a right to know that they are. It's our job to protect it, and I need to know who I should protect it from."

Kanda had a point; to be effective, one should know their enemy, it wasn't right for Allen to leave Kanda in the dark. That didn't mean Allen wanted to tell him though. But he thought about the threat to the civilian life on the ship, and decided that there were some things more important than his selfishness.

"He's... definitely after the innocence...."

Allen waited for the question "Why were you associated with out enemies?" But it didn't come. He looked toward Kanda, who was staring out the window still, looking deep in thought.

'_Wow...he's not asking questions! This is a new thing! It's been nothing but questions with him since that thing on the ship!' _

"What are you so happy about? Just because I didn't ask you that incriminating question yet, doesn't mean I won't."

'_Kill-joy...'_

"Well if you plan of asking, then just do it, you'll get the same non-existent answer either way."

"If that guy is after the innocence, then it doesn't take a genius to figure that he's with the Earl. I'm not dumb, I can put two and two together. If you knew that guy, and it seems like you knew him quite well before, then I can assume you have a connection to the Earl. I might never have to ask you another question about your past at the rate it's falling into place," Kanda said, giving Allen a look that made him realize just how much Kanda had figured out, and how much he'd thought over it. Allen also realized that he'd lost any trust that he may have had from Kanda, assuming that the older boy trusted him in the first place.

'_He knows.... he knows that there was a time when I was with the Earl...sure I didn't want to be there, but I was, that's reason enough to execute me. When we get back, Kanda is gonna tell someone what he's found out, and I'll be as good as dead.'_

Kanda turned to look at Allen, almost surprised. "I can't believe you're not denying it... So you really were on the Earl's side?" Kanda said, a glare coming onto his features. Allen shook his head hard.

"No! I was not! I've never wanted to be on_ his _side!"

It was safe to say that Kanda was confused, but he wasn't showing it, his glare just intensified.

"Well what are you doing around someone who you know was with the Earl, if you weren't on his side yourself?"

'_I never wanted to be around the Earl! Or on that side of the war! That's why I ran away! Mana and I ...neither of us wanted to be there!'_

Allen took a slightly shaky breath, feeling the impending doom of the situation.

"Look, answer this question truthfully and it could just save your life. Why were you on their side?"

"....I.... _we_ were forced to be..... I never wanted to be on that side! And Neither did Mana!"Allen said, trying to clear Mana's name while he did his own. Kanda didn't know who "Mana" was, but he figured it had to be someone important to Allen from his past. Only Komui knew all the exorcists' backgrounds. He faintly wondered if Komui knew about this too, but on second thought, he realized that there was no way he could. Allen had kept this secret pretty well, and if it weren't for Tyki showing up on the ship, even Kanda wouldn't have known about it. Kanda could also understand why he would keep that a secret, Allen didn't want to be seen as a potential spy, or as someone to be wary of.

"Congratulations Moyashi, you just saved your skins." Allen blinked in surprise for a minute then flopped back onto the bench, mentally exhausted.

"Sheesh Kanda! You seriously almost gave me a heart attack! Honestly, I wouldn't put it past you to take every excuse you had to try and kill me."

"Don't be stupid, the Order needs as many exorcists as it can get, I don't feel like killing one off. Besides, you might lie, and put up a constant front, but you don't seem like someone who would be on the Earl's side. Even your dark side is too innocent for that."

'_Yay Kanda believed me! -Not to say he shouldn't-And he's not gonna kill me! Or turn me in or something that would result in inevitable death! If I wasn't still sane, I'd hug him I'm so relived!'_

But for his life's sake, Allen didn't, he just got comfortable on the bench, and fell asleep.

**Well....not everything is out in the open yet, that can be revealed to Kanda later when they're all lovey x3 you know, like when Kanda wants to know why the heck Allen's not a virgin...oh teh noes, Saya really did just go there. well review because...well just because it's a good thing to do, it will help you become karmiclly correct. **__**It will make Saya happy!**


	16. What do you see when ?

**Wake up dear reader, the Matrix has you......what the heck? Erm.....anyways.....hey! So yeah, Saya got this new not-manga BOOK. oh snap, she did it, the end of the world is near, run for your life! Ahem.....anyways....yeah, it's Twilight, it looks like a really good vampire novel! She cant wait to start it! But she's updating today before she does**. **such a good little author is she.**

**She cant wait to own number 6 because it has Tyki on the cover, Yay Tyki! X3 but sadly, she doesn't own the actual series.**

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

16. What Do You See When...?

After the incident on the train, Allen had become noticeably happier. Anyone who looked at him could just tell he was having a good day...or in this case week and three days. This annoyed Kanda almost as much as his sulking did, only for the simple fact that Kanda is Kanda and it is in his nature to be annoyed by absolutely everything to some extent. In fact, the positively happy aura radiating from the bunk beneath his was pissing him off at that very moment.

"What are you so damned happy about Moyashi?!" Kanda asked, finally getting fed up with his unexplained happiness.

"I don't know really.... I just feel happy.... maybe it's because even if it was just a little, I told someone about me... I guess I'm just relieved that I don't have to keep it a secret from someone. It's a very light feeling," Allen said, sounding as though he was in a state of perfect serenity. The calm and forward happiness just put Kanda off a bit; he wasn't used to Allen answering his questions without a fight, and without having to ask a million times. Ok, so Kanda made Allen tell him _one_ thing, and suddenly Allen thought he could tell Kanda everything? What, were they best friends suddenly? Kanda thought back to Lavi, and decided he didn't even want one best friend, never mind two.

"Hey..Kanda. What do you see when you picture your heart...?"

Kanda was confused by the question, he didn't completely understand what or why Allen was asking. Kanda did not reside on a deep plain of thinking most of the time, and he was not one for picturing things, or pretty, descriptive words. He wasn't sure of the question, or how to answer. There was something else too, he wanted to hear Allen's answer for some reason, but why did he want to know what the Moyashi thought his own heart was like?

"What do you mean by that?" Kanda asked, in the same cold and uninterested tone that his voice was practically stuck in because he used it so much.

"Well...what I mean is... When I picture my heart, I see snow. Snow, ice, and a huge gray area. It's unbearably cold there, and the ice surrounds it in a nearly impenetrable fortress. It's gray... nothing there is completely black or white, nothing is one or the other, good or bad, it just is. The only thing that stands out from the gray is the red. In splatters and puddles, scattered through out. Deep, crimson, blood red..."

'_Cold, with no way to get in? What a strange way to describe one's own heart.'_

A cold heart, or more precisely, a heart that's been frozen over by the cold of the world, too numb to truly care for anyone anymore. A guarded heart that refuses to let anyone in. A gray area where his motives aren't good or evil, they simply exist, where everything is muddled and intertwined. And a bloody red that was all over. That was the younger's guilt, the blood of many akuma and of all those he couldn't save. And maybe, some of his own blood, a bleeding heart that froze over to save itself. Kanda was perturbed by the answer, what a strange way to describe your own heart. Scratch that, what a strange heart to begin with. Kanda decided that because of the answer he'd gotten from Allen, he would answer the question himself.

"When I think of my heart, I see a sword."

"Boy, that's original...."

"Oi, you asked, I gave an answer! A samurai's sword is his life, heart, and soul! Something strong and reliable that can take a lot of damage without being broken. Sharp enough to cut through anyone and anything. And most importantly, something that can be controlled by the one who holds it."

"So basically, you're heart is like your sword Mugen, like your innocence."

"I guess... wait, why the hell are we talking about this? What's the point? And why did you ask? Why the hell are we talking at all?!"

Allen smiled, albeit a bit awkwardly, only now did Kanda see to ask questions; if he didn't want to talk, he should've just shrugged off the question, like Allen was half-expecting him to.

"I asked 'cause...well I wanted to know... that's all.... I don't know why you chose to answer my question! Whatever that reason is would be the real reason why we're talking so don't ask me."

"Tch....damned Moyashi, asking random questions."

In reality though, Kanda thought it was a little brave of the younger exorcist, to ask about what he wanted to know without fearing the result of his question. And to ask _him_ of all people was either an act of extreme courage or stupidity.

"Must I always be "Damned Moyashi"? Could you call me by my name by chance? And not with an added swear in the middle like you did at the American Branch?"

"No, you are a Moyashi, therefore I will call you Moyashi. It's as simple as that."

"Last time I checked I was a human being, not a bean sprout. And didn't you say you'd remember my name if I lived more than a month? What happened to that?"

"Yeah, I_ remembered_ your name, never said a thing about _using_ it."

"...bastard ..."

"_Baka_ Moyashi."

Allen stuck his tongue out in the most childish of ways, even though Kanda couldn't see.

"I bet you just did something really immature like stickin' your tongue out at me."

Allen pouted, no fair, how did he know? He didn't answer back as he just sat in his small amount of embarrassment. Kanda smirked as he had won the war of words, not to say he hadn't before but it was still fun to gloat. Before long, he could hear the faint, rythmatic breathing of the under age exorcist, and his almost non-existent snores. His brow furrowed when remembering what the boy had said.

"_It's unbearably cold there..."_

If it was so cold, then why did he put up with it? Why didn't he change that? Why didn't he melt the snow and ice away if he couldn't take its bitter chill?

_Tch...You shouldn't freeze yourself in like that.... you shouldn't freeze your heart._

**Is that a hint of concern from Kanda? Oh snap, now he's gonna sue me for defamation of character. People get big money for that kinda thing. But anyways, this chapter was really easy to write somehow. Saya's always been good with picturing things, so maybe that's why? Hm....she does not know. oh well, review if you so wish to.**


	17. Freeze

**Sorry for not updating Sunday, but even Saya takes a break on the Sabbath sometimes. Sheesh, could the weather make up it's mind? It's freezing again, and she nearly smothered herself with her comforter last night. Could the weather just normalize already!?**

**Saya doesn't own....but on a completely separate note, Eeze is so cute -squee-**

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

17. Freeze

It was safe to say that Kanda was still very curious. He was starting to feel like a child the way he was questioning everything in his mind. He wanted to know about everything about the Moyashi, to hear every little detail of his past. Why, he didn't know, he just knew he did. One week, then two passed on the ship, leaving just one more. Kanda wanted to get his answers before then, mostly because he was impatient, and wanted to know soon. Also, he didn't know when the next time he might be paired up with Allen would be, he didn't know when his next chance to ask would be. But of course, Kanda had some issues with his curiosity.

'_Why do I give a damn if it has nothing to do with the Black Order? I shouldn't care, I never did before, not for anyone before.'_

It was also safe to say that Allen was very wary that Kanda's curiosity might resurface. There were millions of questions he had left unanswered, Kanda was sure to want to know. As much as Allen felt relieved that the burden of his past had been lessened just a little bit by telling Kanda, Allen was still guarded. He didn't want to completely expose everything, he felt safer when people didn't know about him. So as much as it might help Allen's tired mind to just spill his guts to the curious exorcist, he knew that afterwards he would feel very endangered, no matter how unnecessary the feeling was.

'_To tell him everything would be to give him a million weapons to be used against me in every possible way.'_

It was late, and Allen found himself on the deck, elbows leaning on the railing, as he stared out at the ocean that glittered like sapphire under the clear night sky, the moon seemed larger than usual, closer, as though he could reach out and hold it. His mind was far away, in the memories of the past that had quickly come back to him without warning. Memories of Mana came back to him, in more than just dreams for once. He wanted nothing more than to go back, to be rocked to sleep in the comforting embrace of his father. A deep sadness always cut through him when he thought of Mana, but it was a somewhat comforting one, somehow. It was familiar, it was _real._ One of, if not _the_ most, real emotion he felt.

Allen was brought out of his revelry by the fluttering wings of a large black butterfly. He was put on guard immediately, turning quickly and taking in his surroundings.

"Quite the beautiful view, boy, is it not? Though it was much more lovely with you looking towards the moon with those agonizingly gorgeous eyes." Allen wanted to blanch, what was with the pointless talk of the moon and his eyes?

"It was even better before you showed up. What do you want _now_? The answer is still no, whatever it is, by the way."

Tyki finally stepped out of the shadows, the light slowly pouring over his tall, slim build. Allen couldn't help but scowl as he did.

"You always seem so displeased to see me, your so cold dear boy."

"I _am_ displeased to see you. Your very existence makes me want to _wretch_," Allen said, his voice bitingly frigid. Tyki was not deterred though, he never was, as a person Allen meant very little to the older man, the boy was more of a toy, something he got his fun out of by torturing him in various ways. Allen was just as aware of this as Tyki was which is exactly why he hated seeing the Noah. It was also why he repressed every emotion that could try to come to his face when he was around, he wouldn't show Tyki his anger, agitation, and that small fear permanently seeded in his heart. If he didn't react, then he was not as fun, simple as that. The hatted man walked to him, tilting his face upwards as to look at it better. He scowled at the nearly blank expression.

"How troublesome. You refuse to show anything to me, how troublesome indeed..."

The finger placed under Allen's chin trailed down to his collar, tugging the red ribbon loose, it fell to the floor. Allen grabbed Tyki's wrist, preventing further movement as he glared at the older man, showing only his steely will to resist and escape him.

"Hm... interesting eyes boy, but can you live up to the message they send?"

"Most definitely. I don't want to be anywhere near you, ever. I'm not a little kid anymore; I can defend myself against you."

"Are you sure you're any match for me? After all, I could simply go through all your defenses."

Tyki demonstrated his meaning by moving his wrist right through Allen's iron grip, his fingers closing around the top button of the boy's white shirt, and ripping it straight off. Allen recoiled from the man, out of his reach, Tyki moved forwards to meet him.

"Why do you keep showing up? What's your goal? I'm pretty sure the Earl wouldn't order you to mess around with me. So what's the point of you revealing yourself?"

"No, the Earl did not order your molest, it's just something I like to do on the side. Why do you think I'm here, dear boy?"

'_For the innocence obviously, but why the hell do you have to pick on me!?'_

Allen's response was a glare, which was enough to let Tyki know that he had obviously known why he was on this ship. What he wanted to know was why Tyki was _there_, on the deck with him, who didn't have the innocence. Every time Allen was in reach of Tyki, another button was ripped away, left to roll around and fall flat on the wooden surface of the ship's deck. The last button snapped off, and Tyki took a quick step forward, grabbing Allen's shoulders. He slid the shirt off with a motion so slow it was hard to believe he was making progress. The Portuguese was relishing the sight of moonlight bouncing off the pale skin of the younger boy, and how defiant his eyes looked even now; he would enjoy changing that expression.

Allen however, had other plans. He wanted to attack Tyki, but that wasn't an option when he couldn't hit the man. Another idea came to him though, one that had a high chance of working either way. Just as Tyki had enough of his own slow movements, Allen looked straight forward, and without warning charged. Tyki was surprised, but assumed Allen was going to attack him, so let Allen pass through him. However, even after he was through the Noah, Allen didn't stop running, he was heading straight for the stairs that lead below deck, pulling his shirt up the rest of the way as he did. He'd have to change before he relaxed though; the shirt he wore was obviously useless now. Allen was quick on his feet, soon he was out of sight and Tyki decided against a chase. He walked up to the red ribbon that Allen had left behind, forgetting to grab it while sprinting away. He lifted it between two fingers, then turned his hand so that it rested on his palm.

"I'll take this as a gift, dear boy," he said to no one, and disappeared.

000

Allen looked back when he was finally in the hall to his room, it seemed that when he was running for his ass he didn't get lost as easily. He saw that he wasn't being followed, and was glad, sighing in relief. He was rather fearful of entering his room though; he didn't look the same as he had when he left it by far. He had left after Kanda was sleeping though, not to say he was sneaking out, he just couldn't sleep.

'_Kanda's probably still asleep in there..... There's no need to worry. I just change into a not useless shirt and try to sleep.'_

Allen took a deep breath and entered the room.

"Where have you been Moyashi?"

Freeze.

**So mean to poor Allen..... but seriously, Tyki's power was like ...**_**made**_** for rapists. Think about that. How will Kanda react....? What will he do....? Saya can't wait to find out! Oh, and sorry for not updating yesterday... her computer was being a bum and wouldn't go on the internet.**


	18. His Red Ribbon

**Yeah, Saya had this done a day ahead of time, due to lack of things to do when her internet was out, but she didn't post it because she's a bish. How do you stand it?**

**If Saya owned -man....don't you think it would be a bit more like her fan-fic?**

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

18. His Red Ribbon

"Where have you been Moyashi?" Kanda asked, for some reason he was seething, even he didn't know why. He took in the sight of Allen, shirt open, no ribbon, looking slightly winded. Allen's breath caught in his throat, he was hoping Kanda would be asleep.

"I was out on the deck..."Allen said, when he got back to breathing, though it came out a little shaky. It was true in its simplicity, he had definitely been on the deck just a minute or two ago. Kanda didn't sense the lie in that, so he asked another question.

"What were you doing?"

"Looking at the moon...I couldn't sleep."

'_I don't think it's even safe for me to sleep anymore... Still I'm so tired suddenly...'_

Kanda realized that it was only the partial truth, that there was more. Allen did not want to tell him about Tyki being there, he didn't want to tell him a thing about his past if it involved Tyki, and much of it did.

"Who was with you?"

"I ...was alone."

Kanda "Tch"-ed, he knew that was a lie right off. His nose twitched, as a faint smell made itself known to the Japanese.

"You smell." He leaned closer, and the smell got stronger, though not by much. His closeness was making Allen nervous, he didn't like being in arms reach of people most of the time, and after what just transpired, it would be a while before he wouldn't mind people being within ten feet of his persons.

"You smell like tobacco. But it's too faint for you to have been the one smoking it."

'_Dammit Tyki, do you have to be such a heavy smoker? You weren't even smoking at the time but your smell is still on me! Damn you for ever touching me! Damn me for not getting away before you even could!'_

"Who was there with you?"

Allen decided to try his hand at lying.

"There was someone smoking a ways away. There smoke was moving in my direction, so I came back down."

"Bullshit Moyashi, you smelt the same that night on the way to the states, when you wouldn't tell me who was in our room." Kanda stood straight again, taking a step towards Allen so that there was maybe a foot between them. "He was with you up there again. What were you doing?"

Allen was as on guard now as he was on deck with Tyki.

"Nothing."

"If it was nothing, then you wouldn't have lied about him being up there."

"I never said he was up there."

"Don't lie to me dammit. What were you doing? Last time I checked, you didn't walk around with a buttonless shirt on. And what happened to that red ribbon you always wear?" Kanda asked, in a harsh whisper as he grabbed Allen's shirt collar. He didn't realize just how intimidating he was being. Sure, he was aiming to scare the answers out of Allen, but he didn't realize just how much he was scaring the younger boy, who was trying unsuccessfully to conceal his shaking. It didn't work though, nothing could escape Kanda's eyes. He noticed, and backed away slightly, letting go.

"Why are you shaking?" His voice was considerably softer now, not a hiss or a snarl, just inquisitive. Allen's eyes got wider, he didn't want this weakness to be showing, but at the same time, he was scared beyond belief. Allen's head was swimming, his mind's eye overlapping the vision of an advancing Tyki with Kanda, grabbing his shirt. He pushed Kanda aside and collapsed into his bed, he couldn't take the spinning.

"Moyashi, what's wrong with you now?"

"Protect...the innocence...I can't," was all Allen said before he fell out of consciousness, his mental stress knocking him out. Kanda's suspicions were confirmed by his last statement, the nameless figure was on board, and had been with Allen. Kanda wasn't quite sure why it annoyed him as much as it did though. Maybe it had something to do with Allen's appearance, as though he had been nearly stripped. He had seen that all the buttons were missing, as though someone had been ripping them off. Maybe it was the fact that his red ribbon that usually adorned his neck was gone? Allen always wore that thing; Kanda had never before seen the boy without it. Now it wasn't there, he had been in such a rush to get away from that person that he'd forgotten it. Kanda assumed he was indeed running from something because of his winded appearance, and his obvious fear. He was afraid of that man, the one he refused to name.

'_And all this time I thought he hated that guy... Maybe he hated him because he was afraid of the man?'_

Kanda would hate anyone who scared him too, just because that person would make him feel weak. Kanda pushed aside his questions for the time being though, Allen had told him to protect the innocence, and while he would normally go tell the Moyashi to go fuck himself rather than do as told, he would protect the innocence, but only because it was his job. Not because Allen looked worse for wear, and like he just ran from the devil, or like he had just escaped molest, or because he was missing his infamous red bow-tie-ribbon-thing that was oh so adorable when around said boy's neck. Nope, it was strictly his mission, and that was that!

He took a seat next to the younger boy's bed, keeping the case of innocence at his feet. Allen was in a cold sweat, tossing and turning, with the same frightened face he had when he came in and saw Kanda there. This was the first time that Kanda had actually been awake when Allen was completely asleep. He had always thought Allen would be a heavy sleeper, who slept like a log, with the exception of maybe a mumble or two about food. He had not expected him to be so restless. His hand moved without permission over Allen's forehead, it was warmer than usual, maybe he had a fever? Kanda would be sure to have Toma check Allen the next day. Sleeping, Allen recoiled from his touch.

"No... leave me alone... I don't want to... get away from me... Tyki..."

'_Tyki?' _

Just like that, Kanda's brain attached that name to the mysterious aristocrat who seemed to be the object of the Moyashi's hate.

'_I guess now I know the name of my enemy....and yours.'_

**oh-ho.....saya did just end it...... yeah, she wrote this a day ahead of time, because she had nothing better to do with her computer not being able to use internet most of the day. Anyways..... poor Allen....he's getting the worst of it.... -huggles Allen to make him feel better- Saya loves all you guys who review! Especially all of you who do almost every time Saya updates, it's an honor that you love her stories so much! She never thought her story would be so popular and that people would like it as much as all you seem to! Love! Love for you all is what makes her write! **


	19. Replacement ribbon

**Here's the next chapter... Saya's writing maybe the first half of it while half-asleep... because that's all she can think up for it at the time.... the ending author's note will most likely be written on a different day...early morning.....was that necessary at all?**

19. Replacement Ribbon

Allen woke up startled, in cold sweat that was like an icy sheet over his entire body. He was shaking too, partially from cold and partially from fear. Tyki was haunting his dreams, his _nightmares. _ He was there in the day time too, threatening Allen from the shadows.

"What's wrong with you Moyashi?"

Allen whipped his head around so fast he almost got whiplash, he had forgotten all about Kanda in his morning fright.

"N-n-nothing...just a bad dream."

"You were nearly yelling in your sleep."

Allen flopped back down into the bed, and pulled the covers right over his head.

'_Maybe I can smother myself...'_

"... What are you doing?"

"Committing suicide in a very unimaginative way."

Kanda "Tch"-ed and pulled the covers off the bed, making Allen jump at the contact of cold air to his skin.

"Stop being so damned dramatic."

"Well I'm sorry! I'm not partial to people hearing whatever shit I say in my sleep!"

"You told me to protect the innocence, I can't do that in _my_ sleep, so I had to stay up while you slept and talked. You answer more questions in your sleep than you do awake."

Allen, in all his masochistic morning glory, started banging his head on the bed post, not even trying to stop himself from following his self-abusive instinct. Kanda grabbed the back of the collar of Allen's shirt, and yanked him away from the bed. He fell to the floor with a groan.

"Could you stop that already?! What's so horrible about someone hearing your incomprehensible mumbling?!"

"YOU JUST SAID IT! There are reasons why I don't answer half your questions, because I don't want to! But if I answer them in my sleep and you get to listen when I have no control over what I say what's the point!?"

"Maybe you should just start answering my questions right away then."

"... So...what did I say?"

Kanda debated whether or not to tell the younger exorcist, who currently seemed to be a bit unstable and self-abusive. "You said enough."

Allen scowled, his hands twitching in a way that nearly mirrored Kanda's sometimes, he wondered if Allen was doing that on purpose or if he was soon going to incur a wrath very similar to his own. But, no, Allen did not let his anger get the better of him, instead he took a deep breath and tried to relax.

"I think I have a right to know what I said."

"Well judging from the way you've been reacting to everything all morning, I'd say that if I told you you'd jump off the ship."

'_What I said was that bad? Really... Now I really wanna jump off... Hey fishies, I'm coming to visit soon...'_

"You said the name of that guy who keeps popping up. Tyki, right? From what I could tell it sounded like he was torturing you."

'_Torture and rape are the same thing practically, right? So I can just agree with that and it wouldn't be a lie technically.'_

Allen nodded, a mix of anger, sadness and annoyance on his face.

"So he really did?"

"Yeah, just because I was 'on' that side, doesn't mean I wanted to be! I said this before right? We were forced to be on that side, and it wasn't all fun and games." Kanda nodded to the side, then dropped Allen's collar, which he was still holding. He then turned away from Allen, walked over to their suitcases, and nearly threw Allen's at him.

"Get a half-decent shirt on now that you're up. Or do you plan to wear that one for the rest of the day?"

Allen looked down to see that he was still wearing the buttonless shirt and blushed. Hastily he dug through his case of a clean, white shirt and when he did he all but ripped the old off, to replace it with the safely closing new one. After a little more digging, he pulled out another red ribbon.

"You have more than one!?"

Allen nearly laughed at the face Kanda made; complete disbelief was written all over it.

"Of course, never know when I'll need a back-up. Though that was my favorite one..." Allen sighed at the loss of ribbon, there was little to no chance of it being on the deck still.

"I just can't believe your ribbon obsession goes that far."

"It's not an obsession... I just like them."

"Same thing Moyashi."

Allen pouted and tied the new ribbon around his neck under the collar of his shirt as he had done with his old one so many times before. Finally happy with the bow, he fixed his trunk, and shut it with a thud.

"Next step, burn this shirt."

"You're going to burn it?"

"It's not sanitary enough for humanity anymore." Kanda blinked, he didn't get was so bad about one shirt. Sure, it no longer had buttons, but that was nothing that couldn't be fixed. Allen didn't particularly feel like explaining either. Allen took the shirt into the bathroom with a candle, and after a few minutes came back out with nothing.

"And it all goes to ashes," he sighed out, brushing his hands off against each other.

"You're a strange one Moyashi."

"And you're a nosy one."

Well, Kanda couldn't argue with that one, he had been rather nosy since mid-trip. Seeing as he could not make any sensible retort, he "Tch"-ed and started towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Allen asked, curious.

"To ask our finder to get us something to eat. Yesterday you sad you couldn't protect the innocence, so I'm not going to leave you alone with it, and it seems you can't go anywhere alone without meeting your old buddy Tyki so I'm not letting you leave either. So even if I go clinically insane by staying here with you for the remainder of the trip, I'll do it, but only for the innocence."

Allen blinked in surprise; that most definitely was not what he was expecting.

"Wow Kanda, I never realized it, but you do a lot of really nice things sometimes." Kanda stopped in mid-step.

"I don't do "nice" things. I just do what's necessary."

Allen chuckled; it was funny to him that Kanda would keep denying something that was becoming blatantly obvious.

"Denial isn't pretty Kanda."

"Men aren't supposed to be pretty anyway."

"True enough."

'_Still.....you can't deny it forever. I can't wait for the day that you do admit to your kindness. It'll be funny as hell.' _

Inner Allen chuckled at the idea, and laid back down on his bed, thinking funny thoughts.

**Heh....sorry for the late-day update. Saya got really sick last night and ended up sleeping in until 11, when she usually posts a new one. She doesn't usually sleep in past 9....yay for a record broken! You all know Allen has more than one ribbon... Sorry it was a crappy chapter.**


	20. Meeting in the Morning mists

**Oh snap...Saya realized that she didn't put a disclaimer in her last chapter....she must've been really tired...she's tired now...but too conscious of her past mistake to make it again so soon...-dies on key board-**

**Saya owns the popcorn which she's currently eating, but no -Man.....waaah -eats popcorn-**

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

20. Meeting in the Morning Mists

"..."

"...hehe..."

"DAMMIT MOYASHI WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING ANYWAYS!?"

"It's your fault for putting yourself into confinement with me. I call, by the way."

Kanda wanted to pass out on the floor in anger and annoyance and exhaustion. But most of all, he wanted to bang his head against the wall for ever accepting Allen's offer to play poker.

'_I SHOULD FRIGGIN' KNOW BETTER THAN THAT BY NOW!'_

But alas, as Kanda is only human, he fell pray to the seemingly innocent eyes and intentions of the Moyashi. Who wouldn't? Kanda had made one smart move though; he absolutely refused to play with stakes. He wouldn't bet a thing, it wouldn't matter if they bet money, and he sure as hell refused to play strip-poker, he wasn't willing to loose even a sock to Allen. But the folly was in accepting the offer, and no matter what choices he made afterwards, the point is that he was dumb enough to play a game he was bound to loose. It had been sheer boredom that pushed Allen to ask Kanda to play with him, and the fervent hope that doing something would help him retain his sanity that pushed Kanda to accept. Hence, it was also his fault they were playing because he was the one who put them in a situation where the two would have to deal with each other all hours of the day. At last Kanda could not prevent himself from falling prey to his violent impulse, and started hitting his head on the nearest wall.

"K-Kanda!? What are you doing?! Are you a masochist or something?!" Allen said, hooking his arms under Kanda's and pulling him back away from the wall. But, Moyashi, being of little coordination and little luck, ended up tripping and falling backwards, Kanda landing on him, and being much larger, squishing him.

"G-get up! You're damned heavy!" Allen near-yelled, he couldn't get his voice's volume up to a yell with Kanda crusting his chest. Kanda huffed and got up, taking his seat which he had previously left to go follow his self-abusive instinct. Allen breathed deeply for a minute, before following suit and taking his abandoned seat.

"Tch, you don't have to cheat when there are no stakes Moyashi."

"Hehehe... Allen Walker never loses at Poker..."

"Do you just like being superior for a while?"

"Very much so, yes."

Allen gathered up his cards and put them in his shirt's pocket. The two got up and proceeded to gather their things, today was the day they reached port. Allen, Kanda, Toma, and Tim, who had accidently been locked out of their cabin for the week, waited on the deck for the ship to pull into port, all of them were ecstatic to get off the ship. While they waited, Allen looked around the ship warily for a top hat, and found himself sighing in relief when he could see none, well he couldn't find the one he was looking for.

The port was filled with people, some welcoming loved ones back, others waiting for their ship to come into port so that they could leave for their voyages. There was a heavy fog that covered everything with its silvery chill. The crowds lessened as they got father and father away from the port, but there were still a lot of people milling around, their long coats pulled around them tightly. The group made its way through the chilling mists, coming closer and closer to the path that would bring them to the Order's door. Though their mission was all but over, they didn't relax, they were close to home, but something could still happen. Allen bumped into someone, but for once he was the larger of the two and was left standing. The girl he bumped into also stayed upright, simply taking a few steps back to steady herself.

"I-I'm sorry miss..." Allen's eyes went wide, and he had to stop himself from gaping, or showing anymore surprise than he already had. The young Lolita took a lick at her lollipop, looking Allen up and down as his surprise turned into anger.

"It's no problem. See you soon Exorcist." She skipped off on her merry way, leaving a feeling of anger and dread in Allen's stomach. Kanda looked towards Allen, and took in all the signs of anger and his sudden tenseness.

"Another old friend of yours Moyashi?" Kanda asked, sarcasm lacing his voice.

"If you want to call them that sure. She's more dangerous that Tyki. It would be best if we quickened our pace and made it to the Order soon; with her around we're bound to come across a battle."

"Tch, damn you have some pesky acquaintances."

"Oh, like I asked to know them."

Tim started flying around Allen's head, mildly confused. It didn't come into Allen's life until after Mana died, and therefore, it didn't know anymore than Allen would tell him. It didn't know that Allen knew the girl, and it wanted to know how he did. Allen clasped his hands around Tim gently, so that he didn't hurt the little golem.

"Don't worry about it for now Tim, ok?" he said to Tim, holding the golem in front of him and smiling reassuringly. Tim calmed down, and took its place on top of Allen's head, that was the first time it had left its nest since Kanda opened the door to their cabin and let them out. Of course, Timcampy had made sure to bite Kanda a few times to get back at him for locking it out of the room and keeping it from its master.

"Tch, how can you feel sane when you're talking to a piece of machinery?"

"Tim's my over-protective friend, not just a golem."

Tim lifted itself off Allen's head slightly, and came back down, hitting Allen on the head, its way of saying "The over-protective comment wasn't necessary." Allen pat Tim's head, and the golem was sated with that form of apology. The happy moment was interrupted though, as Allen's eye activated with a mechanic whirring.

"Fifteen."

"What?"

"There are fifteen Akuma," Allen said, his hand changing into its second form's light saber.

"There's only one level two."

As Allen gave descriptions on each Akuma's whereabouts, Kanda unsheathed and activated Mugen.

"I'll take the Level two, can you handle the Level ones?"

"Of course I can, do I really look that incompetent?"

"Yes, but that's besides the point."

Allen grumbled in annoyance, but made his way through the crowd, and started the near-silent destruction of Akuma, as Kanda headed for the rooftops, and towards the level two.

Rhode looked down at the fight, which was progressing rather quickly for the exorcists. The finder had the innocence inside a protective barrier, and the golem was documenting the whole fight. She grinned as one of her akuma started screaming bloody murder and the crowd went into hysterics. Allen didn't fuss though, and instead concentrated on wiping out the akuma in the area.

"Hmph... You're no fun anymore Allen... You're supposed to react when that happens. You've become a boring toy."

**So how many of you went "it's Rhode!!" as soon as Saya mentioned the lollipop? Yeah, Tyki can't have all the fun, Rhode wont let him hog Allen. Oh, and this question was from a million chapters ago, but Saya decided upon seeing them in the anime that Jasdevi are guys. They both have male voices, and no boobs or other womanly traits. Sheesh....so confusing those two are....well....it's chapter 20.....you know you wanna revieeeeew.**


	21. The Noah's New Mission

**SORRY!!!!!!! it might seem like Saya's being lazy but she has quality excuses, ok? Saturday was her cousin's wedding (and she woke up too late to write even half a chapter) and Sunday she spent with her long-lost best friends (er...the ones she saw all of a few weeks ago?). And she's started beta-ing "Smirking Shadows" (a DGM fic so pwn, you'd love it!) So see, she has good reasons. ** **Forgive her?** **-shining puppy eyes-**

**Saya's not sure she even owns her own mind at this point.....-head spins-**

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

21. The Noah's New Mission

Allen kept track of all the Akuma with his eye, and none of them got far enough away from him to escape his field of vision. But even so, it was difficult because they had spread themselves out in the crowd. Not only that, but the crowd itself was spreading, and with it the Akuma. They were constantly on the move, and Allen had to push his way through crowds of hysteric people. His weapon didn't harm anyone other than the Akuma, he had precise control over it after extensive practice with the many forms. Still, it was a hassle, to deal with uncooperative people.

They didn't realize that what he was fighting were not humans, because the Akuma didn't transform until he was close to them. Nothing was ever easy as an Exorcist though, and Allen knew that well. So far he had killed 4 out of the 14 level-ones and was closing in on a fifth. It was in the body of a rather pretty young girl, who had probably been his age when she died. A young boy who was apparently a stranger to her blocked his path as he pointed the tip of his saber at her.

"W-why are you killing all these people?! Why do you want to kill this girl!? And what's with your eye?"

"What I'm after aren't humans, they're Akuma, the girl behind you it one too! I don't have time for this, out of the way before she kills you!" Allen commanded, his voice hard and nonnegotiable. The akuma behind him started to transform, and he knew it was going to kill the boy first. With his right hand he shoved the boy roughly to the side, and with his left he speared the akuma. The boy starred at him in horror, he only registered Allen's weapon going through the girl, not how grotesque her features had become, and how her appearance could hardly be called human anymore.

"M-Murderer!"

Allen cringed at the word, he hated it. He wasn't really a murderer, that's just how it looked. The Earl used that to his advantage, it caused the Order problems when many thought they were murderers. He had planned it this way, it was one of the main reasons that the Earl used Akuma to help bring about the end of the world, people would be fooled by their false exteriors until the very end, and all the while another person would be making a new one somewhere in the world. It was a cycle that wouldn't end until either the Earl died, and the making of Akuma stopped, or the Black Order was destroyed, in which case the world was done for.

Allen tried not to think of this truth as he continued to move swiftly through the crowds, destroying all the Akuma he could reach. If he were to think about how thankless a job this was, how the majority of the world's population didn't trust him and how he wasn't making a dime, he might become unmotivated, and no one needs that. There were only a few Akuma left now, and they were all far apart in the crowd, it would a troublesome job to take them all out, but Allen was never one to complain about such things.

000

Meanwhile Rhode floated above the chaos, riding Lero like a witch does a broomstick, looking down on Allen's fight with mild amusement. Next to her, Tyki floated on air, watching the fight with a different kind of interest. Poor Allen. Neither took their eyes off the exorcist's battles as Rhode spoke.

"The Earl isn't going to play around any more. Since Allen won't simply give us the information, we're taking him with us. The Earl will take control from there."

"Hm... A shame really, that we couldn't mess with the boy a little more."

"Hm... He doesn't seem like a fun toy anymore! He doesn't react to anything, it's boring," Rhode said, her childishness shining through. No, toys that didn't react were no fun. Take Lero, for example. He yelled and hollered and scolded Rhode every time she stole him or twirled him too fast or stepped on his head, accidently, of course. Allen was being too calm for her liking, it seemed as though the Order had desensitized him to mass-hysteria. Little did she know that this was not caused by being in open-battles like this one, but by a mad scientist who often let his experiments-gone-awry loose on the Order, sending the entire building into a panic.

000

Kanda stood on the roof of a high-ceiling building, poised to strike, but not planning to. He had taken on the Level two, and as all Level two, it had a special ability. This one's ability was one that Lenalee or Lavi were more suited to, or Allen depending on what form he used. But for Kanda, this was the most annoying ability he could think of. The blob-like Akuma that was leering at him split. Every time he cut it, the two halves grew a new half to match, which resulted in twice as many akuma for every slice, though the halves were always weaker than the original. And he, whose innocence resided in a sword, had to think of a different way to exorcize this akuma. Kanda had only attacked three times, but we all know that Kanda always gets in at least three strikes for every attack, therefore, the number of akuma was up to 10. It smiled in an obnoxiously silly way that made Kanda want to stab it to death.

"Kukukuku....there are ten of us and one of you exorcist! How will you win?!" It sneered, Kanda twitched, clearly annoyed. Kanda slipped into a Gedan no Kamae(1), his feet at shoulders-width apart, his left farther back than his right, the tip of Mugen pointed towards the Akuma's knees. Or in the general area that they should be. The copies all joined hands, creating a circle around him. Kanda sensed where this was going, but it was too late to get out now. They started to move around him, faster and faster in a dizzying circle. After a few minutes Kanda started feeling uneasy and disoriented. He closed his eyes, like he did so many times during practice, and listened closely for any sound that would give away the opponent's movements. A swift movement as one broke from the chain then _CLANG!_

000

"Hello Allen....it's been a long time since we've played together." Rhode hoped onto the hard brick street and off of Lero, pointing his head down and leaning on him like a cane. Tyki did not appear, for he had already left for his next destination.

"It hasn't been long enough if you ask me. Why are you here?"

"The Earl doesn't want to play games anymore Allen. He has decided that because you wouldn't simply tell us what we wanted to know that we would have to bring you back home with us. Besides, he has other reasons to want you back now, dear Destroyer of Time."

000

The Akuma's fist and Mugen connected, it had attacked from the side, so Kanda turned on his feet towards it, so now he had its hand trapped by Mugen.

"Kuku...Exorcist… you can only cut me! You can't win when all you do is make more of me!"

"Heh....Mugen can do much more than cut you stupid akuma." Kanda smirked, and took a quick step back, making the Akuma loose it's balance for a moment. He took his chance to attack.

"If I can't cut you, my insects will devour you! Kaichu: Ichigen!" A swarm of hell insects came out and destroyed each of the akuma copies, until there was nothing left. The akuma gave one last cry, but Kanda didn't stick around to hear it. He jumped off the roof of the building, and started down the streets to where Allen had first sensed the Akuma. The place was now all but deserted; the people had all run for their homes or into near-by shops.

Now, a ways away from where Kanda stood, he saw Allen with a small girl, the same one Allen had bumped into earlier. They were talking, so Kanda moved closer silently, so that he could catch what they were saying, but not be caught. He could find out more this way, about why Allen had been on the Earl's side at one point, forced to be or not, it didn't really matter, the point was that he had been there, Kanda wanted to know why, and why the Noah were after him now.

"...He has decided that because you wouldn't simply tell us what we wanted to know that we would have to bring you back home with us. Besides, he has other reasons to want you back now, dear Destroyer of Time."

'_They want him to come 'home'? When did they ask him for anything?' _

"NO! I ran away from there! Do you really think I would let you take me back so easily?! You would have to kill me first!!"

**1-Gedan no Kamae- "Kamae of Earth" a stance that seems like a defensive one, but it is actually an attack posture able to deflect an opponents attacks and create an opening, and disguises the intent of the user.**

**Kanda's so nosy. Allen's feeling dramatic. Like with Tyki, Kanda is unaware that Rhode is a Noah. In Saya's twist of DGM, only Allen knows what all the Noahs look like, everyone only knows they exist. Well, once again, Saya's sorry for the slower-than-normal updating as of late. **


	22. As Long as He Wants to Return

**Weeeeeeee here it is! The chapter that Saya has no idea what do with! Seriously, what to write next... she left off at a dramatic point so she has to follow up just right....hm....it's too HOOOOOT *rolls on the floor* on a separate note, Saya's sister has a glow-in-the-dark jellyfish o.o ....ok, she'll stop rambling now...**

**Maybe she can trade the jellyfish for rights to the manga?**

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

22. As Long as He Wants to Return

"NO! I ran away from there! Do you really think I would let you take me back so easily?! You would have to kill me first!!" Allen yelled, his eyes shining with a steely will. Rhode smirked at the show of determination.

"Well that is a problem, you see, we're not allowed to kill you until _after_ the Earl gets all the information he can out of you. Besides... I don't _want_ to kill you, Dear Allen. And Tyki might get mad too..."

'_...I figured as much, no matter which way I go, I'll eventually be killed . I could go with her willingly, but I'd just get killed by the Earl later, he wouldn't want me running away again, back to the Order and spilling _his _secrets. And the Order would probably kill me for treason when and if they ever find out about my affiliation with the Earl. Still...if I'm gonna die either way, I'd rather help as many as I can before I do!'_

Allen wasn't fazed by the realization. He had known it all along, somewhere inside, which is why he never gave into the Noah, and why he never told the Order anything.

"I don't care what you want, you won't get your information and you won't take me alive."

"Awe....you've become so unreasonable Allen... and to think we used to have such fun together."

Yes, while Allen was with the Earl he had, of course, become attached to the only other person around him who was close to his age, Rhode. He needed something to do after all, and he wanted a friend, so when he met Rhode, it was only natural that they had gotten along. But, like everything else that had happened while Allen was there, their friendship was temporary, destroyed the moment he ran away. All the people he knew and the relationships he had were just things to help him pass the time, just ways to stay sane while he and Mana, the only person he was truly close to, lived under the Earl's rule. It really couldn't be a good thing that he had been using people since so long ago.

"Then don't think about it, just leave me the hell alone."

"No...I don't think I will. You should pay for leaving _me _alone like that Allen....let's play a game!" She giggled with a wicked smile, and decided to use her power on him. She sent him spiraling into her own dimension, into the very past that Allen tried to forget and suppress, specifically the moment he killed Mana. Her malevolent grin grew wider as Allen shut his eyes tightly, clamping his hands over his ears as he fell to his knees. His mind was in her dimension, but his body was still in the real world.

Because of that, it looked to Kanda as though Allen was having a break-down of sorts. He looked on with horrified captivation as Allen started trembling, clawing at the ground even after his fingers started to bleed when he found that he could not shut out the sounds of his memory. Kanda shook himself out of his shock and ran over to Allen, surprising Rhode with his arrival.

"Snap out of it Moyashi! Wake up or something!" Kanda yelled, shaking Allen's shoulders. Allen was blind to the real world though, so when he felt Kanda's hands on him, the first thing he did was lash out, grabbing Kanda's wrists tightly, bruising the skin and drawing blood with his nails, then pushing him away violently. Kanda "Tch"-ed, annoyed beyond belief, and beyond worry. Getting back on his feet, he pushed Allen's head down, making the boy sprawl out on the ground. He then sat on Allen's back, grabbed both his arms, and twisted them behind his back so that Allen couldn't do any damage to Kanda or himself.

"You exorcists are quite forceful, even with people on your own side; it's laughable how you treat your comrades just because they pose a threat. But then Allen could hardly be called your comrade."

"I don't know much about what's going on, or why he was with you, but it's more than obvious that he doesn't want to go back. As long as he wants to return to the Order, I will bring him back!"

Rhode raised an eyebrow, she was surprised that Allen had told anyone about his past alliance with the Noah, and that Kanda would protect him, even knowing that. What was more was that he wasn't protecting him because he wanted to bring Allen back to the Order and get information out of him, but because he wanted to allow Allen to continue doing what he wanted. She didn't understand that, why he would go to such lengths for someone who could easily turn traitor at any moment. His defiant glare told her that she would have to go through another fight if she wanted to take Allen back. However, her mind was now puzzled, she was too busy wondering about the strange bond between the two exorcists to give any fight her full attention. She huffed in annoyance.

"You're too strange exorcist.... I'll get Allen back soon, but for now you can keep him. For_ now.._."

She gave a final glare, before disappearing into nothingness. Her hold on Allen's mind was broken, and Allen stopped struggling under Kanda, his body going limp, he had passed out. Kanda got off of the exhausted boy, flipped him over, and slipped one arm around his shoulders, his other under Allen's knees, lifting him off the ground. Finding Toma and Tim, the four made their way back to the Order.

000

Kanda gave the report as Allen was tended to in the medical ward. Komui listened intently as Bookman jotted everything down for the records, but the old sage could tell that there were some things missing from the report, such as why had two Noah come specifically for Allen, hardly sparing Kanda a thought, and not expressing any interest in the innocence? Why had they been so focused on that _one target_ that they didn't even attempt to make a smaller win? Bookman wrote down these points too, to remind him that it was an incomplete record.

After his meeting over the report, while Kanda was on his way to Hevlaska, Toma stopped him.

"Sir Kanda.... I wasn't sure if I should bring this up during the report but... it seemed to me that the Noah knew Sir Walker before this confrontation."

Kanda had kept the fact the Allen knew the Noah a secret so far, no way was he going to reveal it to (in his opinion) a lowly Finder. What would have been the point of not telling Komui and the others then?

"Tch....they probably did some research on him or something, and knew _about_ him, that's all."

Toma seemed to struggle with that idea, even Cross had barely managed to find out anything about Allen's past (or so he said), and the Black Order had been trying for quite some time to find out about him, so how on earth could the Noah's find out so much about Allen when the Order couldn't? However, he was not going to bring this point up with the irritable exorcist, who was getting rather annoyed at being held up.

"If you think that's the case then, Sir," he said, closing the conversation, and leaving Kanda to go about his business.

Meanwhile, Allen stirred in the Medical ward of the Black order. His dreams had been even more tainted than usual with the memory of Mana, thanks to Rhode. He woke up shocked, and in a cold sweat, mildly confused. He looked around himself blearily; white walls, crisp light blue bed sheets, too-bright lights, a multitude of machines who's purposes he couldn't even begin to comprehend, the low humming of said machines, an otherwise resounding silence, and that horrid scent that only lingered in the air of hospitals and doctor's offices, the one that could only be described as the smell of sickness. Oh, and Timcampy resting on the counter near his bed. Allen rubbed his head, it hurt, but he realized that it made his fingers sting too, he looked at them to see that they were wrapped in bandages, bandages that were tinted red with blood that was still seeping from the self-inflicted wounds, there was hardly any skin left on the tips of his fingers.

"Tim... How did I end up here....? When she caught me in her dimension I was sure that she'd take me away...What happened?"

Answering Allen's question, Tim opened his mouth wide, and let out a video projection of what happened.

"....As long as he wants to return to the Order, I will bring him back!"

**Weeeeeeeeee it's done! Geez Saya's getting really bored lately, she's going crazy with eyeliner. First, she draws on Allen's curse mark, then she turns her face into Tyki's, and now Jesdevi. At this rate she'll be out of eyeliner at the end of the week. She's thinking of finding a patch and doing Lavi next. With extreme amounts of makeup you too can get that big, puppy-ish eye. anyways....review if you so wish to. Saya's glad she managed to follow up the last chapter well.**


	23. Acknowledged

**Ok....so Saya went to a concert last night! Woot! She got a tee-shirt and a dog tag! And for some reason that is a momentous occasion! Anyways....Saya may have found a way to update without killing herself for ideas. update every other day, so she has time to think out chapters better. well anyways....on with the angsty Moyashi! Just kidding...kinda.**

**At this point, Saya would settle for DGM shot glasses....she's found those too. She wants those shot glasses...**

**Rated M for some explicit content and occasional swearing. **

23. Acknowledged

"...As long as he wants to return to the Order, I will bring him back!"

When Allen saw what had happened, he blushed. He didn't know why, he just did. Kanda was not supposed to stick up for him, it was too unusual. Even though Kanda put up with Allen, he had always been sure that the Japanese hated him. Kanda had always made that a very clear thing, he hated Allen, sweet things, Allen, naive things, and oh yeah, **Allen.** Not only that, but Allen was quickly becoming a liability, something that could potentially hurt the Order. And though he never planned to do this, God forbid, what would happen if one day Allen, for some reason or another, went back to the Earl's side? He wasn't as dim-witted as he seemed, he had learned quite a bit in the time he's been in the Order, he could easily spill their secrets. Kanda would've been better off killing him there, seeing as it was obvious that the Noah weren't going to give up on him.

Sure, Kanda occasionally did 'nice' things, but he always had a reason, a not-so-nice reason for it. There was always a practical reason behind it, or it benefitted him in some way. It seemed like Kanda was taking a head-on approach when it came to Allen, dealing with the problem straight on, rather than avoiding it in order to not have to deal with it later. But no matter what there was no excuse big enough to explain why Kanda had said that. This was made even more obvious by the fact that Kanda probably didn't expect Allen to ever find out that he said that, so he made that statement thinking he didn't have to worry about anyone hearing it. It would seem that Kanda could actually kind of stand Allen, which made the white haired boy smile.

"Tim... Erase that footage..." Allen ordered, and the flying golf ball bobbed up and down, signaling that it was obeying Allen's command. Allen (evil Allen) had thought of saving that for blackmail but then decided that keeping everything Rhode said in Tim's memory would be a problem if Komui decided to review the fight via hologram. Still, Allen had wanted to keep those words, proof that they had been said. It was like Kanda had given some small hint of approval to Allen, a shred of respect. A very, very, very, very, very small shred, but a shred regardless. It assured Allen, and somehow made him feel a little safer in the Order.

'_As long as I want to come back.... I can come back.'_

As Allen thought, a familiar black-haired brother-having Chinese girl slipped into the room unheard. Because he did not notice her entrance, being too busy thinking about Kanda's strange behavior and it's affects on his mind, he had not expected to be hugged.

"I'm so glad you're awake! Everyone was worried about you!" Allen nearly jumped out of his skins, and Lenalee found herself again, and realized what she was doing.

"I-I'm sorry! it's just we all thought you'd be out a lot longer... especially after Kanda's report." Allen went stiff, paling just a bit, his fear not well hidden.

"What's wrong, Allen?"

"Oh... sorry. It's just when you said I should've been unconscious longer it kinda worried me... as far as I can tell, the worst of my injuries is my fingers... So I was wondering if it was that serious," Allen lied, rather smoothly. No, what he was really worried about was what Kanda had said in the report. Did he decide to tell Komui about Allen's old allegiance? Was Allen going to be tried and executed?

"It's so strange though, that a Noah would go after you like that, and not make a move towards destroying the innocence..." Allen cursed fluently in his mind, figuring that he was already damned to hell by Kanda and his big mouth. "Especially because it was completely random! I mean, at least when they have a reason, it... I don't know, it makes it less scary...kinda. Like you know that it couldn't be helped. But they seem to just be targeting you on a whim... the fact that you were just kinda selected is a little unnerving...."

Allen sighed, then apologized to God in his mind for the multitude of obscenities he had just thought. Kanda hadn't said a thing about it; Allen was still safe for now! Either way Lenalee had nearly given him a heart attack.

"Allen...? Are you ok? You seem to be taking this a bit... strangely..."

"Sorry...again. I'm just kinda relieved."

"Relived? There are Noah after you and you're relived?"

"Yeah...I'd rather it be me than one of my friends, Lenalee," he said, giving his infamously adorable yet deceiving and empty smile. The smile that had warmed many of the heart's of the Order's personnel. The smile that everyone always fell for. Everyone except for Kanda. What right did he have to be so special?!

Allen didn't realize the effect that his smile was having on poor Lenalee, who had been deprived of his beautifully false smile for a little over 2 months. She felt like she should grab a tissue just in case, and she was nearly hyperventilating. Bad Allen, bad.

"Um...Lenalee.... are _you_ ok? Maybe you're sick or something," Allen said, in all his oblivious glory, putting a hand on her forehead. If there was one thing about Allen's personality that was absolutely real, it was how damned oblivious he was to the affections of others. He had wormed his way into the hearts of many a girl, but never realized it. She blushed at the physical contact, and shied away, gently pushing his hand away.

"N-no I'm fine! It's you that should be worried about their heath! Everyone else is! Even Kanda came here to check up on you."

Allen nearly fell out of the bed. Kanda was actually worried?

'_Ok, who's writing my life and why is everyone so OOC?'_

"Are you serious...? That's kinda hard to believe..."

"I know! But he really only came in her once or twice in passing."

'_He came...more than once...oh my...'_

Allen was sure he was dreaming so he pinched himself, but he didn't wake up. Kanda was going crazy, that had to be it. To worry over Allen, to say something so... strangely nice... to visit? Kanda was going insane, his mental state was deteriorating, he fought one akuma too many, he was huffing kitties or something! There was no way Kanda was acting normal.

"Are you sure about that...? Because there is no way... Kanda hates me! Why would he...?"

Allen's head was swimming, and his stomach felt strange, there was a sort of fluttering feeling. He plopped back down onto the bed, groaning in confusion. He didn't register that he was blushing yet again.

'_So...Kanda might actually acknowledge me?'_

**Sheesh....Kanda is confusing poor Allen! Stop being so OOC Kanda! **

**Kanda: STOP WRITING ME SO OOC! And I am not huffing kitties....uncyclopedia freak...**

**-cowers- you're mean Kanda-panda.....-gets killed- poor Lenalee too, Allen's killin' her.... well hope you enjoyed this silly chapter. **


	24. Voodoo doll

**Oh geez..... this chapter is ridiculous. Saya simply MUST thank Riku-Dono for the idea that she has let Saya use! Riku-dono is the oh so perverted author that Saya betas for, and Saya simply must thank her forever for giving her this idea! Seriously, she writes an awesome DGM fic, "Smirking Shadow" it's pwnsome, go read it. **

**Saya doesn't own DGM, and she's still waiting on those shot glasses…**

**Definitely an M here for explicit content and a little swearing.**

24. Voodoo Doll

Tyki hummed a nameless tune as he twisted some hay together, tying the ends with some string. Rhode popped into his room, being as bored as could be.

"Why are you making a doll Tyki?" She asked, looking over the back of his chair, down on the little effigy Tyki was finishing up.

"No... particular reason." The smirk that played across his face said otherwise.

"If you're not doing anything then play with me!"

"Isn't Lero around?"

"I can't find him...dumb umbrella..."

"Then think of it as hide and go seek, and find him." The young mistress thought that over for a second, before deciding it was a good idea and running off to go find the abused umbrella.

'_And now for the finishing touch...'_

Tyki pulled a familiar red ribbon out of his pocket, tying it around the doll's 'neck'. He let out a low chuckle, trying to stop himself from laughing out loud.

'_It's a shame that I can't see right away whether this actually works or not... oh well, Let the fun begin, dear Allen.'_

000

Allen happily ate his lunch with fellow exorcists, Lenalee and Lavi. He scarfed down towers of food, and his friends tried not to stare in awe at this, they were still not completely used to seeing a boy as small as Allen eat his weight in food everyday. Allen hardly noticed this though, he had eyes only for his food at the moment. He felt a hand ghost over his cheek and jumped, looking around to see who had just touched him. He was very sensitive to people touching him. Lenalee and Lavi gave him worried looks.

"Are you ok Moyashi-chan?" Allen nodded, and tried to return back to his previously relaxed state.

"I'm fine... It must've been the wind or something..."

'_Yes, if there's one thing in this world you can blame damn near everything on.... it's the wind. Besides, the windows are open so...it makes sense. So for now, it's the wind...' _

He was given reason to suspect otherwise though, when he felt his ribbon mysteriously come undone, as though someone had pulled it right out of its bow. Lavi and Lenalee noticed this too, as they had been shooting him worried glances. He tied it again, but it didn't seem to want to stay knotted, so he pouted, took it off and shoved it in his pocket. He then continued to devour the mountain before him. He jumped again when he felt something on his inner thigh; ok, wind does _not_ get there normally.

"Allen....you're really jumpy, are you sure you're all right?" Lenalee asked, her face showing concern. Maybe Rhode did more to him then they thought?

"I'm fine...really..."

Regardless of what he said, he rushed to finish his food, not even savoring the deliciousness of Jeryy's cooking. He did not like how it seemed like he was being felt up by the invisible man. If he kept freaking out like this, there was no doubt that people would get worried, and when people get worried, they snoop, and they pay extra attention to the object of their worry. So Allen rushed, finishing his meal in 30 seconds flat, all the while using his insane pace to give himself something to take the focus away from the feeling of being touched.

"Allen you shouldn't eat so quickly! You'll get sick."

"Lenalee...I think he already_ is_ sick...you should go rest Moyashi-chan. God knows what that Noah did to you." Allen nodded, giving a weak smile, deciding it would be better if they thought he was sick, rather than, say, _insane._

"I think I'll just go sleep for the rest of the afternoon....bye," he said, then made a quick exit from the cafeteria. There weren't many people on the way to his room; the cafeteria was out of the way of all the departments, so that meal traffic didn't get in the way of those who were running from one lab to another. Allen knew the path to his room pretty well during the day, when there were lights on, when he would usually be in the halls. Night was completely different though, everything looked completely different in the darkness, and he got lost very easily, seeing as he didn't remember specific directions like "left" and "right," but directions that relied on pictures in the halls, how long the hall was, and how many doors there were, among other things that are hard to judge in the dark.

Allen, in his rush from the cafeteria, neglected to pay attention to the people around him, most of which were taking extreme caution not to hit him. One however, was still half-asleep, walking along in a zombie-like state through the halls heavy-lidded, using his memories of left-and-right directions to get himself to the dining hall. With neither of them paying attention, and going in opposite directions, it was only natural that they bump into each other. Of course, how natural it was for Allen to feel something teasing his member at that exact moment is questionable. The young boy bit down on his lip hard, to stop himself from letting out any noise at the sensation.

"Watch where you're going Moyashi!" Kanda snarled, glaring at Allen as he stood up. Allen got up quickly as well, and instead of telling Kanda to shove it because he obviously hadn't been paying attention either, he said a quick sorry and sprinted for his room, which was only a few halls away now, leaving Kanda annoyed and a bit confused.

Running into his room with his lip now bleeding quite a bit, he slammed the door shut and locked it, as though he was afraid that the devil was after him. Because in the sparsely furnished room there was only one place to sit, Allen sat on his bed, curling up in the corner, with his knees pulled up to his chest. While normally one might take a cold shower in this situation, Allen didn't want to run the risk of getting surprised and jumping (and consequentially slipping) on the wet, ceramic floor.

'_What's wrong with me...? This is insane, this is definitely familiar, but there's no way... maybe it's just my memory? Maybe because of seeing Tyki after all this time my body's having this freakish reaction? No... but one thing's for sure, Tyki's definitely got something to do with it!' _

Allen cursed the hatted man in his mind, then jolted when he felt something go in his entrance.

'_Ok that was real! There's no way this is just some weird reaction! Somehow he's doing freaky shit to me and he's not even here....geez, as if his go-through-anything powers weren't bad enough!'_

A rythem was started and Allen kept biting his lip, blood dribbling down his chin. What felt like a second digit was added, and Allen squirmed, he didn't like how vulnerable he was at the moment, he couldn't stop what was happening, because the person doing it was not here, not physically. However, seeing as the human body seldom ever listens to a person's mind in these situations, his was going crazy. Then, just as Allen could feel himself going over the edge, everything stopped. Allen blinked for a minute, then sighed, relived, stretching out on his bed, it definitely _felt_ like he just had two fingers scissoring in his ass.

'_Damn you Tyki... there's no way that wasn't you just now.. Only you know my damned body well enough to...'_

Allen didn't want to think about it, but the reality was that his enemy knew his body by heart, his weak points, and where to go to make him scream in a sick form of ecstacy. It was humiliating to know that, and even more so to have to admit it, but at this point it was only obvious. He'd just have to deal with it.

000

'_Hm...too bad I can't see what happened...'_

Tyki put the doll away in a draw, taking the ribbon off of it, putting it away separately. He had poked and prodded the thing, wondering what was happening to the boy it was connected to, if it was doing anything at all. The thought of the voodoo doll actually working was very entertaining, he could just imagine Allen squirming and wriggling from some unseen touch, and how confused the poor kid would be. Tyki then sneezed.

'_Well, if the old wives' myth is true, then I guess he's not as confused as I thought. Probably damning me to the seventh shade of hell at the moment.' _

Tyki couldn't help but chuckle at this; he loved pissing Allen off, what wonderful fun.

'_Can't wait to meet again, dear boy...'_

**XD Tyki's such a friggin' perv. Once again, that you so much Riku-dono for this amazingly perverse idea! The idea made Saya nose-bleed when she first heard it. She hopes it did your idea justice, and if not then don't fret, for it'll be around a while so that itcan be used to it's fullest potential. **


	25. A Small Slip Up

**Yeah...this is a delayed apology, but Saya honestly thought she'd be able to get on before this. You see her internet went out on Thursday night, and it wouldn't work all Friday. At that point she just had a wireless connection, so it sometimes quit on her. Then she got hard wire installed over the weekend, but there was a problem, her computer wasn't sensing the device. Now everything is fixed...finally.... sorry for the wait ...**

**Nope....no DGM owning here....don't even own a stable internet connection....**

**This fic is rated M for sexual themes, voodoo dolls, swearing, and an OOC Allen.**

**25. A Small Slip Up **

Allen had refused to leave his room the rest of the day after that strange occurrence, and even the next day, he was afraid to, he didn't know what would happen if he did. However, his stomach had other worries, such as how it was going to be filled if Allen didn't get out of his room. So the poor boy got out of bed, dressed, and did his morning routine before heading out for breakfast.

'_Phew...so far nothing.....let's keep it that way.'_

Allen made it to the familiar doors of the dining hall, getting himself into his happy disposition that everyone knew so well before entering. Lavi waved him over to a table, and Allen ordered his food before going over, his meal was bound to take a while.

"Mornin' Moyashi-chan!!!"

"**My name's not Moyashi....."**

Lavi gulped, then Allen went back to his usual chipper mood.

"Anyways! I heard from Lenalee that Komui just finished this random project and he's gonna reveal it today! It's supposed to help us with training for fighting against akuma."

"... Is it another Komlin?"

"No, it's not. It's supposed to be better, and actually work."

"Oh, wanna go check it out later? Where is he gonna show it?"

"Of course I wanna see it! Why do you think I told you? He's gonna show the thing in the training facility so that we can try it out first thing."

Allen nodded, then got up to get his now-finished food, wow Jeryy was quick. The two ate there meals just as quickly, so that they could get down to the training grounds to see Komui's newest creation.

"Whoa...."

"It's amazing."

"What's amazing is the thing actually works."

These little pieces on conversations drifted to the ears of the two exorcists as they reached the training grounds, the entire science section seemed to be there.

"So what did he make this time?" Lavi asked, as the approached Lenalee.

"WHAT A WONDERFUL QUESTION MY DEAR BOY!" Komui yelled, coming up to them looking like an insane king, his grin enough to make them fear for their lives.

'_A monster...he's created a monster... that must be it...'_

"What I have made is the best possible thing for you to train with! I have created an artificial akuma! You see, as we all know akuma a machines, so there has to be science behind them to some extent! After studying Timcampy's records extensively in order to understand the akuma's internal make-up, I constructed a duplicate akuma! It's almost exactly like the real thing! Except without the soul, of course, I'm no Millennium Earl. No virus either, the bullets would still hurt though."

Allen and Lavi starred at Komui in amazement, he had recreated the akuma for training purposes. Lenalee looked very proud of Komui at the moment, and he was, of course, in tears over that fact.l Allen moved his way through the crowd to see this "akuma." It certainly looked real enough, and there most definitely was no soul attached to it. Yet Allen saw something that he didn't like.

"Komui...you're trying to get this as close to a real akuma as you possibly can without using a soul or poison-laced bullets, right?" Allen asked, moving closer to the contraption.

"Yes, that's right."

"You're trying to make this match the mechanics of an akuma exactly, right?"

"Right, so what is it Allen?"

"If you're trying to do that, then you've got quite a few problems here...."

Without fully realizing what he was doing, Allen opened the hatch on the 'akuma' that would grant him access to the machine's inner workings, and started disconnecting and reconnecting wires, unscrewing things, and making minor changes to the mechanics. The entire science section watched in awe as Allen redesigned the false akuma in a matter of 20 minutes, making specific changes, and not toying around. He had tackled the problem like a pro, diving in as though he knew exactly what he was doing.

In actuality, he did. Mana, the scientist responsible for creating the form of akuma that was currently in use, had taught him all about their inner workings, positive that it would help Allen defeat the Akuma one day, to know your opponent is to know their weaknesses. Mana probably didn't expect this to be how Allen would help fight the battle against the akuma, but surely it would. By training against near-akuma machines, the exorcists would be better prepared against the real things.

Allen crawled back out of the akuma, done with his tinkering, this thing was now as real as it could be while running on battery power. Everyone starred at him, no one had any idea he knew a thing about mechanics. Allen finally realized that he just revealed his extensive knowledge about the insides of the akuma, knowledge that would be hard to learn unless one was actually involved in the making of them. Komui went inside the thing for a moment, to check out Allen's changes.

"This... this would work exactly right... Allen, how did you know how to change this?"

'_Shit I'm such an idiot! I just did all that without even thinking! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!'_

"um... I just kinda picked up on a few things while traveling with Cross?" Allen gave his poor excuse, as semi-true as it was. He had seen Cross convert a few akuma, and he had seen the end results of his master's tinkering. Still, one would have to have Lavi's memory to remember every detail about an akuma after only seeing the insides a few times, and Komui's knowledge of mechanics to understand the akuma's composition.

"Well....nothing left to do but test it I guess," Komui said, and everyone cleared the training area, going up to the observation decks, to watch as Lavi went head-on with the false akuma he had begged to fight first.

"And I say let it have life!" Komui said, looking manic, as he threw a switch and the thing roared to life. Komui had gotten the artificial intelligence just right, so the thing was teasing Lavi, pissing him off, and acting like a total jackass like the majority of akuma do. There was a spray of bullets and Lavi ducked, dodged, and destroyed all that came too close to his persons.

"Man Moyashi-chan, you and Komui made one hell of a fake akuma!" he said, making Nyoibo larger.

"Hey Komui...you have the original schematics for your akuma right?"Allen asked. Komui nodded and pulled them out.

"Yes, I knew one wouldn't be enough for training, seeing as your whole goal is to destroy them. We'd need to constantly remake them... Do you think you could tell me exactly what changes you made to my design?"

Allen nodded, and the two of them went off into a discussion about how to properly make an akuma, Komui mildly astounded, and very confused by Allen's extensive knowledge. Meanwhile, Lavi kicked fake-akuma ass, and obliterated the thing with a swing of his mighty hammer.

**Bang, bang Maxwell's silver hammer came down...um....heh. What? That's an awesome song! Anyway....this chapter could probably be seen as a filler, but really now, you learned more about Allen, and he did a stupid and revealed his smartness. This could be potentially disastrous! It is no filler! So ....review or something...**


	26. Introspective

**You know, Saya's gotten two responses on her amvs that she thinks can never be beat, the first of which was this one, which was the comment to an Uchihacest vid. Now, someone could write a paragraph about the vid on all different things, but nothing will ever be as funny as this "omg Sasuke really does take in up the ass..." it was very funny in all it's simplicity.**

**Um.......Saya no own.... that's it....**

**Rated M for Allen molest, swearing, voodoo dolls, and what-not.**

26. Introspective

Allen's mini-vacation was coming to a close, hewas on his way to a briefing where he would be given his next assignment. Now one might think that they would make Allen stay inside the Order's walls, but no, he was an exorcist who had a duty to fulfill. In truth, the inner Allen, the selfish one who cared about his own well-being, wanted nothing more than to beg Komui to let him stay at the Order's castle, where the Noah couldn't get him, and the worst that would come to him were his dreams. But the outer Allen that cared for the world and the Akuma above all would not have that. Outer Allen would insist that he was not useless, and that his well-being was not as important as the world's, that he should be out exterminating Akuma.

But in that sense, where did the real Allen end and the false one begin? While it was true that inner Allen was selfish, and cared much about his own life, it was also true that the real him cared for the Akuma. No, his real self _loved_ the Akuma. His twisted heart had a twisted love, he loved the Akuma, and therefore, he had to destroy those pitiful creatures. It was self-destructive, to love the Akuma, to love things that couldn't love him, to destroy what he loved. But even so, it was all that kept him alive, his need to save the Akuma, his need to save the world. Why else would he put up with the cold? Why else would he walk through the day with that frozen heart, where it was unbearably bleak? For what other reason had he allowed himself to live in that frozen hell, instead of giving up and killing himself? There was no other reason, he lived for the world, that much was real.

That raises another problem though, if his heart loves the Akuma, then why did he have to freeze it over in the first place? Doesn't love warm people? Once again, Allen's masochistic love was to blame. He loved what couldn't love him. He wouldn't allow anyone to love him. While it was true that people definitely loved and cared for him, it wasn't really _Allen_ they loved, it was his false self. He didn't show his real self, so no one had the chance to love him. He did not let the affections of others warm him, if he did, one day those feelings would undoubtedly fade, or those people would leave him. It was better to never feel that warmth in the first place. But his inner self and his outer self felt the same thing towards the akuma. What makes a person real? What makes a person fake? What makes a person themself?

Though Allen loved the Akuma, he found it harder and harder with every one he destroyed to love the humans who made them. He loved the Akuma, and sympathized with them, they had no choice in existing. They almost never had a choice in dying, and they most certainly never had the choice to be brought back. They lived in misery everyday because some human was selfish, too selfish to let their loved ones live peacefully in their afterlife. Those humans had a choice, and they made the wrong one, killing themselves and bringing back their loved ones, who would be tortured until an exorcist could save them. Still, Allen found it impossible to love the Akuma and not love the humans who made them, humans who didn't trust him all because of the badge on his chest. Humans were selfish, and so is love, love can not exist in a selfless heart. So Allen loved the humans who created the Akuma. He loved the Akuma, which is why they must be destroyed. Allen was well aware just how much like a Noah that made him, maybe that's why he didn't completely hate the Noah, because their love was the same as his, just aimed towards a different populace.

Allen reached Komui's office, opening the door to reveal the mad scientist, the science section leader, and three very familiar exorcists. He stood next to the couch, the old, familiar, battered couch, instead of sitting with the other three and making them all squeeze together. Komui started on his explanation of their latest mission.

"There is a town in Belgium, Gent. The finders around that city have sent reports than nearly the entire population there may be made up of Akuma, or the majority of the population, the situation is very similar to Japan's. It's almost like a reserve army. If the Earl ever needed to move a large group of Akuma all at once, all he would have to do is order the 'inhabitants' of Gent to move, and there would be a united force of nearly 250 thousand akuma. Your mission is to go to one of the surrounding towns, to one of the finder's strongholds, and day by day thin out the Akuma population," Komui explained as Reever passed out information packets, Komui pointed the city's general area out on his map of Europe, and Lenalee passed out coffee and tea.

"How come they think that the entire population is made up of Akuma?" Lavi asked, sipping his coffee. Like he really needed coffee.

"Because, they have reported that Akuma go down the streets in their Akuma forms, and none of the city's inhabitants are frightened by that. Also, when the Akuma roam around like that, they don't kill anyone, they leave the city to attack. We can only assume that killing another akuma isn't as beneficial as killing human beings, so they prefer to travel to do that. If there was still a large or noticeable human population there, then the Akuma would attack them. You four will be leaving tomorrow; your finder will be waiting for you tomorrow in the water passages."

The group nodded in understanding, and dispersed to go back to their own rooms to read over the information packs before they had to leave, and get ready for the mission, which was bound to be a long one.

Allen walked alone back to his room, fairly sure of where he was going. Or not.

'_Oh geez...I think I took a wrong turn a few halls back...'_

The last three or four halls were all almost exactly the same, same number of doors, no defining (and often disturbing and cryptic) pictures on the walls. It was a place where Allen often messed up when going to his room, but it was easy enough to backtrack from there. Sometimes. One hall back, two, then three then four, and Allen was more lost than he was just a few minutes ago.

"Tch....do you always get lost in this exact same hall?" Allen turned to see Kanda scowling down at him.

'_What does he mean, 'this exact hall'? Have I gotten lost here before? ....Oh yeah ... That time when it was really late and he brought me to the dining hall...'_

"Um... maybe... what difference does it make where I got lost!?"

"Because you always manage to get lost mysteriously close to my room baka Moyashi."

"Huh? Really?" Allen had no idea where Kanda's room was, it was a bit strange that he'd always get lost near it.

"Does baby Moyashi need to be led by the hand to his room?" Kanda asked in a teasing manner. Allen huffed indignantly, blushing slightly.

"NO! I don't! I can find my way back easily enough!"

Kanda rolled his eyes and headed in the direction Allen just came from, stopping mid-hall.

"Well do you want to get back to your room or not Moyashi!?" Allen jumped, realizing that he was expected to follow. He turned around and followed Kanda back to his room.

'_...Why does he know where my room is when I don't? No fair...'_

**Yeah.....saya just had to end this in a silly way. There was a lot of Allen introspection in this chapter. He's turning out to be a kinda deep character ...maybe.... that might be a bit self-gratifying to say. Oh well. Review if you wish. **


	27. Problems

**Funny youtube reactions p2: so here's the second one that Saya thinks cannot be beat. She got this hate mail where the first thing on there was "you are the devil" and "you'd better find God or I'll find him for ya". Unfortunately for the sender Saya was in a preachy mood and it was three in the morning. She ended up writing a huge letter that threw this person's Christianity angle right back at them. The next message she got from them was "are you a prophet?" From devil to prophet....nice x]**

**Saya bought Kanda and Allen on EEEEEEBAY! xD**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, and the occasional swearing. This Chapter could easily pass for K+ though. **

**27. Problems**

It was fair to say that Kanda was pissed. Well, more pissed than usual. Why was he so angry? Well part of it has to do with the baka usagi sitting next to him, in the train compartment that was being shared by the four exorcists. Said bunny was chattering away with Lenalee and the Moyashi, talking about anything and everything, occasionally trying to get Kanda into the conversation, an attempt that always failed regardless of the subject matter. The talkative Lavi made it impossible to sleep or think, so Kanda put up with it by glaring out the window.

The more prominent reason for his anger though was Allen. While they had been on their mission to the states, Allen had shed his false persona for a bit, and Kanda had gotten used to the real Allen. But of course, with others here, others who certainly had no idea about his inner self, Allen was back to constantly being nice, nice and fake. The trip had helped Kanda understand Allen a small bit, understand why he hid from others, but it was all pointless now that the real Allen was back in hiding. Kanda didn't know which he'd prefer at this point, the kind Allen who didn't blow up, was perfectly civil, but horribly fake, or the Allen who was constantly having mood swings, was so closed about everything and yet so incredibly open? Though most would rather someone who was kind and easy to deal with, Kanda was leaning more towards wanting the real Allen around, yet Kanda was slightly attached to the sense of normalcy provided by the false Allen. Was it possible for both to exist at the same time?

"What do you mean by that Moyashi-chan?"

"IT ALLEN!"

Allen on the other hand, was having a few problems of his own. One, with Kanda sitting right there, he wasn't sure he could stop himself from slipping up in his facade. He had been rather honest with Kanda as of late, could he stop himself from accidently slipping into that in front of the others? And would Kanda try to make him slip up? It was a definite possibility, Kanda might try to get him to reveal to the others how he really was, so he would have to be extra wary.

But, as Kanda had, Allen also had a problem that was a little more important. That problem was Kanda himself.

"_I was headed there myself anyways, I might as well bring you there. Stop getting lost already, I wont help you again."_

"_Look, I am not trying to do anything nice for you, you idiot Moyashi. I just don't want to have to share a cabin with a person who smells like _sick_ for a month."_

"_I am not "Nice" I am simply making sure you don't hinder the mission. It would be a pain to have to deal with a useless idiot."_

"_Congratulations Moyashi, you just saved your skins."_

"_...As long as he wants to return to the Order, I will bring him back!"_

Ever since Allen saw what happened in town that day, he couldn't help but think of Kanda in a different way. He was suddenly realizing that Kanda wasn't as mean and cold-hearted as he wanted everyone to believe. As much as Kanda insisted that he wasn't being nice, that he was just helping Allen because it was convenient for him, or because if he didn't Allen would hold him back, it the end he was still helping Allen. Besides, what excuse could he give for bringing Allen back to the Order when he could've just left him? When he _should've_ just killed him? Poor Allen, dazed and confused, was worried that maybe he was starting to not-dislike Kanda, seeing as 'hate' was too much of a strong word to describe anything Allen felt towards anyone in the Black Order.

'_...Like I could ever get along with that ponytail...'_

"Hey Allen, are you ok? You've been a little quiet all day," Lenalee asked, concerned by Allen's lack of speaking. Allen snapped back to attention, net realizing he had just zoned out.

"Oh, I'm fine, just a little tired is all."

"Then you should sleep Allen," Lavi said, looking like it was the obvious answer. It was but... if Kanda, King of tuning people out, couldn't ignore Lavi, how on earth would Allen do it?

"Tch... baka red... he can't sleep because you won't shut up."

"Oh my gosh... Kanda speaks!" Lavi said, pointing dramatically. Kanda grabbed his finger and bent it backwards, not enough to break or seriously hurt him, but enough to make Lavi pull his hand back and act like a kicked rabbit for a minute.

"Sorry Moyashi-chan ... forgive me?" Lavi asked, looking very much like a sorry little child. Allen smiled, nodding out a yes. Lavi was loud and obnoxious a lot of the time, but he was a good friend who shut up if you told him to. Most of the time. Allen was just about to get comfortable enough to take a nap, or at least pretend to, when the train started slowing, they were at their stop. That was ok though, Allen hadn't planned on actually sleeping, he knew his nightmares would come if he took even the smallest nap, he didn't want anyone to hear what he said in his sleep, it would be mortifying. Even if Kanda had already listened into his sleep-talking once, the other two were blissfully unaware of his sleeping problems.

The quartet plus Timcampy and finder got their things down off the carriers and got off the train when it pulled into the station. They had chosen the finder's head quarters in Antwerp to operate from, and had taken a train to Antwerp Central Station, a beautiful station that looked very much like a cathedral. The inside was all marble and different kinds of stones, with huge domes, a grand staircase and arches at the entrances. Allen looked around the station in wonder as the group walked through it and to the finder's area.

"Welcome to our headquarters exorcists, and thank you for coming out here. My name is Devon, I'm in charge here," a tall finder with brown hair and a small beard said. After a series of pleasantries and introductions the exorcists were finally in their own temporary rooms. Allen looked around the sparsely furnished room, thinking it looked very much like his room at home, with the exception that it had no picture of a clown carrying a black coffin with a white cross on the wall near his bed.

'_The nothingness of this room...is too familiar... I think I hate it.'_

**No....Allen's not gonna go ape shit or something in his room.... it's just a mentally expressed opinion. Well woot for another chapter done! This is the art of filler making. You see, Saya has this innocence in her finger tips that allows her to write non-filler stuff...but she's to lazy to invocate it at the moment. So filler it is! Review anyways?**


	28. Chatting with a Wall

**YATTA!!! she's ba—ck. Yeah...Saya had FUN this Saturday.... She went to see the transformers movie....oh geez, that is her favorite movie of everness. Sorry Naruto movies, sorry Conqueror of Shamballa, you've been pwned. **

**Saya owns -man like she owns her house, she doesn't.**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, and the occasional swearing.** **This chapter is probably more like..K-ish....**

28. Chatting with a Wall

Allen tossed and turned, no matter what he did, he could not sleep. He felt bare, he felt as though there was nothing around him, as if he were in a waste land. There was nothing familiar here, nothing but a familiar emptiness. This empty feeling had been with him ever sense Mana died, and the place Mana once occupied in his heart was left an open wound. Nothing but fear and apprehension had chosen to fill that gaping hole, and well... that's not what one would want to fill it with. Yet, it was the only thing that would, so who was Allen to not allow those feelings to dwell there? Still, if there was anything better in which to fill his heart with, Allen would gladly use it. Maybe something that left him feeling a little warmer inside?

"What's wrong with you?"

Allen sat up quickly, and blinked, looking around to find the source of the voice. It had been muffled, as though it were traveling through a wall.

"Tch...I asked what the hell is wrong with you Moyashi!"

Allen jumped, realizing that the voice was indeed coming through the wall, the one right next to his bed to be exact.

"K-Kanda?"

"Yes, it's me. Who did you think it was? The boogie man?" Kanda asked sarcastically, in a voice that even when muffled expressed his annoyance.

"W-why are you awake? And...talking to me through the wall...?"

There was a few seconds of silence, and Allen assumed Kanda was sighing in an irritated fashion, rolling his eyes and muttering something along the lines of "baka Moyashi" under his breath. He was exactly right.

"I'm awake because you're so restless that I can hear you through the wall! I'm talking through said wall because I don't feel like moving and going to your room to ask you why you're making so much noise."

'_Am I really being that loud? All I'm doing is moving....a lot.'_

"Sorry... Nothing's wrong..." Allen mumbled, looking down.

"Speak up, all I can hear is mumbling."

"I said it's nothing."

"Then why don't you sleep?"

Allen couldn't answer with "I never sleep" because that would be a bit suspicious, and besides, Allen had slept while on the ship and at home... sometimes. Most of the time on the ship he had just stayed really still, because he knew he wasn't alone. He usually ended up passing out from exhaustion every week, falling into dreamless unconsciousness. He didn't bother staying awake when at home, because he knew no one would be bothered. However, he had not expected that he could be heard through the walls here. Dumb walls. Allen would be sure to kick them sometime.

"...I just can't sleep tonight..."

Kanda, on the other side of the wall, didn't believe that it was only that night that Allen couldn't sleep. He had been awake that one time on the ship after all and had seen how horribly Allen slept, how loud he could be. Kanda got the feeling that if Allen had ever really slept while on that mission, Kanda would've never gotten a decent night's sleep himself. Allen probably hadn't slept much, and he didn't plan to now. Whatever it was, Kanda decided on a direct approach. Who knows, maybe if Allen knew what Kanda suspected he wouldn't bother with Allen's lies for too long.

'_Then again, maybe he can just lie me to sleep.... can't sleep when he's making so much noise!'_

"It's not just tonight is it, Moyashi?"

"Huh? What? N-no way! I sleep all the time and-and...yeah."

Kanda could just picture Allen freaking out, shaking his head so fast that he got dizzy in his fit of denial. That seemed to be the case too, seeing as Allen didn't answer for a while, and the bed he was on squeaked and groaned as his head moved, making his entire body move too. That was the real problem with him moving, not that he was, that probably wouldn't be much of a problem. However, the walls were rather thin, and the beds were old, and many of them were unused, resulting in them getting stiff and rusty. Not only were they incredibly uncomfortable, but they were loud, and therefore any movements were exaggerated by the sound.

"Right... You're loud when you sleep... and now that I think about it, you probably wouldn't move any less even if you were asleep... but you're not, so why the hell aren't you?"

Back with Allen one could see him huffing, a bit annoyed, a little embarrasse; had Kanda really paid so much attention to him that one time he had seen him sleep?

'_If it wouldn't make a difference either way then why are you bothering to ask? And you're not asleep either so who are you to talk!?'_

"Why do you care if it won't make a difference?"

"Because two isn't always better than one. It would be less problematic if only one of us were sleep deprived. Besides, you make reckless decisions enough as it is, you don't need your judgment impaired further."

Allen blushed a little more, rather indignant, and most definitely embarrassed now. He was _not_ reckless...all the time. Just sometimes... _occasionally_... and of course, there it was again, that kindness that Kanda tried to cover up with a million and forty two excuses.

"Then you sleep, get ear plugs or something...."

"Oh yeah, I'll just walk to the nearest store and buy a pair... at 2 a.m. Or better yet lets just shove a few lit candles in my ears..."

"No need to be so sarcastic... and besides, there's no reason for me to sleep... I'm used to it..."

"People shouldn't need to get used to insomnia when there's no need for it. Whatever it is would probably stop bugging you if you just outright said it."

"You're awful talkative tonight Kanda... are _you _feeling alright?"

"Don't dodge my question Moyashi."

Allen sighed, deciding to give in, he'd told Kanda other things about himself, and if Kanda wanted to hear more, then whatever, why not roll with it?

"I can't sleep."

"No shit. The question was why?"

There was a long pause as Allen decided on the right words he could use to explain himself.

"...It's too empty... Everything's too empty in here..."

"It's empty? You mean there's not enough crap in the room or something? Sheesh.... is that all?"

"You don't get it. There's nothing here... not just in the room...there's not enough of anything... its too empty."

No, Kanda did not understand, Allen wasn't being very clear, just what was it that was so empty? What was so horribly barren that it would stop Allen from sleeping?

'_His stomach?_ _ No... this doesn't sound much like a physical problem... If it was then he would just go eat, or ask a doctor for help... What could be so empty?_

No, Kanda did not understand, but maybe when he did, he could help?

**Yeah Kanda....so hurry up and realize poor Moyashi is talking about his heart, you insensitive bum. **

**Kanda: shut up! I don't wanna hear that from the person who's making me seem so dense in the first place!**

**.....yeah well .... no Moyashi for a weak for talkin' back. **

**Kanda: -pwned-**


	29. Herding Akuma

**Here it is...chapter...what number is this on now? Great Scott its number 29! Saya can't believe she had the energy to get that far....not to say that she wrote much, it's still a really short fic... but still....woot. **

**Saya owns this fic! but...none of the characters in it....sadly enough.**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing. This is a K rated chapter though.**

29. Herding Akuma

The four exorcists took a carriage to Gent, Allen and Lavi sitting a safe distance away from the sleep-deprived Kanda. No, neither Kanda nor Allen had gotten any sleep, Kanda too busy thinking on Allen's words and too proud to ask for a clearer explanation, and Allen's reason being the reason why Kanda was thinking at all late at night.

While usually the exorcists would take the perfectly functional train to Gent, apparently anyone who did was killed almost immediately upon arrival by Akuma. Therefore, they used a carriage driven by, of course, Toma.

"So how are we gonna do this? Anyone have a plan?" Allen asked, hoping someone did because he had never been one for battle plans. He was more of a 'get-to-the-scene-then-wing-it' kinda guy. Lavi nodded, looking serious for once. It was rather surprising that he had a plan; well not really, he was rather intelligent despite popular belief. Still, the surprise made everyone listen that much more closely.

"Well the way I see it, this is a really long term mission. Either that or the Order plans to switch out exorcists every so often, otherwise this would take roughly 6 years at the shortest to finish. While we're here, we should try to make a plan that could work for all other teams too, that way there can be a steady decline in the Akuma of this area."

'_Six... years? Are you kidding me? They must be switching people out, because no way Komui would send Lenalee on such a long mission.' _

"So what I think we should do is lure about 100 Akuma out of the city into a more open area, to keep destruction to a minimum. If we kill off 100 a day, then we can at least make a dent in their numbers."

A somewhat simple plan, but one that could definitely work. However, the thought of killing off 100 Akuma a day, or more specifically, fighting 100 akuma a day was rather unsettling.

"Lavi are you sure about such a high number? I mean, there's only 4 of us. Most exorcists won't fight so many at once..." Lenalee said, worry in her voice. Lenalee would rather take a slow approach even if it took a while if it meant her friends were safer.

"Yeah, I know it's a lot Lenalee, but think of it, four of us, 100 akuma, that's 25 akuma each. I'm sure we've each fought something close to that many Akuma at one point or another, and we're all still alive, ne? Besides, we've all gotten a little better after training with Komui and Allen's little akuma clones. We can take them."

Lavi had the upmost confidence that they could indeed pull 100 akuma a day off, and his confidence radiated outwards, infecting everyone in the carriage.

"Well then... now the question is how to lure only 100 of them..."

000

At the edge of the city, Allen's eye went crazy at the sheer number of Akuma. It was all his one eye could see, Akuma to the left, to the right, up, down, and side to side. His left eye was nearly blinded by the dark, purplish light that was emitted by the flames of all the Akuma souls. It was sickening to look at. The worst part for Allen though, was that he knew his friends could see them too, because of his evolved eye. His black and white world was the last thing he'd ever want his friends to see. He took comfort in the fact that they could only see what was in front of them though, and not see all within a 300 meter radius regardless of obstacles the way he could. But that fact didn't really help much, sadly enough.

"Well, let's go."

The four sprinted into the city, Lenalee far ahead of the others. She found a group, and counted there numbers, about 40 of them. She started running at the speed of sound, in a huge circle around the group, in much the same way that the Level two had encircled Kanda in London. The Akuma couldn't hit her, she was too quick, and they couldn't move past her, or out of her ring, any who tried were swiftly destroyed by Lenalee without her even breaking her circle. They were all level ones, and none of them had the intelligence to think of a way to get out. What was more was that she was moving, slowly but surely, her circle was moving closer to the area of the city that had been the decided battle field.

"I've got 'em here!" She yelled, alerting her friends to her arrival, as it was quite hard to see someone moving at the speed of sound. They nodded, showing they were ready, and she expanded her circle's radius a small bit, allowing her friends to enter. The three who entered activated their innocence, and started the take-down. All the akuma were mildly confused, having not the mental capacity to fully analyze their situation. All they knew is that they couldn't get out, and they were being day by day that was how the exorcists fought, Lenalee gathered the Akuma, brought them to the edge of the city, and acted as a barrier, containing the fights in her ring. Allen, Kanda, and Lavi would fight from within, dodging bullets and destroying the Akuma who shot them.

000

"Wow... this job is getting so boring…" Lavi said, plopping down on a couch in the lounge of the Finder's base after a long day of exorcizing. Allen and Lenalee nodded in agreement.

"Yeah... it's so routine it's starting to feel like an office job, and not like a battlefield," Lenalee said, quieting when she remembered her brother worked in an office of sorts, and had loads of fun with it. Well, more importantly, she remembered her brother in general, who she now missed dearly after two months of being separated.

Yes, in two months they hadn't needed to change their strategy, and had been easily destroying 100 akuma a day. The only thing that made them feel anything more than completely apathetic about their fighting was the fact that they were meeting their 100 a day quota, and often went over it. Lavi had thought up a truly good plan. Still, there wasn't one among them who didn't wish to meet up with a level two, who could possibly pose a challenge, and maybe put some excitement into their fights.

"Well I suppose that's a good thing, it means we can get out of here sooner,"Allen offered, hoping the idea would stop his friends from slipping into utter lethargy. They all nodded, happy with the thought. Then Lenalee got up, and decided to contact headquarters to report back about the past month, to ask about how much longer their mission would be, and most importantly, to ask how Komui was holding up without her.

"Gent's getting stale... we need some excitement… I know!!!! Moyashi-chan! Yuu-chan! We should take a break and go explore Antwerp for a day!"

And with that declaration, without consulting anyone else, and without waiting for approval from any of his companions (who he would drag with him anyways), Lavi planned out a day in Antwerp, Belgium.

**Well that'll be fun. Can you wait to see what Lavi plans? Really....he seems like the type who would be an awesome tour guide, he'd know a bit about everything. Or a traveling planner-typed thing.... he'd hit all the fun places. Yay for Allen getting lost in Antwerp!** **'Cause you know he will....x33**


	30. Death by Chocolate

**Hello. Saya's so.....SORRYYYYYYYY ;-;!!! Yeah.....ok. Dramatics aside, Saya apologizes for the slightly late update. You see, Wednesday Saya decided to finish her summer reading. Thursday Saya rewarded herself for a job well done by beta-ing Riku-Dono's 'Smirking Shadows' (go read it now!) Yes, it's so fun to beta! especially such a good story! -randomly glomps Riku-** **ok, onto the ****filler**** chapter. **

**Saya owns DGM the way she owns a vampire....she'd love to have them both, but it's impossible.....**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is K.**

30. Death by Chocolate

"We'll start at the Harbor, and then we'll hit all the big attractions around the town. We'll have to go to the 7th house of the Guilds in Town Square, it's supposed to be the most beautiful of the row. The Brabo Fountain is in the Square too. Do you guys wanna visit the Town Hall? It looks like it would just be a boring tour... maybe just a peak inside! Anyone wanna go to the Steen? We'll definitely need to go to the Meat Hall too!"

"Meat Hall?"

Lavi had been looking at a map of the city of Antwerp as he went through a mental list of all the historical monuments and what-not of the city, and of course the idea of a meat hall had immediately caught Allen's attention, as everyone was currently waiting at a small table for breakfast and he was looking forward to eating.

The entire time Lavi talked everyone had just stared in amazement; he had taken to planning this little excursion happily, the redhead was more excited than anyone else. If they didn't know better the group would think he had been planning this little break from the beginning... Actually that's exactly what they thought. They were right too; he had been entertaining the idea this entire time, and had been planning a trip like this one in detail in his mind.

"It's not a restaurant or anything. It has nothing to do with Meat at all actually, except for how the bricks used to make the building switch off in red and white stripes, a style often referred to as 'speklagen' or 'bacon layers'. Its original purpose was to be used as the Butcher's guild's house, but guilds no longer exist so it's now a museum."

Allen and Lenalee blinked, Lavi had done his homework on the matter. But then again, he was a Bookman's apprentice; he probably knew something about everywhere. And even if he didn't, they had been in the city long enough just taking up residence, he probably poked around to find out a thing or two about Antwerp, he knew how to research efficiently.

"Anyways! I know we most definitely have to go to the Groenplaats for Lunch! There's a bunch of cafes and they have really good beer around that section of the town. Lenalee's gonna wanna got to the shopping district and probably the diamond district too..."

"You know what Lavi? How about you just act as a tour guide and tell us all of this stuff as we're walking through the city. At this rate the entire chapter will be about travel plans," Lenalee said, speaking truth. Lavi decided he liked the idea of being in charge of the group for a day, and nodded excitedly to that. Kanda, who had been trying his hardest to block out Lavi's rambling, sighed in relief as sweet silence met his ears for the first time since morning. Then the food came, and his silence was over. Allen and Lavi didn't seem to know how to eat without making noise.

000

"Hey Allen, do you wanna go back to see the train station? You looked like you wanted to take a look around when we first came here," Lavi said. Allen nodded; he liked the idea very much. He wanted time to marvel at the grand station.

"Would that be out of the way though?"

"Moyashi-chan, we're here today to sight-see! Nothing is out of the way! Besides, the diamond district is down by the station so it's right along the way!" Lavi said, patting Allen's head and assuring him that it was fine. As the group continued through the city, all sorts of sites and scents met the exorcist quartet. It was a very aesthetically pleasing city, with boutiques and cafes all over, restaurant filling the streets with delicious smells, and performers in the squares. All of them were enjoying themselves, even Kanda, who showed this by grimacing as though someone was twisting a knife in his side.

"Yuu-chan... you look almost sick, you must be enjoying yourself!" Lavi said, grinning happily as he slung an arm around his friend's shoulders. Kanda twitched angrily.

"What the hell would make you think that looking sick equaled enjoyment…?"

"You always do that Yuu-chan! That's why I know you're having fun!"

The two squabbled on about Kanda's unorthodox method of showing amusement, and Allen and Lenalee bought some chocolates at a local store.

'_I don't really care for chocolates but it'd be rude to turn down Lenalee's offer ... Besides... Belgian Chocolate really is head and shoulders above the rest!' _Allen thought happily as he bit into a small square of chocolate, the sweet confection melting in his mouth. As the two rejoined the squabbling duo, the feeling of being watched and followed slowly enveloped Allen, ruining his good mood that was brought on by the sugary substance.

'_This is crazy, we're in such a huge crowd, there's no way anyone would be-_could_ be following us.'_

But pessimism won over his dismissal. Lavi himself had told him when they first battled together that he shouldn't travel in a crowd because it was too easy for Akuma to come up behind them. Of course, that was no problem with Allen's eye, which informed him of the fact that this particular crowd was devoid of all Akuma, and therefore perfectly safe. However, his eye couldn't detect Noah, and that was his much more urgent problem, what with Rhode and especially Tyki popping up all over.

'_You're imagining things... What would be the point of either of them being here?'_

As much as he'd like to indulge himself in thinking that the Noahs wouldn't show up without having a point, he knew better than that, sadly the Noah didn't need a reason to torture him. Poor Allen. He was suddenly filled with the urge to kill himself via choking on gourmet chocolates when he saw a familiar top hat in the crowd. The person who resided under said hat was looking directly at him with hypnotic golden eyes that beckoned him to break away from his friends and meet with him. A shiver ran down his spine as he felt a familiar hand ghost over his cheek; Allen's theories were proved in that instant.

Suddenly filled with a righteous fury, Allen strayed away from his friends as quietly and casually as possible, to be sure that no one noticed his absence, well at least not right away. Allen was not so fortunate, though he was so concentrated on keeping his anger in that he didn't even notice when Kanda told Lavi Allen was sick and he would be accompanying the Moyashi to the nearest rest room, seeing as he was the least directionally challenged of the lot and the most attentive and would not lose Allen or get lost himself, in doing so covering for both himself and Allen.

Nope, Allen didn't notice Kanda tailing him and glaring a whole through his back at all, and walked into the Alley Tyki lead him to ready to do everything in his power to learn what the hell Tyki had done to him.

**Well, well. Well. Tyki's ba~ck! you knew Saya couldn't leave him alone for long, Allen needs to be tortured more often.....wow, sadism much? Whatever! so continuing with her excuse-making, after Saya beta'd Smirking Shadows she had a dentist appointment....and she didn't wake up until near-noon so her day was cut rather short. Ok, that's good for now! you all be good and review Saya's 30****th**** chapter now, ya hear?**

**Note-the name of this chapter is actually the name of this restaurant in Boston where everything is made of chocolate.....seriously....she decided to name it that because of Allen's urge to kill himself with chocolate as his accomplice. **

**Note 2-** **Groenplaats**__**Green plaza**


	31. Allen's Many Arts

**HERE IT IS!!!! You've all waited with bated breath, and now your patience is rewarded... What is this? The seventh Harry Potter book? Sheesh... anyways... WAAHHH SAYA LOVES YOU ALL SO MUUUCH!!!!! -super glomp attack miracle beam- all the reviews.... just the fact that you keep reading even as Saya babbles on....TT-TT LOVE!**

**Saya's working on finding the rights to DGM on ebay.....still...she'll settle for the OST.**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is T. What else when Tyki's around?**

31. Allen's Many Arts

Kanda followed Allen, wondering with an angry curiosity what the young boy was doing. He didn't notice Tyki until the two stopped in a dark alley that would hide everything done in it so well from the rest of the world.

'_What? He's meeting that Noah? Moyashi you'd better have a good reason for this...'_

Allen was supposed to hate this man, so why the hell was he following him into a deserted alley, of all places? Kanda wanted to ask, but he got the feeling that if he watched, he would learn so much more about the white-haired exorcist.

"Why the hell are you here!?" Allen demanded of Tyki, who smirked in response. Of course, there was another reason for his smirk. Though his eyes never strayed from the beautifully enraged face of the petite boy, from him peripheral vision, Tyki could make out a tall, dark, and slightly familiar figure. It was the same boy who had accompanied Allen on the ship, and while he was now covered in shadows to the point of invisibility, the one moment it took for him to get to those shadows was enough for Tyki to recognize him.

'_Heh, it would seem we have an audience, Dear Allen, so let's put on a good show.'_

Tyki grinned evilly at the thought, he could spill all of Allen's secrets right now, and though Allen might get mad, he wouldn't worry that someone was over-hearing them. Heck, he might even spill a secret or two himself! And of course, Tyki had yet to see for himself if his little doll really worked, what a wonderful time to test it out.

"What? Can I not come to enjoy myself in Belgium without being suspicious? For your information I love chocolates."

"Shut up! You know exactly what I mean! I doubt you came here for chocolate!" Tyki sighed, pretending to be annoyed with Allen's impatience and accusations. He then gave an arrogant smirk.

"Why else would I be here? I'm here to collect you, and bring you back to the Earl. My dear Destroyer of Time, you still have another role you must fulfill."

Allen snarled at the statement, his face showing none of its usual sweetness. Tyki loved to see that face so much, it was so raw and real, and of course, he could always twist it even more from there.

"No! Why do you act as though I'm the only one who can do this damned job?! There are 109 units of innocence, that means 109 other people could do it!"

Kanda caught this, realizing that it meant that whatever he was supposed to be dong involved being an Accomodator, or more accurately, an exorcist.

"No, no. You know that's not right Allen. You are the only one who can do this. Why do you think we took you and that scientist Mana in? Why do you think we trained you, of all the world's children? There is clearly a bigger reason for your being chosen, and you know it. You may not have been able to activate your innocence yet, but you could still fight. For nearly all of your life you've been trained in the Art of Killing. We had done such a good job to, you were at the point were you could hardly be considered human, with how heartless you were when it was necessary... Your only draw-back, the only thing that kept you human, sane, and annoyingly soft was Mana... why else would he be killed? Such a useful man too... We had thought that by killing him, we could kill what was left of your heart. It seems we were wrong though."

Allen's eyes were wide with shock, as were Kanda's, but no one was aware of that fact. Allen had known from the beginning that Mana had been murdered, but he didn't think it was the Earl who had done it, he didn't think the Earl would kill off a valuable scientist. But it all made sense, complete sense, Mana had been killed in the hopes that Allen's heart would accompany him to the grave.

"T-that ...was why he died? Because of something so stupid!? You couldn't just leave well enough alone? I was already molded into some killing machine because of you Noah and your damned Earl! I would've done anything if it would've kept Mana alive! Too late for you now, though! I'll never do my part in the Earl's scenario! Mana wouldn't have wanted it anyways."

Tyki scowled at the outburst. Allen's breathing was ragged with sobs, did the boy realize he was near-crying? No, Allen was as close to crying as he could get, tears refused to fall for him though, they refused to leave his eyes. Tyki decided to change the subject, for the sake of finishing this little meeting, and going on his merry way with Allen in tow. He took out a familiar straw effigy out of his back pocket, taking an even more familiar red ribbon out with it, tying it around the figure's neck, speaking all the while.

"You know, it's quite strange the things one does when they're bored. I found myself playing with a doll."

He smirked at Allen's confused expression, as angry as it still was. Tyki ran his thumb over the side of the thing's 'face,' and Allen felt it as a hand gliding over his skin, making him jump from the unexpectedness of it. Like everything Tyki made, this doll was a bit 'special'. Allen wouldn't react to exactly what he did to the creation, but would feel what Tyki willed him to; after all, what could he do with a doll not 12 cm tall? Allen's eyes narrowed in disbelief.

"You cannot be serious..._ That's_ how you've been doing all this freaky crap to me!?"

Allen was disgusted, wasn't voodoo going a bit too far? Apparently not to Tyki, who was grinning proudly at the fact the doll worked properly. He had poked at it a few times when he was bored, but of course had never seen Allen's reaction. How fun it would've been to see him reacting in front of a crowd to a seemingly non-existent touch.

Tyki, taking things a little farther, moved a finger between the thing's 'legs' and was pleasantly surprised to see Allen gasp in shock, and possibly pleasure, and take a step back, as if that would do any good. His radiant blush confused Kanda, who was still hiding in the shadows, who wouldn't be confused by that? Tyki took advantage of Allen's sudden closeness to the wall behind him, and walked over, leaving barely any room between himself and the boy. However for him, that was generous.

"You will see the Earl, and tell him what he wants to know. Then you will let your friends 'save' you from his clutches, and pretend to be your sweet and fake self, and you will kill them all one by one from the inside. No one would ever suspect you of all people, dear Allen, you're too sweet to them. You've managed to teach yourself the Art of Deception quite well. But before we go anywhere... I want to see if you still remember _my _lessons... on the Art of Screaming..."

**Oh boy.....Tyki's such a perv...... Allen molest in the alley way..... gee, how original..... -.- yeah, Saya's being mean to herself again.... reviews are love.....**


	32. Like a Train Wreak

V**Here it is! Saya hopes you could stand the wait, because it's over! So....because she can't think of anything to say.....ENJOY!**

**Saya owns the books, the merchandise, and the fan-fic, but not the actual story -man.....**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is between T and M..... Tyki always brings the rating up a bit....... **

32. Like a Train Wreck

Tyki smirked at the disgust and fear that shone in Allen's eyes, then kissed him roughly. Allen was immobile, he didn't move, he didn't speak, he didn't do anything. It was better if he didn't react, reacting was just what Tyki wanted, and Allen would control himself to the very best of his abilities just to spite the older man. It was pointless anyways, no matter what Allen did, he'd never managed to escape before, why should now be different? His attacks went right through the hatted man, and his resistance was futile when Tyki was so much stronger.

Meanwhile, from the shadows, Kanda stared on in complete shock and utter disgust. He didn't want to look, not at all, he wanted nothing more than to turn away from the unsightly happenings of the alley, but he couldn't. It was like a train wreck, he wanted to look away, close his eyes, block out the negative imagery, or _something, _but found he couldn't do much but stare helplessly. He was rather confused too, if it were him in Allen's place, he'd be beating the shit out of Tyki, not standing there blankly as the older man undid buttons, nipped at his neck, and pinned his wrists above his head.

But alas, Allen and Kanda were most definitely not the same people, and therefore, Allen stood, pressed to a wall in a dark alley, feeling completely hopeless, but showing nothing on his face. Tyki's little doll and the ribbon that went with it had been discarded; he would have no further use for the thing now. He released Allen's wrists for a moment to push off the younger's coat. Instead of recapturing his hands, Tyki pressed his body flush against Allen's, so he no longer had room to move, well not without helping Tyki in his work.

"I see I was right, dear boy, you really have mastered deception. If I didn't know any better, I would honestly think you weren't getting a thrill out of this... of course, I'd know that better than anyone, wouldn't I?"

Allen couldn't suppress a shudder that ran through him as Tyki's heated breath hit his skin, and Tyki smirked at his reaction, he was thoroughly enjoying the challenge Allen was posing, but it wouldn't be fun if he didn't win in the end.

Tyki may have been enjoying himself, but Kanda most certainly was not. In fact, he was finally gaining the lost control of his body, shaking his head to snap himself out of his shocked state. Deciding that he should stop the whole affair before it became any more indecent, he ran into the alley. Tyki had not expected to suddenly come under attack; actually he had completely forgotten Kanda was there, figuring that if he hadn't come out already then he must've gone away, maybe to tell the other exorcists what he had heard. Therefore, when Kanda rammed into him, he was actually hit, and forced backwards several feet before he came out of his surprise and became intangible. Kanda skid to a stop shortly after he went through Tyki, it was quite a strange sensation to go directly through something that was solid not a moment before.

Now it was Allen's turn to be shocked, he hadn't known Kanda was there, and hadn't expected him to interfere with Tyki's work, not to say he wasn't happy the Japanese did. But most importantly, he had not thought Kanda would see all that happened. It made him sick to think that someone had actually seen him, and still saw him, in his pitiful state.

Kanda glared in his direction, making him straighten out, freezing in his now stiff and upright position. Kanda was going to order Allen to run, but was cut off before he even began.

"W-what are you doing here....?" Allen's voice shook as he asked; Kanda's sudden arrival had violently taken him from his state of apathy, and all his stunted emotions were starting to show. Tyki, never one to give up a chance to state painful truths to the boy, answered for Kanda.

"He's been here the entire time, dear Allen, you were so preoccupied with me that you hadn't noticed him following you at all, I must say I'm truly flattered." Allen's eyes widened as each word was spoken, and Kanda mentally swore upon hearing that he might as well have been standing in the middle of the alley for all his hiding had done.

"I had to give our audience a show, no? So naturally, I thought the most entertaining thing for him would be a little expose on your purpose in the Order. Well, have fun cleaning up the mess I've so dutifully made, I'll see you again soon, my dear boy," Tyki said, smirking triumphantly, as he disappeared from the alley. Kanda and Allen, the two now alone, stared at each other in silence for a moment, before the cold of the air around him caught up to Allen, and he shivered again, realizing that Tyki had managed to remove half his clothes before being stopped. He blushed a deep red when realizing Kanda was still staring at him, though he must've realized Allen's bare state by now. The younger boy quickly gathered up his clothes off the ground, putting everything back in the appropriate order.

Kanda stopped staring when Allen started moving again, instead glaring at the ground.

"Damn Moyashi, you get yourself into deeper shit everyday. Why the hell didn't you do anything just now?! You were just letting that creep do as he pleased!"

Allen paused in the middle of re-tying the ribbon around his neck, his replacement ribbon that had done such a good job in the original's stead.

"Well if you were there the entire time why didn't you stop him sooner? The least you could've done was let me know you were there...."

"It's not my job to make sure you don't get involved with older men. What the hell were you doing, just standing there? You didn't even react, it was disgusting. Why the hell didn't you fight back!?"

Allen's throat clenched tight, he didn't want to answer that question, the answer only made him feel weaker than he already did. Still, as much as he wanted to hold it in, he was clearly shaken, and his mouth wasn't paying much attention to his mind; he couldn't stop himself as his reasons slipped out of his lips.

"Why? Why?! Because what could I do? If I tried to fight him, he'd just let my attacks go through him... When I resist he overpowers me... It's always, always been that way. For so long... so damned long, before I ever could do anything... It's all but a built in reaction to do nothing, I never could before... Why would that change now? When will it ever change...?"

Allen was once again at the strange point where normally he would be crying, but tears refused to fall, no matter how real his pain was. It was a truly pitiful sight if Kanda had ever seen one, and once again he had that train wreck reaction, were he could not look away, but didn't want to see Allen in all his raw weakness.

Finally, with unimaginable will-power, Kanda managed to look down, watching his feet as he made his way towards the mouth of the alley, to Allen's side. As he did he stopped, bent down, and picked up the familiar red ribbon off the ground, where Tyki had left it. He put a hand on the white-haired boy's shoulder, making him jump, suddenly at full awareness again. Kanda realized his mistake immediately, and removed his hand. Allen looked up, his eyes showing nothing but apology; he didn't want Kanda to think he didn't trust the older exorcist, or to think that he thought Kanda was anything like Tyki Mikk.

"I-I'm sorry..."

"Tch....just pull yourself together and we'll head back to the others. I told them you were sick, and you sure as hell look sick. We'll just head back to the Finder's base after telling Lavi and Lenalee where we're going," Kanda said, not looking at Allen for fear that his concern was showing on his face. Allen nodded and took a deep breath, before following Kanda out of the alley and back into the light, busy street, clutching Kanda's sleeve just like a scared and confused child would.

**Ok, time for a stupid joke that'll totally ruin the serious and slightly depressing mood. The entire time Kanda was staring at half-dressed Allen he was thinking "I'd fuck that." Ok, there you go, Saya's job is done for now... **


	33. Holding On Tightly

**Geez... Saya can't wait for school.... yeah, you all thinks she's insane now but seriously... she could use the structure... and the inspiration of everyday school life.... she's better at updating on time during the school year.... **

**Ownership of DGM is Hoshino's....**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** **This is gonna be a K chapter. **

33. Holding On Tightly

Kanda and Allen found Lenalee and Lavi in the busy streets again, and Kanda explained that Allen was simply much too sick to stay out the rest of the day. Lenalee and Lavi believed it too, he was pale, shaking slightly, had been gone for quite a long time, and his fear was definitely making him feel sick enough. Allen insisted that they not worry over him, and that they enjoy the rest of their day together in the lovely city; after all, Allen would never want to cause his friends worry. As the two disappeared into the crowd, Lavi couldn't help but observe the way Allen clung to Kanda's sleeve, and the way Kanda let him.

"I guess even Yuu has a weakness for Allen... he just shows it a little differently," Lavi said, Lenalee nodded in agreement to the statement. She was horribly worried for Allen, and at the same time, on a more selfish level, rather jealous of Kanda for being the one to take care of him. On that selfish level she didn't think it was fair, that the cold, cruel Kanda who was nothing but mean to Allen would be the one to notice he was sick, to be the one Allen let take care of him, to be the one Allen hung onto. What had Kanda ever done that showed he was concerned for Allen? When did this sudden change happen? If Lenalee had to say, Kanda had been even colder to Allen since this mission started, and now he was helping the sick boy? Where's the logic? She gave an inaudible sigh, and decided that for Allen's sake, she'd try to enjoy the day; he would feel so guilty for ruining the outing if she didn't.

000

Kanda was confused. And for all who know Kanda, they know that for him, confused is synonymous with angry. Yes, as he walked through the crowded streets of Antwerp, Kanda's angry aura parted the people like the Red Sea. Kanda had found out a lot today, and all in a rather small time frame. For the sake of better understanding things, he started making a mental list of everything he knew about Allen, and everything he learned, as he walked through the city, paying minimal attention.

What he knew about Tyki Mikk and his relation to Allen was -

-Tyki was a Noah

-he had mentally scarred Allen

-he makes sexual advances towards Allen

-he's succeeded in the past

-often

-he had been using voodoo on Allen, which explained why as of late, Allen would randomly blush at meals, get startled over nothing, and occasionally run from a room without reason.

What he now knew about Allen-

-Allen was with the Noah for the majority of his life

-at one point he was a near-perfect killer

-he had a specific role to play for the Earl, which he apparently rejected

-said role was to infiltrate the Order under the guise of being an Exorcist, then systematically kill off exorcists until he was found out.

-Mana -a person Kanda had yet to find out the importance of- had been killed by the Earl

-Allen was to be brought back to the Earl because there was something special about him that he didn't want to admit to.

Kanda felt a little better now that he had some things sorted out in his mind. Still, something was confusing him more than the intake of knowledge had. That was why Allen was clutching his sleeve. It confused him to no end, before when he had simply put his hand on the boy's shoulder Allen nearly jumped out of his skins, but now Allen was clinging to him as though he were a scared, confused, and lost child, who was completely relying on Kanda to bring him back home. Was physical contact ok as long as Allen was the one initiating it? Was Allen just trying to show that he didn't mean anything by how frightened he looked that second Kanda had touched him? Or was Allen even more confused than Kanda, to the point where he wasn't really working right anymore? Whatever it was, Kanda decided not to interfere with how Allen was acting, he would rather not spoil whatever trust the smaller one had in him that allowed him to cling to Kanda.

Allen was tired, he was completely exhausted. He was tired from walking all day, of course, but he was tired mostly because his mind had been doing a series of twists and turns all day. He was tired because of all the work put into suppressing his emotions, like fear, wanting, anger. He was tired from shock, he hadn't expected Kanda to show up, and it hit him hard. He was tired from his dry sobbing. He was tired from guilt, he _had_ just learned that he was the cause of Mana's death. All in all, mental stress had worn him out. He was hardly seeing anything around him; it was all just a blur of mute colors to him. All that was clear to him was Kanda's back, as he walked behind the older boy.

Allen was jumpy too; every time someone brushed against him he had to stop himself from jumping. Still, not many people were close enough to touch him; Kanda was acting as some kind of barrier, parting the crowd and making a safe bubble in his wake where Allen could stay and not have to deal with the crowd. And of course Kanda's "get out of my way or die" aura was keeping people at a distance too. However, Allen's mind was too numb to realize that Kanda was indeed doing all of these things for his benefit.

When they reached the base, Kanda continued to let Allen hold onto his sleeve while he navigated the way to their rooms, since they were next to each other. Kanda went as far as to walk Allen into his room, where the boy plopped down face-first on his bed and pulled Kanda haphazardly to his bed, making the Japanese lose his balance for a minute, until he got both of his feet back on the ground, stopping next to Allen's bedside.

"Are you gonna let go now Moyashi?" Kanda asked, making his voice purposely sound annoyed, hoping that it would make up for the fact that he was being unbearably tolerant. Allen, very close to falling asleep already, shook his head no, and then dropped out of consciousness. He fell asleep so quickly after they got back that Kanda wondered if maybe Allen really was sick. But as much as he'd like to check the boy's temperature and get a doctor if Allen needed one, he couldn't. Well, at the moment the only one he couldn't actually do was get a doctor, Allen had Kanda's sleeve in a vice grip.

Still, he was strangely entranced by the sleeping boy, it was hard to look away, to move, to do anything but watch. Sleep is the only time a person can't fake anything; it's every human's one vulnerability. To fall asleep in front of another person is proof that you trust them enough to show them your weakness. And this wasn't the same chaotic sleep Allen had on the ship, this was a deep sleep of sheer exhaustion where Allen had no dreams. Kanda found it amazing how someone could look so innocent in their sleep, when in truth they were nothing of the sort.

'_Well who knows? The kid could be this innocent at heart... After all, he didn't choose his life, everything was chosen for him.'_

Kanda, not being able to bring himself to pull away from Allen, sat on the bed to the boy's side, careful not to move his arm in a way that might hurt, and careful not to pull out of Allen's grip the leathery material he held so tightly. A little annoyed with himself for showing such undeniable kindness, Kanda sighed and leaned back on the wall; Allen was so thin that he had more than enough room in the space between Kanda's back and where his head and shoulders leaned against the wall.

'_So what excuse will I give for this one....?'_

**Awe Kanda.... how sweet..... x3**

**Kanda: Sh-shut up.... this is all just you... I'd never do that.... **

**Suuuuuure. Well review if you so wish to!**


	34. Presumed Reactions

V**Well... it seemed that everyone really liked the OOC, sweet Kanda. Kanda really needs to just hug dear Allen like he wants to... don't hold back Kanda... **

**Allen: o.o...... no please... hold back....**

**Allen? Since when do you comment here?**

**Allen: since you decided to feed me to the wolves..... **

**Anyways.... Saya doesn't own Allen, or the 'wolves' Kanda and Tyki...... or anyone in DGM for that matter....**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** **This is gonna be a K chapter. **

34. Presumed Reactions

Allen slowly blinked his eyes open, his vision slightly blurry after a surprisingly good night's sleep. His now open eyes starred directly into one jade eye and a black patch, messily framed by bright red hair. Allen stared for a moment in a surprised horror; Lavi grinned, and got up off his position on the ground, where he had been sitting directly in from of Allen's face. Allen, still freaked and not fully comprehending the situation, yelled and jumped up, backing away from the side of his bed and closer to the wall, until his back was to it.

"I think he's up now guys!" Lavi chirped, grinning happily at his obvious statement.

"Yes... He's definitely awake now Lavi...**" **Lenalee agreed quietly, as though not wanting to point out the fact that Allen was now hyperventilating on the wall because of the shock he'd gotten from Lavi. Allen took the time he had to get his heart rate back to normal to slip into 'nice Allen' something he usually does while exercising in the mornings, something he probably wouldn't be doing with everyone in his room. Yes, everyone was there, Kanda sitting a little farther down his bed, looking very disgruntled; Allen had kicked him when jumping up.

"Great, you're up. Now could you let me the hell _go_!?" Allen blinked, slightly confused. Then he looked down to his hand, and sure enough, the entire night, he had not let go of Kanda. Allen could see why Kanda didn't try to break free either, Allen's innocence imbued hand had a strong grip on the cloth. Had Kanda tried to pull away, Allen probably would've ripped right through it. Allen let go and retracted his hand as quickly as he would've if it were in a fire. His hand was sore from clutching Kanda's sleeve through the night.

"I-I'm sorry..." Allen said, looking apologetically towards Kanda; he felt really bad, Kanda had helped him yesterday, and had been unusually tolerant of Allen's behavior, then Allen went and trapped him with his bear-trap of a grip, he doubted Kanda would've been comfortable enough with the situation to sleep. Kanda gave his usual 'tch' and got up, swiftly exiting the room. That hurt Allen a bit, he wanted to reach out and grab the boy's sleeve again, and ask him to stay, he really wanted Kanda to stay.

It's not as though he didn't want Lenalee and Lavi there also... just not to the extent he wanted Kanda to stay. Reason being: He trusted Kanda, completely and totally trusted the cold, cruel, enigmatic being that was Kanda Yuu. Once again, it was not as though he didn't trust the other exorcists, he just didn't trust them as much as he trusted Kanda. Kanda had seen quite the few sides of Allen, he's seen his false side, just like the others, he'd seen Allen's twisted self too; the one that liked to play mind games and cheat at poker. He'd seen Allen's anger and his weakness, and with his usual cutting words and cold scowls, had accepted them, letting Allen know in his own strange way that Allen was still Allen to him, he wouldn't betray his secrets, he wouldn't push him away when Allen really needed him, he would be there to help him, even if he covered it up with a million and 42 excuses later.

But what about the others? Lenalee and Lavi were different from Kanda, much, much different, he could count their similarities on one hand, they were all human, exorcists, and in Lenalee's case they were both Asian. Personality-wise they were all so different, could those two accept the real Allen and all his past doings so simply? After all, they actually _liked_ the false Allen, they had a bond with the false Allen, not to say the really Allen didn't like them too, but it was more of a detached caring; they were part of the world he needed to protect.

Lenalee would probably have the worse reaction of the two. Her world, her heart, and she herself was like a puzzle, everyone had their special place in her world, and her emotions towards each of those pieces made up her heart, after all, is a heart anything more than what is feels? Were she to find out that the Allen who was so important in her world (though he had no idea just how important he was to her), she would be confused, most likely, and upset, and probably feel a bit betrayed. Allen was like a puzzle piece that, though it had the right shape to fit into its place, belonged to a different puzzle, and its colors stood out grotesquely from her lovely picture.

Lavi, on the other hand, would have a lesser reaction, anything he felt he'd cover up with his strange grin. Lavi and Allen were similar in that way, he could tell that Lavi too had a secret 'inner self'. It was probably why they got along so well together from the start, their kindred souls called out and formed bonds of friendship based on their unspoken shared secret. Lavi, as a Bookman's apprentice, would most likely choose this as a perfect time to start getting serious about his duty, and record everything he found out about Allen's inner demons, his past, and anything else revealed to him about Allen. He'd pretend it didn't bother him, he'd pretend that Allen's lying was understandable, but in the end it would hurt, and he's loose faith in Allen.

All in all, neither of them would be able to look at his smile the same way again.

Allen didn't want that, he didn't want to make his comrades unhappy that way, but the fact that they wouldn't be able to handle it is what made Allen trust them a little less, he didn't trust them with his truths. They wouldn't be able to do what Kanda could, they wouldn't be able to acknowledge the fact that he was different from his presented self and still be the same around him, still feel the same way about him, still trust him. Maybe Kanda could do all those things because he had sensed from the beginning that Allen was not as he appeared? In a way, the fact that Kanda still didn't like him was relieving, mainly because his scorn had not deepened or changed at all after the revelation of the truth.... yes, Kanda's hate had never wavered or mutated into any other type of hate, and therefore it was comforting, reliable. What a strange thing to take comfort in...

There was a sudden loud rumble that went through the room; it was a hollow, gurgling sound. Lenalee and Lavi looked over to Allen, who blushed a pale pink as he looked down at his stomach, which had chosen that moment to alert all in the room (and no doubt the entire building) to the fact that Allen Walker was hungry.

"Should we go to breakfast, Moyashi-chan?" Lavi asked, with a lop-sided grin and a raised eyebrow. Allen nodded, and clambered off his bed, it was time for food... Food glorious food...

**Hehe...... this was a chapter of little dialogue and much explaining.... more internal affairs.... the explanation of Lenalee's world was inspired by that part in the manga Saya cant remember... but Lenalee said something along the lines of her friends being her world and what-not... And the explanation of what her heart is like was inspired by a question posed long ago, around chapter 16... where BlueFox-chan asked Saya what she thought everyone in DGM's hearts looked like.... If anyone would like to know Saya's opinion on that matter, feel free to ask for the answers she gave, which she has been working on ever since the question was asked.... **


	35. Love in War

**Heheh..... so the title for this chapter was taken from a song, 'love in war' by outkast.... god Saya loves that song.... all their songs are strangely funny.... You'll see why Saya used that title later..... COMEDY CHAPTER! well.... for the second half....**

**Saya doesn't own DGM, The love below, or anything.....**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** **This is gonna be a T chapter.**

35. Love in War

Kanda walked out of Allen's room, and a few steps later turned into his own. Looking back on it, he thought it would've been easier to just cut a whole in the wall, but was glad he didn't because then what would be the point of leaving the room?

Closing the door, he sighed and leaned against it, he was not happy with himself. He had expected to simply stay awake the night before, and glare at the wall in front of him, leaning over the Moyashi and sleeping upright wasn't the most comfortable way to sleep, and he would rather do many unpleasant things rather than sleep in Allen's room. Unfortunately for him, that's exactly what he did. He had woken up in the same manner Allen did, flipping out on Lavi for staring at him. Yes, he had been caught in the act of sleeping peacefully besides Allen Walker, of all the world's people.

Besides the fact that doing that while Allen was still holding his arm was rather out of character, it was also an incredibly stupid move on his part. Now that he thought about it just a bit, he had just found out that it was Allen job to kill off exorcists, and while it would seem obvious to any onlooker that the younger definitely didn't plan on following through with that scheme, one could never be too sure. After all, Allen had a great poker face; one could never tell what he was really thinking.

Maybe Allen was more of a master mind than anyone was giving him credit for. Maybe he was faking it, pretending to be going against the Earl, pretending so well that even the Noah couldn't tell? That would be the best way for him to gain anyone in the Order's trust if his past were to be revealed, they'd see him fighting to get away from the Noah, they'd see the Noah having to force him to leave with them, and they'd think that because of the tension between the two groups, that there was no way Allen was on their side any more. Maybe Allen was more of a fake than even Kanda could realize.

Kanda got off the door and started changing into a new set of clothes for the day, staring in the direction of the night stand out of habit. In his room there was a beautiful lotus, imprisoned in an hourglass that sat on his bedside, one he couldn't help but stare at any time he was in his room. It was an eerily beautiful thing, and it was his life.

'_Tch... you're being ridiculous. This isn't some science fiction story, there's no way the Moyashi could think like that.... besides, there are some things you just can't fake.' _

Yes, Allen couldn't fake the fear that Kanda had seen when he saved him from that god-awful alley. No matter how good an actor one was, no one could imitate the fear that made Allen cling to him all night in fear of being alone, without someone to save him. But then again, just because Allen was afraid of one Noah, didn't mean he was afraid of them all, it didn't mean he hated them all. The Noah were a group, but they are each individuals, and as such Allen must've had different opinions of each.

'_Stop now, you're over-thinking this completely...'_

The one thing Allen couldn't fake was how he was when he slept. The boy had looked completely innocent with his eyes closed and his face relaxed. In the end, the boy really was an innocent at heart, but he just wasn't as naive as most would like to think. All doubts about Allen's intentions could be wiped clean at the thought of his nearly angelic sleeping face. It was plain to see that the boy wouldn't hurt anyone if he could help it.

Still, Kanda was Kanda so he would always be a little suspicious.

He shook his head, finishing with the final buttons of his clean, white shirt. Then a loud grumble came from the other room; he heard it clearly, more clearly than he'd ever heard anything through that wall.

'_Looks like it's time for breakfast…'_

He shrugged on his uniform's coat, and left the room a little later.

000

Allen didn't know if he should be relieved or scared that Kanda had decided to come to breakfast. On the one side, he was glad that Kanda wasn't so angry as to not eat, but on the other side, he was definitely angry, Allen wasn't sure he could stand the glares he was receiving for long. Kanda had decided that his insane and jumbled thoughts were all Moyashi's fault, and therefore he would have to deal with Kanda's glare. Allen was not the only one to notice the glare either, Kanda was being rather conspicuous.

"Kanda, you shouldn't be so angry so early in the morning...." Lenalee said, a little uneasy because of the dark mood Kanda had brought to the dining hall. Lavi, being Lavi, felt that it was time for him to lift the mood, because it was only expected of him to do something of the sort.

"Yeah Yuu-chan! Stop glaring at Moyashi-chan! You were the one who offered to take care of him! Just admit the kid's growin' on ya! Make love, not war."

Kanda choked on his soba, Lenalee's jaw dropped, and Allen spit out a mouth-full of food at the statement, conveniently missing Lavi's face. Ok, Lavi dodged. A second later Mugen was at Lavi's throat and Lenalee's heal was dropping onto his head; he wanted Kanda to make _what_ with the Allen now?

Allen just sat staring and blushing. Being the chaste saint he was pretending to be, outer Allen decided that violence against friends was wrong, and that he'd get more than enough of it out of Kanda and Lenalee. Which confused him a bit, why was Lenalee so angry? He could see Kanda being angry, and he could see why he was embarrassed and angry, but why Lenalee? He couldn't see how jealous the girl got though, or how possessive she would like to be if only she had the proper justification to be. He couldn't even tell that she liked him for goodness sake! Instead, he decided that she must be angry because Lavi said something potentially vulgar about her two friends. But if only Allen could see the raging green monster that lurked beyond her 'friendship' facade, clashing brilliantly with her lovely violet eyes.

000

The young mistress Rhode padded through the Noah mansion with stocking feet, and a Lero that she had personally quieted. Silence is golden but duck tape is silver. She was on a mission; her mission was to find her beloved Uncle Tyki, whom she had not seen in days. She moved to his door, opening it just wide enough to clearly see through with one eye. There, lying on his rather neat bed, way the person she'd been looking for. Most would think he was sleeping and leave the man be, but no, not Rhode. She recognized this as him sulking. Tyki Mikk was depressed, imagine that! She decided to hop into the room, dragging Lero in with her.

"What's wrong with you Tyki?" She asked, poking his shoulder. The older man sat up and sighed.

"Ah... our little playmate truly does not want to return to us... he even has a little guard now..."

Rhode didn't want to say that it was probably Tyki's strange obsession with Allen that made the boy want to flea.

"A little guard? Do you mean that black haired boy? I saw him too! He was protecting Allen when I tried to steal him away too! I would've been able to bring him back if it weren't for that meddling kid! We didn't count on Allen making any friends that would stay by him even when they knew his past..."

"It was definitely not expected... especially since last I saw the two together on that ship, they both seemed to hate each other quite vehemently. But then that was what, 3 or 4 months ago? I lost my little doll too... truly depressing..."

"You should be more careful!" Tyki hung his head at being scolded by someone who looked to be half his age. Truly depressing indeed.

000

As the group walked towards their destination for the day, where they would once again kill a few hundred idiot Akuma, Kanda and Allen lagged behind, Kanda still glaring at Allen. He figured that if anything he should at least express his suspicion, he wasn't one to keep things hidden, after all. Allen just wanted to know why Kanda was still glaring at him, and what he could do to make the irate boy stop.

"Moyashi."

"Yes Kanda?"

"You do know that if anyone dies inside Order walls that I will automatically suspect you did it, right?"

"If people were getting killed inside Headquarters, I'd say you'd have every reason to,"Allen said, looking to the ground gravely, he didn't plan to hurt anyone in the Order, but if push came to shove and he did, he'd want someone to stop him from continuing.

**Hehe..... Make love not war Kanda.... Allen you too... they're all such perverts for thinking of that first... sorry..... it was just that song fits them well.... Geez Saya's going weird..... wasn't she always? Tyki's depressed 'cause he left That ribbon and the doll in the alley.... bad Tyki, no littering. Rhode's stealing lines from Scooby-Doo too... Ok, Saya's done babbling..... please continue with your lives and review if you'd like..... **


	36. A Flash of Silver and Two Dull Blue Eyes

**Well.... sorry for the late update.... Saya was working on a new amv (she's obsessed now that she can use video clips) and she was also indulging herself in LaviKan fics.... God they're such a horneh couple.... squee..... and sorry Lavi ... Saya doesn't mean anything by that (inside joke gone wrong) Ok, ok.... no more excuses.... TO THE STORY..... **

**Saya only owns DGM to the point of owning the books and cosplay.....she wants a Kanda plushie x3**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** **This is gonna be a T chapter for a flashback of dooooom**

36.

Allen was more cautious than usual for the time following the incident in Antwerp, there was at least one Noah in the area, he couldn't be sure that one wouldn't decide to show up in the middle of the group's latest Akuma extermination. Were that to happen, the group would probably get distracted from the akuma, which would probably attack while they had an opening. Of course, the fact that the Noah could control the akuma would mean that the confusion factor that the exorcists relied so heavily upon would be gone. Allen would much rather just slip away from his friends in the middle of the chaos and take care of whatever Noah came their way himself.

This fact did not escape the watchful eyes of Kanda Yuu, who was indeed watching the boy like a hawk. And of course, Allen (along with everyone else) noticed that, which was quite embarrassing for the younger boy. But more than that, it hurt. Allen realized that it was stupid to think that Kanda would trust him; he never had in the first place, and now everywhere they go Kanda was given more reason not to. And while it was true that Kanda had accepted this real Allen with secrets that could eventually lead to the victory or ruin of the Order itself, that didn't mean that he trusted Allen at all, and that hurt, though he didn't know why.

Lavi and Lenalee, on the other hand, thought of the matter in a completely different way, seeing as they were outsiders with no idea what was going on. Lenalee wanted to glare at Kanda for watching Allen so openly when she couldn't bring herself to do the same, what gave Kanda any right to make Allen feel uncomfortable?! She was also a bit jealous, because the two of them suddenly seemed closer, or like there was some bond that wasn't there before. She couldn't name that bond though, because that bond was the secret of Allen's past, which of course she didn't know about. But regardless, she didn't want them to share that bond; she wanted to share that bond with Allen herself more than anything.

Lavi found the entire thing hilarious fun; he liked picking on Kanda, because it made him angry, and Kanda's the most fun when he's angry. Allen was fun to mess with too, because he got embarrassed so easily, which made him cute. He especially liked saying things along the lines of "Don't just watch your love from afar Yuu-chan, take 'im!" The astute Bookman apprentice also saw with his all-seeing eye, Lenalee's feelings, they were hopelessly transparent to him. After all, there would be no reason for her to get so mad over his comments if she were simply upset about him saying improper things. It was a miracle in itself that Allen hadn't noticed her affections. Lavi figured Kanda probably knew and didn't care, or he didn't have a clue, but had no objection to letting her beat him to a pulp, regardless of her reason.

So, in the end, two were open with their feelings, and two remained silent. Of course, Lavi was never known to keep his more humorous opinions to himself, and Kanda was never one to give up a chance to tell or show someone how much he disliked or distrusted them. So the parted quartet made their way back to the Finder's base after another days work.

"Man... are we seriously gonna be stuck doing this for six years?! We've been here for months! Someone needs to call Komui and find out what's goin' on!" Lavi declared, throwing his hands up. When things got boring, he got annoyed, because when there wasn't something fun going on to cloud up his mind, he was left to think and reflect on things he'd rather just push to the darkest corners of his mind.

"Well on the plus side we're ahead of schedule. I mean we stared off with the goal of 100 a day but somewhere along the line that doubled, and we've been here about 2 ½ months now... We should've only destroyed about 8000 Akuma at this point but I think we're around 11000," Lenalee said, doing all the mental math on the spot, her arm lifted in front of her lowly, her fingers absently jabbing at air as though they were pressing the buttons of a calculator as she looked up, thinking.

'_11 thousand Akuma... 11 thousands souls free... 11 thousand things we've killed. We call it destruction, we say they aren't living, we say that makes what we do different from murder and it is... it's mercy killing in all truths, and killing and murder are two separate things... but it doesn't change the fact that we're killing.... it's too confusing to think about.' _

The concept always had disturbed him a bit, not so much the killing part, he knew that was necessary, he knew that they were better off gone. What confused him was the mislabeling; an exorcist should know exactly what they are doing. Their work was by no means pretty; it always ended in chaos, expensive damages and surreal amounts of debris and blood. If an exorcist could handle that, handle_ causing_ that, they why couldn't they simply call the act 'killing'? Was the word so unsightly even compared to the aftermath of their battles that they could not bring themselves to accept that's what they were doing? It seemed almost stupid to Allen, but he could understand it none the less, no one wanted to feel guilty about killing something, not even an Akuma.

000

Kanda woke with a start from his rough sleep, and covered his stricken face with his hand. He was panting slightly, and was in a cold sweat. Kanda wasn't one to have nightmares, he was always sure to work himself so hard that by the end of the day he'd be too exhausted to dream. His nights were pure black abysses where he could forget everything. But tonight was different, tonight he had a horrid nightmare. Well, not so much a nightmare as a memory, and seeing as it made him react the way it did, it was obviously a memory better left forgotten.

_.:Kanda age 10:._

_He was scared, alone and scared. Well, not really alone, not if you count corpses. The young Japanese was huddled in a dark corner, watching in frozen horror as those around him were slaughtered, though there weren't many to begin with, and there were hardly any left at all now. Kanda had no clue what to do, he'd been taught basic kenjutsu, but he'd never been in a situation where he would have to use it. He never knew death was so frightening. The mists that covered the grounds of the Kanda estate seemed to be tinged red with the blood of the dead. He wanted to know who was doing this, why it was happening. Why was his family, noble protectors of their village and country, being attacked so ruthlessly? _

_The screaming died down as the last person on the grounds was killed and slowly, a small, blurred figure next to a rather large one emerged from the chaos. Kanda pulled his legs in closer to himself, everyone he knew and loved was dead, he wanted nothing more than to die, but at the same time, he was afraid, he was too afraid to die, not here, not now. Besides, he would need to stay alive; he would need to avenge his family. Still, as the figure got closer, it didn't seem like he would get that chance, he had no weapon, and no way to protect himself._

"_Well, well, look what we have here," came an overly-cheery voice, Kanda figured since it was rather deep that it must belong to the larger of the two figures, the smaller one was too small to be much older than himself. Yet, it was the smaller one that was covered in blood. Kanda wiped the tears that he hadn't realized were there away, to get a better view of the two intruders; the fog made a clear view of them impossible though. _

_The smaller one didn't answer to the larger._

"_He will probably be useless to this country now. Should we kill him anyways?"_

_Once again there was no reply from the small figure, but Kanda could discern a small amount of movement, though he couldn't tell if the small one was nodding or shaking its head. _

"_I think we should just to be sure." _

_With those words the smaller one was suddenly much closer to Kanda, hand raised, the raven-haired boy could see that on each finger there was something long and sharp; they were huge claws. The small hand came down on Kanda, plunging through his stomach. The last thing Kanda saw before he lost consciousness was a flash of silver, blood flying from his wound, and two dull, blue eyes._

"_I'm sorry," said the young one, before death began to move in on Kanda._

.:Present:.

That day Kanda should've died, but his curse wouldn't allow him to, not so early on. Shortly after that, Kanda had been found among the bodies, still alive, and nearly woundless, by Tiedoll; one of the innocence that he'd been carrying had reacted to its accommodator. Kanda had been brought to the Order's main branch a few years later, after some intensive training in the art of swordsmanship, for he had chosen to have his Father's katana used as his innocence's weapon form.

'_I had forgotten that ... I'd forgotten the colors, the scents, the sounds... I had forgotten.... why come back now?'_

Kanda had remembered the massacre, but had chosen not to remember details for the sake of his sanity, all he needed to know was that it happened, and that was enough to move him to action. He knew now that the larger of the two had been the Earl, but it was his mission in life to find the smaller of the two, the one who had killed everyone.

"Kanda, are you alright over there? For once it's you keeping me up,"Allen said through the thin wall. Kanda froze.

'_A Flash of silver and two dull, blue eyes...'_

**Ohohoooo..... what do we have here? What is Saya thinking!? **

**Ok, ok... crazy aside... this is the start of the more Kanda centered part of the story, first we know Allen's troubles, and now we will find out about Kanda's, and how the two go together so nicely. Saya decided that 10 was a good age for Kanda to be found as an accommodator because in the manga when Lavi's having that flashback he looks about 11-12, and Kanda isn't in them, just Lenalee, so Saya figures that Lavi got there before Kanda. And Saya has no clue about Kanda's real past, seeing as it has not been revealed... so this is all made up. If it ever get's revealed in the future, just know that this was written in ignorance. ** **Wow, at 1724 words excluding a/n this is a long chapter! **

**oh, and to add to this absurdly long a/n.... note! about the killing vs. murder thing, the words 'murder' and 'kill' are two different words in the Hebrew old testament, because killing in war isn't sin, but plain murder is. Yay for learning stuff in church!**


	37. Spider

**Oho.... Kanda's so angsty.... Saya just loves it...... She absolutely loves it, it's so cute and sexy all at once... ok, Saya's done talkin' about her sexy gay boy now.... geez she's going crazy.....**

**Saya no longer owns even her sanity..... **

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** ** Rated T for an angsting Kanda with murderous intent.....**

37. Spider

_A Flash of silver and two dull, blue eyes...._

Kanda's hands fisted the sheets of his bed, but he could still feel his nails through the material as they pressed into his palms painfully. He was shaking with anger.

'_Right there... He's right there. If I wanted I could kill him now... that's exactly what I want.'_

He was all but blinded by anger, he couldn't believe it. Allen had been someone who, though he indeed hated from the start, had worked with him, he had fought beside the person who killed everyone and tried to kill him. Had the Earl and Allen come even a day sooner for him, Kanda would've died when that small, but far too strong hand plunged through his stomach. But they were a day late, and therefore his family's annihilation was incomplete.

The Kanda family had a curse that went generations back, all the way to the Muromachi period of Feudal Japan. It started when his ancestor double-crossed a powerful miko, and though what he did was never written down in the family's history, it was something horrible. She cursed him, and all his generations, everyone of their family would die in horrible ways, and all would die young. The man didn't take her curse seriously, as he wasn't exactly young himself, but he paid for that when his youngest son and wife were butchered. The family was large though, even back then, but there was a steady decline in their numbers as they started dying one by one in gruesome ways.

Finally, a few generations later, his great-grandson went to another miko for help. She sealed the curse with a tattoo over his heart. She then told him that he would be a sacrifice to the curse, and that every generation would need one sacrifice, so that the rest of them could live normally. The great-grandson wanted to know how much time he had left, so she gave him a lotus, entombed in an hourglass, and told him that when it died, so would he. The seal gave him extreme powers of healing though, derived from the life force that was given to him when the curse was sealed. Ever since then, every generation of the Kanda family went to that priestess and when she died, to her apprentices and latter generations to give a sacrifice to. After that, the Kanda family, all great samurai, spread over the country and protected it from outside forces, some of them being accommodators but never realizing it, so they kept akuma away, too, which is why the Earl targeted their family.

Kanda Yuu had been ten when he was chosen, the sacrifice was always someone in the main house, his father had been it before him, and had died recently. Still, at ten he knew the legend but nothing of the real horror of it. The sacrifice was always treated with utmost respect, and was absolutely loved in the family. Kanda was the oldest child of the Main house, he had a younger brother. He was glad to take this curse if it meant his little brother, who he was very close to, wouldn't have to take it.

That day, early morning, Kanda's brother gave him a prayer bracelet for good luck, and his mother brought him to the miko's shrine, where he was given to the curse. He had been in pain for hours, but when it was over, he felt strangely powerful. He went back down to the grand complex that was the Main house, and there was a celebration. He and his brother had played in the cherry blossom orchids, it was a strangely cool day, and the day before had been very hot and humid, there was fog everywhere. When he came back to the actual celebration, people were running around trying to escape something, and Kanda saw as they were all killed.

'_Dammit.... dammit! All this time I've been fight along side my family's murderer, and I actually .... I actually protected this ... dammit! That's just sick! And how? How on earth did he not remember!? What he killed my entire family and couldn't be bothered to remember our name!? Were they all just one in a million or something? _ _Or did he somehow think I wouldn't remember?!' _

As he ranted in his mind, the part of his brain that yelled for vengeance kept saying _'He's just on the other side of this wall, you could kill him right now, just break through and kill him.'_ He could do it too, Kanda could kill him right now, and he wouldn't even get in trouble for it. All he would have to do is kill Allen then spill everything he knew about the boy to the higher ups; he would probably be commended for taking out one of the Earl's old men and mole. Of course, that would involve Kanda adding a few things to the story, he would have to make it seem like he thought Allen had really broken away from the Earl, then make it seem like Allen betrayed him and tried to kill him, giving him reason to kill Allen in self-defense, and of course because he revealed his true intent as a spy. Either way, Kanda could get away with the murder pretty easily.

And yet, Kanda was not so benevolent as to award Allen a quick death. No, he wanted to make Allen suffer as he had for years of his life. But what would make Allen suffer? He looked over his room, as though some inspiration would come from the near-empty space. Actually, it did. There was a rather large spider in the corner of his room, and it would seem the thing had caught dinner. Kanda remembered something Lavi had told him once, when they had been much younger and Lenalee had come screaming to them to kill a spider in her room. How that girl could be so afraid of a spider when she could kill an akuma without batting an eyelash was beyond him.

"_Hey Yuu-chan. Did you know that spiders don't immediately eat their prey?"_

"_Why should I care?"_

"_It's really interesting how they do actually. They use poison that eventually paralyzes their pray, and it works very slowly. Then they let out these digestive liquids that turn it into pulp, and then they eat it very slowly. It's completely disgusting, but at the same time fascinating, huh?"_

"_That's sick, and I'll never need to know that."_

"_It's get sicker. Imagine, what if their prey didn't die from the poison? What if they were still alive and could feel it as they were being turned to liquid? What if they could sense themselves being eaten? What do you think would happen to them?"_

Well surprise, surprise, something Lavi had said was going to help him kill Allen, who would've thought? Kanda was too busy sitting in the glory of a new-found plan to imagine what his friends would think, what they would do when they found that Allen was dead, and was one of the Earl's men, he wasn't thinking about that at all.

'_Well I know what would happen to them now... Something like that would make them go insane.'_

So it was set in his mind, he would get Allen to trust him, well, more than the boy did already, and maybe come to depend on him. And then, when Kanda simply couldn't take it anymore, he would turn on him and kill him, slowly, make him beg for death almost.

He was the spider, and Allen didn't even realize how close he was to his web.

**Holy shiznatz..... Kanda's gone off the deep end. Jk... well Saya must be honest... the whole spider idea came from reading a Death Note doujin 'Lent'. It seemed to work very well with this part of the story, and as it is not was not her idea originally, she has to give credit to the Author of Lent, and the scanlators at mochimochi. Well.... that's all folks... geez Kanda's gone crazy though.... **It** was fun to make up his past though, Saya likes how it kinda came out like a legend...**


	38. Two faced

**Erg... what the heck? Saya gets a legal internet connection and it's almost as crappy as the illegal one. And what's worse is when the internet goes out so does the on demand and the phone! tch..... so that's why this chapter's a bit late... because someone's interweb connection had be difficult....**

**Saya doesn't own anything... she's registered with the wanderer's guild.... a nomad with a billion words (and a computer... with a crappy connection)**

**rated M over all for voodoo, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** ** This chapter rated...**

38. Two-faced

Another day of work had passed, just the same as every other day that had passed for nearly four months now. Allen looked around at his comrades, all tired from a day of akuma-killing. His eyes lingered on Kanda, and he sighed. Ever since that night that Kanda had kept him up, he'd been different. Allen had always considered Kanda a very honest person, he was honest with his disdain, and honest with his anger, honest with his beliefs, honest with his thoughts. He always told people straight out what he was thinking; you always knew where you stood with Kanda Yuu. It was something that Allen once admired, but now there was something wrong. Kanda was hiding something, and he was doing a poor job of it in Allen's opinion. It seemed as though Kanda were constantly angry with him, but was trying to stop himself from showing it.

Allen couldn't think of what he had done out of the ordinary as of late, and he couldn't think of any reason why Kanda would suddenly hate him so much. Of course, if Allen had some memory of what he had done, then he wouldn't have this problem. But he didn't, he forced himself to forget the people he killed, he forced their images out of his mind, their deaths out of his thoughts. In a sense, Allen had forced himself into an amnesia of sorts, forgetting, or more accurately, suppressing all his memories of the things he had done. He would always remember that he did do wrong though, and he would always remember Mana, and he'd always remember the Earl. Still, forgetting names, faces, and the number of people he killed helped him retain his sanity just a bit.

Ever since Allen noticed Kanda's change, he started noticing everyone; he noticed how everyone seemed to have a second face beyond the one he could see. He first noticed Kanda's way of hiding things, he realized that all his aggression was another way to hide things from the world, it hid his weakness, and it kept people from getting close enough to hurt him. Allen had known Lavi's way of hiding from the beginning, because it was the same as his own, they both smiled like nothing was wrong and laughed like they knew no pain. But they did, it was made all the more obvious by the contrast between their happy smiles and the destruction around them.

If anything had shocked Allen to realize, it was realizing that even Lenalee was hiding a second self beyond the one he knew. What she hid was hard for him to understand though, and Allen chalked that up to Lenalee being a girl, and he as a boy had no right to even try to understand the female mind. Still, if there was one thing he understood, it was that what she hid wasn't exactly a bad thing, unlike the others. He'd heard of her past, and knew she had dealt with her pain on her own, she was better now. Whatever she was hiding was something inspired by her kindness. Allen respected that, and didn't try to figure it out.

'_He doesn't even realize it half the time, but Kanda's having an affect on me...'_

Ever since that mission on the ship Allen found himself wanting to open up to others just a bit more, maybe because as afraid as he had been of doing that, the aftereffect was worth it completely-- A little less of a burden on his shoulders. Maybe it was selfish to want someone else to help him, but then he did a lot of selfish things, human is human. His selfishness was only downplayed by the fact that Kanda hadn't made a big deal out of it, well at least not after he got the information he wanted. He never made it seem as though knowing something about Allen and keeping his secrets troubled him. But that's what made Allen so worried now. Maybe Kanda had finally realized just what Allen's past meant he'd done, maybe Kanda was criticizing himself for ever helping Allen? Allen didn't know just how close to the mark he was.

Allen was worried, so later that day when they were safely in their rooms, separated by a wall, he decided to ask.

"Kanda is there something wrong? You seem different lately."

Kanda didn't reply at first, he was busy thinking. The older of the two suddenly found it very difficult to maintain the cold, unfeeling exterior he usually wore, it was slipping. He couldn't let it slip away, he couldn't let his absolute malice slip through, not even a little bit. And if he couldn't cover it up the way he usually did, then he would have to disguise it as something completely different. If he wanted to take things slowly he'd need to calm down and make it seem as if nothing had changed for the worst for Allen.

"Tch like any part of this boring routine could trouble me."

The boy on the other side of the wall wasn't convinced, ever since he'd realized how many people had second faces, he was too curious to resist finding out about them. And of course, he felt a bit indebted to Kanda, he had taken some of his burden, but Allen hadn't done anything for him. He wanted to try to help the cold exorcist, even if it only was by a little.

"You're lying, it's rather obvious that something's wrong, and if it's your problem that's so obvious, it's gotta be troubling you a lot."

"'Doesn't everyone lie?' That's what you said to me a while back. Are you so surprised to find that I'm part of that 'everyone'?"

"Yeah but you still got what you wanted to hear out of me, so it's only fair that I hear something now."

"There's nothing wrong with me, just go to sleep Allen."

Allen was completely dumbstruck, Kanda had actually said his name, without adding a swear to it, and without acting like the word was poison. The next thing Kanda knew, Allen was in his room with his hand to his forehead.

"What.... the _HELL_ are you doing?"

"Hm... I can't really tell if you have a fever... It is a bit stuffy and hot in this room..."

Allen wasn't listening at all to anything around him, trying to identify whatever it was that was wrong with Kanda.

'_Well if he's sick then that would make sense as to why he's so angry lately, he'd hate himself for getting sick because it would make him a little weaker...' _

"If you're sick you should just say something, that way someone could get a doctor, and you could get better... and maybe take a break for a day or two."

"I AM NOT SICK NOW GET YOUR HAND OFF MY FOREHEAD."

Just then Kanda sneezed, in his opinion it was the worst coincidence to ever happen ever in the history of his life. Now Allen would definitely think we was sick, which he most definitely _wasn't_, and he'd never be able to get the kid to leave him alone.

"See, you're sick."

"Che... it was nothing, give me a three-digit number."

"345, and you can't really think someone's talking about you. Come on, are you really that superstitious? Just admit you're a little sick and get over it," Allen said, pouting at Kanda's stubbornness and putting his hands on his hips. Kanda scowled.

"L... someone who's name begins with L is talking about me... I'd bet any money it's the baka usagi..."

"You know Lenalee's name begins with an L too."

"Yeah but if anything he's talking to her so it's probably both of them..."

Allen scowled himself now, and hit Kanda upside the head. Kanda made a face very similar to the one he'd made the day Allen had come to the Order, when Lenalee had hit him with a clipboard. Allen stifled his laughter, which did not cease even when Kanda's expression turned to a glare.

"You're definitely sick. If you weren't you would've caught my hand before I could touch you. I'll go get some cold medicine or something."

Kanda growled, he did not like this at all. No matter what he said Allen was going to think he was sick. He probably was too, with the way he'd been neglecting to sleep, not to mention that he'd been working himself twice as hard as usual, he didn't want to let another memory slip into his consciousness. Still, Kanda would never admit he was sick even if he was on his deathbed. And he'd rather anyone, even the obnoxious Lavi, take care of him rather than Allen. He'd rather not be taken care of at all. He was more than capable of getting cold medicine for himself. And even though the possibility was there, he would refuse to believe he had a cold or anything. It was just Lavi talking about him and his room being too hot. He was acting weird because he was restraining himself from killing Allen, who was now going to get him cold medicine for a cold he didn't have. Che.

'_That kid is begging to get killed. He'd just begging.'_

Meanwhile Allen walked down the halls, going to where he knew the infirmary was. As he did, he sneezed.

'_Hm.... maybe Kanda's contagious? Because there's no way someone is really talking about us both...'_

000

"So how much do you wanna bet that by the end of the month Kanda will actually start calling Allen by name?" Lavi asked Lenalee. They had been discussing the overall change Kanda and Allen had gone under since they had returned from the states. So far Lavi was thinking everything Kanda said and did was pointing to him awkwardly showing some kind of feeling of affection, while Lenalee thought Kanda wasn't changing at all.

"I really doubt that, he seems attached to his nickname for Allen."

"Oooh so do you think they'll be more serious by the end of the month?"

"NO!" Lenalee put a hand over her mouth, she hadn't meant to yell, but the idea of Kanda getting closer to Allen at all was infuriating her, and she refused to think that they could get together. Lavi had realized Lenalee's crush a while ago, but now he decided to ask about it.

"Lenalee... is the reason you don't like the idea of them getting closer the way they did because you're... jealous?"

Lenalee did not respond.

"You know I'm just joking right? I don't really think either of them are... those two are at each other's throats all the time! Like they could ever be! Besides, Yuu-chan's got a permanent stick up his ass, there's no way. Don't worry about it Lenalee."

She glowered for a minute, not liking how he seemed to be making excuses just to make her feel better. He smiled at her, hoping she wouldn't kill him or be angry. She sighed, it was impossible to stay mad at the bunny-boy.

"I am not jealous of Kanda of all people, and I know you're just joking, I wouldn't take you seriously on that."

"So then when do you think he'll start calling Allen by name?"

Lenalee sighed, Lavi was so stubborn.

**Note's and stuff Saya wants to point out for the hell of it! **

**1.-"Doesn't everyone lie?"- that was from chapter 13.**

**'t you just see Allen being so worried over Kanda saying his name that he'd rush into the lion's den just to see if he was sick? And then Allen put his hands on his hips and pouted... so motherly... xD**

**3. as we all know, the superstition goes 'if you sneeze someone's talkin' about you' and some of you who read **_**Opposites**_** know that by adding up the digits in a three digit number and then counting down the alphabet, you find the first initial of whoever is talking about you. So that's it! Fun stuff in this chapter. The last part about Allen sneezing and Lenalee and Lavi talking was something Saya just added on the end for the hell of it.**


	39. Spooning

V**Yeah.... this is getting hard to write...Saya knows where she wants to end up but now she had to find out how to get there..... gr.... SHE'LL DO IT! SHE WILL GET THIS FIC TO WHERE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! Which is a pile of total **_**ANGST**_**. Seriously.... if you knew what she was planning... well it's angsty.... duh. anygay..... TO THE CHAPPY.**

**Saya no owns.... dear god if she owned DGM..... the world would have every right to end.**

**rated M over all for molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** **This chapter rated... T... for good measure....**

39. Spooning

Kanda waited, very annoyed, for Allen to return to his room with whatever vile medicine he was going to shove down the 'sick' Kanda's throat. Kanda had decided that it would be best to go along with the sick theory though, because it gave him an excuse to act as strangely as he had been lately. As long as there was an obvious reason for it, Allen wouldn't pry or look for some other trigger to his strange behavior.

Oh how annoying it was to keep up pretenses though. Kanda was in the middle of hating Allen, he was slowly plotting the kid's demise, and the Moyashi actually had the gall to try and take care of him!? No, Kanda did not factor in the fact that Allen didn't know about anything more than the hating, but then everyone knew Kanda hated them.

Allen walked back into the room, just a bit too happy for Kanda's liking. He carried with him a dark brownish glass bottle that Kanda could guess was cold medicine, of all the types of medicine he could've gotten for the completely_ not-sick_ Kanda, he had to get the worse kind, that disgusting syrup type that leaves a bad taste in the back of your mouth and makes you feel dizzy, tired, and thoroughly stoned if you take just a tad too much. If Kanda didn't know better, he'd say Allen chose cold syrup for that very reason. Wait, Kanda did know better, and the slight mischief that shone in Allen's eyes was enough to tell Kanda that Allen was going to enjoy forcing him to drink that shit.

Allen looked at the instructions on the bottle and poured out the appropriate amount of the too-sweet smelling medicine. As he moved with it towards Kanda, who was still situated on his bed, Kanda backed away, glaring daggers at the oblivious boy. Well, he wasn't oblivious to the glaring at all, he found it funny but tried to keep his laughs at bay.

"Open wide Ka–nda..."

"... You are such a bastard Moyashi..."

"How can a Moyashi be a bastard? Last I checked bean sprouts don't have to jump the sack to produce offspring."

Kanda gaped, not expecting that from Allen, who had a somewhat evil grin on his face. Allen took advantage of that to swoop down and shove the teaspoon of syrup into the older exorcist's mouth. Kanda was stunned into immobility by the god-awful taste for a minute, before he swallowed it to get the medicine out of his mouth. Allen, now sitting on the side of Kanda's bed, smiled proudly at his achievement, then refilled the teaspoon. Kanda backed away until he hit the wall.

"No. I do NOT need more. I didn't need the first spoonful!"

"Yes you do, I'm assuming you weight over 100 pounds here, so you need at least two teaspoons of medicine."

"You'll have to kill me first."

"Then what's the point?"

"There will be no point and I won't have to suffer that again. Now get away."

'_If he didn't want me to force him to take his medicine then he shouldn't have backed into a corner...'_

Allen's smile still had that evil spark in it as he moved on his knees over to Kanda, who continued to back up against the wall, even though there was nowhere to. When he finally had Kanda trapped to the point of zero chance of escape, he put the cap back on the bottle and tried to put the spoon in Kanda's mouth. Kanda kept his lips sealed tight, and Allen didn't want to risk spilling the spoon's contents, so he didn't try to force it. Instead he went with trying to surprise Kanda into opening up.

"Oh just be happy I didn't bring back a suppository!" he said, as though he were exasperated with a small child. Kanda gapped yet again, a what now?!

"You wouldn-" and the spoon was in, Allen 2, Kanda 0. Allen kept the spoon in until Kanda swallowed, and grinned triumphantly when he did.

"No, I wouldn't. Besides they didn't have any."

Kanda looked down, and put a hand over his face as he shook in anger. But then he noticed something, and that was how ridiculously close to him Allen was. Yes, they were very close indeed, Kanda was sitting on his legs, the souls of his feet and his back were to the wall behind him, and Allen had his legs on either side of Kanda's, still standing on his knees, so they were on eye level with each other. In Kanda's experience, the kid didn't exactly enjoy being so close to other people, so this was quite out of phase for Allen. Kanda sighed, a bit confused by Allen's behavior, it was almost as weird as his own.

"I'll never understand you Moyashi."

Allen noticed the proximity of their persons when Kanda's breath hit him. A chill ran up him when he realized what he was doing, and it his sudden frantic panic, tried to back up so quickly that he fell right off the bed.

"Ow..."

"That's what you get for saying nasty things and forcing nasty crap down people's throats."

"W-what did I-"

"You all but threatened me with _suppositories_."

"..."

Allen 2, Kanda 1.

"W-well now that you're all set for a good 4 to 6 hours... I'll be on my way. Good night Kanda," Allen said, giving Kanda an awkward smile. Kanda scowled in response, just as Allen had expected him to; Kanda never had a good reaction to kind gestures, and he was probably still pissed at having medicine shoved down his throat. But as Allen entered his own room, he had worries of his own, what on earth had come over him?

Allen was not one to initiate physical contact, and he was not one to purposely get close to someone, so what happened to his usually cautious self back there? What possessed him that would make him act like some... some naughty nursemaid!? And more importantly, why hadn't any sirens gone off in his head before things escalated to that point? Allen couldn't imagine himself feeling perfectly safe in a situation like that. He _could_ imagine himself thinking 'What am I doing? I'm going to get myself raped, again. Why am I doing this? God dammit.' he could imagine himself feeling utterly endangered, like... panda bear endangered. How was it that until he has consciously realized where he was and what he was doing he'd felt perfectly at ease? In all honesty, he had actually found it rather entertaining until that last moment.

What was wrong with him?

'_What if it's something really weird like years of being around Tyki (and Cross too, the guy's was such a womanizer) are finally taking there toll on me and I'm slowly turning into him? Ok I doubt that one... a lot. But why would I feel safe being that close to Kanda? To anyone really...'_

There were small flutters in his stomach, and at first Allen thought he was the sick one, but he soon realized it wasn't a bad feeling. That made him embarrassed, and he plopped down onto his bed face-first; the pillow felt cool against his heated face. He was not getting _butterflies_ over _Kanda_, if he was, what did that mean?

**Saya feels bad for Allen, really, she does. Because she's leading him down a path of inevitable self-destruction. And when he reaches that destruction, that's when the true angsting begins...... Poor Allen.... to be the first to fall ..... poor, poor Allen..... **

**Oh, and a suppository, for those who don't know, is a type of medicine that is basically taken up the ass. Apparently, drugs taken that way go through your system faster... **

**And can't you just see Allen in a little nurse's dress, with the little hat on, trying to seduce Kanda into taking his meds? Saya can!**

**And Panda's are on the world's top ten most endangered species list.**


	40. A Dangerously Fun Game

**So here we are once again, in the court of miracles.... where the hopes of many all bare down on a false personality that isn't really all that false. This was hard to finish because Saya keeps indulging herself with LaviKan fics.... and that's the one pairing that probably wont come into play here....sadly. Well..... Saya doesn't know how this chapters gonna go so.... let's see, shall we? **

**Saya owns everything and nothing..... the play but not the actors...... **

**rated M over all for, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** **This chapter rated... k pretty much.**

40. A Dangerously Fun Game

Allen was becoming wary, wary of everything, but mostly of himself. In all honesty inner Allen was always wary, because outer Allen was emotion-driven. It might not seem like a hard thing to fake being, but it was because the inner Allen was always so cautious that made it hard for him to act impulsive, to pretend to be some head-strong fool with a hero complex. That wasn't the real Allen. So every time he spoke, he thought over his sentences three or four times, and before he did anything besides kill akuma, he was making predictions on the after effects of his actions to his heart. Both of them.

But outer-Allen's cautious behavior did not go unnoticed. Lavi would ask him why he was acting weird, and Allen would give his truthful answer, he was just being more mindful of his actions. Then he would steal a glance at Kanda, who would be purposely ignoring them, and the rest of the world. Allen was blaming Kanda for everything; Kanda had done something to him, Kanda had made him let down his guard, Kanda had done something to make him not think before he did things. Allen blamed Kanda completely, it was all the swordsman's fault for parading into the frozen gray area of his heart like he owned the place, like he had every right to know its secrets. It was all Kanda's fault.

Yet Allen couldn't get himself to resent Kanda. On the contrary, he liked it. He liked that there was someone he could feel safe enough to let his guard down around. But of course, Allen hated that too, he hated that he would allow himself to become vulnerable in front of anyone. He hated that he had told Kanda anything, he hated knowing that the Japanese boy's very presence was enough to make him relax his guard ever so slightly. All in all, a every confusing way for the poor kid to feel.

"Man you two are being so weird lately... I mean first Yuu-chan's acting all angry, but he's being more tolerant, which makes no sense by the way. Then Moyashi-chan is getting cautious, I never thought I'd live to see the day that happened.... what's next? Lenalee poisoning people's brownies?" Lavi asked jokingly, his hands behind his head as he looked up at the clouds that rolled over Gent as they left it. Kanda let out a little "tch" at the statement, Allen looked away, and Lenalee hit him over the head for ever suggesting that she would do that.

Still, time and time again, Lavi made it obvious that he was more observant that anyone gave him credit for. He waited for the day they would fully realize that, hoping that day never came. Things were so much more interesting when people didn't realize they were being watched. Because once people realized they were being watched and analyzed, they became predictable, and no reliable information could be gained.

So the four walked to where the finders where waiting to bring them back to Antwerp, Lavi deciding to play 20 questions, which thoroughly annoyed Kanda. They all went their separate ways as soon as they reached the base. Well, not Kanda and Allen since both were going to their rooms. Lenalee went to contact Komui, and Lavi decided to wander off to somewhere or other, something he had been doing for a while now. After nearly half a year of being in one place, they were all settled into their own routines, and they were all bored, there wasn't much left to explore in the place.

"You'd better fix your mask a bit Moyashi, if you don't want other people figuring you out," Kanda said through the wall, his voice flat. It was one of the many routines they had fallen into, talking to each other through the thin wall. For some reason, it was more comfortable than speaking face to face. Probably because the wall protected Allen even when his own self-defense was falling, you can't read someone's facial expressions when you can't see their face. Kanda too, liked it for a similar reason. Anger, frustration, ill will, all of his emotions were blocked off by the wall, hidden underneath a cool and aloof voice.

"I know, no need to tell me twice..."

"Che, I think this is the fifth time I've given you a little warning but you're only getting worse. If I'm gonna keep secrets for you then you should try a little harder to keep them yourself."

Allen pouted, he didn't like being reminded that he had trusted information to Kanda, he didn't like being reminded that the older exorcist had something to hang over his head if the time ever came for him to want to do so. And of course, he didn't like to be reminded that he was being irresponsible with his own secrets.

"Well no one asked you to pry and find out things about me. No one asked you to keep secrets."

"So you're saying I could go out there and tell everyone of your association with the Earl and you'd have no problems with it, because you never directly asked me to keep secrets for you, which would make one think you obviously didn't care if they were told." Kanda smirked at the silence that came to his ears. Even though he couldn't see the fleeting panic on Allen's face, he could imagine it perfectly, and the silence finished the image off just right. After all, what's the point of dragging things out if he didn't get the most out of it he could?

"That's ... not what I meant," Allen let out in a low whisper, but Kanda's sharp ears still caught it, though just barely. Allen didn't want to admit that Kanda had something to hold against him, but he knew if he didn't say something he might just find himself at the center of an investigation. He didn't quite understand it himself, Allen trusted Kanda enough to actually tell him these things, but at the same time, he worried about Kanda revealing them. Maybe there was some hidden danger in Kanda he just wasn't _seeing_? But as masochistic as it was to his nerves, Allen continued to trust Kanda, a darker part of his mind could say that he even enjoyed the dangerous game of secrets, lies, and threats.

"Hn... Relax Moyashi, I already decided to keep your damned secrets, I'm not gonna go _squeal_ on you."

Allen could see Kanda rolling his eyes as he spoke. Allen stuck his tongue out at the wall, before settling onto his bed to take a nap before dinner. Yes, the darker part of him definitely liked this game, it was a gamble, and Allen always liked the thrill of taking chances when the odds were stacked against him.

God only knows what he'd think of this game for two if he knew what Kanda was planning on the other side of that wall.

000

Lavi was on top of the fairly high roof of the Finder's base. His knees tucked under his chin, his arms wrapped around his legs in an effort to keep warm; it was mid-November and the temperature was only about 5c with a cool breeze hitting him that didn't help his mission for heat. Still, he stayed out here because the cold cleared his head. He'd been feeling a bit guilty lately, he was taking advantage of the fact that the panda wasn't here, and he was getting closer to his fellow exorcists. But he knew that as soon as he was around Bookman again, that he wouldn't be able to be so open anymore. He felt as though he were leading them on a bit, and at the same time betraying his role as a one of the Bookman clan.

So he sat, and wondered about his friends, wondered if he should be so attached to Allen, wondered if maybe teasing Kanda had somehow managed to bring the two closer than he'd thought, wondered about the bond formed over the secret of Lenalee's feelings. Was it good to make bonds when he wasn't supposed to have a heart? The topic was suddenly too painful to think on, a sure sign that he had let himself fall too far into his friendships. He got up off the rooftop, and decided that he would go back into the warm finder's base, where warmer thoughts came with the warmer air.

Lavi jumped off the roof and landed with a thud on the frozen ground in a crouching position. He straightened up, and then swung himself into the building through the nearest window, which was the one to his room. The bases' living quarters were mostly underground, the room's coming above the ground all of 3 or 4 feet. Just as he closed the window behind him, his door opened. It was Lenalee.

"Lavi guess what? I just called ge-ge and he said that we'll be going back to Head Quarters in a month! We're finally out of here," she said excitedly, Lavi guessed it had to do with being able to see her brother again. She was an exorcist, true, and used to being away from him for a long amount of time, but that didn't make it easier to be separated from Komui. Lavi also had the distinct feeling that Komui set the date just so because he wanted Lenalee home by Christmas, which would follow their return to the Order almost immediately. He grinned, glad to be rid of this place, which had become horribly boring to him. As soon as she left to go tell the others though, his smile turned sad, he didn't want to have to go back to constant book-work, to trying to kill a heart that resisted so strongly to dying. He didn't want to think, so he blanked his mind, and decided to go to sleep much earlier than usual.

**So Saya should probably warn you, along with the KanAre (which will always be the goal pairing here), and TykiAre (which is just sooo fun... Allen torture!) There will be some LaviAre too.... just because Allen's in for a lovely destruction....but he needs someone to put him back together again. **

**and 5********c is around 40********f, for those of you who don't know. Saya figured that since just about every country but the US has converted to metric, that using metric herself would make more sense here. **

**wouldn't it be interesting if Lenalee went around poisoning brownies?**

**and one more thing.....DUDE CHAPTER 40! chaaaaa.....**


	41. Choices

**So recently Saya's become a shinkuro fan. Awesome manga... Saya love's postman-san... yeah that's seriously what people call him! He's so cute too. The postman of hope and love who delivers mail over Imperial Academy's campus! ... yeah... so Saya just mini-ranted about something very un-DGM-related. **

**Saya's checked ebay and everything but just can't find the rights to DGM...**

**rated M over all for, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** **This chapter rated... k pretty much.**

41. Choices

Kanda had a bittersweet moment when he was told the group would be headed back to headquarters. On the one side, he knew that Komui wasn't going to give them another mission for a while because of Christmas, but on the other side this gave him a time limit. There was something about killing Allen inside the walls of HQ that didn't sit well with him. For one, even though he had a plan just in case, Kanda was not intending to be caught. Who knew what kind of surveillance Komui had up there? And besides, there was just something about killing him there of all places that really got to him. Maybe it was because the entire building was filled with people who absolutely adored the kid? For one he'd stick out as an obvious suspect and for two Kanda would probably get extremely pissed with everyone moping around over him.

But believe it or not, he actually had a plan on how to go about this, one that would involve leaving minimal to no evidence, because every murder leaves a hint to who's behind it. But of course, if it wasn't murder then... he was safe. But how to go about with this plan now when there was only a month left to work, limited time presented him with a small problem. But it was all for the better, he could only stand it so long before he just took his sword to the kid or something stupid like that.

So, with his little problem in place, Kanda went out on a mission for information. Which means that all he really did was decide to ask Allen questions through the wall like he always did. They asked each other strange questions all the time, why would asking another seem weird? So when they got home from a day of extermination, he thought over the best wording for the question before actually asking it an hour or so later.

"Oi, I have a question..."

"That happens a lot these days. What is it?"

"What would you rather die than do? Or let happen to you?"

Allen thought over both questions, and realized he had answers he just didn't feel like giving anyone. Especially Kanda, who would probably understand what he really meant no matter how vague an answer he gave.

"I am not under any obligation to answer that."

"You've said that plenty of times and you always end up telling me anyways...."

Kanda rolled his eyes at Allen's refusal, mainly because the kid never seemed able to stick with it. Kanda knew that Allen only got like this around a few subjects. Usually, that subject was the Earl and the Noah. Allen really didn't like talking about anything that linked back to his past.

"Hmph! fine then, since you put it that way, and I know you'll badger me anyways, I'll just say it!"

"Then get on with it."

"I don't wanna."

Kanda slapped his palm over his face and sighed, it was hard to deal with a childish Moyashi.

"Just spit it out already..."

"You go first then!"

Kanda let out an angry growl, but did as told; he wanted an answer to his question, and he would get an answer. "That's simple. There is nothing I would prefer death to doing, and nothing I would rather die than let happen to me."

"So you're afraid of death?" Allen asked, he'd never really thought Kanda was afraid of that, but who knew?

"Where the hell did you get that from Moyashi?"

"Well, if there's nothing you're so afraid of doing that you'd rather die than do it, that would mean you fear death above anything you could do, and any regret you could gain as a result. And if you don't fear anything happening to you so much that you'd rather kill yourself to get out of it, that would mean that you fear letting yourself die more than anything."

"Please, I don't care if I die; I just have something to do first. After I'm done with that I'll dig my own grave and jump into it for all the fear of death I have."

"So you're suicidal?"

'_Ok, now he's just doing that to annoy me...'_

Kanda could she Allen smiling devilishly at being able to aggravate him.

"No. Now I've given my answer, you give yours."

'_Let's get off the topic of me...'_

There was silence for a minute, Allen was deciding on how best to answer this question.

"I ... would rather die than go back to the Earl. If they ever managed to bring my back I'd kill myself before they reached the mansion," he said this with absolute conviction, and Kanda knew that if there ever came a time when Allen was forced to leave the Order, then he would never have the chance to come back. The child's loyalty to the Black Order made it a little harder for him to see the killer in Allen, but all he had to do was remember the family who died by his hands, and then Kanda had no problem with the task.

"And what would you rather die than let happen to you?"

"... I'd rather die than let my choices be taken away..."

"You're choices? Is variety seriously that important to you?"

"No idiot! I'm not talking about little choices... I mean like the larger choices... and the choice to say "No, I don't want to do that" and then actually having the right to reject the task."

Kanda didn't exactly get that, because if Allen would rather die than have his choices taken away, why hadn't the kid killed himself yet?

"You do realize you work for the Black Order, right? If you get an order from a superior, you don't have the choice to say no to that. You've already lost that choice."

"No, that's wrong, I chose to come here. I knew what being an exorcist would mean, and I and chose to become one anyway, so I basically said yes to all missions in advance. Really, I was on my own for months, if I hadn't wanted to come here, I could've run away from it all before I even started. South America and Australia are pretty good places for people to hide from the Order... I could've just chosen to live as normally as I could. It just doesn't seem like such a big deal to you because as far as I know, you didn't live like I did. I didn't have a choice to say no, I didn't have a choice in anything; I was more of a puppet than a human being. Besides, there are more choices in the world than just where to work."

"Like what choices?" Allen pouted, and blushed slightly, this was were his refusal had come from.

"... Other things... like..."

"Speak works Moyashi."

"... Like the right to say "No I will not answer your prying questions Kanda." Like that."

"You chose to answer the question, now follow through 'till the end."

"Tch... pushy bastard."

Both of them were quiet for a minute, rather surprised.

'_Did he just tch?'_

"Oh god did I just tch? Kanda you're like a virus infecting my brain with your tch-ing, that's not good... not good at all."

"You're not distracting me."

"Well fine, the choice to reject people... that's a big choice..."

Kanda knew exactly what Allen meant with that, even though it was a rather indirect way of saying it. Kanda's mind had plenty of time to piece together all the incidents involving Tyki Mikk to realize that those hadn't been a recent development. What Allen was really afraid of was being violated. Of course, Kanda didn't blame him for being indirect about that, he would've been too.

"Hn... well then, one more question. Why did you choose to enter the Black Order, knowing that was what the Earl had wanted you to do originally?"

"Because he as no sway there, inside the Order's walls, I don't have to worry about the Earl or the Noah or anything. As soon as I joined he couldn't get to me anymore. Besides, Mana wanted this for me too, he wanted me to fight against the Earl in a way he couldn't. He told me to keep walking until I found a safe place, and that's what the Order is, my safe place."

'_Well it's not so safe for you anymore, is it?'_

**Wah.... Saya's mug keeps getting empty..... then she has to go all the way across the house (a what, 15 second trip?) And refill.... she wishes she had a Lenalee-imouto to bring her coffee (water?) everyday..... On a totally different note... Saya got a hair cut! she now looks like Moara-chan. It was completely unintentional. Fr'serious. But it's awesome.... and now it's easy to take care of... no more bed head for Saya.... :D **


	42. Suspicious

**Hello lovelies! Saya's back with yet another chapter! She's not too sure why she's so excited though, it must be because she's still going fan-girl over Hanataro.... he's so adorkable! He just needs a good glomping :D**

**Saya owns -Man like she owns words, she can use it, read it, but in the end she'll never own it.**

**rated M over all for, molest, violence, and the occasional swearing.** **This chapter rated... k .. Maybe T? Probably not.**

43. Suspicious

Lavi was worried. The relationship between Allen and Kanda was changing, it was very different than it had been before, and it was still changing. To Lavi, it was glaringly obvious. If he were a normal person and had noticed this, he would've thought it was insane that he be the only one to realize this. But alas, Lavi was no ordinary person, he was a Bookman. As such, he saw and remembered every little detail of things, he noticed every time a movement was aborted, every time someone opened their mouth with purpose and only took in air instead, every shift of the eyes, every tensing and loosening muscle, all the little things that most people overlook.

What he saw worried him, it made him suspicious. The change they were going through had started a long time before, when they came back from their mission on that ship. No, probably while they were on that mission. At first it didn't seem like a bad thing. Lavi had often entertained the idea of them becoming friends, and laughed at the theory that maybe, since the two had never properly experienced childhood, that maybe their bickering was their juvenile way of expressing some kind of affection for each other. But their slowly changing relationship had rather recently taken on a speed of its own, seeming to quicken its pace and stray from the original course it was going to run.

Their relationship was all based on cause and effect. Kanda's behavior was affecting Allen's. Kanda seemed to allow openings in his usual armor of coldness, openings that only Allen would ever think to take advantage of. But Kanda always pulled back before Allen got too close. The first comparison that came to Lavi's mind was a hunter, slowly bringing his prey into a trap without letting said prey realize what he was doing. Allen was carefully moving forward, inch by inch, and then stopping every time Kanda pulled away.

This was making sirens blare in Lavi's mind; he wondered how Allen couldn't see the danger. But then again, was it really Allen being oblivious, or was it something worse, like maybe Allen enjoyed the danger, maybe that was pulling him in too? Lavi wouldn't be surprised either way. Allen was always rather oblivious, he'd spent God knows how much time with Lenalee, and failed to realize that she had fallen hard for the boy. Allen was oblivious to much of the attention he received from the opposite sex, and often his own too. On the other hand, Lavi had seen Allen make many seemingly impossible gambles on various missions, whether it was gambling clothes in a card game, or his life in a hopeless battle, and he had always watched Allen win, no matter how stacked the odds.

But dealing with Kanda wasn't a card game, Allen couldn't win with just a few tricky moves and unnoticed card changes. And Kanda wasn't like and Akuma, Allen couldn't just skewer him with Clown Crown's claws when the older boy put him in danger. Through training and the constant day after day fighting, Allen had gotten to know his innocence better, and had unlocked it's true form, but that didn't mean Allen could use his innocence on a fellow human, no matter what they were planning.

Lavi really wanted to warn Allen, but at the same time, he wanted to believe that Kanda wasn't really intending to do any wrong; he wanted to believe that it was all just him being paranoid. He didn't want to suspect his best friend, but he didn't want Allen, whom his feelings for were growing into something questionable, to be hurt. Lavi was battling with himself, to not feel too much towards the white haired boy; Bookmen aren't supposed to feel at all, Lavi was already allowing himself to feel too much. Still, Lavi couldn't bring himself to simply observe this piece of history.

"Hey, Yuu? Can I talk to ya alone for a minute?" Lavi asked, poking his head into the small room that had been inhabited by Kanda for nearly half a year.

"Do you mean talk alone or talk without being over-heard?" Kanda questioned, sure that Allen was sitting on the other side of the wall and would hear them even if he didn't want to. Lavi gave a questioning look.

"The wall is paper-thin, Moyashi can here you as clearly as I can."

"Oh, then would ya mind comin' with me?"

"Yes I would mind."

"Oh come on Yuu-chan... Please? It's important!"

"No."

"Fine then I'm draggin' you outta here!" Lavi marched into the room, looped his arms under Kanda's, laced his fingers together on the back of Kanda's neck, and was pulling him out of the room before Kanda could even react to his last statement. That didn't stop Kanda from thrashing around in Lavi's hold with as much dignity as was possible.

"Let me go Idiot!"

"No I told you this is important!"

Lavi dragged the irate Japanese into a small, empty room; Kanda wondered if Lavi even knew where he had taken him.

"Now if I letcha go, what will you do?"

"Punch you and go back to my room."

"Then I'm not letting go of you."

Kanda gave a low growl, as though saying "let me go or I kill you." But then, Kanda wasn't in any position to make threats.

"Ok. There's somethin' going on between you and Allen, I can tell. I regret to inform you that if you were trying to hide that, ya did a terrible job." Kanda stopped struggling for a minute, letting Lavi's statement sink in.

"There is nothing between us, nothing that wasn't there from the beginning. With I'm pretty sure was pure animosity."

"Oh shut up Yuu, I've known ya long enough to know that's a blatant lie. I'm sure you hated each other a great deal at first, but now you're baiting him."

"What?!"

"You're baiting him, trying to bring him closer to you on purpose. Never, ever, in all of my extensive memory, have you ever done that. You're planning somethin', and it gives me a bad feeling. What are you going to do to Allen?"

Kanda let out a frustrated breath, damn Lavi and his attention to detail. Still, as it was in Kanda's nature to keep people from seeing into his mind, he would simply have to get away from Lavi without giving the other boy an opening to find him out.

"Why do you think I'm planning something just because I'm not trying to kill him for being within five feet of me?"

"Because it's NOT. LIKE. YOU. I mean god Yuu, you're actually letting someone act close to you. In public. Without trying to kill them. I've been tryin' to act like a friend to you for years and all I've ever gotten was Mugen to my throat. You're more polite about it to Lenalee, but you still keep her at arm's length too, even when she's worried about you. But for some reason, Allen seems to suddenly be incredibly close to you and you act like ya don't care."

"It's not my fault if he feels like acting like he's closer to me than he is."

"But you're letting him! that's the problem!"

Lavi paused, a possibility coming to mind. Yes, it was true, Kanda was letting Allen get closer to him, but that wouldn't be such a problem on its own. Allen was moving closer to Kanda, regardless of the danger that presented itself. There had to be some very compelling emotion behind that, because certainly even if Allen could consciously overlook that danger, his self-preservation instincts couldn't. Lavi's stomach flipped uneasily when all his joking came back to bite him in the ass.

"Y-you're leading the kid on!" Lavi was so surprised with himself for saying that aloud that he dropped Kanda, who landed on the floor with an annoyed grumble.

"I have no idea what you're getting at anymore," he said simply, getting up and rolling his shoulders, which were sore because of the way Lavi had been holding him. Lavi still had a look of horrified shock on his face, he was gaping and staring at Kanda with wide eyes.

"I can't believe it. Are you seriously just leading the poor boy on? Don't even tell me you haven't figured it out."

"Figure what out!?"

"Allen _reaaaally_ likes you... and you're leading him on!"

Kanda was dumbstruck for a minute, sure him and Allen weren't glaring at each other all the time anymore, and Kanda had helped Allen here and there, and they were now capable of civil and somewhat personal conversations, but that surely wouldn't make Allen like him. Well, that couldn't make Allen like him in the way Lavi was insinuating, could it?

"You're insane. And when did you come to this brilliant conclusion anyway?"

"All of ten seconds ago!" Lavi said without shame, as though he was declaring that he'd known that from the beginning. Kanda hit his forehead; dealing with this idiot was just giving him a headache.

"Yeah, well I'm leaving now, have fun making up crazy ideas." Kanda turned to leave the small room and felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm warning you, if you do anything to Allen, you'll regret it," came from behind him. His eyes widened for a second, before a smirk settled on his face. Kanda shrugged the hand off his shoulder, and then continued out of the room, stopping at the door.

"Threatening me over the Moyashi? Maybe it's _you_ who's captivated by _him_? Thanks for the warning." Kanda left, feeling very amused. Now that the idea had come into his mind, things would be all the better for him if Allen truly did like him. It would hurt more for the kid in the end.

Lavi grimaced as he watched Kanda leave. Kanda had just made a good point, his protectiveness over the white haired boy was most likely because of his own growing infatuation, something that would surely earn him a kick to the head from Bookman Not only that, but it would seem Kanda would be more than happy to take advantage of Allen's feelings, which both of them had only just come to fully realize.

'_Shit.... I just made things worse, didn't I?'_

**Poor Lavi... that's what happens when you meddle... oh well... all's well that end's well... wait, this is gonna end well though... well it might....erg.... holy shiznats Saya's so confused by this chapter . **


	43. Because I Like You

**So... Saya's doing just about anything she can to keep her mind off her stomach at the moment... she's hungry but it'll be a while before her mum comes home with dinner.....T-T oh well, a better way to occupy Saya's time would be to thank you all of all of your reviews, ever. Or even just thinking of reviewing. But most of all, thank you for sticking with this fic, you are all loved with every fiber of Saya's being. **

**Saya owns the Pikachu on her desk, but that has nothing to do with DGM.**

**rated M over all for, molestation, violence, and the occasional swearing.**

43. Because I Like You

Lavi was more worried than usual all the next day; he'd made Allen's situation worse, and he knew it. How Kanda planned to use the knowledge of Allen's feelings Lavi knew not, but it couldn't be good, this was Kanda he's suspicious of. Lavi thought back on every memory he had of Yuu and Allen, trying to find just what Allen did that had warranted whatever Kanda was planning. Because it was a shock in itself that Kanda was_ planning_ anything at all. In a sense, he was as reckless as Allen; for any random transgression against him, Kanda usually just tried to run the transgressor through with Mugen. But Kanda was thinking of something bad, and he was taking his time. Though the only thing that Lavi could see that marked Kanda accomplishing anything was how close Allen had gotten to Kanda.

Lavi would have to stop that; he'd have to make things harder for Kanda. He kind of felt as though he were betraying his friend a little bit by plotting against him. But then Lavi would be doing a lot worse than just betraying Allen if he let Yuu go about with whatever plan he had without fighting it. Besides, Lavi was already betraying Lenalee with his own feelings, as well as his heritage as a Bookman. Lenalee had trusted him with her secret, she hadn't wanted anyone to know of her feelings towards Allen, and told the one person who noticed them. Now he was feeling the same thing she did towards the boy; and love and liking are two very selfish emotions, they often over-power one's loyalty to their friends. And of course, a Bookman isn't supposed to have a heart, so what business did Lavi have caring about Allen's well-being? What right did he have to care about Allen? To want to hold him, and protect him, and make the boy smile? He had no right to feel those things, just the right to watch from afar as Kanda went about with his plotting.

But Lavi was more concerned about Allen's well being than he was about his loyalties at the time. Therefore, when he could not take his guilt and fretting any longer, he went into Allen's room to ask the boy to accompany him to the roof. Allen did, only slightly curious about the invitation.

The two seated themselves at the top of the roof, just below the peak. The roofs just barely sloped; the angle of inclination was just enough to let water run off.

"So... what did you want to talk about?" Allen asked, tilting his head to the side a bit, looking over to Lavi who now sat beside him.

"I... Er… Well this is a kinda hard thing to explain really ... but it needs to be said!" Lavi said, his words gaining more power as he went on; at the moment he was talking more to himself than to Allen. Allen gave him an inquisitive yet encouraging look, hoping to gently prod an answer from him.

"Well I don't like the fact that I even have to warn ya about this but I want you to be more careful of Yuu."

"Er... Kanda? Why? I mean sure he's a frigid bastard but..."

Lavi hit his forehead, he was afraid of this. He didn't like the idea of pointing out every little incriminating thing Kanda had done, and he didn't like having to tell the younger boy that Yuu knew of his feelings and might use them against him. Feelings that Allen wasn't aware anyone knew of, and was in denial about himself. He would try to make things clear before he had to do either of those.

"But you don't think he'd actually do anything to you?"

"Well I mean I wouldn't be surprised if he just got so pissed at me that he started a fist-fight with me or something, but I don't think he'd try to seriously hurt me."

"Are you sayin' that you don't think you could get seriously injured in a fist-fight with Yuu?" Lavi asked, his tone flat; maybe he was underestimating Yuu's hand-to-hand skills or something?

"Hm.... good point. I just mean in comparison to how much he _could_ hurt someone. Even he's sensible enough to realize that seriously injuring another exorcist is only going make things harder for him in the end."

'_Well have you ever even considered that maybe Yuu-chan _wouldn't_ pull his punches!? And what about the possibility of him _wanting_ to do somethin' horrid to you!? GAH you're being so oblivious, I never thought that could be as infuriating as it is now (though it is kinda cute)!'_

"Allen, have you never taken the time to think about why Yuu's letting you get so close to him?" Lavi asked, his voice hinting at how strange Lavi believed Yuu's behavior to be. At the question Allen pale face turned a delicate shade of pink. Why he didn't know, maybe it had to do with the fact that Lavi was thinking that he was actually getting close to Kanda, closer than he should be. After all, Kanda only let people come so close to him, so anything that would be considered even remotely close to being close to a normal person was like a huge invasion of privacy to the usually reserved swordsman.

"Well no... actually..."

Allen was a bit embarrassed at the fact that he hadn't really registered just how strange that was. In the back of his mind though, in that dark place that had less-than kind thoughts and tended to pick up on the darkness in others, he had known something was up.

"Allen, you have to have realized that Yuu doesn't let people near him, you have to have realized that it's bizarre that he'd suddenly allow you, who he's always shown an extra amount of dislike for, to suddenly be close to him. And I don't even know how close you two really are at all; I'm not around you guys all the time. But it's becoming obvious that you two have changed somewhat. And I really hate feeling any suspicion towards my best friend but I'm getting the distinct feeling that he's up to no good. So I'm begging you please, just be careful, ok?" Lavi asked pleadingly. Allen stared at Lavi for a moment, a bit stunned and not sure what to do. It was clear that the redhead was worried, and Allen couldn't help but want to calm his friend.

"Well I don't really see what danger you're seeing here, but if it will make you feel better, I will try to be cautious around Kanda, ok? So please don't worry about me, I can take anything he throws at me!" Allen finished confidently, giving Lavi a reassuring grin. That darker side of his mind would have liked to pout at the idea, but unfortunately little bits of peoples' minds cannot pout for they have no mouths in which to pout with. That part of him that had noticed the danger was the part of him that was thoroughly enjoying the thrill of freefalling into what was most definitely a trap of some sort. But the dominant part of Allen's brain that cared about self-preservation decided that if Lavi, who was much more observant than he could ever be, was warning him about Yuu's strange behavior when he had known Kanda far longer than Allen, that he should take the older boy's advice and watch his back.

The two of them looked forward into the sky, which had already grown dark with night, stars glittering like gem stones on the vast expanse of inky black. Allen looked towards Lavi from the corner of his eye, a question suddenly coming to mind.

"Hey Lavi..."

"Yeah?"

"You said that you needed to tell me this, but why did you need to warn me?" Allen asked sincere confusion on his face. It was one thing for Lavi to want to tell him, but to _need_ to? "Want" and "Need" had always been two very different things in his mind; Allen wanted to know what could make Lavi need to warn him over anything.

At this a wide grin spread over Lavi's face, his eye had a teasing glint to it and at the same time somehow had a seriousness to it too.

"Because I like you, Allen-chan. And I don't think I could take it if Yuu did anything to you."

His expression was friendly enough, though it did hold a bit of his usual mischievousness, but the implication behind his words made Allen realize that Lavi acting out of something that most definitely was _not_ friendship.

**Well Saya has eaten now... and has watched Naruto... read Ruroken 21-22... and did other random stuff. She get's side tracked easily. And now it's an hour into the day after she started this, and she should probably sleep. Well... hope you enjoyed the chapter. And sorry all of you out there who don't like the idea of LaviAre. Everyone loves Allen though. Unless they're Tyki... then they just wanna rape him.... x3**

**And Saya's gotta thank Tuli-Susi, who in one particular review pointed out that it was indeed a rather un-Kanda-ish thing for him to plot anything, and that he was rather reckless, like Allen. This came into play at the very beginning of this chapter. So thanks :]**


	44. Let the memories come forth

**Waaaaaaah Saya let this sit for over a week!!?11//! -panics- waaaah sorry!!!! ahem..... anygay..... enjoy because Saya cant think of anything else to say! **

**Saya owns her calligraphy inks, but not DGM. No, those two things are totally unrelated. **

**rated M over all for, molestation, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is T for Kanda's evilness. Yep, just for you, our favorite man of the purple roses.....**

**44. ** Let the Memories Come Forth

Lavi was sure to watch Allen and Kanda like a hawk the next day. He had noticed that all through the day, whenever Allen found himself gravitating towards the older boy, he'd always take a step back the moment he realized what he was doing. It was obvious he was trying to distance himself, much more obvious than it was when he was trying to get closer. Maybe it was because it wasn't natural for Allen to try and pull away from people? Or maybe it just wasn't natural for him to try and pull away from Kanda? Honestly Lavi wished it wasn't Kanda he was so attracted to. The fact that Allen had to forcibly stop himself from falling into his habit of being close to Kanda annoyed Lavi to no end; all in all, he was jealous, though his worry was still the more dominant emotion.

Of course, Allen's attempt at distancing himself caught Kanda's attention, and anytime Allen pulled away from him, Kanda would look directly at Lavi with an extremely hateful glare. He was fully aware that Lavi had done something, because he remembered hearing Lavi ask Allen to go to the roof with him. A more sensible part of his mind said that he shouldn't blame Lavi for trying to protect Allen from Kanda's revenge, because it was only natural for humans to protect what they cared about. And of course, all of this probably looked like some random act of malevolence to Lavi too, who had no clue about Kanda's motives. Still, Kanda doesn't usually think with his sensible side, and therefore its opinion held little sway over his actions.

When Allen saw these exchanges, he couldn't help but catch all the things he'd missed about Kanda. It had become apparent that Lavi was indeed right, because if he wasn't then Kanda wouldn't be shooting conspicuous glares at Lavi anytime he pulled away. If Kanda had really cared about Allen being near him, then it would make more sense for him to ask Allen what was wrong. But no, it seemed that Kanda knew that Lavi had warned him, and was angry because of it. Allen would've loved to know just what kind of danger he had almost sauntered into.

But of the four, there was only one who had absolutely no comprehension of just what was happening. Lenalee was incredibly confused over the cycle that the three boys had fallen into. Allen moves closer to Kanda, he then realized it and pulled away quickly, and then Kanda would glare at Lavi. That's what she saw happening, and because she was so out-of-the-loop she had no idea what any of it meant. Allen had been so happy simply walking next to Kanda, and that had made Lenalee jealous. But now that Allen was trying to get away from Kanda, which was something Lenalee had secretly wished for, she was worried about what had happened to him. If Kanda had hurt Allen in any way she swore she would kick him into outer space. The most confusing part was that she had no clue how Lavi factored in at all, he seemed to be just a random factor in an already difficult problem.

000

Kanda stared at his ceiling, things were at a now-or-never point, Allen was trying to get away now, thanks to Lavi, and that just wouldn't do. Not only that, but in four days they would be heading back to H.Q. He simply couldn't let things sit any longer. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, he couldn't allow himself to doubt himself. He couldn't give that small part of him that still had kindness an opening to take over and ruin everything. He couldn't let that forgiving part of him sway his resolve with points like "he didn't have a choice" "you know he regrets it" "you know he didn't want to."

As much sense as each of these points made, it didn't matter, the real point was that his family had been slaughtered and as the only remaining member of the Kanda household, it was his right and his duty to get his revenge.

Kanda looked out his window; it was late, now would be a fine time follow through with his plan. And what exactly was his plan? How was he intending to kill Allen without physically _killing_ the child himself? He would simply do what Allen had told him to do.

"_...I'd rather die than let my choices be taken away..."_

"_...the choice to reject people... that's a big choice..."_

How kind it was of Allen to tell Kanda just what he needed to know. Kanda's plan was to drive Allen to suicide. While Kanda would've loved to just run the brat through with Mugen, he didn't feel like soiling his precious blade with _his_ blood. Besides, he wanted to make Allen feel the way he had for so long; hopeless and completely alone. It didn't matter how many people tried to become close to him, because Kanda couldn't make himself care about other people anymore, not when he had seen just how easily his loved ones could be ripped away from him. He couldn't live through that twice. His home used to be his safe place, but he didn't have that anymore and the Order was not his idea of one either; there were too many people who could go away and never come back. He wanted Allen to know what he felt; like nothing was safe and there was no one there to help you. And maybe Allen would be too weak to handle that, maybe he wouldn't be able to take it if the one person he had confided in turned on him. Maybe he'd take the easy way out, after Kanda threw him into despair he could drag his own life out as long as he wanted.

But if he was stronger than that, if he was strong enough to keep on living, then he'd have Kanda's respect, and Kanda would let him live. It might seem merciful to give one's target a chance to live during a revenge attempt, but really it wasn't that Kanda was being merciful. No, he had decided that he wasn't necessarily out to kill Allen, but make him feel Kanda's pain, make him live with it, make him live in that same, empty way, because this life seemed worse than death.

000

Allen was surprised when he heard Kanda's bed creak; it was late, what could he be doing? The first thing that came to mind was that he was just getting a midnight snack, or something like that. But that idea was tossed, Allen had never known Kanda to eat more than the three basic meals of breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

He was all the more surprised when Kanda came into his room, the door closing behind him soundlessly. Allen immediately sat up in bed; he had a strangely bad feeling about this, and Lavi's warning came to mind.

"_I want you to be more careful of Yuu._"

"Kanda, why are you here so late? If you wanted to talk, you could always just do that through the wall," Allen said, trying to shake off his uneasiness.

"Some things are better said face-to-face," Kanda replied. Allen shivered unpleasantly, Kanda's voice was laced with malice, and his eyes shone coldly.

"Well, what is it?" Allen asked, his worry growing despite how he tried to push it down.

"Do you happen to remember every person you killed?" Kanda asked, shocking Allen into immobility, he was hard-pressed to breathe for a moment.

"E-excuse me?"

"Do you remember everyone you've killed?" Kanda asked again, the words coming through clenched teeth. Allen looked down in shame, shaking his head no.

"Too many... there were just too many."

'_Wrong answer Moyashi.'_

"So when you killed my family 8 years ago, they truly were just a few out of many? Sick."

Shock colored Allen's face, the danger of the situation now apparent. It didn't take a genius to figure out that two plus two equaled four, and Allen needed no help in realizing that a dead family plus a surviving member equaled revenge.

Allen hardly cared though, he was more concerned over what he had done. Had he truly killed off the family of the one person he trusted? And the one person he'd grown to like far too much? Maybe Allen hadn't known or liked Kanda back then, but the thought still disgusted him. Oh, the irony.

Kanda watched the emotions swirl over the young boy's face, realization, disgust, regret, sadness. It wasn't enough, Allen needed to remember, he needed to see each face clearly and then regret each person's death. Not just his own family, but everyone's. After all, he was only alive because he was a "special case," Kanda doubted anyone had been left alive.

"I'm sorry... I can't do anything about what I've already done but say that... I'm sorry," Allen said, unconsciously bringing his knees up to his chest. This sudden shock had released a plethora of memories that Allen had fought hard to suppress. Anything from random incidents to Mana's own death, but most importantly the face of a young child who was huddled in a corner, watching in horror as Allen had come nearer.

**yeah.... you know what Saya was thinking around the "this life seemed worse than death" line? She was thinking that Kanda has a Sasuke-complex... think of it Sasuke's "you made me live a half-life, an avengers life!" and Kanda's empty, worse-than-death-life are like... cousins or something to each other.... So eheh.... sorry for the wait Q-Q**


	45. What Do I Deserve?

**So Saya must say she's glad she started sleeping with a notebook and pen next to her. Most of this chapter was thought up at like 1 and she would've forgotten it (or at least the details of it) if she hadn't written it all down..... thank youuuuu paper. **

**This is chapter 45, should Saya REALLY need to tell you that she doesn't own DGM...?**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is M because of Kanda, geez he really does enjoy making chapter ratings high....**

45. What Do I Deserve?

"I-I'm sorry..." Allen stuttered again. Kanda could see it, before his eyes Allen was being torn apart at the seams by his guilt and self-loathing. He stood in silence and watched it all happen.

Allen was curled up on his bed, a natural defensive reflex people often resort to in order to keep themselves safe, even from mental threats. All the memories he's suppressed just below the surface, the sanity that he'd only held onto by a thread, his control, his falseness, his reality, it was all becoming lost to him and he didn't like that. No, he absolutely hated it, the memories that flooded him, faces torn in pain, countless, nameless, frightened, bloodied faces. He'd tried so hard to forget them and at the same time atone for them; he'd tried so hard to do the impossible.

Still, he could not argue and say that he deserved any less than what he got. Had the amount of Akuma saved reach the number of people slain? Even if they did one day, would it be enough? Life wasn't measured in numbers; life can't be measured on any scale. Allen only wished it could be, so he would know when it was ok to stop, when he'd done enough, when he could be forgiven, if he ever could be at all.

Shaken, that's what he was, shaken; he didn't know if he could stop himself from losing hold of his sanity.

"I'm sorry... just kill me, you've got every right to, and you don't need a murderer to tell you that," Allen said, almost like he was asking Kanda to kill him. His words were true though, he'd read of it, even in biblical times there was always an avenger of blood. But of course, back then there were also cities of refuge.

"Che. Like I would kill you." Allen looked up at him, shocked and frightened.

"W-why...?"

"Do you know how spiders kill?" Kanda asked his voice even, though it held undeniable contempt. As he glared at Allen, his eyes were void of all but that cynical hate.

"Poison. They poison their prey, a poison that slowly immobilizes and liquefies their insides. The insect is trapped, and powerless to fight against it as it slowly feels itself die."

As if on cue something dropped from the ceiling; a small, black spider situated itself on Kanda's finger. He looked down on the creature for a moment, almost fondly, before shaking it off and crushing it under his foot. Allen gulped, he was truly afraid of the man in front of him; maybe Kanda was more unstable than himself? If he was, Allen knew he was to blame.

"If I am the spider and you are the prey then what was the web and what will be the poison?"

Allen's mind worked hastily through his fear, it knew, it had already known. That part of him that had indulged itself in the danger of his feelings had known he was in such trouble, but failed to alert him until it was too late. He had basically been used as a main component in Kanda's revenge; or more specifically, his emotions had been.

" You knew... my trust and feelings were the web and..."

"And my betrayal the poison."

'_Betrayal...?'_

Allen didn't think that Kanda's betrayal consisted entirely of making him remember the past, that just seemed to gentle. He was afraid, what else would happen? What else? Why couldn't Kanda just do what every other avenger does and kill him? Why was he still alive at all?

Kanda took a step forward, and, instinctively, Allen moved back. Kanda's lip twitched up into a small smirk, he was clearly entertained by this, and Allen would've been outraged if he wasn't so frightened. Kanda moved closer, leering all the while. Allen continued to move back, though he knew he was backing into a corner, it was pointless to keep moving away when all he would do is end up against a wall. He felt incredibly like a trapped animal, wanting to look for a possible way to escape but at the same way not wanting to take his eyes off Kanda for a moment, lest he create an opening for attack.

Kanda's knee came down on the edge of his bed, and Allen all but jumped back, hitting the wall behind him hard, letting out a small hiss of pain. He was shaking, not even bothering to hide it, he was just too afraid. Kanda held Allen's chin in one hand, making Allen look directly at him; Allen was sure it would be impossible for his eyes to be any wider. His other hand was on the bed, holding his up his torso as he hovered partially over the trembling boy.

"You once said you thought of the Black Order as a safe place, but if you're so safe then why do you hide from everyone? It's not really safe to you at all, and you were right to think that way. There is no safe place for the likes of you, I'll never let there be a safe place for you."

'"_There is no safe place for the likes of you" I've heard that before...'_

It didn't take much for Allen to realize who had said that before Kanda; Tyki Mikk. It hurt to hear those words again, words of the person he hated more than anyone from the person he had trusted above all others. Emphasis on "_had_" trusted. A fresh wave of fear and realization came over him; he needed to escape, and he needed to do it now. His eyes flickered towards the door, and the much closer window.

Kanda saw this, and dropped his hand from Allen's face to the surface of the bed, consequently trapping Allen between his arms. With a wall to his back and left, Kanda in front of him, and a strong arm blocking his right, Allen was trapped. This was not a favorable situation to be trapped in, but then again is it ever good to be trapped?

"P-please... anything but this..." Allen stuttered out, he was close to hyperventilating already, he felt highly claustrophobic now. Kanda raised an eyebrow; he was most definitely enjoying how everything he did seemed to make Allen more panicky.

"Just what are you insinuating I plan to do?" Kanda asked; it was almost like he was teasing Allen! He wanted to be angry, he wanted to be indignant and enraged, Allen wanted to feel any other negative emotion other than this paralyzing fear. Anything that would make him lash out, just make him move the hell out of there!

Kanda moved his hands to Allen's hips, abruptly pulling the boy down from the wall, so he was now on his back, staring up in horror.

"D-Don't..."

"Hm? I don't get why you'd prefer anything else, after all, I've seen it before, you can shut yourself down perfectly, its nothing you're not used to."

Allen flinched as the fact was thrown in his face. It wasn't like he chose to become that way, it was something he had to do if he wanted to survive mentally. He had to take himself away from what was happening if he wanted to stay somewhat human. And Allen _wasn't_ used to it; he wasn't used to being threatened in such a way by Kanda.

"Please just... let me go, anything but this. Anything..."

"What's the point of doing things your way?"

"What's the point of doing things _this_ way?"

"Simple, because this way hurts you the most," Kanda answered. Allen had been on the brink of tears, and one fell down his cheek as he nodded, as though confirming Kanda's statement. This definitely hurt more than anything else Kanda could've done. Why had he let Kanda find out so much?

Kanda made quick work of Allen's clothes, fashioning his shirt into a gag; he didn't want Allen making too much noise. Allen didn't even bother to fight back, he knew Kanda was physically stronger than himself, and he refused to use his innocence on another human being, even now. Besides, he felt too guilty to retaliate.

So Allen tried not to look, as Kanda removed his own pants and set himself at Allen's entrance. Kanda would have none of that. He roughly grabbed Allen's chin, practically glaring daggers at the child he was about to invade.

"Look at me and only me," he commanded, so Allen did as told and stared into silvery-black eyes as Kanda thrust painfully into him. He let out a cry of pain that was promptly muffled by the cloth in his mouth. He felt like he was being torn; even Tyki had been courteous enough to prep him beforehand, this was a new level of pain. Many more stifled screams filled his throat, as Kanda hammered into him mercilessly. Tears stained his face, and he was finding it hard to breathe, the gag wasn't helping, he was feeling horribly light-headed. Still, he was glad that tears blurred his vision, he could hardly see as his body was violated by the person he'd thought closest to him.

In a union so brutal and malicious as this, it was hard to believe one could find pleasure, but Kanda did, and finally released his seed into the smaller boy. There was a moment of still silence, and then almost before Allen's oxygen-deprived mind could register it, Kanda was up, with his clothes in order as he headed for the door. Allen quickly took his shirt from his mouth.

"W-wait..." His voice came out hoarse and breathless, he was all but gasping for air. Kanda stopped, but did not look back.

"Why... won't you just... kill me?" he asked, desperate to know why Kanda hadn't ended his life.

"Because your blood would only soil my blade. If you're so eager to die then kill yourself," Kanda stated coldly, then left the room without another word.

As Allen's mind re-registered what had happened, his stomach turned; just breathing was making him feel nauseous. He leaned over the bed, ignoring for the time being the ripping pain the movement caused, and vomited over the side, glad that he kept the trash receptacle within reach.

"_There is no safe place for the likes of you"_

'_Do I even deserve one...Mana? Do I deserve a safe place?'_

**Some of you may think that it would've been worse for Kanda to actually kill Allen, but in Saya's opinion, that is not so. She has very serious views on the issue of rape, despite how she sometimes jokes about it. In her opinion, because (most of the time) a rape victim has to continue to live with the feeling of shame and violation, it's much worse than a quick death, where it's over when it's over. Not to mention when you add that to how Allen trusted Kanda with certain aspects about his past. It adds up. Saya tried to hint to what she was planning, she hopes you caught her hints.** **Sorry for the oh-so-serious chapter and long a/n.**


	46. What Do I Have?

**So Saya wrote this entire chapter half-asleep.... if it shows I her writing, forgive her. **

**And on to the important stuff.... Saya was in love with the responses she got for the last chapter, so many of you sympathized with Allen, she's glad that it seemed she got the full horror of the situation across.... let's hope Allen forgives her someday...**

**You all know Saya's not Hoshino.**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is M because of Allen for once...**

**46. **What Do I Have?

Lavi walked down the halls that lead to Allen's room. He was worried, well, everyone was except for Kanda, who never worried about anything. Allen hadn't come to breakfast**.** They all waited for as long as they could for the snow-haired exorcist, but he never came and they had to eat without him to keep to their schedule. Lavi had a horrible sinking feeling in his gut that said something had gone dreadfully, dreadfully, wrong. Allen_** never**_ missed a meal.

Kanda's reaction made his worries worsen. It was one thing that he didn't become as worried as Lenalee and Lavi, but to not even be annoyed by Allen holding up breakfast? He almost looked superior! So Lavi decided to see what was wrong with Allen, telling Lenalee that she shouldn't come with him, just in case the scene was unpleasant.

And it most certainly was. The moment Allen's door creaked open, a foul stench assaulted his nose, the undeniable stench of sick. Allen opened his door slowly, peeking out to see who it was the way a small child looks around his mother's leg while hiding behind her. He looked pale, jumpy, and frightened, but when he saw it was Lavi, tried to put on a smile.

"M-morni-"

"Allen what's wrong?" Lavi asked, in his worry cutting the boy off.

"Sorry... I-I got sick last night... really sick. I'm sorry..."

"No, no, no, no, you don't need to apologize for being sick! Everyone get's sick! You definitely look sick; you should just take the day off today, and no buts. Have a medic look at you today, ok? And if you want you can stay in my room today, because no offense, but your room stinks," Lavi said, quickly dismissing Allen's apologies and then proceeding to babble like a worried mother hen.

"O-Ok... thanks Lavi," Allen said, once again forcing a smile. He was taking being told to stay home a lot better than Lavi had thought he would.

"No problem, just... get better, ok? Everyone's worried about you. I'll talk to ya later if you're feeling up to it," Lavi said, before he had to leave for the day's mission; this was to be their last day working in Gent.

000

Allen hadn't felt like talking later that day, or the next two days after that. It was the night before they had to leave, which made Allen's self-seclusion a problem.

Lavi wondered just how sick Allen was, he had sent in a doctor, right? And according to the kitchen workers who've been bringing meals to Allen, he had been eating, so he wasn't starving himself. Still, Lavi was frightened for the boy's physical and mental health, what on earth was wrong?

He also felt utterly dejected when he once again came to Allen's door, and this time didn't even get a response. He needed to clear his head and rationalize things. In the chilling, pre-Christmas weather, the roof was just perfect for that.

He wasn't expecting to find a shivering Moyashi up there. He practically ran over to him on the snow-covered roof. Not the smartest idea, but Lavi could hardly be bothered to care.

"Allen should you be up here when you're sick?"

Allen jolted, startled by the voice. "L-Lavi...? I'm sorry, I know this is where you go to be alone and all but... I was just remembering how peaceful it is up here..."

Lavi pouted as he walked over to Allen, and draped his large coat over small shoulders that trembled.

"It's nicer out here when you're warm," he said, and took a seat besides him, pulling his knees up to his chest to keep warm.

"Sorry," Allen said again, confusing Lavi, what did he have to be sorry for now? Lavi gave him a questioning look. "I took your coat."

"Heh, you didn't take it, I gave it to you."

The two sat in silence for a while, looking on as snow piled up around them. The perfection of it, that pure whiteness, Allen hated it and reveled in the thought that it would soon be soiled. What right did it have to be so perfect?

"Allen, what's wrong with you? I mean, it seems to be serious, do you have any idea what it is?" Lavi asked his worry obvious. Allen didn't answer; his mind wasn't doing so good a job of pumping out lies at the moment. He knew exactly what was wrong, but he couldn't tell Lavi, could he?

"...Are you even sick at all?" Before Allen could stop himself, he was looking at Lavi wide-eyed. He didn't have his usual control over facial movements and his actions; he was too shaken to feed Lavi some smooth lie like he would've just a few days before.

"D-don't be silly... I-"

"Allen, what's wrong, what happened, really?"

Allen had almost conquered his childhood agoraphobia, but it seemed likely that it had come back full-force, he found himself in too many situations where he had no control, and each of them scared him.

"N-nothing, really..."

"Allen, I'm blind in one eye, not both. I can see that you're lying. Now what the hell is so bad?" He demanded an answer, angry with how stubborn Allen was being. He grabbed Allen's shoulders to make the boy face him.

That physical contact, the absolute worst thing for Allen at that time, set him off, made him snap. At first he was frozen, obviously frightened, his breathing quickening. Then he seemed to be filled with a frantic, desperate, anger brought on by deep sadness. Next thing Lavi knew, he was on his back, Allen was straddling his hips while captivating him in a kiss. Well, it wasn't so much a kiss as a violent ravishing of Lavi's lips. Lavi could've enjoyed Allen's aggressiveness had he not realized that the boy was currently emotionally unstable. It would be wrong of him to take advantage of Allen now. Besides, he had to find out what inspired such a response from the younger boy, one wrong move could ruin the kid.

He pushed Allen away, trying to catch his breath as he watched Allen glare with such a hate for everything that Lavi never knew the Brit was capable of.

"What's wrong? What's _right_ for God's sake!? Everywhere I go, it doesn't matter where or with whom, I always end up with everything taken away from me! Nothing about me belongs to me! My position as an exorcist, my innocence, my combat skills, those belong to the Order! And I could be fine with that, if that's all it was!" Allen started. As he thought of the Order, he also thought of the Earl. Even then, all the value he had had lied in his skills at fighting and assassination, along with that one hated trait that made him different from all the other exorcists. They were not his own, they were to be used by others.

"My heart? It was taken away when Mana died! Whatever was left just gets stolen and torn to shreds! It exists for others and is not my own! My soul is shattered and almost nonexistent, what's the use of one without a heart anyways!?"

Allen had loved his foster father, and while he had gladly placed his love in Mana, that still didn't make his heart his own. Most of his heart had died the day Mana had, and then it came back to died again, just to be cruel. What was left of it froze over to save itself. Now Kanda had stolen, used, manipulated, and mutilated that last piece.

"And my body seems to be up for grabs these days! Because everything else is gone, it's all that anyone can take from me! And everyone wants whatever they can get! That's what you want too! You say you like me? You don't know a thing about me! Don't think me so naive as to believe that people can really care about others! You're just after what's left of me to take! S-so just stop... pretending to care and do whatever the hell you want! I don't care anymore..."

Allen hadn't realized it, but he had been crying, cold streaks made their wet trails down wind burnt cheeks. He shoved off Lavi's jacket, frantically working at the buttons of his vest. Lavi was in a state of complete shock, but managed to pull himself out of it. For one, it was cold and snowing, Allen couldn't be stripping out here. And two, Allen was _stripping _and if Lavi had properly understood all that Allen had said, Allen was doing this because he felt like the Black Order's equivalent to a street-walker, a feeling which can only be brought on by so many things. Kanda immediately came to mind, and a wave of nausea threatened to overtake Lavi when his mind put the pieces of this sick puzzle together.

Lavi stood up immediately, mentally apologizing as Allen fell onto the roof. He could've been a little gentler, but Allen needed to realize he was rejecting Allen's offer completely.

"A-Allen... are you telling me that Yuu--Kanda-" he corrected, realizing that thanks to the phonic similarities of "Yuu" and "you" his question would come out wrong. "-that he r-ra-r-"

Allen didn't bother to wait for him to finish, before returning to the balled-up position he had previously been in, nodding in response. Lavi sat back down, giving Allen more than an arm's length of space.

"I-I can't understand what you're feeling, or why this happened, and I wish I knew what to say but... I'm sorry. I talked to Yuu around a week ago... I told him not to do anything to you. I tried to warn him... because I noticed that he was up to no good. I think I only made things worse though. I'm so sorry."

Lavi seemed sincerely guilty, and though he had much to contend with on his own, Allen couldn't let Lavi feel guilt over Kanda's actions.

"It... wasn't your fault. You didn't ...do it." Allen was in so much pain, pain Lavi knew that no one deserved. Lavi wanted to reach out and comfort him, but he knew that he couldn't.

"It's always the same," Allen said, seeming to be talking to the wind more than anyone. His voice was cynical, spiteful, it was a voice that didn't usually come from the mouth of the younger boy, and it didn't belong there.

"No matter where I go, who I travel with, what I do; my opinion, my wants, my will, they're always cast aside, in order to fulfill someone else's agenda. No one's ever cared for me, just what I can do for them. It's always the same. All I want, all I've ever wanted was a damn choice. If I have just had a choice, none of this would've happened." Much of what Allen said went right over Lavi's head, what did he mean it was always the same? Had this happened before?

Allen was thinking back years, to the day he pierced through a young Kanda's body, and the bodies of his family members. Had he just been allowed to say no to the Earl, if only he hadn't had to do that, then those people would've lived, and Kanda wouldn't hate him so. If he had just had a choice way back then, none of this would've happened.

"You... you really cared about Kanda, huh? ....You still do, don't you?" Lavi asked, he was afraid of the answer, he didn't want to ask. But the thing is Allen had never once specifically blamed Kanda for his pain, or for what he'd done. If anything, it seemed as though Allen's anger was directed at the world, and that the world had caused his pain.

The tears that had never ceased to fall were now accompanied by sobs, and Allen nodded as he lowered his head, so it rested on his knees, hidden from Lavi. At this point, Lavi really just wanted to hug Allen, and tell him everything was alright, that he wouldn't let any of this ever happen again. This hands-off approach didn't suit him, Lavi was much better at consoling when he could touch the person. The most comforting thing in the world could sometimes be a simple hug where someone drew soothing circles on your back that made no sense, but made everything right, Lavi knew that well.

"Allen... can I hug you?"

**And Allen's reaction is....! Yeah, sorry... The rest of has all been written down, but this chapter went past 2000 words, and Saya doesn't want to extend her chapter length too fast now. Baby steps, baby steps. This is where the Lavi-saving-Allen comes in! See? He was really necessary here! This wasn't just Saya throwing in another pairing for the hell of it.... really.**

**Agoraphobia is the fear of difficult or embarrassing situations where the sufferer cannot escape. It usually leads to seclusion, where the person refuses to leave their "Safe places".**

**On a separate note... Saya got one review where it was stated that the person understood the meaning of the title "A Black World Washed White". So Saya wants to know, just what do you guys think it means? **


	47. Scars

**Yeah....so Saya's feeling very scatter-brained lately. She has no idea why, but she's in this constant state of mental panic. Think of it like this, all the little people in her head are hopped up on insane amounts of coffee because Komui has taken over up there. It's like they're constantly running a fire drill...but never actually getting away....o.o**

**No, sorry she fooled you, but Saya doesn't own DGM....**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is mellowing out to a healthy T.... for emo-ness.**

**47. ** Scars

"Allen... can I hug you?" Lavi asked, giving Allen a cautious look, he didn't want to mess up now of all times, but his self-confidence plummeted when handling situations such as these. Allen's eyes were as wide as dinner plates, his face blank of all but surprise. Lavi didn't know why Allen looked so shocked, but Lavi decided it meant he'd done something wrong.

"J-Just say no if you don't want me to. Hell, throw me off the roof it you don't want me here!"

Allen's face still showed his supreme bewilderment. Was Lavi asking him for a hug? Lavi, king of random glomp-attacks? Lavi, Mr. Touchy-feely? Lavi, the one person Allen was sure had no concept of personal space, was _asking_ for a hug?

And more than that, Allen had a choice in the matter? Would it really matter if he said no? The fact that he was being given a choice over something so simple as a hug hit Allen pretty hard. He nodded absently, his mind still trying to wrap itself around the concept of choice. He had known of it before, he had lived with choices before, and he had forgotten just what it meant to have them, the moment they were taken away.

"Are you sure it's ok? I mean, you've been nodding all night. Are you sure you're not just getting used to repeating that one response?" Lavi asked; he wanted to be sure that he wasn't crossing any boundaries. He was extremely aware of the delicacy of the situation.

"...Yes..."

At this, Lavi had to stop himself from throwing his arms around Allen. Instead, he moved slowly, hesitantly, ready to pull away the moment something seemed amiss. Allen too, was tense; he wasn't going to let himself fall into a false sense of security, only to have it ripped from him again.

Allen waited, almost daring Lavi to overstep his boundaries. He waited to be proven right, for the sickening moment he would feel himself falling backwards onto the roof, for when he'd have to see another person violate him, just as he expected Lavi to. But he didn't want to be proven right; he wanted to be wrong, completely and utterly wrong. He just wanted to trust someone, for the soul reason that it was natural to trust. He wanted to be wrong about at least one person.

"I'm so sorry... I can't promise you much, and if I know the old panda, he'd tell me not to promise you anything at all. But... Well who gives a damn? I don't have much I can promise you, but as long as I'm a part of the Order, I promise you'll have a shoulder to cry on. And I will never, ever, take away your choices, even if it means asking you if you want me to breathe."

The sincerity behind Lavi's words started a fresh wave of tears; funny, Allen thought he was close to empty. He didn't know what to feel, joy, sadness, cynicism, or disbelief. Allen didn't want promises, he wanted proof that they'd be kept. Despite that though, he did loosen up a bit. This was different from how it had been with Kanda, there were no sirens going off in his head, no sense of foreboding. There was just something that pleaded with him, asking him to try one more time, to not give up on humanity just yet, telling him that all the world's good qualities didn't really die with Mana. Allen was sure that small something was Lavi's heart, trying to warm his own frozen one.

"You know what I've been doing for the last three days?" Allen asked suddenly, his voice far away. It was almost eerie, and it caught Lavi's attention immediately. "I was trying to kill myself. I figured, if I could have nothing else, I could at least choose to die. But I found that I'm still too much of a coward."

Lavi's eyes widened in alarm, he was "still" too much of a coward? Since when was Allen, everyone's hope, so hopeless himself? His eyes flew to Allen's wrist; only now did he realize the tint of color that was not usually present on Allen's pristine, white shirts. His first instinct was to pull the sleeve up as quickly as possible, but he held himself back. Releasing the smaller boy, he moved a hand tentatively closer to the cuff of Allen's sleeve.

"May I?" Allen nodded, seeming absolutely shameless about the whole thing. Maybe it was because once again he was in a dangerous state of mind, and Lavi was sure to be cautious as he slid Allen's sleeve up his arm, never breaking eye contact with the boy, searching his face for fear or disapproval. But he would not find it, because this was a test of sorts, Allen wanted to see Lavi's reaction, a secret would be revealed along with his arm, and Allen wondered how he would take the information he was sure to learn.

With the material as far up as it would go, Lavi looked down, and froze at the sight. All over, were cuts, of all different lengths and depth; some were still bleeding. But what disturbed Lavi more was that there were others, some were scabbing over, some were a sickly almost purple color, others a bright red, and others a pale pink, or a barely there white, that was hardly different from his normal skin color. They went in all directions too, Lavi noted that several of them came dangerously close to the artery, and that most of the newer ones ran vertically; someone who's tried it before would know that when trying to hit an artery, one cuts vertically because otherwise the pain will usually prevent you from hitting the artery.

Lavi could tell that many of them were very old, it was almost like a time line, one could clearly see which were created when, which were the newest and which were the oldest, a record of pain. Lavi couldn't help but wonder how long this had been happening, and right under all their noses! It was truly convenient for Allen that everyone had thought he wore long sleeves because of his left arm, with its cracked, mutated look. They never assumed that his shirts had hidden anything more than that and some battle scars here and there. He ran his thumb over them, trying to think of when, when and why, what was wrong with this child?

"…Why?"

"...I can't tell you."

Lavi closed his eyes, determined not to let himself badger Allen for an answer. "That's ok, it's ok. You don't have to tell me. But...would it be alright... if I protected you from yourself... from now on?" Lavi asked, wanting to do anything to stop the amount of scars on that arm and body from increasing more than they had to. Allen gave a mirthless laugh. "If you think I'm worth "protecting" go right ahead."

"Well I do think you're worth protecting! So I will! ...If that's ok..." Allen sighed; sometimes Lavi was very strange. The atmosphere about them seemed to change into a less tense, more normal one, and Allen started shivering, the fact that he'd come out here without a coat and that he'd shrugged off Lavi's was coming back to bite him. He didn't want to go back inside though, and Lavi's coat was covered with snow. He sneezed, and pulled his sleeve back over his arm, wiping his nose, promising himself he'd decontaminate his poor sleeve the moment he was inside. Cross had a hate of dirty things, and therefore, Allen grew to hate being dirty or germy for obvious reasons.

"Heya Allen, you look cold," Lavi said, stating the obvious, "Would you mind if I hugged you again, ya know, to conserve heat and what-not," Lavi asked, a teasing smile playing at his lips. Allen let out a quick chuckle and nodded; unfortunately for Lavi, Allen really couldn't help but see him as a goofy older brother. But Lavi would just have to deal with that, because it was what Allen needed at the moment.

000

A dark figure returned from the forest in which he had trained in, the frigid air had kept his concentration sharp. But the cold meant little now that he was numbly walking back inside, signs of tiredness slowly showing. Something had occurred to him, in yet another of those disturbing flashback dreams he seemed to be having a lot of since the first.

'_Satoru.....what happened to him?'_

Yes, he had remembered that when he returned to the Kanda estate after he was saved, he buried all the bodies and did his best to make respectable graves. But there was one body he did not find, no matter how many times he went over the grounds, and that was the body of his little brother, Satoru. He wanted to know what happened to his brother's body.

"Oi, Moyashi," he called through the wall; it was late, around 3 a.m., Kanda wouldn't have been surprised if Allen was asleep. But as it was, he wasn't. He was much too afraid, and much too paranoid to sleep. Allen got the feeling that nothing Lavi did would be able to erase his fear of Kanda and that as long as Kanda continued hating him, his heart would never thaw. If Lavi was the summer, then Kanda was the winter that came after, reversing all of summer's hard work. But he wouldn't be afraid forever, he promised himself.

"Y-yeah?"

"I want to know something."

Allen bit back the retort he was so used to making any time Kanda said that, because for some reason Kanda never did cut to the chase, he always stated he had a question before he asked it.

"What did you do to my brother?"

There was silence for a moment, Allen knew what Kanda must be referring to, and as of late his memories of the incident were all too clear.

"Um...what did he look like?" Allen asked, realizing that no matter how much he searched through his memory, he wouldn't know if he found his brother unless he knew what the child looked like.

"He was like me, but smaller. And he was the only person in the family with green eyes," Kanda stated; he remembered overhearing some of the adults say that Satoru's eyes were special, because he was the only person with them in the family. But then he also heard rumors that Satoru wasn't really his brother, but his half-brother, and that he got his eyes from some strange traveler. Kanda hadn't really understood at the time what the adults had meant, but now that he did he doubted what they said; his mother was too in love with his father to be unfaithful. All the same, his deep green eyes made him stand out in their family.

"...I ...Don't remember anyone with green eyes," Allen said truthfully, one of the clearest things in his memories were people's eyes, because they always widened and then dulled, there was something about the sudden transition between life and death and the way it was so clearly seen in the eyes.

"I'm sorry, but I really don't remember anyone with green eyes," Allen repeated, the silence starting to get to him. He wished Kanda would just say something, cut his nerves some slack!

"...Hn..." Kanda grumbled a little more, and Allen decided he was safe for the moment.

Still, what Allen said had disconcerted Kanda, if Kanda hadn't found his body, and if Allen hadn't killed him, then that could only mean so many things. Satoru was alive somewhere in the world.

**Name notes! So, the name "Satoru" means "enlightened". Saya chose this name because any time she looks up Japanese male boy's names, she always finds that the name "Yuu/Yu" means "superior" though, she has seen it translated as eerie too in other places. She doesn't know which Kanji is used for Kanda's name, so for all intensive purposes, he's superior. So Saya figured, if Yuu is superior, then his little brother must be enlightened. Make any sense? **

**This Satoru thing has been planned out for a while now, Saya's glad she's finally made it this far! Remember the name folks, because Satoru will be popping up again! Not like you couldn't already tell .... 'cause why would Saya tell you he's alive if he wasn't gonna do anything, ne? Well, sorry for babbling!!! **


	48. Blades for Blades

**Yeah... this chapter was a bit hard to write...because it's not so much angsty as it is...well, Saya doesn't really know what it is... action-y? It's not really angst...that's all Saya knows fer sure....**

**If Saya owned DGM, there'd be soooo many more yaoi fillers in the anime...YAOI!!!**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is a ...T-typed thing...... **

**48. **Blade for Blade

'_Goodbye, you despicable room. Once empty, you are now filled with horrible memories, and I will close the door on them all, so none of them may ever follow me.'_

Allen stood just outside his borrowed room, looking in on it for the last time, willing himself to forget everything that had happened while inside; well, all the unsightly memories, anyway. When he seemed to have a clear mind, he looked around the hall; it was deserted, no one was around. Allen let loose a grin; it was huge, and slightly manic. He had the air of a man who was about to complete a great personal feat. This, however, was all just build up for when he slammed the door as hard as physically possible; the wood of the outer-doorframe actually splintered with the force, and the walls surrounding the doorway shook. The sound of the door slapping shut was almost thunderous. Slamming doors really did make one feel better.

'_May I never come back here again,'_ Allen thought, and with his crazed grin still in place and slightly hysterical laughter leaving his lips, he walked down the hall, proud of his decision to never look back on this place, and the things that had transpired here. The past and future are mangled together though, and Allen knew that. He knew he could never forget, but he didn't have to let this dismal change of events hold him down. Lavi had helped more than either of them thought. Even if everyone else were to take his choices away, and locked him away in their cages of hatred or duty, there was always someone who would give them back.

Kanda came out of his room shortly after the loud bang erupted from the halls. He saw Allen's retreating form, even from behind the kid looked a bit deranged.

'_Hn, Moyashi's not as weak as I thought.....but he's definitely nowhere near stable either,' _was all he thought, as he silently followed behind Allen through the Finder's base until they reached the entrance. It wasn't until they met the others at the front gate that Allen realized Kanda had been behind him the whole time; he was glad that he had kept his mad ranting in.

The group minus Kanda said their goodbyes to a few of the finders whom they had become well-acquainted with, before finally leaving the base.

"Man, I'm so glad to be outta that base! I was gettin' bored," Lavi stated, as they walked towards Central Station. He entwined his fingers behind his head, leaning back on his hands.

'_Boring? If only... It was a little too eventful if you ask me,' _Allen thought, heaving a mental sigh. He was calmer now, in that perfect state of mind where he could pretend to be anyone in the world and not feel the least bit guilty for deceiving people, he could be a saint or a murderer, and it wouldn't matter again until he was alone. Besides, Lenalee was around, so he had to become that happy, innocent, too-good-to-be-true boy again, for her sake. She was worried enough over him as it was. Seeing as she was the only one unaware of his current predicament, she was still under the impression that he might be sick.

"I don't know... Allen, you're still so pale. Maybe we should've waited a while before leaving?" Lenalee said, putting a hand to his forehead. It took all the willpower in his being to not pull away from her touch, or show any signs of discomfort. He might've decided to not let the incident hold him back, but it would take a while before he could make good on that decision.

"I'm fine, Lenalee, please don't worry over me," Allen said, giving his best smile. And his false smiles had indeed, returned to their best; the girl tried hard not to pass out at the sight of his beautiful, saintly, and utterly empty smile. It was a smile that hurt Lavi to see, he wanted to see Allen's true smile, now that he knew that the ones he had seen so far had been false. Kanda looked on with an air of annoyance; he'd gone full-circle. He was annoyed with Allen's spuriousness, and pretenses; just because he understood why Allen hid didn't mean it was easier for Kanda to deal with.

"On the contrary, Dear boy, she should worry about you. They all should." Allen's eyes became wide, that was the last voice he wanted or expected to hear. "You looked surprised, my dear, have you forgotten me already?"

"Yeah...actually." Allen's response made everyone gape. But it was true; Kanda had successfully pushed all the Noahs out of his mind.

'_Kill joy..... Ruin my dramatic entrance why don't you?' _Tyki sighed, stepping out into the open, for all the exorcists to see. Everyone was immediately on guard, Lenalee activating her Dark Boots silently as Lavi's hand shot towards Odzuchi Kodzuchi. But Tyki wasn't fazed by any of this; he had eyes only for Allen.

Said boy, however, was already pissed. He was doing a pretty good job of keeping himself together, and he was having a hard enough time as it was, Tyki was just going to make things harder for him and he did not need that; in short, it enraged him. That didn't faze Tyki either. He seemed to be engulfing Allen into their own little world, where nothing they said could be overheard, and everything was just between them. Of course, that was not really the case, but it seemed like it.

"You know why I'm here boy, don't you? Would you be so kind as to make my job easier? I really am getting tired of this game of cat and mouse...."

"Could you be so kind as to not ask the impossible? I would never willingly go back with you."

Tyki scowled, moving closer to Allen, tipping his chin up so he was staring into pools of gold that shone with a mix of malice and lust; it was always the same when Tyki looked at Allen. He hated the boy for his innocence, it was the opposite of him, and it was vile to him. But at the same time, he was much too attracted to Allen's other innocence, that innocence that seemed utterly indestructible, no matter how much one wore away at his naivety. He wanted to see its wonderful destruction.

"There are more of your little friends here than before. I wonder how many of them know your past, like the annoying samurai does?" He whispered, the threat was obvious in Tyki's voice, and Allen froze. He didn't want anymore people knowing about him; he'd trusted one person with it, and look what happened! Allen wasn't willing to risk that again.

"And how can I get you to keep quiet about that?" Allen asked, in a low hiss. Tyki smirked.

"Well, I would, of course, like you to accompany me back home, to Noah mansion, but I wonder if you'd really be so heartless as to abandon your comrades over a secret?" Allen shook his head, simple answer: no. He might not be able to trust anyone in the world, but that didn't matter, because he wasn't going to be untrustworthy himself. He might drown in all his secrets, but he would rather have them revealed that leave the Order. He wasn't blind, he knew that the people there had high expectations for him, they considered him to be almost the incarnation of hope, and he would not abandon the world so selfishly, no matter how he felt about it.

"I thought not..."

The three exorcists watched on, each feeling differently on the situation. But, none of them could hear the exchange of words as it happened, they just saw lips moving and two enemies' movements.

Lenalee was almost as enraged as Allen, who was this Noah that he could just walk up to an exorcist, acting so familiar!? Why did it seem like he was taunting Allen? Why did it seem like he was holding something over the snow-haired boy's head? She was angry that someone would threaten to take Allen away. She wanted more than anything to kick the Noah's head in, or send him reeling into another dimension. But she also got a feeling of foreboding; this was not an exchange that could be interrupted, not just yet. She was frozen in place by that sense that this was more than just a meeting of foes, it was unexpectedly personal.

Lavi watched in horror as Tyki seemed to move closer and closer to Allen; could the child's psyche handle that? Allen hardly even blinked; he just stared back at the villain with steel in his eyes. Lavi was worried; this couldn't be good for Allen, not at all. He remembered the way Allen had snapped at his slightest touch. How could the boy stand this man being so close? And why did he seem almost used to it, as though he had built up some sort of immunity to it? The same force that held Lenalee in place held him also. He wanted so badly to take Allen away from that man, but he couldn't, this confrontation couldn't be stopped, he couldn't interfere.

Only Kanda could guess what was going on though; Allen was being blackmailed, and he was going to strike up a deal that would get everyone out of here, without any of them finding out about Allen's past the way he had. Kanda had a few very accurate guesses as to what Tyki would ask of the boy. It made him want to go out and confront the Noah himself, as he had before. That annoyed him though; he was supposed to be done with all of this. He was supposed to be through with Allen. Nothing that happened to the boy should be of any concern to him now. Still, he didn't like the idea of Allen doing anything short of leaving the Order just to keep Tyki's mouth shut. And unlike the other two, who had no idea the gravity of the situation, Kanda felt as though he could break up their little chat any time he damn well pleased, and dammit, he felt like doing so now.

Stepping forward, he unsheathed Mugen, even though he knew that it would make no difference, because he couldn't hit Tyki. Still, having the sword in hand and ready for battle made him feel so much more prepared, as though he could take the on world.

"Somehow I get the feeling that he's not agreeing to go back with you," Kanda stated, Mugen dangerously close to Tyki's throat. Tyki spared Kanda a sideways glance.

"Well then, you should also have the feeling that I do not care."

"Well I do, now leave."

Allen blinked in blatant surprise; Kanda hated him for sure, right? What on earth was wrong with him? Surely Allen was dreaming, Kanda could not be standing up for him, and protecting him as he once did, could he be? It just didn't click. And that was fine, because Kanda's actions weren't even making sense to him, if Allen could understand them it would be nothing short of a miracle.

He was forced to back away from what they all could sense was going to become a fight by Lavi, who stepped up and pulled Allen away, just as Kanda went on the offensive and attacked. Years of teasing Kanda and then dodging his blows had really paid off, he mused, for the reflexes he developed just saved Allen's life, or at least saved him from injury.

Kanda grunted in annoyance as Mugen went through Tyki with the same ease it went through air. Still, he noticed that Tyki had stepped back, as if on reflex. He assumed this was because before he was touching the boy, and it took a second or so to make himself intangible. A second which he gained with that one little step.

"This would become quite boring if I simply let you go through me until you got tired, but then I'd have to deal with two more exorcists! I'll tell you what my good man, I'll humor you," Tyki stated with an air of superiority and equanimity that annoyed Kanda to no end. Tyki's nonchalant expression melted away quickly though, as he called upon some Teez. He decided that unless he actually fought, the two would remain at a stand-still; he couldn't accomplish anything in his ethereal state. The butterfly-like golems that he called out were large, their wingspan maybe two or three feet across. Their size was a useful asset, as soon enough, they had transformed so that they were not even butterflies anymore, but two X-shaped blades.

"Blades for blades; does that work for you?"

"Che, two against one? Well, you'll need them both, because that's changing."

The eyes of enemies locked. Kanda wasted no time activating his innocence to its second level, Nigentou; Blades for Blades. A cocky smirk settled onto one face, the other's held a fierce determination. Why he was doing this he didn't know, but Kanda was going to protect Allen.

"_As long as he wants to return to the Order, I will bring him back!"_ His own words rung in his head. He had made a promise of sorts that day, and he would not go back on a promise. Everything had changed, and yet nothing had. He would use his blade to carry out his word.

**Kanda's a bit confused....sorry if he's not being consistent. This is his slowly realizing the error of his ways. Very, veeeeeeery slowly. He's really gone back to square one, full-circle, and all those other phrases. It doesn't need to make sense just yet....does it? **

**and about the spelling of Teez, that is the romanization as used by VIZ media, so Saya will use it also. Sorry if that's her being inconsistent yet again with name spellings. She just doesn't feel like going back and checking which spelling she used before, or if she mentioned the Teez at all.....lazy is she.**


	49. Confrontation

**Saya seriously wants to know why it's becoming so hard to do anything but schoolwork. Gr... She used to zone out in school and come home with more inspiration than she could turn into chapters but now her mind's dead. Did it get run over? Hit in a drive-by? Saya shall avenge the death of her mind! Or it's near-death...**

**Do you think Hoshino would have a brain so faulty?**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is a ...T-ish one again.**

**49. **Confrontation

Their blades locked with a metallic clang, screeching as the edges of the incredibly sharp weapons slid against each other.

"So, why do you protect him? What does my dear Allen mean to you?"

"I don't know, what does he mean to you?"

Tyki allowed himself to show some of his surprise. He was sure he must've heard or interpreted that wrong, because surely there was no way that this guy was... The thought was strangely aggravating to Tyki, Allen was _his _to mess with, who said anyone else could put their hands on him?

"Well if that's all he is, then you shouldn't have any problem giving him up. Surely someone like you, who's as rotten as a Noah like myself, could find another plaything."

"Che, I wouldn't say I'm as rotten as you just yet. For one he's not my plaything. You see, I have no fuckin' clue why I'm protecting him from you."

Meanwhile Allen stood with Lenalee and Lavi on the sidelines, watching the two fight it out. He hated this, not understanding anything. Why was Kanda doing what he was? Allen had expected that, considering all he had found out, Kanda would wrap him up and hand him off to Tyki like an early Christmas gift. Was there a point to confusing him so?

But more than the confusion, Allen hated how he knew Kanda was fighting a losing battle. After all, just because Tyki was allowing himself to touch the tease-blades in his hands, didn't mean he'd allow Mugen to hit him. Kanda was doing nothing more than tiring himself out, and when he couldn't fight anymore Tyki would kill him. This was pointless, Allen wanted it to stop, before Kanda got hurt too badly. Unfortunately, Lavi seemed to sense that Allen wanted to jump into the fight himself and break it up, and kept a hand on his shoulder, not holding him back or anything, but the pressure of it was enough to let him know he shouldn't interfere.

"What are you idiots waiting around for!? Get the kid out of here!" Kanda yelled over his shoulder suddenly. Anyone could tell that it annoyed him to actually have to say that. He thought it was quite obvious, he was distracting Tyki so they should run for it, why should he have to tell them that?

Lavi and Lenalee nodded, both taking Allen by the shoulders, ready to bring him along to safety. Allen's eyes widened, he didn't want to leave anyone behind with Tyki. He resisted the duo's attempts to make him move, and soon enough they had each looped an arm under his, ready to pull him away like that. Allen thrashed against them, trying to get them to let him stay.

"No! Let me stay! We can't leave anyone behind!"

"Allen we have to get you outta here!"

"I don't care! Let me stay!"

"Allen we can't stay! Kanda wants us to get you out of here!"

"I said I don't give a damn if he wants me gone! Lavi you promised you wouldn't make me do anything I didn't want to so let me stay!"

Lavi stopped dead in his tracks, he had promised not to make Allen do anything he didn't want to, but Allen was in danger here too. How could he choose between Allen's safety and his promise?

"But that Noah's gonna take you away if you stay!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

"JUST _**GO**_ WALKER!" Kanda's words made Allen stop fighting for all of a second, but that was all Lavi and Lenalee needed to get him out of there. The entire time they pulled him away, Lavi apologized profusely to Allen, who had given up the fight and was now just being dragged along silently. Kanda had really wanted to get him out of there, but why? Why was he doing anything?

Kanda knew why though, he had felt it rear its ugly head as he listened to Allen yell about wanting to stay with him. He was pretty sure that the feeling welling up in the pit of his being was called guilt. Why the hell should Allen give a damn if he chose to stay behind? Why should Allen want to stay with him as he fought? Allen had every right to just leave him to die fighting the Noah, and yet he was insisting someone stayed with him. Kanda wasn't sure he could stand hearing that much longer while he fought, he was confusing himself enough as it was, he didn't need Allen's help in that department.

000

'_This ...has taken...a bit longer than expected...'_

His breathing was heavy, this fight was taking way too long, he knew couldn't keep this up forever. As much as Kanda would've liked to have run after the rest of them had left, his pride simply wouldn't allow him to leave a fight unfinished. Still, he hated how Tyki had the upper hand; Kanda couldn't win when he couldn't make contact with the man.

Then _it_ happened. A giant hammer fell out of the sky, and who else would ride such a thing but Lavi? It nearly clipped Tyki's side as it fell, and Lavi cursed his inaccurate fall. Like anyone would be able to aim right when travailing on a hammer. But even so he had been close, and had he hit his mark, Lavi probably would've killed the Noah, or at least injured him. After all, if Tyki didn't know it was coming then he couldn't prevent himself from touching it, as had been proven before.

"And it's Lavi to your rescue, fair maiden!!"

"DON'T YOU FUCKING CALL ME THAT!"

Despite how they "greeted" each other, Lavi and Kanda made an excellent fighting pair, and things soon came to the point where Tyki simply couldn't continue to fight; if he wanted to win, he'd have to completely let his Noah side out, and that would mean losing everything. He wasn't willing to do that for the Earl's scenario, his loyalty was to himself more than anyone. He left in a flourish of tease.

"So...Why are you here?" Kanda asked, as Lavi lead the way to where Lenalee was keeping Allen. "I didn't... need your help."

"Oh come on Yuu! You have no idea how much arguing it took before Allen would let me come back to help you! Geez, the kid really wanted to come back himself, it took forever for me to convince him to let me go instead! Be grateful for all the work I've done!" Lavi ranted, pouting and crossing his arms. Kanda gave him a sideways glance, before staring at the road ahead. He didn't want to hear it, any of it. He didn't want to hear about people being concerned over him, he didn't need their concern, he didn't want it, especially not Allen's.

The pair walked in silence, as horrible and uncomfortable as that was. Still, it was better than risking conversation at the moment, talking seemed like a dangerous thing to do. Even so, neither of them were doing well with the silence.

"Why'd you do it?" Lavi asked, the question pounding on the inside of his brain, begging to be asked.

"Why'd I do what?" There were quite a few things that Kanda had done recently that would warrant that question. He got the distinct feeling that Lavi was headed towards a certain subject though, one he really didn't want to deal with at the moment.

"Why would you hurt that kid so much?"

Kanda ground his teeth, his lips curling into a scowl. "Che, if you're not involved then don't stick your nose into it."

"Well I am involved you idiot! I warned you before not to do anything to him! And you know who found him freezing and suicidal on the roof?! Me. I think I'm pretty damned involved, seeing as I'm trying to keep the kid alive, and you seem to want him dead!"

"Do you think I care how it seems to you?! Just get out of this whole thing now. After all, you're only supposed to observe, nothing more."

Lavi had to stop himself from punching Kanda, to bring up his role as a bookman at this time was a really low blow because Lavi could say nothing against it. Kanda was right, he wasn't supposed to care, and he wasn't supposed to help. The two walked the rest of the way to their meeting place in silence, with Lavi looking to the ground with an air of angry cynicism.

000

Lenalee and Allen sat in an empty warehouse, waiting uneasily for Lavi and Kanda to return. Lenalee shifted uncomfortably, the ground was cold and hard, but more than physical discomfort it was her mind that refused to settle. Allen had mentioned something about a promise to Lavi, what was he talking about? And why would he make such a promise? Why would he need to? Allen should know that no one in the Order would force him into anything... right? What was it that she was being left out of? She twisted the fabric of her dress.

"U-um... Allen... before... you said that Lavi... promised you something. What was that about?" Allen's insides froze over for a minute; she didn't need to know this.

"It was nothing, don't worry about it," he replied, smiling. Lenalee had to look away, if she didn't she'd loose her nerve.

"I never said I was worried."

"Lenalee, I know you well enough to know when you're worried." His voice was gentle, and somewhat laughing, as though it were silly of her to assume he wouldn't noticed every little hint she gave to her mood.

"Allen, please don't keep your problems in for my sake, I want to help you."

"Lenalee..." Allen started, he didn't want to be having this conversation, but he couldn't let himself get angry with her. She really only had his best interest in mind. "I don't want to keep them in, but sometimes I have to. I can't rely on you for everything," he said, adding a reassuring smile to the mix, just as Lenalee looked back to him. He'd won, and he knew it.

'_Wait...am I getting manipulative? My god I'm manipulating her through her emotions.' _

Just as suddenly as Lavi had realized that Allen liked Kanda, Allen realized that Lenalee liked him. He suddenly felt extremely sick with himself, how could he do that to her? It wasn't fair to use his false smiles to stop her worrying, to stunt her curiosity. It was practically the same thing as leading her on. The same way he had been...

His mind came back to the subject of Kanda, who was currently not in their midst. Lavi had gone after him. Were they both alright? How could they win against Tyki? What if they had both been killed? What if Tyki was searching for him now and he and Lenalee were just sitting around? What if-

Allen heard footsteps, which stopped his thinking and his heart for a second.

"Well don't you look happy to see us?" Allen sighed, it was Lavi. Lavi and ...

"Kanda... you look dreadful! You too Lavi!" Lenalee said, fussing over the number of wounds on the two boys. Lavi didn't seem to mind her taking care of him, but Kanda insisted on dressing his own wounds. Allen felt pretty useless as he just sat and watched, Lenalee didn't need his help, and like hell he was going to help wrap Kanda's wounds. Helping him would mean being close to him, touching him. Allen didn't want to be within arm's length of the other man. Still, it was exceptionally hard to stop himself from watching.

Kanda could feel Allen's gaze, despite how the child tried to keep his eyes averted. It troubled him, his mind was still in too much chaos, there were still too many things swirling around, ravaging his mentality like a tornado. He wished Allen would stop, but at the same time he didn't want to call attention to the fact that the boy was.

He looked through a curtain of black bangs, his eyes meeting Allen's. The boy's widened like a dear's, but he didn't look away, it was like he couldn't. No, like he was waiting for the order to. Kanda didn't like that, he didn't like how Allen was acting. One would think that wouldn't matter by now, he never had liked the way Allen acted, ever, why_ should_ it matter now? This way of being was particularly perturbing because Kanda had caused it, that was why.

Kanda did the only thing he could think to do at the time, he glared. Allen took that as his cue to look away, training his eyes on the floor. Now it was Kanda's turn to watch him, it seemed. Allen's gaze went from the floor to the space in front of him. Those normally clear, gray-blue orbs were clouded and unusually blank. They were the eyes of a person who didn't see anything before him. Kanda could hardly stand that blank face anymore, it was too familiar. He had actually enjoyed forcing Allen into a void state of mind before. He looked away, choosing not to think about it anymore.

**Yes, Kanda is still in the process of realizing the error of his ways. But, as they say, it gets worse before it gets better. (Or is it the other way around? Or does it go both ways?) You know, Saya finds it funny to think, at the beginning of this story, she didn't even think about the word count. When she did start caring about it, her goal was 1000 words per chapter. Now, 40-something odd chapters later, Saya's goal is double that, and it only takes her about an hour or so longer than before to write each chapter. Yeah, you'd be surprised to learn how long it takes to write these bite-sized chapters. But really, it's just Saya's slow typing and the fact that more than half the time she's staring blankly at the screen. **


	50. Chapel

**Ya know.... There's something about writing this twisted tale that's just so satisfying... -basks in the glory of starting another chapter- shouldn't she bask after she's **_**done**_** with the chapter? hm....oh well -basks- **

**HAPPY GOLDEN ANNIVERSARY BLACK WORLD WASHED WHITE! -opens champagne bottle-**

**Come on, this is chapter 50! You all know Saya doesn't own.....-positively giddy-**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is a ...T-M because....well because! **

**50.** Chapel

He was exhausted, they all were. After a long day and a half of traveling, they had reached their home in foggy old London. The Black Order tower looked ominous in the gray-silver sky, but for some reason, that dark presence was comforting to the exorcists who returned to it mission after mission.

Lenalee had eagerly offered to give their report to Komui, it didn't take much for the others to figure out she just wanted to sit and talk with her brother alone. No one objected to her doing so; they didn't want to deal with a report, and they didn't want to interfere with the sibling's reunion.

Allen wasn't paying attention to where he was going, but in his fatigue he somehow managed to stumble into his own room. Looking around, he realized how barren his room was. He hated it, it was just as empty and lackluster as the room he'd occupied in Antwerp. His stomach turned just thinking of that place. He was supposed to have left that room behind, with all its twisted memories. He lay down on his bed, staring at the ceiling, hoping that the knot in his stomach would go away.

He decided that he'd do something about this place, because at the moment, all that made this room different from his previous was the picture of a crying clown carrying a black coffin. It didn't need to be much, a book here, a photo there; he had quite the collection of knick-knacks too, little things he'd bought or stolen for himself during his travels with Cross, like souvenirs from all the places he'd seen. Maybe he's let the place clutter up a bit, so it felt like someone lived there, and not like a sterile hospital morgue. It wasn't like he wasn't allowed to let his room show some personality, right?

But that was the thing, was he allowed to have a personality that was all his own, was he allowed to deviate from what people wanted him to be? Sure, others were allowed to express their individuality, but they weren't Allen. People expected him to be a certain way, he was supposed to be their shining light, and he was supposed to carry them through this war as a beacon of hope. Allen Walker was the Destroyer of Time, he was expected to be something larger than life, some great savior that he could never really be. Was he allowed to give any hint to the fact that they all perceived him inaccurately? Could he let them know that their hopes for him were crushing him? That they weighed too heavily on his small shoulders? Was he allowed to be anything less than what the people of the Order expected of him?

Allen heard the click of the door and tensed; he didn't want anyone in his room, it was claustrophobic enough in there with just himself. By the time Kanda had stepped into his field of vision, Allen had already guessed it was him. How had he known that the first time wouldn't be the last? It didn't matter though, because this wouldn't be the end of it either, he knew.

Cynicism overcame him; it was a kind of self-defense. He knew how the world was, and he knew what to expect; things didn't hurt so much when one expected them, when one was ready for them. Allen sat up slowly, taking his gaze off the ceiling. Looking towards Kanda, he simply waited for him to come, as he knew the older boy would. Kanda raised an eyebrow; if it weren't for the flashes of fear that kept running over Allen's eyes, he could've taken the boy for eager. And Allen was afraid, but he expected it and fear hurt less too, when one expected it.

Kanda walked over to Allen's bed, putting his knees down on either side of Allen's legs. His head was now a good foot or so higher than the child's, so he looked down. Allen's eyes were slowly becoming more blank; it was like watching someone's eyes as they die, only in slow motion.

"You've confused me Walker," he said simply. Allen gave a jaded smile that belonged on more to an experienced street whore than to the supposedly innocent Allen Walker.

"Which is exactly why you're here."

Allen had hit right on the mark, and Kanda, deciding that it was no longer necessary to talk, stole Allen's lips, ready to ravage the child once again.

It was almost sad how Allen had fallen so quickly back to his old routine of losing himself. He hadn't needed to do that for years, but now he found it was all too easy. He wondered if he had truly held such distrust for everyone, so much that he wouldn't let go of such a shameful defense mechanism.

Just like before, he was simply letting his mind wander. He would think about anything, anything but the pain that shot through his body, and the face that hovered over his.

But mostly, he would concentrate oh his memories, specifically the ones of Mana. Allen had never found a place in the world he'd thought safer than his father's embrace. Not the Black Order, not with Cross, nowhere was as safe as where Mana was. And now, Mana was in his memories, so that was the safest place for Allen's mind to be.

Heck, if his mind wasn't there, then his body could indulge in all the carnality it wanted. But Allen wouldn't remember, because he wouldn't really be there. Then Kanda would leave, as he had before and would undoubtedly do again, leaving Allen to slowly come back into his body, so that he could realize yet again that he wasn't safe, that he wasn't happily in the past, and that he'd been violated yet again. Then he could cry all he wanted, thinking "At least I didn't break in front of Kanda."

000

Kanda left Allen's room with mixed emotions; this was wrong, and he knew it. It was only supposed to be a one-time thing; he wasn't supposed to have anything to do with the snow-haired exorcist after that one time. His sadistic feeling of accomplishment had worn off, as it inevitably would've, and left confusion in its wake. So he had to go back to the start now, he had to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. It seemed he'd need to hurt Allen more to do that.

Still, for all of that he knew it was just a temporary escape, this wouldn't make things right, he was just digging a hole for himself. He was going to get in too deep, he was being foolish. Why couldn't he stop himself after just that one time? Why couldn't he banish the confusion? Why couldn't he just set himself straight without using some long, round-about way to do it?

000

Lavi didn't miss it, the next day at breakfast. He didn't miss the change in Allen. He was losing his shine; Allen's light had dulled yet again. Lavi didn't need more than one guess to know what had happened. But Allen was in a public place at the moment, Lavi couldn't offer to be his shoulder to cry on here, maybe when they were alone again. He didn't care that he wasn't supposed to care, he couldn't just leave Allen alone, he couldn't let that dying flame be extinguished. He needed Allen to become happy as much as Allen needed to release his sadness.

He sat across from the younger exorcist, watching with an amazed look as Allen plowed through the food on his plate. It took a while before Allen became aware of his presence, and he could tell it took much will power to stop himself from jumping.

"Lavi, hey," he said simply, before returning back to his food. Lavi waited, he knew that Allen was going to need his support at some point; he was just waiting until Allen decided to say he did.

"Hey Lavi, wanna head to the Library after this?" Allen asked his false smile firmly in place. His eyes sent the message that he was desperate for someone to talk to.

"That might not be the best place, unless you're looking for an audience," Lavi replied, thinking of how Bookman all but lived in the Order's library.

"The old chapel then, every time I go there, I get the feeling I'm the only one who uses it anymore." Lavi nodded, and he waited until Allen was ready to leave for the chapel.

000

Allen walked through the aisle calmly, in no rush to reach the front of the church. Lavi wondered how the boy could stand it in there, the air was stagnant, and dust made it hard to breath. The only light in the giant room came from the glass-stained window at the front, a 50-foot tribute to the virgin Mary and the baby Jesus she held. The sun should've been out by now, but the skies were covered with angry clouds, a storm would be coming soon. It cast the room in an eerie, dark shadow that made the chapel seem almost menacing.

"You know... it's a sad day when an organization founded in religion doesn't even use it's chapel anymore," Allen started, as he stopped and sat in the front row of pews. Lavi looked at the benches he passed; they were covered in a clearly visible layer of dust. The floors were too, he could actually see the places where Allen's feet had disrupted the dry particles from their resting place.

"You can tell I'm the only one who uses this place anymore. That's funny, in a way, because I'm probably the one who cares the least. We call ourselves God's servants, we say we're saving the world in his name, but really, we exorcists don't care. It's not really about doing it for God; we do it because we care about this world so much. Still, as long as his work gets done, I suppose that doesn't matter." Allen spoke in a hollow tone, like he didn't really care about what he was saying. "Still, I come here because I don't care, but I need to. I need to feel that there's some reason why I have to be something so great. I need to think that there's a being out there that has some sort of plan for me, that I haven't just lived through everything I have for nothing."

Lavi could only partially understand this. He knew of Allen's role as the Destroyer of Time, he knew the child was expected to save the world or whatever, and he knew that Kanda was not helping whatever depression issues he had. Still, he couldn't help but feel that there was a part of this puzzle that he was missing, a huge chunk in the middle. There was some past that held too much pain for him to reveal, and the only clue anyone had to this past was a single name that came up anytime Allen chose to talk about his life before the Order, and before Cross, something he didn't do often. "Mana," the man who'd found and raised him. That was all anyone knew of Allen, that some guy named Mana had raised him, the rest was a mystery.

000

Lenalee walked on her way to her brother's office, she had been alerted to the fact that he had been lost in a sea of paperwork after a few of the towers of papers he had around his room had fallen and knocked each other over like dominos. On her way there she had to pass the chapel. It always frightened her somewhat, because the doors were intimidating, large and foreboding, even though it was a place of God.

Also, even when walking by, she could feel the unexplainable feelings of sadness of the building, as though everyone's unanswered prayers fell to the chapel. It was in disuse, or it had been. But that was only until Allen came, then she noticed that even when the entire door was faded and looked untouched, the handles of them shone, as though someone were cleaning them. The same affect could most likely be gained if someone with gloves constantly used that room. She knew Allen was the only one to use the chapel, but somehow, that made her want to go there even less. It was his place.

But today when she went by, instead of the doors being tightly shut, they were left slightly ajar. Her curiosity got the best of her, and she peaked in, the door made no noise as she opened it wide enough to poke her head into the musty room. She could hear voices, and she looked to the front of the chapel, the unmistakable white hair of Allen shone even in the dim lighting; Lavi was beside him. She didn't know why, but she felt like eavesdropping. Lenalee had always found that distasteful, but she couldn't help it.

"... I need to think that there's a being out there that has some sort of plan for me, that I haven't just lived through everything I have for nothing. When I don't think that way, I realize how much I hate this place, because if there isn't a God then I've lived through hell for nothing, and in that case I'd rather die, and take a few people to hell with me."

Lenalee covered her mouth, had Allen really said that? His voice had been so venomous, she didn't want to believe it but she didn't have a choice. Allen meant it when he said he hated the Order, she was sure.

'_But why then? If he hates it here so much....why does he smile?'_

Lenalee slid back out of the room quickly, and without meaning to shut the door.

Allen stood suddenly, and Lavi whipped his head back, they'd both heard the door shut.

"Shit... someone was here," Allen mumbled, and quickly headed for the door, hoping to at least find out who it was he was going to have to be careful of from now on. He would have no such luck.

Lavi just sat there. Now that Allen was gone, he could let his words hit him with full-force. He had not been expecting to have such a conversation. Actually, he'd been somewhat expecting Allen to break down on him again, but then he did really; he just didn't have the kind of break down Lavi expected. But he decided that Allen probably needed to speak about his hate, if he ever wanted to let it go. Still, Allen's execration seemed to steam from something he wasn't going to ever learn about, Lavi wasn't sure that he could handle finding out the full extent of the young boy's misanthropy.

**wow, Chapter 50 ended on a ..... kinda strange note. Oh well, it worked. Allen's gonna have a right horrid time with knowing that someone over-heard him, but not knowing who. And just so you know, those people he'd like to bring to hell with him are the Earl and Tyki, not Kanda :3.** **Weeee for Saya! This is her longest chapter yet (even though it seems short)! Which is perfect, considering is chapter 50 and all! -basks-**


	51. Don't Smile

**Ugh. In all of ten minutes of walking home in the rain (it wasn't even that heavy, though she was soaked through by the time she got home) she managed to catch a cold...ugh. But still, rainy days are so nice and cozy... :3**

**Saya owns nothing but a bunch of bad pathogens. **

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is a ...**

**51.** Don't Smile

Lenalee Lee watched with hidden anger as Allen went about daily life at the Order, not but a day after she had heard him admit to hating it. He was so damned happy looking, no one would believe that smile could be fake, not unless they knew.

She didn't get it, why was he smiling if he wasn't happy? Why was he polite and courteous to people he hated? Why did he just act like some perfect child and allow people to like him, to love him, when he considered everything a living hell? Where's the sense!?

Lenalee was hurting, she felt betrayed, lied to, manipulated, angry, confused, used. She had loved him for such a long time, and she had hoped that Allen didn't notice. It had seemed like he didn't, but now how could she be sure? Had he known all this time, and just pretended to be oblivious? Was he just stringing her along, waiting for some time when he could use her affections to fuel some hidden agenda? Or was he really just that dense, despite how hateful he was?

Why did Allen pretend to be what he wasn't? If things were so horrible to him, why had he let things bottle up to such a point? Why had he not confided in her, like she had asked him to do over and over again?

Lenalee avoided Allen to the best of her abilities, keeping herself so busy with errands that she hardly had a moment to catch her breath between jobs. She refused to take a break, or slow down. She wanted to outrun Allen, in a sense, if he was somewhere she was, she'd be out of the room before he could realize she was present at all.

Still, Allen was on high alert himself, carefully watching for anyone who treated him any differently from any other day. He'd catch the person who had heard him even if it killed him, no way he'd let someone walk around having heard God-knows how much of his conversation. It's not like he intended to hurt anyone, but he wanted to just straight out talk to the person, and explain some things, before something happened and he ended up trapped in some horrid predicament he didn't feel like dealing with. Lenalee's blatant avoidance was all he needed to know that she was the one he needed to track down.

Damn the Dark Boot's wearer though, for even without her innocence activated, she was still the fastest person in the Order by far, and Allen gave up on trying to find her and follow, instead he decided to try and predict her movements. His first instinct was to wait for her outside of Komui's office, or near the area, because she was his attendant, who faithfully brought him coffee every hour on the hour. Well, nearly, anyways. Still, he was aware that being too near to Komui when he confronted Lenalee would be a bad idea. Besides, he'd prefer to speak of this matter in private, though it didn't seem like a private place existed in the Order anymore.

So he waited in the corridor that would inevitably bring the young girl to Komui, coffee in hand. When he saw her coming, he simply shifted into the shadows until she came back out of the Supervisor's office.

"Hey Lenalee, it seems like I haven't seen you all day!" He said cheerfully as she came out of the office, he'd have to do some acting, if he wanted to get her alone so they could talk. She jumped when hearing his voice, and turned to his approaching form slowly. He was smiling his usual innocent smile, she only now noticed how it didn't touch his eyes. How had he hidden such a fact for so long?

His happy face and empty smile infuriated her, how dare he mock her like that?! With such a sweetly deceiving smile that she knew was just a facade, did he still think she was the fool she had been just a day before? When he had reached her at last, her faced twisted into a deep scowl, and her eyes showed her anger. Allen feigned surprise and confusion, he'd been expecting this reaction though, you always knew where you stood with Lenalee. When she was pissed, you knew it, and he had gone into this little venture knowing that he'd have to face her wrath.

She let out a small, angry growl, before raising her hand and slapping him hard across the face. The sound vibrated through the semi-crowded halls. It took Allen a few seconds to turn his face back to her, his cheek stung horribly now. "ALLEN YOU JERK!" she yelled, not wanting to hold in her fury. She then turned on her heel and stomped down the hall, leaving Allen to stare at her retreating figure as he was starred at by the workers in the hallway.

"Dear God Allen, what did you do?" Reever asked, looking over at Allen in bewilderment.

"Huh...W-wait! LENALEE!" He ran after her, glad that she herself wasn't running from him, he'd never catch her then. Luckily, she seemed to have the same thing in mind he had, getting to a secluded place. Up and up many flights of stairs she went, going just slow enough to stay in Allen's sights. They finally reached the roof, Allen completely out of breath from practically sprinting up ten or so flights of stairs. Actually, it'd probably been much more than that, but it was impossible to keep track of stairs when in the Black Order castle, there were too many.

"Holy Akuma... you really ...couldn't just slow down ...huh?" Allen asked through pants, desperately hoping Lenalee would give him a chance to get himself together before she started demanding answers to whatever questions she had. Or maybe she could go on some tirade and he could try and listen the best he could while catching his breath, or tune her out a bit.

"No." She simply said, and waited patiently for him to prepare himself for her anger. Allen finally caught his breath, and waited for Lenalee to start chewing him out, yelling, crying, or whatever she intended to do.

"Why do you go out and smile, and act so nice everyday, if you hate the Order so much?" She asked simply, wanting to know so badly why his smile had to be fake. "Why?! Are you just playing us all for fools? Why do you hate everyone here so much, when all we all care so much about you?"

"So you really were the one to hear all that?" Allen asked, though it was more of a statement. His voice was cold, devoid of emotion. He looked towards the floor, but Lenalee could see that his face was probably twisted into a frightening grimace. Then he looked up, all sunshine and daisies. "Well let's just pretend you didn't hear it, you can keep a secret, right?" He asked, a smile forcing itself onto his face out of habit, he always smiled at Lenalee. This only made her more angry, and she slapped him again, harder this time.

"DON'T YOU DARE SMILE! Don't you smile at me Allen Walker, not when you don't mean it!" She raged, deciding that the next time he did, she'd kick him. His false smile was an Akuma, she had to knock it off his face.

Allen looked back at her, this time without his usual smile. His face was smooth, and non-expressive. It was a face she'd never seen on him before. "Fine, I won't." He said simply, deciding to save his face from anymore abuse. "Good, now answer my questions." She demanded, daring him to hide something from her.

"Why do I act so nice, that was your first one, right? Well it's simple, because it makes things easier, and it's what people expect. After all, the great Destroyer of Time can't be a jerk, because he's supposed to save the world, and then some. We all do what people expect of us, it's a hard thing not to do."

"And that's it?"

"Well, I am also completely ashamed of my pathetic dark side."

_gee, he sure sounds ashamed._

"Your next question was why I'm such a hateful little savior, right?"

"Don't get snarky with me."

_I feel like I'm being scolded by my mother or something!_

"I hate the Order because nearly the moment I got here, I was forced to take on everyone's expectations, because you all force them on me. Don't act like you never have Lenalee. What did you think I was before you heard me in the Chapel? Seriously, did you take me for someone who'd say a bad word about anyone but Kanda?" he asked with sneer, he wasn't stupid, he knew that of all the people around, she was probably the one who saw him as a saint more than anyone else.

Lenalee looked away, embarrassed. It was the truth, before she had always looked at him as though he were perfection in a tight-fitting vest with a cute British accent. She'd admired how he was so willing to do anything for their cause, and she was certain he really would be able to save the world, because Allen was amazing. But "Allen" was a lie.

"I didn't exactly have room to be myself here, because in the end, my goals are the same as theirs. I really _do_ want to save the Akuma, I really _do_ want to get rid of the Earl and those Noahs. I've been here long enough to know that the Order's people are hopeless most of the time. And then two-faced little me came along, the disciple of the great and mighty Cross, and then turns out to be some prophesiedsavior. I was the perfect person to make their hope, and even though I hate having so many people look to me that way, I'll be their hope, because they need it."

It was safe to say that Lenalee didn't completely understand. And how could she, she'd never had anyone think of her in such high regards as the people of the Order thought of Allen. She didn't know how it felt to be crushed under people's expectations, what it felt like to carry people's hope. Allen knew she wouldn't understand, and turned to leave. "Now that you've got your answers, please, just keep quiet about what you heard." He said, before moving towards the door that would lead back into the building.

"No...no wait Allen!" she called, grabbing his shoulder. he tensed for a moment, still uncomfortable with people touching him, before looking back at her. "Why wont you just keep it quiet, Lenalee? Did I hurt you that much?"

"N-no you idiot! I just don't want you to go is all! Listen, I'll probably never be able to understand exactly what it is that you feel, but please, please, I'm begging you, don't keep it in anymore. When the day comes that you can't tell Lavi something, or anyone else ... please tell me, please let me do something to help you."

Allen's eyes went wide at her request, before a small smile crept onto his face, as much as he tried to stop it. It had a sad tinge to it, but there was something so authentic about it that Lenalee couldn't help but stare. He nodded yes, "I will Lenalee, so be ready for it." He said, before moving for the door again, Lenalee let him go this time.

Allen felt it yet again, a little something pulling at his heartstrings, telling him that it was ok to trust this person with a little bit of himself. He was starting to think he was a complete idiot though, why had he held everything in for so long, when there were people who wanted to help him carry his burden? Sure, he wouldn't tell them everything, he knew he never could again, but still, he didn't need to keep everything a secret.

Still, Allen knew, as much as Lenalee and Lavi wanted to melt his frozen heart, there was only one person who could do that, and he seemed intent on keeping it iced over forever.

000

Bookman had been worried ever since the four exorcists returned to the Order. He'd spotted it immediately, they all had clouds hanging over their hearts. Kanda and Lenalee had been wrapped in confusion, Lavi had been worried and overly cautious, and Allen, well, it was no surprise to see that he was all but overwhelmed by the aura of depression and anger that he always had, but now it seemed magnified, and laden with cynicism and the will to stay secluded. He had decided to write this in with his notes about their mission.

But Bookman was more concerned with Lavi, he had changed, and not in a way that bookmen should. He watched as Lavi wrote away in his log, writing about all the travelling day's occurrences, and Bookman could tell that Lavi was worried also, for when Lavi was worried, he tended to concentrate more on his task, because he needed to concentrate more to get it done. Usually, his pen would fly over the paper, but today he thought carefully over what to write.

The old man had a hunch as to why Lavi was suddenly acting so strangely too. Lavi had finally let his affections toward Allen grow too much. Bookman could sense that over the last three days, over the past half year, Allen had undergone something painful, and he was relying on Lavi to help him vent. That was fine with Bookman, because it meant more information on the snow-haired boy. But he couldn't have Lavi interfering with whatever it was that was bothering Allen, history needs to run it's course.

"Lavi." He said, making Lavi snap to attention. "You're letting yourself get too attached." Bookman said simply, and Lavi understood immediately what he was talking about. "Don't get involved any more than you have. Let the boy talk, but don't interfere."

Lavi looked down for a moment, he knew that he couldn't help Allen, he knew that he wasn't supposed to, but even so he wanted to. He'd like nothing more than to punch Kanda square in the jaw and tell him to leave Allen alone, that Allen had suffered more than enough. But Bookman was warning him not to do that, he was warning him against any further actions.

"Dammit. I know that's what I'm supposed to do, but I..."

"No buts, no matter what's troubling Allen, you can't do more than you have, understand?" Lavi nodded, resigned. He was a bookman, he had no choice but to keep himself at a distance, and the old Panda was just reminding him that.

_I'm just glad that's all I promised Allen anyways..._

**Ah...this chapter...something about it didn't sit right with Saya. Hm. It's probably because she thought most of it up when she was half-asleep, like usual, but she was so tired that she couldn't get herself to write it down, so when she tired to remember what she'd thought up, it came out quite distorted. Oh well, next chapter is a lovely time skip! **


	52. After All

**Ehe...hi. Not much to say here, again. Wow, its sad... Saya's running out of things to ramble about. On second thought it isn't really that sad... so, who thinks Saya should wear the french maid costume to school for her french project? xD that was totally her mother's idea...believe it or not. Remember the time-skip!**

**Saya owns nothing but Kanda's sexy gay man pants :3**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is M, for stuff, though it's not really like...bad.**

52. After All

A year had passed since that night when they had returned home, and Kanda still visited Allen's room at night, whenever it suited his fancy. Allen had once again become accustomed to constant violation; he no longer felt the need to resist, he became emotionless, just looking away with a cynical, twisted smile on his face, as if this was just another curse he had no choice in baring.

Sometime's he'd find solace on a mission without Kanda, or whenever Kanda had missions of his own. But whenever Allen wasn't around, Kanda was always more ill-tempered, and people noticed. Kanda convinced himself it was because he didn't have anyone to take his frustrations out on.

But even these missions, which were something of a vacation in a way, seemed to be coming less and less. One would think that with the Earl on the move as he was, the Order wouldn't let anyone off the battlefield, never mind an exorcist. But they were being cautious, trying to send Allen out as little as possible without completely throwing the boy into disuse. Allen was still the Earl's target, and if he wasn't anymore, well then he hadn't been on the field enough to find out. He hated being cooped up though, he hated feeling useless, restless. His innocence begged him to save souls, and his eye begged to see them. It annoyed Allen even more when none of his friends, or even Kanda was around, because then he _really_ had nothing to do.

The inhabitants misinterpreted Kanda and Allen's irritation, though. They fancied that the two were secretly together, which was true enough, though they were assuming that more than confusion and carnality were behind the act. Only one thing hinted to them that something was amiss, something they didn't want to see, but was becoming more and more visible with each day: Allen's smile. It wasn't so innocent anymore, his cynicism was starting to overpower his will to act happy. It no longer held any naïvety either, because now Allen was anything but naïve. He knew now that it was foolish to believe that there was really anywhere safe left in the world, he knew this so well that he couldn't even be bothered to fake his old naïvity.

Allen couldn't stand this! He was constantly being used as a stress toy by Kanda, but what about him? Between practically being under house (tower?) arrest and Kanda's night time visits, as well as the fact that Lenalee and Lavi were off on more missions than they could handle, (another reason for himself to be out in the field, in Allen's not-so-humble opinion), Allen had no escape from any of it, no way to vent. And though knocking around Akuma on the few missions he did get helped, it wasn't nearly enough. And he could train to his heart's content, but that doesn't help anyone when he couldn't go out and fight the real thing, it just left the training grounds in ruins that some poor soul had to fix up.

000

Kanda trained in the forests, and despite the cold, his long hair stuck to his sweaty back and face. He was very irritated that the number of missions he had been going on was decreasing. Actually, the number wasn't going down, but the length of them was. Did they think he was no longer competent? The very idea irritated him to no end. This all left him with too much time in the tower, along with that one other soul doomed to have too much spare time.

Just the thought of the younger boy confused him to the point on anger, though that didn't take much. But it was a tiring fury, and soon enough he was snarling irately and tugging the blindfold from his eyes, sitting on the cold ground with his back to a tree trunk.

_Just calm down, and go inside to get something to eat._

Kanda took his time calming himself, he seemed to be flying off the handle over the smallest things lately, and the worst part was, that it was usually he who made himself so angry. He got up finally, ready to go eat dinner, seeing as it was getting late, about the time that people would be slowly leaving the dining hall, which of course meant less people to bother him. But walking to the dining hall around dinner meant finding the Moyashi. And they did indeed cross paths; Allen was bringing his dishes back up as Kanda was giving his order. Kanda really couldn't help but steal a glance at Allen.

Allen looked down, in an almost shy gesture though if anything it was one of shame. Allen wished Kanda wouldn't look at him, it reminded him of all the changes that had taken place. There had been a time, it seemed so long ago, when if Kanda looked at him, he'd look him straight in the eyes, daring Kanda to so much as tch at him. But know, he didn't feel like Kanda's equal, not the way he had back then. He felt-he _knew_- that he was inferior, a plaything, subordinate to Kanda's will. He continued to live with it though, not even struggling against it, not giving his acceptance of the situation a second thought.

Oh how Kanda hated what he had made Allen into, he loathed it so much, but couldn't stop himself from making it worse. He wished Allen would push him away, make him leave, make him stop! He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he just couldn't stop. It was like he was addicted to something, but which part of this whole mess was so addicting? The sex? He didn't think so, because if that was the case, any street whore would suffice, and he would have to hurt Allen so much. Maybe it was the pain he was inflicting on the other, knowing that he controlled it? Or maybe, it was Allen himself? A body, still small despite his age, littered with battle scars, bite marks, self-inflicted wounds... A soul that slipped from it's shell with indescribable ease, alluring in how impossible it was to captivate.

If he could, he would turn back time, or he'd make Allen forget, he'd stop this from ever happening. If he had known the repercussions of his actions would be this great and last so long, he would've just killed Allen while his rage still burnt brightly, instead of sending them both into this spiraling confusion.

000

Allen was surprised that Kanda had been the one to break out of their routine. Usually, Allen wouldn't even be able to regulate his breathing before Kanda was gone, but even as he sat up and looked into dark eyes questioningly, Kanda did not leave, or make any move to.

"Why?" Kanda asked, he could only stand this for so long, and since he was oh-so-helpless to stop it, he wanted to know why Allen wouldn't. Allen, however, didn't quite get the question; his mind wasn't working on the same problem as Kanda's was right now.

"Why... what?"

"Why do you continue to let me do this, even when I can see that it hurts you?"

_He doesn't even lock his door! the least bit of discouragement would really help._

Allen thought this over for a moment, surely, there was some solid, actual reason why he was making things so easy. So it had happened to him before, but so what? He feared this kind of situation more than anything, he should've tried harder to make sure it never happened again. He wasn't comfortable with this situation, and he wasn't exactly consenting (though he wasn't saying no anymore either), and yet he clung to Kanda as he was taken, leaving angry red marks that healed not even a moment later.

He realized the answer was easy to find, he just had to think back, back to the beginning. It was still there too, why he even had to think he didn't know.

"Because...I... you knew...maybe you don't remember but...you knew the answer once, I'm sure."

"_What's the point of doing things _this_ way?"_

"_Simple, because this way hurts you the most."_

"Because I've always cared, I've always wanted you near me... I've wanted your acknowledgment, your trust, everything. I never even blamed you for anything...not really... it was my fault to begin with."

At this point, Allen's expression went from continually darkening, to something strange, something akin to a leer, like some abstract part of his mind was saying "I know something you don't know."

"You don't even realize it though, well, maybe you might've, considering your question, but you've been the one who was trapped for a long time now, haven't you? I've wanted you closer, and without thinking about the consequences, you forced yourself as close to me as anyone's ever been, and on so many levels. Now it's you who wants to leave, but you can't, because you've forged a bond from a million known and unknown emotions and cant escape the chains you've made. In the end... you are mine as much as I'm yours. And though this isn't the way I really wanted things, you're here with me now, aren't you?"

Kanda blinked a few times as the realization sunk in; maybe, just maybe, Allen had been the spider in that damned metaphor the entire time. On a separate note, Allen was willing to go to some rather extreme lengths just to get a semblance of what he wanted.

"You once told me that you'd rather die than have your choices taken away, whatever happened to that?" Kanda asked, the question coming to mind quite suddenly, but it was definitely something that needed to be asked.

"...don't make me say it." Allen said, looking rather delectable as a soft pink crossed his face and he averted his eyes.

An eyebrow was raised, and a light smirk came to the older teen's face. He decided that it was time for him to return to his own room, and rose slowly off the bed, making the proper adjustments to his clothing before leaving.

000

He walked down the halls, more than a bit shocked. He didn't know wether to laugh or be angry, who would've thought that he was the one being strung along this whole time? It was most ironic how he had played into Allen's hands.

Kanda could hardly understand it though, why on earth would anyone go to such lengths just to have him near them? He wasn't exactly the cuddliest thing around. What emotion could possibly make Allen think that it was worth it, to let himself be desecrated, just to be near him?

He leaned against the wall, it was hard and cold as it pressed into his shoulder. He shook his head minutely, a barely-there smile creeping onto his lips. To be so highly valued even when his goal had been to be hated? Such a strange turn of events.

"_...don't make me say it."_

Kanda only needed to think about Allen's first answer to figure out what the second should be. Allen was alive because he was finally close to him; after all it would be quite foolish to give up such a chance to make his wishes a reality.

_that Moyashi...that damn Moyashi is too strange for me to comprehend._

He laughed silently in the hall, deciding that maybe this wasn't all so bad after all, and that he shouldn't be angry. Allen cared about him to the point where his own comfort and his own mentally were disregarded, as long as Kanda came to see him.

_It wouldn't be so bad, _he thought, _maybe I could make this work...somehow. If he cares about me so much, the least I could do is return the favor._

It wouldn't be so bad, not at all. It wouldn't be so bad if he loved Allen, after all, he had spent most of his life searching for him.

000

Lavi and Lenalee trudged wearily into the Black Order Tower, both extremely tired after a rather tragic mission in Tibet. So many casualties, and not one piece of innocence. Still, they tired not to think about it as they went their separate ways, Lenalee to Komui's office, and Lavi to the records room/his bedroom.

He really wanted to check on Allen though, it'd been about a month since he'd last been to the tower, and his mind was running in circles thinking of all sorts of horrible new developments.

_well the records room isn't toooooooo far from Allen's...I think I'll just take a little detour..._

He was not expecting to find Kanda in the hall, leaning against the wall when he turned the corner. He quickly hid behind the corner, peeking over to see what Kanda was doing. He seemed to be...laughing? Holy mother of Akuma Kanda was laughing!? And with...a smile? His face hadn't broken?

Kanda looked to the ceiling, his eyes not really seeing what was in above him. "Well, I guess it's time to stop messing things up and make this work, huh?" He spoke to no one, but Lavi still had to stop himself from jumping when he heard Kanda's voice. That had to be the softest tone he'd ever heard Kanda speak in.

_well, looks like things didn't get worse...I hope this goes well... though I guess it looks like I lost. Then again, can you really lose what you were never allowed to have anyways?_

Lavi turned back down the hall, a small smile tugging on his lips, as he mentally wished his two friends the best of luck.

**once again, sorry for the late update (anything that get's posted after 9 p.m. is late to Saya...) But she got realllllly caught up in doujin downloading...she found translations to "Shadow of the Moon" and zomfg...it was lovely! The art, the angst, the story, the ...everything man, everything...she found Pandora too, but it wasn't translated. And also, on her file-sharing site...ooooooooh the doujins Saya only just discovered there, to think they were right under her nose all along! Um...sorry for the doujin rant :.**


	53. Shanghaied

**Saya's going a little crazy for no real reason at the moment, it's kinda fun, but half the time she cant choose between laughing, crying, or whining. So forgive her for not-babbling as usual (pht, you're probably thankful, not sad.)**

**Disclaimer goes here!**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

**53. **Shanghaied

Kanda was finally back on a mission, a solo mission, none the less. He was glad to be out of that God awful tower he had been in, but at the same time, he almost felt like his superiors were teasing him. The mission he'd been sent on only lasted two days, it was a simple extermination mission, he'd be heading back "Home" the next morning. He wasn't sure he could stay sane with these types of missions, being out for a few days, then in the tower for a week. He knew that they needed help out in the field, he knew that exorcists in general were of high demand and low in stock, so why the hell was he, one of the best the Order had, being sent on these petty missions?! Not even Komui could give him answers.

On this mission, he'd been stationed near the area where Lavi and Allen were on their latest mission. If they had any problems there within the next few hours, he could very well be given an extension on his mission to help them, which he wouldn't mind in the least. Kanda had known for a long time that Lavi liked Allen, and it had never bothered him before, but now that things were changing, he wasn't sure he liked the idea of Lavi being some form of competition for him. Though, he knew that Lavi never really could be, he was a Bookman, and resolved to be one.

Lenalee had liked Allen too, he had noticed a while back. But she too, seemed to have given it up, it was as though she had allowed her affections to dull, to mutate into into a genuine feeling of friendship, not just her hiding emotions under the cover of friendship. Funny how people's feelings an change after learning about someone.

Kanda was about to go to sleep in the small inn where he was staying for the night, when a loud rapping on his door and the voice of some finder or other came to his ears.

"Sir Kanda! Sir Kanda there's an emergency!" He immediately went to the door, pulling his coat off the hook in the entrance. "What is it?"

"A team of exorcists nearby have been attacked, one's gone missing, they need backup." The finder rushed to relay the information to Kanda as he stalked down the hall to the lobby of the hotel, ready to leave, even though he didn't know where exactly he had to go.

"Get me a quick ride there." Was all he said, and the finder went off to find which mode of transportation would get Kanda as close to his destination as possible as quickly as possible.

_It just had to be on a mission when I wasn't fucking there..._

Kanda was livid, he didn't need anymore information that he already had to know what happened. Those nearby exorcists were Lavi and Allen, and Those despicable Noah had finally gotten Allen. He was damn pissed that Lavi had allowed that to happen, but at the same time, if it were more than one Noah...he'd be surprised if Lavi was still alive then.

Seeing as the others were stationed only a few hours away, the most efficient form of travel had been a taxi cab, because a train with all it's stops on the way would've just eaten away at valuable time. Kanda sat in the back seat, seething, and thoroughly worried.

"_I ... would rather die than go back to the Earl. If they ever managed to bring my back I'd kill myself before they reached the mansion."_

Allen had said that, and Kanda knew he had meant it. Sure, Allen had also said he'd rather die than let his choices be taken away, but since Kanda now knew that the world and all of his actions seemed to be part of Allen's elaborate plan, he understood why Allen was still alive, even after all the abuse he'd taken. Still, this had nothing to do with Kanda, and he knew that as long as it was possible for Allen to kill himself, he would, unless someone saved him.

000

The door to the small cabin he was currently in slammed open without warning, the sound assaulted his ears, and only served to worsen his headache. Lavi looked up from where he held his face in his hands, to stare a very murderous-looking Kanda.

"What the fuck happened?" He asked, with nothing even remotely close to his usual coolness or disinterest. "How the hell could you let those damned Noah take him? Why are you still here, even? Why aren't you chasing after them!?" Kanda's loud, angry voice made Lavi flinch back, he was well aware that he was failing at life, no need to remind him so loudly.

"I-I'm sorry... We both thought only one was there, just the guy from before. But then some girl showed up and he was gone, they all were! one second we were fighting together, the next second that damn Noah went right through me, grabbed Allen, and brought him through this door the girl brought out! I couldn't follow them because I have no clue where they went, they just disappeared! Komui told me to stay here and wait for backup before I did anything else."

Kanda let out a slew of curses, damn the Noah for ganging up on Allen like that! He couldn't chalk this up to Lavi being inattentive; Noah have a tendency to pop out of nowhere without warning. He let out a deep breath, trying to calm himself enough to stop sounding so homicidal.

"So now that I'm here, what should we do?" He asked, as calm as he could get himself to be. He knew the Noah would more likely than not be bringing Allen to a mansion, simply because that's what Allen had indicated to him once. They'd have to find whichever mansion in the world was the right one, and break in to get Allen back.

Still, it looked as though it was going to take a long while to find Allen. If he escaped through one of the Noah's doors, then they could very well be anywhere in the world by now. There was no trail to follow, there wouldn't be any clues on where to find them, it was as if they were starting at a dead end, and had nowhere to go from there.

"I don't know...but...Yuu, there was somethin' really weird about the way Allen was acting when we were fighting... and it was the same last time, when we were in Antwerp last year, he gets different...like he knows them. Haven't you noticed that?"

Kanda was quiet for a moment, no shit he'd noticed, he was the only one who knew completely the extent of how involved Allen was with the Noah, Tyki specifically. He didn't know any of the other's names, or anything else about them, because he could never get Allen to talk about the Noah more than he had to.

"Tch... that's crazy... he only knows them through battle..."

000

_Innocence...you won't let me die, so would you please help me out? I don't want to turn against you, but if I stay here much longer I may not have a choice. Get me out of here before I fall..._

Allen begged Crown Clown for assistance as though he were asking God himself. He figured, if the innocence had the power to judge it's accomodators, like it had with the Togaochi, then it should have the power to save them too.

As much as he'd love to go about with his self-righteous suicide, he really couldn't. In the room he was being kept in, there was nothing, nothing but cushioned walls, he couldn't even bash his head in. He felt like he was a mental patient or something! That feeling was compounded by the fact that he was in a straitjacket. Yes, he was being dealt with as though he were mentally unstable, which he might as well be in this situation. There was nothing that could be used as a weapon in this room, and no way he could wield one if there were. And, wrapped up as he was, he couldn't invocate Crown Clown without skewering his own side. While Allen was all for causing bodily harm at the moment, his innocence refused let him, and therefore, wouldn't invocate.

He was alone in that cell of a room, and cursing his stomach for growling even at a time such as this. He had been knocked out the moment that Rhode's door had closed, so he had no idea just how long he had been wherever he was. And he was hungry, despite how he wished he wasn't. It seemed that even though it wouldn't invocate for him, his innocence was still more than happy to leech off his strength.

Muffled steps reached his ear, accompanied by the sound of hinges groaning as the rather heavy door was opened. The sounds of footfalls were no longer obscured; Allen looked towards the where the sound originated from, he should've expected to see Tyki standing at the door, closing it behind his back.

"What a look that is, Dear Allen." Tyki said, upon seeing the look of utmost disdain on Allen's face. "Really, what have I done to deserve such a look?" The older male asked sarcastically.

"I could name more than a few things..." Allen muttered darkly, looking away from Tyki, anger still apparent on his visage. Tyki walked over to the disgruntled boy, sitting before him with a tray of food, he wasn't here to argue, just to feed the captive Moyashi. After all, they couldn't let him die of starvation before seeing the Earl.

"You're in no position to be cross, boy. Now be good and take your food like the hungry child you are." Tyki said, as though talking to an insolent brat. Well, he was, basically. He was very amused by the fact that he was going to be spoon-feeding Allen, he could just imagine how humiliating it must be to have your enemy do that. Surprisingly, Allen did not reject the food given to him, or give Tyki any trouble at first. However, as expected, Allen attempted to spit it right back into Tyki's face. Seeing as Tyki knew that was coming, he simply allowed the food to go through him, moving away from where it had landed on the floor.

"Now, now, don't make a fuss."

Allen brought his lips together tightly, looking away in a way that stated he clearly intended to be difficult.

"Ah...the way you force me to do things I know you won't like..." Tyki said with a sigh, though he didn't look at all put out by Allen's behavior. He took Allen's chin in one hand, and used the other to bring some bread to his own mouth, taking a bite. Allen sensed where this was going and looked horrified. His lips met Tyki's a moment later, and Tyki squeezed his jaw, so he was forced to open his mouth. Tyki forced food into Allen's mouth, making sure that he swallowed it before repeating the procedure. Soon enough Allen was shaking his head, trying to keep the Noah away from his mouth.

"St-stop! just stop! I'll eat the damn food so just stop!"

"Hm, should've done that in the first place." Was all that was said, as Tyki spoon-fed Allen, who was flushed with anger.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of embarrassing torture to Allen, his simple meal was done, and, he hoped, his time with Tyki. Unfortunately, it did not seem so, as Tyki just continued to sit in front of him, pushing the tray of food to the side.

"Why are you still here?" Allen ground out, angry beyond reason. If he could just get out of that damn jacket! Sadly enough, Allen did not possess the ability to dislocate his shoulder, and therefore couldn't create the slack necessary to escape his straitjacket. His arms were starting to ache, he wanted to stretch.

"Because, we can't allow you to see the Earl while you're still so full of fight. We have to break you first."

Allen's first reaction to those words was to back away, but he was already propped up against a wall, there was nowhere to back away too. Moving to the sides would only make him fall over. Tyki looked at him most avariciously, and he struggled more against his constricting jacket.

"Hm...I don't remember if we ever tried bondage..." was all that was said before Allen saw the world spin around him, until he was on the floor, the wind knocked out of him. Tyki's face hovered over his, and Allen tried not too look at him as he trashed around in a futile attempt to free himself, or at least move away. Tyki enjoyed watching Allen struggle, especially when Allen realized Tyki was removing his trousers.

"Stop! Get away!" Allen sounded panicked, as he felt an intruding finger at his entrance. Tyki was rather surprised that while Allen was obviously uncomfortable with it, he didn't seem to be in much pain.

"My, my, Allen, have you been used much recently? You little whore." He said, almost jokingly. Allen glared at the statement; he wasn't some tool, and he didn't get "used" like one. "Well, let's find out who's better, shall we?"

Yells and screams could be heard throughout the halls.

**To all of you who wanted Tyki to get at least one more shot in. Poor baby Allen...Tyki's not being all that gentle, and the whole bondage thing can't be helping Allen's discomfort. Seriously, God only knows how painful one of those could be without the added rape. Allen...Saya's sorry...TT-TT**

**and Notes! You might be wondering about the title...well, Saya didn't want to spoil the chapter by giving it an obvious title like "kidnap" or something. Then she remembered that when she went to Shanghai, her travel guide told her about how the term "Shanghai" is like a term for abduction. There's this historical reason and everything behind it. But really, being Shanghaied isn't just general abduction, it was when people (usually men), where drugged/intoxicated, and then kidnapped and brought on a ship to do labor. Because they wouldn't usually wake up until the ship was at sea, they had no choice but to work until they reached shore somewhere. Geez, what a long explanation -.-**

**And to worsen it, Saya also thought she should mention, that in this semi-AU story, Lavi doesn't know much about the Noah individually, just like Kanda didn't at the beginning. Sorry for carrying on like this...**


	54. Name

**Saya got Yuki's haircut, this is undoubtably the shortest she's ever got it cut. It looks good, but Saya gets the feeling that bed head will suddenly become a problem...Oh well, the important problem is that now her dA ID is out-of-date.**

**Wohoo! look at me! I'm disclaiming stuff!**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

54. Name

Kanda felt like hitting his head on the nearest wall and killing everyone in a ten-foot radius. It had been _months_, three of them, to be exact, since Allen was abducted. Kanda didn't even know why he was looking anymore, he still remembered Allen saying he'd kill himself before they even got to whatever mansion they were in, and surely it didn't take three months to get anywhere, especially not with the little Noah's ability. Even if he didn't manage to do it by the time they reached their base, Allen had had three months now to go about with his suicide, Kanda was sure that even the Moyashi could get something done in that amount of time. And if Allen hadn't killed himself yet, then Kanda didn't even want to imagine what state he was in.

"...What?"

"You heard me, Kanda. We have to call off this search." Komui looked grave, he didn't like having to make this decision, but he needed to. At the moment, it would be more merciful to the people of the Order to just let them believe that Allen was dead, it was torture to let them think he was still alive, and that they were failing him by not finding him. It was distracting too. Besides, he'd been with the Noah and the Earl for months, it only made sense that they would kill him. Well, it made sense to those who didn't know the whole story.

But Kanda did, and he was fighting against this decision, something that shocked everyone. Kanda had been rather involved in the search too, it made people wonder just how important Allen was to him. "Why? It's only been three months! There's an entire fucking world we have to search!"

"That's what we've been doing! since his disappearance we've alerted everyone in the field, exorcist, General, and finders alike to be on the look-out for him, or the Noah, but no one's found a trace of either! it's a cold case, they left no trail behind. Besides...Allen is the Destroyer of Time, he's an obstacle for the Earl. It only makes sense...that they'd kill him."

Kanda shook his head, furious. "NO! They don't want him dead though, they want him alive! They wan-" Kanda stopped himself short, remembering what Tyki said.

"_You will see the Earl, and tell him what he wants to know. Then you will let your friends 'save' you from his clutches, and pretend to be your sweet and fake self, and you will kill them all one by one from the inside."_

If Kanda were to tell anyone this, then even if by some miracle they did find Allen, no one would be able to trust him. Besides, that tied back to Allen's past, and Kanda knew that Allen hadn't ever wanted him to tell anyone about it.

However, Kanda had made it obvious that he knew something, and Lavi, Bookman, and Komui, (the first of whom were being very silent as they watched and recorded all that was said) gave him curious looks, beckoning him to continue.

"They just...don't want him dead." He finished, looking away. Kanda didn't care what anyone said, until he saw the brat's corpse, he wouldn't believe Allen was dead.

"Yuu...if Allen were alive, he would've found his way back to the Order by now, don't ya think?" Lavi asked. He had been in a state of depression since Allen had been kidnaped, and he blamed himself completely. It hurt him to think that Allen was dead, but it hurt even more to think that Allen was still alive, suffering through God-knows-what. Lavi said he'd always be there for Allen to talk to, but he was failing him every second Allen was in the Noah's hands. It would almost be merciful to Allen if he were dead.

"That's the thing, he won't come back! He wont ever come back unless someone goes and hauls his ass back here!"

"Why do you think that?" Bookman inquired, curious to know why Kanda was so sure Allen wouldn't return to the Order. "Because, he told me that once. Besides, wouldn't you think it was suspicious if an exorcist managed to survive months with the Earl's men, and then came back here? If they didn't kill him, what would you suspect?"

Everyone thought this over for a moment, and realized what Kanda was getting at, it would be very strange if Allen returned to them unharmed, it wouldn't make sense. The first thing that would come to mind would be that he had become a double-agent or something along those lines.

"But..he'd become a Togaochi if he did that...right?" Lavi asked, remembering Suman.

_well, the Earl seemed to think it would work, he's probably got some way to prevent that from happening._

"Look, just believe me when I say that the Earl wants Allen _alive_, if anything, they're probably trying to keep him in the world of the living."

"Yuu...just...give it up...please."

"I'm not giving up, it's a shame that you have." Kanda threw a cold glare at Lavi. Komui sighed, taking a sip of his coffee to sooth his nerves, this line of work was way too stressful.

"Fine, Kanda. Since you insist, I will allow this search to go on for exactly one more month. If we don't find even a hint as to where Allen may be, I'll assuming he is dead." Komui stated, before motioning for everyone to flee from his office. Everyone filed out, and Komui collapsed into his chair. He wanted to believe, he wanted to believe what Kanda said so badly, but he was a man of science, that meant he didn't gamble everything away on the least likely of chances. When something made sense, he didn't decide to go with the exact opposite of that. He didn't believe in things he couldn't see, things he couldn't test, things without proof to support them. It just didn't factor in right, the thought of Allen being alive.

_still, it would be a miracle if he was right..._

000

Allen stared blankly at the wall in front of him, because that was really all he could do. He didn't know how long he'd been in the room, because there was no way to tell time, no windows, no clock, just him and four white walls.

His arms killed, they were always prickling unpleasantly, and if they weren't they felt painfully numb. Thankfully, Rhode and Tyki seemed to realize that it was dangerous to keep someone in a straitjacket for too long, and they let him out of it often. Out of the jacket, but never out of the room. His innocence still wouldn't invocate for him, so he still couldn't use Crown Clown to break down the door which he found he could not get through, even with his arms free. He was starting to think the Noahs had done something to his innocence, which was why it wouldn't invocate.

His arms were currently experiencing that horrible numbness, it had been days since he'd seen Rhode or Tyki, well, it seemed like days. He was still alive, despite lack of water, so it couldn't have been more than three. He faintly wondered where they were, even though he'd rather just die of thirst than ever see either of them again. Physically, he was withering, he could feel himself thinning out, they weren't feeding him nearly enough. While the idea had come to him to just refuse to eat and die of starvation, he knew he wouldn't get away with that, especially not after what Tyki had done during his first day of consciousness. Mentally, he was teetering on the brink of insanity; Though, he supposed it wouldn't really matter, he was already being treated like a mental patient. But he really hated it. this room, there was nothing to do, nothing to occupy his mind, he was stuck thinking, thinking about everything he ever wanted to forget. He was remembering new things too, faces, names, things he'd blotted out.

_I wonder...why does this seem so much worse than before?_

Really, he was used to feeling insane, and he was used to being mistreated and violated. So why would everything feel worse now? It wasn't like Tyki was betraying him, it wasn't like this was something he didn't expect. So why?

Even as he questioned himself though, a part of him knew the answer; Before, in some twisted way, he had wanted it. He had been special then, only he was so close to the swordsman, only he could trap Kanda in his own revenge, only he could make Kanda feel hate and longing at the same time.

If he had really wanted Kanda to get away, he could've made the older man leave, he could've found it in himself to kill Kanda for what he did, if he had really wanted to. But no, instead he just put on a cynical face, and blamed his apathy on being used to sexual abuse. On the other hand, if he could, he'd murder Tyki with a smile on his face, if only he could. Allen really was thinking too much.

_What happened to Rhode and Tyki anyways? I haven't seen them in days..._

000

"Welcome to your temporary home." Rhode said, taking the lollipop out of her mouth long enough to smile at the newest occupant of her void. The child gave her a strange look, he didn't fully trust her, or Tyki, who stood next to her, but they said they could help him, so he'd come with.

"So what should we do with the new kid? We can't just let him get bored." Rhode asked Tyki, he nodded in agreement. "I think we should let him visit Allen. After all, he does bare a striking resemblance to someone we both know." Tyki replied, a fun little scheme hatching in his mind. "I would love to see how Allen reacts to his presence."

"Are you just trying to get out of playing with Allen?" Rhode highly doubted that was the case. "Why, I would never even think of doing something like that."

"I know, Allen's just so much fun, isn't he?" Tyki wholeheartedly agreed with this statement.

The boy glanced at his escorts from the corner of his eyes, wondering who this "Allen" person was, from the tones they were using, it didn't seem like he was in favorable conditions. The two had him follow them down a hall, there was only one door, it seemed a little unbalanced. They reached the door quickly, and Rhode handed him a tray overflowing with food; he wondered where she had gotten it from.

"Untie him while you're in there, will you? But don't let him out! He's a crazy. Harmless, but crazy." Rhode dictated to him, before Tyki opened the door and he was nudged in the room. In his surprise he almost dropped the tray. There was a boy in the room, who didn't look much older than himself, maybe just a year or two. He was leaning on a wall in the back-right corner, looking half-dead. The air was stagnant and held the stench that a room often accumulates when closed off for a long period of time.

_this place ... looks like an asylum. Why are they keeping another kid here?_

Allen looked up from the floor, to see who was entering his room. While his other senses had become all but lost to him in his near-insanity, his hearing was sharper than ever; he identified people by footsteps, but these were unfamiliar to him.. Through the haze of his mind, he tried to identify the person. As they came closer, hesitant footsteps making quiet footfalls, their features became more visible. Allen's eyes widened, he wasn't sure if he was really seeing what he was seeing.

"K-Kan...da?"

Hearing the other's voice startled him just as much as entering the room had; it was scratchy from disuse, still boyish, and hinted at British origins. As he slowly walked forward, as though he were approaching a wounded animal, the other looked up at him. His hair was white, even though his face made it obvious he was young. There was a scar running down his cheek, a pentacle lost behind a curtain of that white hair. Clouded gray-blue eyes starred into his, slowly clearing, as though he were dusting cobwebs out of his head as he watched the other approach.

"Why...do you know my name?"

**Is that a cliff hanger at all? Saya felt like being mean and ending it on a cliffy for once... whatever, brownie points to those of you who know the name of our new little friend! This story still has a lot of life left in it! Her goal is to reach 100 chapters, but she plans to end the story before it becomes filler crap. Can she go 100 chapters without losing a plot? Are you guys in this with Saya?**


	55. Family

**Happy Holloween! Even is it is late for some of you! Saya was contemplating not doing a chapter today 'cause, you know she wouldn't pass up a chance to walk around in cosplay and get candy at the same time. She decided that it would be worth it to attempt to finish one though, she's taken too much time off as of late anyways. **

**Saya owns nothing, nothing!!!!**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

55. Family

"Why...do you know my name?" Allen's mind was suddenly a little clearer than he had gotten used to; that voice wasn't right, it was still too young to be Kanda's. Now that he thought about it, the footsteps were different too, the footfalls came too quickly after each other. Allen looked again with a little more care, this person was short, probably his height, if not a little shorter. He had a narrow build, and his face was even more ambiguous that Kanda's, because he was younger, and hadn't gotten rid of his softer, more childish features. A pair of green eyes made Allen stop and stare at them, and they stared right back.

"I'm sorry, I had mistaken you for someone else. But if your name's Kanda too..."

"Why do you know my family's name?" The boy asked again, Allen didn't want to mentally tag him as "Kanda", because that would get confusing, but he didn't know the boy's name either, Kanda had never said.

"I work with your brother, KandaYuu."

"Don't say something like that! Nii-sama's dead! he was killed nine years ago! I saw his run through corpse!" Allen flinched at the increased volume of his voice, and from guilt. He must've reopened that old wound without even thinking about it. How must it have felt, to somehow have been left alive, only to come back and see everyone dead, maimed? And then to have some stranger tell you almost a decade later that one of those people was alive?

"He's not dead. He's alive, Kanda Yuu, your brother, is alive and has been working with the Black Order for the past eight or nine years."

The younger Kanda sat down in front of Allen, placing the tray of food that had somehow managed to stay in hand down too. He never looked away from Allen the whole time, though Allen wished he would. "What's your name, kid? Kanda never told me, and I don't want to keep calling you kid."

"You already know my name, Kanda."

"Is being impersonal a family trait? Sorry, but it wouldn't feel right to call you what I call him."

The child huffed before answering. "Satoru, Kanda Satoru."

"Satoru then. Ok, so why are you here, of all the places in the universe?" Allen asked, sitting up as straight as he could. For the first time, it registered with Satoru that Allen was bound, he had been told to let him loose. Without really thinking, he reached out to start undoing the straps of the coat. Allen pulled away immediately, backing into the wall like it would absorb him into itself. Satoru pulled away too, worried about Allen's reaction.

"What are you doing?" Allen asked, looking thoroughly frightened. Satoru tried to think of a reason why Allen would be like this, he was just trying to help, after all. "I was told to take you out of that thing while I was in here."

"Oh." Allen's face heated with embarrassment, he was getting too paranoid, he was starting to think that everyone was out to do him harm. But then, why wouldn't he think that? After all, of the last few months, if it wasn't Tyki raping him, it was Rhode playing all sorts of "games" with him that usually resulted in him being in less that top condition.

"So are you going to sit still and let me or not?" Satoru huffed, deciding he didn't have the patience to wait for Allen to back away from the wall. "Sorry about that. If you wouldn't mind..."

Allen moved forward enough so that Satoru could undo the restraints in the back, before moving to the ones in the front, untying things one by one. Allen was out of the jacket almost before the last one was undone.

"Thank you..." Allen said, rolling his shoulders, trying to get some feeling back into his arms, they were asleep, and he knew any minute they'd start prickling painfully. Allen looked very happy to finally be out of that thing, and tossed it far across the room. "Um...I was told to give this to you too..." Satoru said, pushing the tray of food in front of him forward. Allen all but inhaled it.

"Thank you, again. So, why might you be here, Satoru?" Allen asked, casually. Actually, he was quite fearful, what if Satoru had gotten on the Earl's bad side? What if he had been brought here because he was going to resurrect someone? What if he was one of the Earl's agents?

"They're... helping me." Satoru replied, shifting slightly. He was a little afraid of the reason why he was here, he was still feeling a bit traumatize from the experience. Allen's eyes went wide, what were they helping him with?

"Well... Something strange...scary, happened to me...It started with my head, I had a headache, then blood started trickling into my eyes. My forehead was bleeding, the wounds are still there, too." Satoru lifted his bangs without hesitation, showing Allen the stigmata on his forehead. Allen wanted to vomit, Kanda's brother was ...?

"It hurt a lot after that. I was in the streets at the time, there was nowhere for me to go and I couldn't afford a doctor. I had these...nightmares...they were strange, it felt like someone was pouring mass amounts of information into my head, it hurt..." Allen was feeling sicker and sicker as Satoru went on, and as much as he tried to hide it, Satoru noticed, and was getting worried.

"That's when those two found me, told me I was something special, they said they could help..."

"You...why would you go with them? Do you make a habit of talking to strangers!?"

"Hey! Don't get at me over that! I was desperate for help, and they had...the same scars so... there was just something..."

Allen shuttered, it would devastate Kanda to know his brother was a Noah. The brother whom he'd always thought of as dead, but still suspected was alive, was a Noah, his enemy. Not even Kanda would be able to stay calm when he found that out. Still, it seemed Satoru wasn't completely in on this whole Noah thing yet, it didn't seem like he knew what it was all about, there was a chance he could escape it; not being a Noah, but being a part of what of the Earl's side.

"Listen to me, carefully, please. The Headquarters of the Black Order are located on the outskirts of London, it's a huge black Castle, on a cliff. You need to go there, it's where your brother will be. You can't stay here, you can't stay with these people. They're bad, worse than bad, they're downright evil. no matter what, you have to get away from here, and make it to the Black Order."

"Evil? How are they evil?!" Satoru was rather annoyed, those people, Tyki and Rhode, had saved him, taken him off the streets when he couldn't do anything more than twitch in pain, and took care of him, how could they be evil?

"They're trying to bring about a second flood, and wipe out humanity."

"What are you talking about!? That's ridiculous!"

"It's not! Look, even Kanda--Yuu is fighting against them. Now, would the brother you knew fight on the corrupt side?"

"All people who fight are corrupt in some way."

"You're avoiding the question."

Satoru huffed, but knew the answer immediately; his brother wouldn't side with people whom he thought were doing wrong. "No..."

"I know these people saved you, so I can understand why you wouldn't want to think anything bad of Tyki and Rhode, but... they really are. If you stay with them they'll do the same thing they did to me."

"You mea-"

"Sorry, I forgot you don't know about that..." Allen said, looking down. He didn't want to say it, but Satoru just looked so much like Kanda...! It would've been too easy to just replace the boy's voice with Kanda's, to pretend those eyes weren't so vividly green. "No, I doubt they'd lock you up the same way I am now. But...a long time ago, when I was really young, I traveled with these people, they...they made me ... kill... a lot of people, too many to count now... I didn't have a say in it, if I went against them, they would've killed my father..." Allen realized he was telling his abridged life story to a stranger, but it was so simple, to just pretend he was retelling it all to Kanda; Allen blamed it on the fact that his mind was still clouded. "Between a thousand strangers and the only person you love, who would you chose? It's no excuse, but it's a reason..."

There was a moment of silence, and Satoru mentally sympathized with Allen, he understood perfectly what he meant. Ever since the scars appeared on his forehead, he'd been able to understand everything clearly, it was almost scary how much he could comprehend. He decided to change the subject, if only to stop the withering boy in front of him from suffering too much guilt.

"So, you know Nii-sama, right? What's he like now? How's he doing?" Allen gave a slight chuckle at the sudden enthusiasm that colored the other's voice, he was thankful for how understanding Satoru was.

"He's abrasive and cold and sword-happy! And in good health as far as I know."

"Well...the way you were talking before made me think you two were good buddies or something...sounds like you don't get along at all though." Actually, Satoru had been thinking that Allen had been acting like Kanda was a lot more to him, but the homophobia he had developed while on the streets of Europe prevented any further thought in that direction.

"How well would you get along with someone who tried to kill you the first time you met!?"

"I thought you said he was one of the good guys!"

"Well he thought I was an akuma...stupid gatekeeper..."

"He thought you were a...a demon!?"

"No, no...not a demon...an Akuma, a living weapon, created when someone tries to resurrect another person. The weapon is brought to life by the soul of the deceased, and feeds off the soul's energy. An Akuma kills the person who brought it back and wears their skin...these people use them, The Noah, and the Earl, they are using them to help kill off humanity. I was cursed by one... see?" Allen showed the star that laid over his eye.

Satoru was shocked to hear such things existed, but couldn't think of any reason why they couldn't. Still, he didn't understand, he was being told that the people who saved him, the "Noahs", apparently, were using these things, but he still couldn't see them as evil. He understood everything but that. Why couldn't he see these people as the evil people that society would say they were? Why had he allowed himself to be taken in by these people? why did he feel some kind of bond with them? It was very reminiscent of something he had felt before, he felt close to them, even though he had no real reason to, it just was. Like the bonds he'd had with his family, people he cared about because that's just what families do. Satoru didn't dare tell Allen he thought this way though. He decided that he should change the subject again.

000

Kanda sneezed over his dinner, again and again. People were sitting even farther from him than usual, fearing that whatever he was suffering from would infect them too. He'd been sneezing all day, and the only thing that came to mind was that old wives' tale about sneezing whenever someone is talking about you.

"Geez Yuu, did you spend one too many nights training outside? It is the rainy season you know."

"It's always the rainy season in London."

"True enough. still, you've been sneezing all day, way to spread your cold." Lavi himself was wearing a mask over his mouth, deciding that a cold was not what he wanted, but not wanting to leave poor Yuu all to his lonesome.

"I do not have a cold." He sneezed over his soba a second later, and decided maybe eating something warmer (or something that hadn't been showered with snot) wouldn't kill him.

"Right, right. So what then, someone's been talkin' about ya the whole day?"

"..."

"Either admit it's a cold or admit to believing in random superstitions."

"..."

**Lavi's such a kind soul... DUDE'S HAPPY HOLLOWEEN!!!! -showers readers with candy- Heheheheeeeeeeee -high off candy she hasn't even eaten yet- have fun with the trick-or-treating and the house-egging and all those other miscellaneous things you crazy kids do. Gah...Saya sounds old. Oh well, have fun cosplaying on the streets for candy! 'Cause you know that's what Saya's doin', breaking out the sexy gay-man Kanda cosplay...xD **


	56. Knowledge

**Er...Saya's a lil' brain dead at the moment so...nyeh. oh, and because of all the time-skipping, ages might be a bit confusing, but Allen would now be 16 going on 17, and Kanda would be turning 20 soon. **

**Saya owns the books, but not the actual series. Oh how she wishes she owned Kanda...**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

56. Knowledge

Satoru and Allen sat for hours, just talking and talking, about anything that came to mind. Allen had no problem keeping Satoru and Kanda separate in his mind by the end of their time together; Satoru was definitely stubborn like his brother, but he had none of the coldness, though Allen was sure he was capable of it.

"So, this only just came to mind, but where did you learn your English? You speak it very well." Allen asked, Satoru was just one year younger than Allen, he was 15, and he apparently had command of multiple languages.

"Well, what happened was, after my family was...killed, the first thing I did was go to the village, because, well, where else could I go? But they were really afraid, no one wanted to get involved with someone from a family with such strong enemies, even though none of them knew who this enemy was. So I drifted to Nagasaki, where I got kidnaped and brought to Holland. I worked as a servant under a Count there for a while, and some of the maids taught me enough Dutch to get by there. Then one of the younger girls there and I were given to some Baron in England the Count owed some money. The maids there taught us both English, and the little girl continued to teach me Dutch too, I think she just wanted to have someone she could talk with in her own language."

Allen felt bad about asking now, it must've been difficult for Satoru to be taken from his homeland and shipped about the world, being given away and sold like he was property. Satoru could feel the guilt rolling off of Allen, and was quick to stop him from feeling any worse. "Don't worry about it, I was fine. Both the Baron and the Count were good people, and almost all the maids and servants were nice to me. It was fun to learn new languages too."

Allen was relived for a moment, but then remembered something, and couldn't stop himself from asking: "Then...how did you end up on the streets?"

"The Baron lost everything in some foolish way or another, and everyone there got turn out onto the streets. I was only out there for about a year."

"Oh...sorry."

"Stop with the guilt and stuff! It's annoying the crap outta me!" Satoru snapped, somewhat childishly. For some reason, Allen found himself laughing, Satoru just gave him a look that clearly said he thought the other was crazy. "S-sorry...it's just...well, Kanda always got at me for caring too much about other people...it's just kinda funny to see you say the same thing... a bit differently, but it means the same I guess...sorry."

Satoru smiled a bit, before a new question came to him. "Yeah, about Nii-sama, what's the deal with you two!? Half the time you're talking like you hate him, and then the other half of the time...well I don't even know!" Allen stopped laughing immediately, and he prayed the heat that was coming to his face wasn't a blush. "Um..."

"Go on..."

"Er...well..."

"Spit it out already." Allen didn't want to tell Satoru anything about that, the kid did not need to know about their twisted affair. The creaking of the door alerted them to the fact that they were no longer alone.

"Alright, we've let you be corrupted long enough, Satoru, time for you to come out." Tyki said from the door, smirking in a way that said Allen would pay for anything he might've said to Satoru that the elder Noah wouldn't approve of. Allen immediately wished he could bring his mind back into the fog, into the haze that had protected his mind so well, but he found he couldn't. Still, as long as he was in his right mind, he would at least glare.

Satoru looked between Allen and Tyki once, before slowly getting up, taking the now empty tray with him. He decided that he would do as Allen said, and escape to the Black Order, but he had to get out of wherever the hell he was first, which meant he'd have to leave Allen by himself again. He felt rather guilty about it, but if he was going to do what Allen wanted, and if he was going to see his brother again, he'd need to live with it.

000

"Did you have fun, Satoru?" Rhode asked, as Tyki led him into the dining room. Satoru wasn't sure what an acceptable answer would be, and kept silent. Rhode motioned for him to sit, and he and Tyki did, servant Akuma bring dinner for them the moment they were seated. "Let's find out who you are now, shall we?" Tyki asked, Satoru nodded, he had to get out, yes, but it wouldn't hurt to get what he came here for in the first place.

"Satoru, you are a Noah, one of the true apostles chosen by God. We're the direct descendants of Noah, we're better than average humans." Rhode started, she and Tyki planned to split this lecture. "We each were given certain memories that once belonged to Noah, and the other's that came after him. I'm the Noah of Dreams, I have all the memories of Noah's dreams, and his aspirations, as well as the memories of all the other Dream Noahs before me. I've also have a certain power, I can create dimension doors, that bring people to a dimension where everything is as I want it to be, and I can use my doors to transport people from place to place, the way I brought us here, among other powers."

"I'm the Noah of Pleasure, and just like Rhode, I have all the memories of Noah's happiness, and everything that ever brought him pleasure. I can choose to "Reject" matter, anything I don't want to touch, I don't have to." Tyki displayed his power by putting his hand through the table. "It hurts to gain all of these memories, we found you when Noah's memories were entering your mind. What did you see during that time, what do you remember?"

Satoru let all of this information sink in, and then tried to focus on what he remembered, specifically, the memories that weren't his own. He found himself remembering facts, things like the exact dimensions of the Ark, the names of Noah's children, where the Ark landed and where it was now. He also remembered things that didn't seem to have anything to do with Noah, like being a part of a group of children who were sold during the Fifth Crusade, numbers and faces and names that he shouldn't have known, but did. He truthfully told all of this to Rhode and Tyki, as the two listened and ate.

Finally, when he was done, Rhode spoke. "I'd say he's most likely the Noah of Knowledge. You'll be able to help me with my homework."

"Hey, I help you do your homework all the time."

"But he'll be able to do my homework well." Tyki huffed, and turned his face to the side. "Not my fault I never went to school..." he grumbled. Satoru did his best to stop himself from falling into the family air that surrounded the two other Noah. It was hard though, the feeling was familiar, and yet not, they weren't his real family, his real family was dead, save for Yuu, but these people, in a sense, were his family. They were Noahs together, right? He found he was struggling to stay distant.

"Listen, Satoru. That kid in there, Allen? He's an exorcist, an enemy to the Noah. Seems like a nice enough kid, right? But he's not, he's fighting against us. There's an entire organization, called the Black Order, and they're all against our family, and our goal."

Satoru realized why Allen looked so worried and sick when he'd shown him the marks on his forehead, it was proof that, just because he was born what he was, they were supposed to be enemies. As the day turned into night, Satoru found that leaving the Noahs didn't seem as easy as it had before. He had to make a choice, his real family, or this new family that would gladly accept him into it.

_Thinking about this is stupid, I'm going back to my real brother, of course! He's been looking for me, I can't just side against him! Besides, even though I saw his corpse, when I went back home later, everyone had been buried. No one would go near our house, so it would've had to have been a family member who did it...I think I always knew Yuu was alive, it was fate that I've been so close to where he's been this entire time, I have to go to nii-sama!_

Without thinking about it any more, Satoru hopped out the window of the room he was given; for some reason, the other Noahs didn't think he would run for it, maybe it was because they didn't know what he and Allen had talked about? The way the had told him about the Black Order made it seem that way, like they hadn't known Allen had already told him all of that. Or maybe they had guessed that Allen would've told him, but figured he'd stay with them anyways, because he was like them? It didn't matter anymore, because he was already out of the mansion and running like his life depended on it.

He wasn't sure where he was, but judging by his surroundings, he could guess that he was still on Earth, and not one of Rhode's dimensions. He got the feeling that that's where Allen was thinking they were. Satoru figured that wherever they were, there was bound to be at least one person who could speak English (or one of the other languages he knew) well enough to tell him where he was, and how to get to England.

He came across two people sooner than he thought he would; at the time, he didn't realize that those "people" were really Akuma who were supposed to be guarding the mansion from intruders. But even though he wasn't consciously aware of what they were, there was something in him, the Noah in him, that knew he was above them, better than them.

"What's this little brat doing here?" One asked; it took the form of a tall, burly man, but to Satoru he was utterly unintimidating.

"Maybe he got lost and wandered too close to the mansion?" the other replied. They both broke into grins, looking for all the world like over-sized children on Christmas. "Maybe we can kill it?" These two akuma were still unaware of the fact that a new Noah had been found, and they didn't realize that they were planning to kill said Noah.

Satoru snorted, these inferior things couldn't hurt him! "The moment you try to harm me, you'll die." The akuma, two level 2's that had only recently evolved and were feeling rather cocky about it, were enraged that an "average" human dared to challenge them.

Satoru could feel himself changing, he didn't know how, but it sent power serging through him. He realized that he had control over these things, that he really could make his words a reality. He was the Noah of Knowledge, information like that just came to him, and it would continue to, he had a good 7000 years of memories to pull information from.

"You little runt! We'll tear you to shreds!" The akuma yelled, bursting forth from their human shells. However, the moment they made a move towards Satoru they stopped, frozen. Before either of them could question what was happening, they exploded. Pieces of Akuma littered the ground, akuma "Blood" raining down for a second, before it sunk into the ground, stars marking the poisoned earth.

"Hm, so my words became reality. I wonder if that was just because they were what they were or..." Satoru continued to ponder this as he continued his trip back to humanity.

000

Tyki and Rhode were positively enraged when they found that Satoru was gone. They hadn't really thought that he'd run, the bond between the Noahs was strong, and usually, the Noahs didn't have anything better to live for. The fact that one of their own would_ run_...it was horribly reminiscent of the 14th, and neither Tyki or Rhode wanted to be the ones to tell the Earl that another Noah had left them.

And naturally, since they were angry, they took it out on Allen, who was most definitely the reason why Satoru left. Honestly, they were wondering if Allen was really worth all the trouble they were going through to break him, but the Earl was adamant on keeping to his script. Allen didn't bother to deny telling Satoru to run, it wouldn't save him even if he did. Allen was sure he hadn't known hell until then. He didn't know how long they tortured him, but it had to have been at least a day. Now he lay on the floor, nearly completely stripped with the exception of bandages that covered the more serious wounds inflicted. Even though the Noah were so angry, they still wouldn't let him bleed his life away, and that was the worst part of all.

His entire body hurt, he was sure that half his bones were broken and needed to be reset; though he wouldn't doubt that Tyki and Rhode would let them heal incorrectly just so they could re-break them to set them right. His mind lingered between consciousness and blackness, his vision swam, and he was sure that, even though he could no longer sense anything other than the pain that coursed through him, his eyes were leaking pained tears.

He slowly started moving his fingers and toes one by one, working his way up from his extremities to find out what was broken. Both of his legs were pretty much useless, he discovered, as it seemed that one had a broken femur and his other foot was dislocated. His right wrist was at least sprained, and he was sure that there were plenty more injuries that he coundn't even feel because of the over-all pain.

_oh well...It's worth it...I just hope Satoru makes it back to Kanda...please let him escape from here, don't let him become one of the Earl's men._

Some could call it amazing that Allen would still pray to God, even then.

**Poor Allen...-snifflesniffle sobsob- ok...well anyways, next chapter is gonna be FUN! And... a little less angsty... Saya's starting to wonder if this story can properly function without angst...she figures that when the angst stops, the ending will come, in some bitter-sweet way...and Satoru being the Noah of Knowledge is sooooooo not a pun off his name...honestly...**


	57. Welcome Home

**Ugh...Saya hates winter...the air changes and get's really dry when it's winter around here. Saya always gets a cold, and this year she's got a soar throat, which is kinda unusual for her...she's croaking, for Cross' sake. waaaaah...give her back those nice fall days, where the weather's warm and the air is perfect.**

**Saya just owns a lot of bacterium and viruses...**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

57. Welcome Home

Satoru felt half-dead with fatigue, he'd been walking for hours, and traveling alone for what could easily have been a month. When he'd escaped the Noah's mansion, he found that it was located in "The-Middle-of-nowhere-Russia" as he had mentally deemed it. Well, he didn't actually know he was in Russia until he made it out of the middle of nowhere, and to a nearby village, where-though he'd never met a Russian-speaking person, he had recognized the language right away; there were some good things about being the Noah of Knowledge. He found out the village's name before he left, knowing that would be important information for anyone who went to find Allen.

Satoru was amazed at how easily he'd gotten across the European continent, everything seemed much easier now that he seemed to know where everything was, and how to get where, he didn't got lost once. Combine Noah's memories with the things he'd learned while on the streets and he was practically blazing through Europe; walking, but blazing. His cheating abilities were nothing compared to Allen's, but he could still make a pretty penny off the unsuspecting.

The final leg of his journey was getting on a ship to England, and Satoru was bristling with anticipation at the thought that he was only a few hours away from his brother, and from the people who could save the helpful captive he had to leave behind. He didn't have the money for a boat ticket, of course, and he was not going to waste time working for it, or even gambling for it. So instead he had slipped onto the ship when no one was looking, and when he was discovered, he pretended to be a girl and got on the good graces of the ship's crew. He knew he was breaking some hearts when he got off board, and he thought it was their just punishment for actually believing he was a girl. He would definitely _not_ be telling anyone how well that had worked...

Now though, Satoru was more than a bit pissed at Allen. After his tiring quest for the Black Order, he had found it, just like Allen said, on the outskirts of London, and on a cliff. But Allen never said a thing about _free-climbing_ the cliff wall. A little warning would've been nice. He'd been at it for hours now and his arms felt like they would fall off any minute now; he was glad he could see the top.

When he reached the top of the cliff, he all but flung himself onto the flat area, laying down and panting for a few moments, just trying to catch his breath, and rest enough to start moving again.

000

The entire Science department plus Lenalee felt an odd sense of deja vu as the all sat on or around the couch, watching the hologram of the Black Order's castle and cliff, as provided by a few security golems they had floating around outside. Some kid had just free-climbed the cliff, and they all knew that someone should knock him off it, but there was something that held them all in their seats.

They were looking at a mini-Kanda. In fact, that's who they had thought it was at first, Kanda was due back from a mission today, and they all thought that maybe, for some reason or other, Kanda had decided to climb the cliff wall, instead of using the underground waterways. No one bothered to wonder why the heck Kanda would do something like that, he was Kanda, he did strange stuff sometimes. Soon enough though, they all realized that the person was just a bit too small to be Kanda, and when he'd turned his head just so, a flash of unbelievably green eyes made them sure it wasn't. So, they watched and watched as this Kanda look-alike climbed the wall and then collapsed when he got to the top.

"Oi, Komui, here's your damned mission report." An annoyed voice came from the door; they were sure the person outside was most definitely not Kanda now. "What's going on in here?" he asked, when he found that the Supervisor was too busy watching the hologram to take his report, which he'd spent minimal effort on.

"It would seem you've got an imposter." Komui said, sipping his coffee, his eyes never leaving the holographic image. Kanda huffed, that sounded so stupid, who would want to impersonate him? More importantly, who (besides Lavi) was stupid enough to think they could get away with it? Kanda came over to the couch, standing behind it as he watched the screen. Indeed, the person did look frighteningly similar to him, even though he (she?) was a bit smaller, and sprawled on the ground in a completely undignified manner that was very un-Kanda-like.

It was when the child opened his eyes that Kanda felt his mouth drop open. "My God..." The boy (and Kanda was sure it was a boy now; he felt quite stupid for doing the same thing to this poor kid that many had done to him) stood up, dusted himself off, and walked towards the Gatekeeper. He looked awkward, as he stood before the door, not really sure of what to do; it was very reminiscent of when Allen had first come to the Order's doors.

"Um...I'm Kanda Satoru... I was told this is where the Black Order was..." Reever fell off the couch, Lenalee's jaw dropped, and Komui gaped, allowing coffee to spill from his open mouth, as his favorite mug fell from his grip. (Luckily, it's fall was cushioned by the paperwork on the floor, which also absorbed most of the brown liquid.)

"My God..." Kanda murmured for the second time in the last two or so minutes, before bolting from the room, dropping his mission report on Komui's desk, where it would never be found again.

The other occupants of the room went from gaping at Kanda to gaping at the hologram, they were sure he'd be there to gap at soon enough. When Satoru started talking again, they all wished they could pull Kanda back into the room to hear it; he was the one above all who would be most interested in what the boy had to say.

"Well...I was kinda sent here by this kid with white hair, Allen Walker...he's supposed to be an exorcist with the Order..." Komui broke out into a grin, and he started laughing from relief, he wouldn't have to add Allen's name to the list of the dead, he was still alive, _hope_ was still alive, and he was sending a little messenger who happened to share a surname with Kanda Yuu. The best part was that Satoru had made it just in time, even one more day and Komui would've had to mark Allen as dead. Lavi and Lenalee were also showing their relief, Lenalee with tears and Lavi by finally acting like himself again, after months of being what most would call "normal".

000

Satoru felt like a complete idiot, standing in front of a castle and talking to a gate. Though the place looked just like what Allen had described to him (creepy, black, had to crane your neck upwards to see the entire thing and even then you can't see the top...), it seemed he wouldn't be getting in. But then, Allen had told him something similar had happened when he'd gone there, so he wasn't dissuaded by the lack-of-response.

Suddenly, the sound of flapping cloth could be heard, and Satoru turned quickly, to see someone falling from the sky, landing with utmost grace before him. The person drew himself up to his full height, and at first ,in the dim light of twilight, all Satoru could see was the blackened silhouette of the person.

"You said...your name was... Kanda Satoru, right?" The person sounded out-of-breath, as though they'd run through the building to get to him.

"Y-yeah...That's what I said, should I try another language?" Satoru didn't like the way he sounded almost defensive, but that didn't matter so much anymore, as within a second, he felt himself being incased in warmth.

"I can't believe it, you're actually here, Satoru."

"Yuu...?"

"Who the hell else would I be?!"

Kanda could feel Satoru shaking against him, whether he was laughing or crying Kanda didn't care. He knew that they were probably being watched, and he knew that the entire building would find out that he, Kanda Yuu, of all the world's people, had actually ran to hug someone, and he couldn't care less. His brother, who he'd spent the better part of a decade thinking was dead, was alive, and had shown up on his doorstep! Kanda had thought he'd have to spend years searching for Satoru, but instead of going to him, he came to Kanda! It was too much, too easy, and a more pessimistic part of his mind knew things didn't come so easily without some kind of catch, but he had that part of his mind bound and gagged at the moment. Kanda knew no one would think less of him for showing compassion towards a family member, because everyone in the Order knew the value of having real family with them.

When Satoru finally came out of his shock, he hugged his brother back. "Nii-sama...I-it's been a while...huh?" he couldn't think of anything else to say, only because there was so much that needed to be said. His lack of words was fine though, Kanda was suffering from the same problem. For once, he wished he had built up his conversational skills.

"We hate to interrupt this warm moment but...if either of you want to come inside sometime tonight, Satoru's gonna need to have the Gatekeeper examine him." Reever said, through a golem that was now hovering around their heads. Komui could be heard blubbering away in the background, probably glomp-attacking Lenalee as he remembered his own reunion with his sibling.

Kanda stepped away from Satoru, thinking the entire thing was stupid, it was his brother, not some damned Akuma, he was absolutely sure that this person was human, he didn't need the Gatekeeper to tell him that. Said gatekeeper suddenly decided to get in Satoru's face, looking as creepy as ever.

"Holy shi– get outta my face!"

Then it happened, the Gatekeeper started screaming "It's an Akuma" at the top of it's lungs. The entire building went on guard at the moment, even the people who had no idea what was going on got ready to fight off an invasion. Satoru and Kanda both looked surprised, and then Satoru's face twisted into one of affronted anger.

"How dare you call me an akuma! I'm not one of those lowly, wretched toys!" Satoru yelled, his voice so loud that it actually managed to quiet the gatekeeper. Kanda starred in surprise as Satoru continued to rant as though he'd never been so insulted in his life. As a matter of fact... "I've never been so insulted in my life! There's no way in hell I'm some machine-doll for some marshmallow man! And hell, if you want proof I'll friggin' prove it!"

_marshmallow man...? Has he seen the Earl before? _

Kanda, while some part of his mind laughed at the accurate description of the Earl, was more worried than amused. Had his little brother tried to make an akuma? It was perfectly possible, their entire family had been killed, and if he was the only survivor still in the area, then it would only make sense for the Earl to do his usual thing and try to get an extra akuma out of killing off the last Kanda. Maybe that was why the gate thought he was an akuma, because, maybe, he was like Allen, maybe he was cursed?

"Nii-sama, you've got your innocence with you, right?"

"Yeah..." Kanda was a bit confused about why his little brother knew about his innocence; he had run out too soon to know that Satoru had met Allen, and therefore had no way to know Allen had basically given Satoru a crash course on the Black Order, and everyone he knew in it.

"Good. Cut me."

"WHAT?"

"Cut me. If I were an akuma, your sword cutting me would kill me, right? But if I'm human, which I am, I'll just bleed."

"Yeah but-"

"No need for dramatics, gatekeeper, let him in." Komui was suddenly on the golem, allowing Satoru passage into the Order's Castle; he knew that no akuma would willingly offer to get sliced by innocence, especially not in it's vulnerable, human form.

000

"So, Satoru, could you tell us exactly why you came here, and how you found your way to our headquarters?" Komui asked. Satoru huffed, he felt like Komui was talking to him the same way one would talk to a bratty 10-year-old.

"That's Satoru-_san_ to you, and stop patronizing me." Kanda was really good about keeping his laughter in, this brought back some memories of when he himself had come to the order, and said something very similar to Komui. This was definitely his brother.

"I'm here because this exorcist, Allen, told me to come here, because he said Nii-sama was here. He gave me directions, never said a thing about free-climbing though."

Kanda's eyes went wide, he must've misheard. "Allen? Allen Walker? Idiot Moyashi with white hair?" Kanda was in a state of disbelief, this must've been one of the best days of his life, if anything happened to make it even better, he'd have to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

"Yeah, that's the one. He had a scar on his left cheek too. And why call him "Moyashi"? Is that a pet name or something...?"

_Please tell me it's not a pet name..._

Lavi broke out into hysteric laughter, the rest of the people in the room had enough sense to keep their chuckles quiet. Kanda had nearly fallen out of his chair; Like hell he'd give anyone a _pet name_!!!! "No! definitely not!"

Lavi continued to laugh himself silly, rolling on the floor and clutching his stomach.

_How are ya gonna deal with this problem in the future Yuu-chan?_

Oh, it was obvious, the way Satoru seemed so relieved to see that Kanda's answer was negative; he was homophobic. Of all the phobias he could have, Lavi was sure this was the funniest one he could have when it came to the situation.

"Hey, Nii-sama, who's the laughing idiot?" Satoru asked, pointing to Lavi. Said idiot decided to make the most of the opportunity that had presented itself. Yes, he was being very stupid, provoking _two_ Kanda's at once, but what the hell, he'd just spent four months being mature, it was time to get back to being his childish self.

"I'm Yuu-chan's koibito." Kanda punched Lavi into outer space before Satoru even had a chance to look horrified.

"LIKE FUCKING HELL YOU ARE!"

"You know, Satoru-chan, you don't look half-bad yourself." Lavi observed, wasn't he supposed to be somewhere between Jupiter and Mars?

"STOP TERRORIZING MY LITTLE BROTHER!" Kanda didn't bother to stop with just one punch this time, and Lavi ran around the office, sticking out his tongue as he made Kanda chase him. Satoru hoped the look of horror on his face wouldn't stick.

Komui chuckled, putting his coffee down on his desk. "Well, I guess I'll do the honors then. I know we're a strange family of rejects and nerds, but we'll do our best to make you like us. Welcome home, Satoru."

**Woooooooooot, Satoru's home! Oh, it'll be quite a big deal when he starts explaining stuff in depth next chapter. It's amazing how things get stretched over so many chapters in this story. One hour can take an entire chapter, but a month can be summed up in one paragraph. Oh, the way the flow of time is mirrored in writing...**


	58. Possibilities

**Eh...brain dead...Saya finally went to church again after months...man she was gone way too long. It's one thing to miss it every once in a while 'cause Saya's at a friend's house, but it was getting ridiculous. Oh, how Saya missed Teens...oh, and THANK YOU ALL FOR 400 REVIEWS! You all know Saya loves you right? Because she does, she loves you so much! COOKIES SHALL RAIN DOWN UPON THEE BECAUSE SAYA'S LOVE WILLS IT! If you don't like cookies then...wow...what happened there...? Not even one of the hundreds of kinds? **

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

58. Possibilities

When things in the Office calmed down somewhat (thanks to Reever shooing all unnecessary people out, though he knew they would inevitably listen through the door), Kanda and Satoru took up the couch, Lavi and Bookman were standing away from the scene, melting into the papers like chameleons, and Komui was sitting behind his desk, Reever standing at his side.

Satoru was rather comfortable in the old couch that seemed to conform for the sake of those who sat in it. His brother was at his side, and he was in a place that he could really call "home" for the first time in years. Still, being here reminded him of how he got there in the first place, of who told him to get there. he wanted to tell everyone about Allen as much as they wanted to hear about him, Satoru wanted to save Allen.

"So, you said that Allen was the one to send you here, which would mean he's still alive, always good. Could you tell us where it was you met him?" Komui asked, he couldn't be sure where Allen was anymore, because in his mind, it didn't make sense for the Noahs to allow Allen some random visitor. Besides, Komui still didn't understand why the Noah would keep Allen alive, so he was thinking that there was a possibility that Allen escaped, and, like Kanda had warned not-so long ago, had decided not to return to the Order. But of course, in that case it would be strange for him to send Satoru to them, and give the kid his name and such, which he must've realized would be relayed to the Order. So, to be sure...

"He was in the middle of nowhere Russia." half the people in the room fell.

"Um...could you be a bit more specific?"

"Well it was the middle of nowhere, he was in the middle of a friggin' forest that was in a mountain range! That's gotta be the most random place for a mansion I've ever seen. The first city I came to though was Sverdlovsk." The entire room gave an unhappy sigh, no one wanted to comb a mountain range for a mansion, but they'd all do it in a heart beat, if it'd get Allen back. Satoru was sighing though, not because he wasn't looking forward to searching for Allen (actually, he remembered exactly how to get to the mansion), but because he was remembering having to make his way through an unfamiliar forest.

"Well, ok, he's in Russia. Could you tell us his condition? And if there were any other people with him?"

This was the part Satoru wish he didn't have to relay. Allen's condition could be summed up in one word: horrible. Still, he really doubted he could give that for an answer, the two in the corner recording everything that happened wanted detail, he could tell.

"It was...bad. He was alive, they were keeping him alive, they actually had me bring him in food and take him out of his straitjacket..." Satoru, looking back on it, thought that was either an utterly stupid move, and an extremely arrogant one on the Noah's part. But then, the bad guys always end up ruining themselves by getting too cocky and then making a careless move.

All the other occupants of the room were already horrified, save for Bookman, who's expression was unreadable. Lavi's guilt multiplied ten-fold, and Komui and Reever were visibly sickened at the thought of Allen being treated like a mental patient, Komui feared that such treatment might turn the boy into one. Kanda looked down, anger flowing through and over him freely. The fact that his brother had to see something so undoubtedly pitiful and cruel was bad enough, but to think that the Noahs had done something like that at all...they would pay.

"When I took the jacket off, he seemed to be in one piece, but there were so many cuts and bruises and poorly-treated wounds, plus some really.._.weird_...things." Satoru didn't want to say he saw what was most definitely bite marks and hickeys all over the poor boy's neck. "It was...almost...scary at first. Not scary like I thought he would attack me, but just...scary. At first, he looked kinda void...his eyes were completely unfocused, it was like someone sleeping with their eyes open, or like..." Everyone could venture to guess that he was going to say 'like a corpse'. "He looked...broken, for lack of a better word. When I first came in, he mistook be for you, Nii-sama. And when he realized I wasn't, it was like he started changing, right in front of me, like he was coming back to life, starting to function again, like someone flipped a switch in him. It was the weirdest thing, watching him pull himself back together like that." Satoru knew people weren't capable of such quick recoveries, chances were that Allen fell right back apart as soon as he was alone. "He was afraid of me, at first. He didn't want me in arm's reach of him." An oppressive silence fell over the group, just what had happened to Allen?

The silence was broken when Komui got professional again. "You said "They" were keeping him alive, who were they?" Was it possible that Allen had fallen into the hands of a completely unrelated group of people? Maybe he really was in an asylum? Maybe the Earl got some sick satisfaction out of breaking the boy and had just dumped him somewhere? It could happen, Komui couldn't think of anything worse the Earl could do to the Order, or Allen. Taking there hope, and then breaking him, and leaving the broken shards of a hero out for all those who believed in him to see. Never killing him, just letting him know, that he was useless now, and that they were the ones who'd made him so.

"The ..." Satoru knew who they were, of course he knew! But he didn't want to explain why he'd been there, he still remembered Allen's face when he'd shown Allen his markings. He had realized then that they weren't something he could show freely in this particular crowd. Still, misinformation would do these people no good, which, in effect, would do Allen no good. "The...Noahs." Luckily, Satoru's hesitation was taken as uncertainty, as though he weren't sure if he was correct.

Kanda stood abruptly, enraged. "Well, we know where he is and we know they've still got him so let's go and fucking get him!" Actually, Kanda thought they were wasting time already, they should've left the moment they knew where Allen was. all these questions could be asked later!

"Calm down Yuu, we need to learn more about the situation before we go rushing in." Lavi said, not wanting Kanda to rush off and do something stupid or life-threatening.

"Che, of all the people telling me to calm down..."

"Play nice children. Kanda sit down, because you are not going to storm up to Russia just yet." Reever said, a hint of steel in his voice. He'd lost plenty of comrades, more than he knew what to do about, he wasn't about to lose more by sending them on some suicide mission to the Noah's lair. At least not until they knew enough to have a half-decent chance of surviving.

"Satoru," Bookman spoke for the first time since the young boy's arrival, and he sounded just as Satoru predicted, old. "Why, might I ask, were you in the Noah's hide out to begin with? Does that have any connection to why the Gatekeeper mistook you for an Akuma?" Bookman, sharp as always, didn't miss it when fear flashed in Satoru's eyes. He was afraid, would these people turn on him? Would his brother turn on him? Would he be killed? Or would he have to leave? He didn't want to leave this place, where his brother was, where Yuu had called home for so long, he wanted to call it home too. His fear was slowly becoming apparent to everyone else in the room.

"U-um..."

"It's ok Satoru, nothing will happen to you. We won't hurt you, no matter what it is." Kanda reassured, Satoru prayed to God that Kanda was telling the truth.

"Be-because..." Satoru didn't know how to outright announce it, so instead he just pointed to his forehead. Kanda cocked his head to the side questioningly, before moving his hand over where Satoru pointed. He lifted the curtain of black, and at first saw nothing. The original wounds had healed, and Satoru learned to control his Noah side while traveling to the Order. Slowly, black began to seep from nowhere onto Satoru's skin, and it took all of Kanda's willpower to stop himself from moving away.

_oh God no..._

Lavi and Bookman were the first to go on guard. Neither could believe that they'd just opened the doors of the Black Order for a Noah. But no one made a move against Satoru, instead, after a minute or so of close inspection, the two dropped their guard; he was only a kid, a scared kid. No one could find it in themselves to hurt Satoru at the moment, because it was obvious, he, more than anyone in the room, was afraid of himself.

Understanding something, and being able to deal with something are two completely different things, Satoru knew. He understood himself, and what was happening to him. But how was he supposed to deal with it? He was different, and constantly changing, he wasn't normal, he was born his brother's enemy! How could he deal with that!? He was frightened by himself, being alone on the journey to the Order. He'd felt this unexplainable superiority over countless people, only realizing later that they were Akuma. Anytime someone made him the slightest bit angry, he had to stop himself from trying to kill the person. He'd never had those types of feelings before, and though he knew they were caused by his Noah side, he didn't know how to deal with them!

"Th-they found me...I was on the streets with my forehead splitting open and they found me...I don't think they expected Allen to be so lively...I think...they expected my presence to scare him. And I don't think they expected me to leave either...the room they gave me looked like any old room, with windows, dressers, a bed, like they'd been waiting for me. I'm sorry..."

Everyone stared at Satoru for a moment; he'd actually left the Noahs?! Everyone in the room was sure that there was some bond or other holding the Noah together, and to the Earl, it didn't seem all that easy to break, and yet this little one had just...run away?

"Allen...he told me to come here, he said Nii-sama was here, so I came here. He said to get away... before they did the same thing to me they did to him..."

"Put you in confinement?! I really doubt they'd do that to another Noah." Komui said, wondering what lies Allen had fed the kid to get him here, not that he had much of a problem with getting Satoru to them, but it's always better to persuade people with the truth. Satoru was a bit confused, he wasn't that stupid, and he'd already been told that wasn't what Allen meant. He thought that the Order would know already, that they'd know about Allen.

"Not that, I thought that's what he meant at first too but it wasn't..." Kanda looked towards Satoru with wide eyes, how much had Allen told him? Had Allen been so eager to get Satoru out of there that he'd spilled his story to the kid? Had he been that desperate to get Satoru to the Order? And was his brother going to blurt everything out now? "...He never told me what he meant." Kanda let out a small sigh of relief; of course his brother was smarter than that.

"So, do you know what Noah you are?" Komui asked. He was rather ashamed for thinking like this as soon as the threat of attack was gone, but it couldn't be helped. Maybe Satoru could tell them about the Noah, maybe he could give them insight to the Noah mentality, and their physical condition, and their regeneration abilities and all sorts of mysteries that followed in the Noah's wake. The possibilities were endless. Reever hit Komui over the head with a stack of papers, he knew where the other man's thoughts were, they were in the same place they went when he was examining and "fixing" innocence...

"The Noah of Knowledge..."

Now Komui wasn't the only one thinking that way, Bookman was almost salivating at the thought of all the information they could learn from Satoru; finally, they could explore the one side of history that all the Bookmen before him couldn't! Lavi was thinking the same thing too, he just wasn't as eager to learn about the Noahs as his mentor was. Still, he was pretty damn close...

Kanda could venture a guess at what everyone was thinking...and he didn't like it one bit, his brother was not going to be a lab rat, and he wasn't going to be interrogated. They could at least give him a chance to move in! Geez!

"Well, Noah or not, you're still human, and you're still Satoru, so make yourself at home here in the tower." Reever said, seeing at he was the only one besides Kanda who was capable of speaking without asking Satoru questions. "We'll have a room made up for you by tomorrow, for now you can sleep in Kanda's room, if he doesn't mind." Kanda gave Reever a look, as if saying "Why the hell would I mind?"

"Yes, we'll do that. Get him fed Kanda, the poor chap looks starved. Lavi, don't torture the boy, and get Lenalee so she can give Satoru a tour later!" Komui was looking very, very energetic, oh how hyper he was because of this new find, how very hyper indeed. He'd need to use one of his labs, to satisfy his curiosities until Kanda and Reever would let him ask questions...

000

As Kanda, Lavi, and Satoru walked through the dining hall, people stared blatantly. Some looked frightened enough to wet themselves, and at least one did. There was a mini-Kanda walking around, who wouldn't be?! Kanda was mentally laughing, oh how the little people scurry when in fear... he was in a good mood, it couldn't be helped...

"Nii-sama."

"Yeah?"

"Everyone's staring at us."

"I know."

"Nii-sama..."

"Yeah?"

"They seem afraid of me...and they seem even more afraid of you."

"They are."

"Nii-sama..." Kanda gulped inaudibly... he got the feeling he was in trouble...

"Yeah?"

"What did you do...?"

"YOU'RE BROTHER'S A FRIGGIN' DEVIL WHO'S TERRORIZED US FOR YEARS!" Lavi declared, dramatically at Kanda. The entire dining hall gasped in unison; one, because they'd just found out that the mini-Kanda was actually Kanda's little brother, and two because Lavi had dared insult Kanda.

"Lavi..."

"Yeah?"

"I'M GONNA MAIM YOU!"

"SEE!?! I TOLD YOU SATORUUUUUU!" and so, the game of cat and mouse began anew.

**Ehehe...the Satoru-Lavi-Kanda interaction is so fun to write...it's a little island of comedy in a sea of angst. We'll get back to Allen next chapter, finally... man...when will the actual romance come into the picture...ya know? Confessions? J'taime and all that? Why can't Saya answer questions about her own story? **

**Anyways, seeing as Saya's gotten a lot of ok's from people to continue with her third-person a/n's, she's gonna keep going with that. Now is the time where you should say you don't like it though, so that Saya can get to remembering the people who get annoyed by it, so she doesn't do it when replying to reviews. Ok, well, au revoir, Saya's got some world history homework that she needs to stop procrastinating on. **


	59. Get Away

**Yeah, So...sorry it took so long for Saya to update again, she got back a few days ago but...she didn't want to update until she knew she had everything settled to some extent. Because it would be really annoying you know, to get back to work, then have to take a few days off for something or other. It's like having a day off in the middle of the school week, really fuckin' annoying. So anygay, on to the show!**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

59. Get Away

Pain, it hurt, everything hurt. Talking, moving, breathing, thinking, _living_ hurt. He didn't want to be alive anymore, he was ready for a new pain, a final pain. It hurt to exist, he didn't want to anymore. His innocence, which had once been so powerful, no longer shone with energy and strength, it was dull, it looked dead. It refused to work for him, even now, it wouldn't give him anything, not hope, not death. His innocence had abandon him, he felt only pain, he didn't want to exist like this.

000

"_Lavi, Kanda, you two will be sent off on the first train tomorrow. Get some rest while you can now." Komui instructed; he was elated at the thought of getting Allen back, but at the same time he was highly aware of how dangerous this mission was. "This is a stealth mission, sending anymore than you two will probably attract too much attention. I don't want you two to fight the Noah, you just go in, get Allen, and get out."_

"_I want to go too, brother." Lenalee said, she was so desperate to see Allen again, the boy whom she'd once loved, and who was now one of her closest friends. She wanted to help him, to heal him, to bring him back from whatever dark corner of his mind he'd receded into. _

"_That's out of the question." Komui said, like hell he was sending his sister into the lion's den. Besides, God only knew how horrid a sight she would encounter if she went. Though he was usually eager to let Lenalee do as she wanted (as long as it didn't involve men.), he was going to have to put his foot down on this one, and if he had to, he'd tell her as her supervisor that she could not go._

"_But broth-"_

"_I agree, you shouldn't go, Lenalee-san." No one was expecting anyone to interfere with the siblings' quarrel, much less Satoru. Lenalee looked at him, confusion and hurt plain in her face. Satoru quickly went about explaining himself. "I only met you today, Lenalee-san, but I can tell, you're kind, you're kind like he was, that selfless type of kindness. People like you don't deserve to see such things, you should only see the beautiful things in life, and that room... it will definitely not be so. Besides, I don't think Allen would want you to ... see him like that." Lenalee bowed her head in defeat, there was just something about Satoru's honest and sincere nature that made it impossible to say a word against him. "But I would like to go."_

"_Definitely not, Satoru! We can't give the Noah a chance to take you back." Komui didn't want to risk losing Satoru, the Order's newest "family member", to the Noah. "Or...did you want to go back?" _

"_Never! I don't know about the current status of this war, or why Allen was taken, but when I saw him he looked broken! he talked to me though, he was in pain and yet he was still so kind to me, he was afraid of me and yet he helped me get here. He...Allen...seemed too nice, too nice for that treatment, to nice to deserve any of it. I want to save him... before he stops wanting to be saved._

"_I can speed up your search! I remember exactly how to get through the forest and to the mansion. I know what room he's in, and I could probably pick the locks to it easily enough. You've got to let me go, for the sake of efficiency if nothing else." Satoru looked determined to go, and once again, no one could find it in them to go against him, no one could deny him the chance to save Allen._

"_...Alright, you'll go too, but be careful."_

Kanda sighed as he looked up at his ceiling. Satoru was curled up by his side, clinging to him just as he had years ago. The only difference now was that they were a lot bigger and their bed a lot smaller. Stupid, western beds...

"_Yuu-nii, you kept the beads I gave you!"_

"_Of course, they've always protected me."_

How had his brother lived for all these years, if he could be made happy by such small things? What had made him such an excellent judge of character? What made it possible for him to care about someone so much when he'd only known them for a short time? What had he seen in Allen that made him want to save him?

"_I want to save him... before he stops wanting to be saved._"

Had Allen already given up? Was it already too late to do that? Had Allen already given up, even before he'd met Satoru?

_Allen, I swear, if you used Satoru as some sort of last message to the Order..._

000

The air felt cold, suddenly, Allen felt unusually uneasy. He was no longer used to feeling anything anymore, everything was drown out by that same old pain that never left him alone. The physical and the mental mixed into an incomprehensible mess. Still, he was aware enough to realize that day would be different.

His door was opened, but Allen didn't remember hearing footsteps.

"So this is what became of The Destroyer of Time, Allen Walker? ♡"

Allen looked up, eyes wide, this was probably the quickest reaction he'd had to anything in months.

_The Earl...do they really think I'm that far gone? That I'll just do whatever they want now? I won't go back and play their role, I won't go back at all._

Allen was surprised at the sudden clarity of his thoughts. But he was face to face with the person (if you could really call the Earl a person) that he lived to defeat, so it only made sense that his first reaction was to resist. Unfortunately, that was about as far as his clarity went.

"You seem quite useless now, Allen. ♡"

Allen wanted to prove he wasn't, but he couldn't. His innocence might as well have died, and he just didn't have the strength to do anything. Tyki and Rhode had stopped bothering with his straitjacket, because he wouldn't move, he couldn't. Besides his obvious injuries, he wasn't being fed nearly enough, and his lack of energy was the only clue to the fact that his innocence wasn't completely dead, it was still alive and leeching off of him. He hadn't tried to talk since Satoru left, and he wasn't sure he could anymore.

"You are useless now to me as well. ♡ no matter which side of the war you fight on, you will only be a hindrance. Since that's the case, why don't we send you back to the Order? ♡"

Allen didn't want to go back, they'd keep him alive, and they wouldn't trust him. They wouldn't trust him in the least, but they'd _force_ him to stay alive. It'd be no better that just staying in this room! They'd try to bring him back, they'd pity him, but they wouldn't trust him. They'd just smile sympathetically over his situation as he was confined or restrained.

He hated the Earl now more than ever. The Earl had the power to kill him, he had a _reason_ to kill him, but he wouldn't, he was going to deny Allen that release. What was worse was that he made Allen feel useless; Allen would be alive, with all the means to help people, but he wouldn't be able to use them, he was just a pointless existence.

"Goodbye, Allen Walker. ♡"

000

Within three days, the exorcist group plus Satoru had made their way to Russia. Satoru wished he'd had the money to take the trains when he had went to the Order, walking took so much longer...

"Whoa, so this is the mansion? How did no one notice this?" Lavi asked in a whisper. The Noah mansion was huge, it could easily accommodate the entire science section, plus all the exorcists, and all of Cross' alcohol bottles.

"It's in the middle of nowhere, no one wants to walk this far out into a forest in the freezing cold. And even if some idiot_ did_ want to climb the mountain or something, this is off any marked paths, and it's not in a clearing or anything. The forest area is huge too, there's hundreds of miles of wilderness, what's the chances of someone stumbling upon this one little place?"

"Che, to think the Bookman's apprentice has to be told something so obvious..."

"Keep this up Sat-chan, and the panda's gonna replace me!"

"SAT-CHAN!?!"

The glare Satoru gave Lavi told him that "Sat-Chan" equaled death. But since when had Lavi ever let that stop him?

"Yeah, Sat-Chan, like Yuu is Yuu-chan, and Allen is Moyashi-chan."

"Do you only give nicknames to guys? I mean, what about that girl Lenalee? No nickname for her?"

"Eh...I don't wanna die."

"Huh?"

"Coulda fooled me... anyways, we're here, why are we wasting time?"

Satoru and Lavi realized that, indeed, they were wasting time, and Satoru lead them to the window he escaped from, because he best memorized the path from Allen's room to his own.

"Nice place..." Lavi commented as he glanced around the room.

"Yeah, I guess, I've been in better."

_What does he mean by that? Oh god, he wasn't picked up by strange rich men or something was he? What happened to him? Satoruuuuuu!_

"Calm down, Nii-sama. I didn't mean that in whatever way you took it, surely."

"Huh?" Kanda was not expecting anyone to point out his worry.

"Nii-sama, it's really obvious when you worry, you're a spazz."

Lavi looked at Satoru like he was crazy. Kanda's face hadn't even changed! Kanda hadn't spazzed! Did they have some kind of telepathy thing going on that he wasn't aware of?

_Ah...the bond of brothers..._

Lavi continued to take in everything he saw, and Satoru led the way through the halls.

"This next hall is it." Satoru said, pointing in the direction they would turn into. He checked to see if the coast was clear, but pulled his head back quickly, cursing under his breath. "shit..."

"Come out, exorcists..." All three grimaced as Tyki's voice came to their ears. He sounded more than a bit angry, and Satoru couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. The Noah had trusted him, they'd taken him off the streets and helped him understand what was going on with himself, and he'd run to their enemies, and lead them to their hide out.

The three turned into the hall, Lavi and Kanda were already prepared to fight.

"Calm down, I'm not here to guard Allen, I'm here to hand him over to you. Actually, I'm just here to open the door." Kanda blinked, Tyki seemed quite a bit different from the last time he'd seen him. Before, he'd been so enthusiastic about getting Allen back, and now that he had him, it seemed like he wanted nothing to do with the white haired boy.

Tyki glared, specifically at Satoru, before letting out an annoyed growl and throwing the locks open, then swinging the door open with a loud bang.

"The Earl doesn't want him anymore. Take him, the brat's useless anyhow."

_We don't need someone who'd make us lose a family member..._

Tyki wanted to take Satoru back from those damned exorcists, oh how badly he wanted to. He was sure he'd have no problems defeating the exorcists either, but he had a suspicious feeling that if Satoru didn't want to come to the Noah side, then he wouldn't be able to make him. They may have both been Noahs, but that doesn't make their abilities equal. He couldn't be sure that Satoru hadn't awakened his special powers yet. If he had though, and Tyki tried to fight him...well, there's a reason they say that Knowledge is power.

As soon as Tyki was out of sight, the three rushed into the room. Kanda stayed by the door, he knew that was as far as he could go. Lavi ran right to Allen's side, and it took all of his self restraint to not hug the kid. Satoru stopped halfway between the door and Allen, the room had changed since he'd last been there.

_Blood, there's blood all over...why? Before ...before this place was clean, but now..._

He looked over to Allen, he was just as bloody as the room. Poorly treated wounds were hidden behind soaked-through bandages. He was unhealthily thin, his hair was no longer white, but now a pinkish-red color, and the room held the stench of coagulated blood. That's all that was anywhere, the once pure-white room was now dyed red, like a room of blood. The only thing that hadn't changed was how Allen was huddled in the back corner.

"Allen? Allen! It's me, Lavi! We're bringing you back to Headquarters, ok?" Lavi made sure not to touch Allen, but it didn't matter, he was close, too close!

Allen shook his head, flakes of dried blood falling from it. He felt dizzy, but he continued the motion anyways. "Allen, don't worry, we won't hurt you. Satoru-chan brought us here, we're gonna bring you back." Allen never stopped shaking his head.

"G...get...away..."

**Oh, poor Allen, to be so beyond everything now... Poor Lavi, Kanda, and Satoru, they wanted to save Allen and there he goes, confirming their worst fears... Yeah...Saya ended up writing just as much over vacation as she usually does in one week, about two chapters... at least she's not behind and she gets a break for a week...hm...Saya's thinking about making some forums for her stories but...eh...she doesn't know...**


	60. Suns and Moons

**Yeah... Saya's back...cliffhanger is no more. She wants to read the most recent chappie of Nightingale... it's such a good story and she has only read the first few paragraphs of the most recent chapter...she's waited forever...must get back to that story...**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

60. Suns and Moons

"G...get...away..." It was quiet, and Lavi almost missed it, almost. He heard Allen's small plea and backed away just a little.

"Allen, what do you mean? We're here to bring you back. You don't have to worry about anything now, we'll handle it all."

"Get... back."

Kanda bit his lip, and looked away from the room, he couldn't hear what Allen was saying, but he could guess what it was, based on Lavi's reaction. He could hardly stand this. He didn't want to just stand back and watch, he wanted to do something. But he knew, if he went anywhere near Allen, it would only make things worse, they'd never get him out of this red room. It was completely his fault that he was so useless now, he knew. For an entire year, he'd dug both his and Allen's grave, now he resided at the bottom, and he'd have to crawl back up from it's depths. It didn't matter anymore that things had been taking a turn for the better the last time he'd seen Allen, he was sure Allen couldn't even remember that time.

Lavi was worried, Allen couldn't see him. Well, in the literal sense , yes, he could, but all Allen was really seeing was another person who wanted to hurt him. Lavi didn't want that though, not at all. He wanted to save Allen, he wanted to bring him out of the black and red and white and wrap him in a comforting light, he wished he could be that light. His old infatuation was far from gone, but even though he wanted so badly to help Allen, he had wasn't sure if he could. He'd never been a "sun" person, he just acted that way. Lavi was a "moon" person, someone who only shone because of others, he wasn't bright on his own. Allen was a sun though, but he was a dying one, Lavi didn't care if he was a moon, he wanted to set that sun ablaze once again.

"Allen, it's me, Lavi, remember? I promised you a long time ago that I would never force you to do anything you didn't want to do. I promised to listen to what you needed me to, too. Those were life time promises. I'm not going to hurt you now."

Words had stopped making sense to Allen, they had stopped making sense to him the moment he realized just how useless he was. There was really no reason to make sense of things after that. He just continued to shake his head.

"Allen... do you... want to stay here?" Allen kept shaking his head, he didn't want to be anywhere! He wanted to be with Mana, he wanted to be where it was safe! Why wouldn't anyone let him go?

"Then come on, let's go."

"...No."

"Allen..." Lavi wasn't sure what to do, Allen didn't seem to want to do anything.

"_I want to save him... before he stops wanting to be saved."_

_God no..._

"Allen come on, stop acting like this... You've got to come back... everyone misses you, they all need you. They've searched so much, we've searched the whole world for you!" Confusion clouded Allen's face, it was as though he didn't understand what Lavi was saying. Why would anyone want to save someone as useless as him? Some selfish part of Lavi didn't want to even attempt his next plan to get Allen to "wake up", because it would be like admitting that he couldn't really do anything for Allen himself. Still, Allen coming back to them was more important than his pride. "Yuu especially, he refused to believe you were dead, he desperately wanted you to be alive. He kept searching, even when everyone else thought you'd be gone. We've all been worried and searching, will you let our efforts to find you go to waste?"

"H...huh?" Kanda had been searching for him? Kanda wanted him, the person who'd killed his family and deceived everyone, alive? He'd been looking for him? Why?

Lavi saw that look in Allen's eye, hearing the truth about Kanda had brought him to his senses somewhat. Lavi was jealous of the effect Kanda could have on Allen, even when he was like this. He wished he could do that, but the fact was that he'd been one of the first to lose hope when Allen had been taken. He'd decided long ago that he wouldn't, that he _couldn't _interfere with the two. Unexpectedly enough, Kanda was the brightest sun in the group, he alone could reignite Allen's lost flames.

"Yeah, he looked harder than any of us... they were gonna stop the search when you didn't show up after a few months, but he pushed Komui to make them continue. I think it might be a little presumptuous to say but... maybe he wants to make things right, and he's been fighting for a chance to. Will you deny him the opportunity to do that?"

_You could always make him grovel at your feet, and beg for a shred of forgiveness..._

Lavi could think of a million humiliating things he wished Allen would make Kanda do in order to be forgiven. Yeah, yeah, they're best friends and all, but still, Lavi thought that Kanda deserved a humbling experience, and begging was the least he could do to make it up to Allen. What he'd done was unforgivable, and friends or not, Lavi wouldn't let Kanda get off easy...

Allen thought, he tried arduously to overcome the mists that had settled in his mind, to remember the world he'd lived in that existed beyond these four walls. He had liked Kanda, a lot. He was betrayed by Kanda, but he stayed by Kanda, he hated and loved Kanda and had been hurt by him, but now Kanda wanted to make things right? Could it ever be right? Could things ever be fixed? Could they return to the normalcy of before? Before, when they were nothing more than spiteful Allies? Could they get beyond that? Did Kanda deserve that chance? What would be "right"?

"Allen, what do you want to do?"

Satoru watched Lavi and Allen. Lavi talked softly, in a kind whisper, and Satoru could only hear his voice, he couldn't make out what the red head was saying. Allen was starting to calm down, he was looking less and less cornered. Key words like "promise" and "right" reached his ears, but that was all. Satoru was rather surprised at how serious Lavi could be, he was suddenly developing a whole new opinion on the other. Maybe he wasn't such an idiot?

Finally, Lavi's voice was raised enough for everyone to hear, though it was still soft, and quiet.

"Allen, what do you want?"

The room was dead silent and every ear strained to hear Allen's response. Allen spoke slowly, and in an unsure voice, like he was trying to remember how to form words. "I...want to... leave."

Lavi broke out into a triumphant smile, he was so glad to finally be able to bring Allen back.

"Ok then, can you stand?" Satoru and Kanda gave Lavi a look that said "Does it look like he can stand?"

"Er...right. Mind if I lift ya?"

"It's...fine." Lavi took off his jacket, which alarmed Allen at once. Already? What had been the point of all that reassurance then?

"Calm down Moyashi-chan! it's cold outside, I cant bring you out there in just that! you need to be covered." Lavi assured, draping his coat over Allen's front, before lifting him off the ground as carefully as he could. As much as he tried to be gentle, Allen still had to grit his teeth against the pain.

"Ah, this is bad guys. We gotta get him to a hospital."

"No! I'll... be fine. Please...bring me home."

"But Allen you're hurt bad! We've gotta get you treated!"

"I've been hurting for God-knows how long...I can take...a few more days." Allen's statement was a sad one, and the way he said it, with a conviction in his voice that didn't match how weak he seemed, made the truth seem a bit more tragic.

"...Alright..."

Allen seemed almost lifeless as Lavi carried him out of the estate, he seemed so tired, Lavi just wanted to let him sleep. Still, it wouldn't be the smoothest ride back to civilization, and he could tell, Allen wasn't about to let his guard down just yet. Of course, considering his state, even Allen realized that being on guard really was just a waste of energy, he couldn't actually do anything do defend himself. Luckily, no one had any intention of hurting him.

"Allen." Allen nearly jumped out of Lavi's arms when he heard Kanda's voice; while at the time, Allen hadn't particularly liked or hated what Kanda had done to him, after all he'd gone through at the Noah estate, Kanda suddenly seemed much more frightening. Just hearing his voice made him want to crawl under a rock. Kanda wasn't blind to Allen's sudden panic, but chose to ignore it, he wasn't planning to ever hurt Allen again, he just wanted to say two words. "Look up."

Allen blinked, a little confused by the command, but did as told. He gasped in amazement. A sky that he'd never seen before was laid out above him. The air over the forests was clear, the smoke and pollution of the cities didn't reach this clean place. The lights of civilization were far off, and nothing could obstruct his view of the night sky. Like diamonds strewn across black silk, the stars shone. Black on white, so uninvolved and clean-cut, beautiful in all it's simplicity. The sky, he hadn't seen it so long, seeing it made him realize just how free he was. Allen turned his head into Lavi's chest so no one could see the tears that streaked down his face.

000

Allen didn't speak during the rest of the trip, he just stared. While they had waited for the train, Satoru had gone to buy Allen some new clothes, so that he wouldn't have to return him in just rags and Lavi's coat. Unfortunately, with his poorly treated wounds, it hurt to have anything close to his body. Luckily, Satoru had thought of that in advance, and had gotten medical supplies while shopping. They patched Allen up as best they could while on the train.

He was like a ghost, just staring into space. Even though it was obvious he was tired, it seemed like he'd forgotten how to sleep. He stayed silent, and the others soon realized that he had no intentions of saying anything more from this point on, so they just asked yes or no questions that he could answer by nodding or shaking his head. Their hearts went out to him, their burnt out sun.

000

When Allen returned to the Order, his condition was kept a secret from all but a few. The last thing the Head Nurse wanted was the entire Black Order coming to visit the currently unstable child. He was worse off than they'd thought, which was a bit surprising. Bones that had broken had healed incorrectly, and needed to be rebroken and healed correctly. He was far too low on blood, and the Nurse considered it a miracle that he was still alive. Abrasions and deep cuts festered in ways that were painful just to look at. Inner tissues were severely damaged, and there was evidence all over his body of just what had happened to him. It made Komui sick just reading the report on his condition, and the Head Nurse, had it not been for her professionalism, would've had to step out of the room numourous times while she examined him.

Those who knew of Allen's condition were free to come and go as they pleased (during visiting hours). Naturally, that meant Lavi was up there whenever he could be, and Satoru was Allen's constant companion. Komui had done a thorough examination of Allen's innocence, and found that physically, nothing was wrong with it. He had a theory on why it wouldn't work for him, but it wasn't the prettiest.

"His innocence stopped working for him because he lost the will to live. That's my theory anyway. He wanted to die, but instead of turning into a weapon for him to harm himself, it focused on keeping him alive, even though it should've been impossible for him to."

"So, Crown Clown wanted Allen alive that badly, eh?" Bookman asked, more to himself than anyone else.

"Yes, it seems he's not done being an Apostle of God."

**Whoa, thanks to last minute stuff that Saya felt the need to add in, what she wrote over he vacation actually came up to three chapters instead of two. Woot for working! Er.. Speaking of working...Saya's got a book to read of w.h... and, because it seems that a lot of you guys got a lot going on at the moment school-wise, Saya just wants to say good luck to you all! Ganbare!**


	61. Anger and Pain

**Well, Saya just got some homework out of the way. It was a real pain but at least it only took an hour. Now Saya knows all she needs to know about becoming a freelance writer. Go her. Nyeh. To the story!**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

**62.** Anger and Pain

It was the very day after the information that Allen's condition had stabilized had been released, and Lenalee, who had not been allowed to see him until then, came to him. It was late, and far past visiting hours, but the Head Nurse knew that Lenalee was the least likely of any in the Tower to make trouble, so she allowed her to see Allen. Maybe Lenalee could help, she had, after all, gone through something all too similar to Allen's situation. Allen hadn't been in the tower for more than a week, and he was already on Suicide Watch.

Though it was not his intention to make others think there might be something wrong with Allen, once Komui's theory reached the higher-ups, they demanded that Allen be confined for his own safety. Both of the Lee siblings thought that was ridiculous, nothing good could come of it. They were right, when Allen had woken up and found his wrists wrapped in padding and tied to the bed posts, he panicked, and spent hours pulling at his binds even though he was so weak. When it proved useless, Allen's mind slipped back into the familiar fog. He hadn't talked to anyone after that, because Allen simply didn't talk when his mind was surrounded by the false protection of the fog.

Lenalee sat in a chair beside him, glaring at the restraints that held Allen, she hated those things, they did nothing but hurt people. She hated all her superiors that ranked above her brother, because they were so high up that they didn't feel it when one of their exorcist's was hurt, or killed. They didn't feel any of the pain that all the exorcists, scientists, finders, and everyone else felt. They just looked down from their safe little place in the world, thinking that they could ditch the whole Order as soon as the going got tough. They were a faithless bunch at the top of an organization that was based in faith, the hypocrisy was deplorable. When someone got hurt down here, they didn't think of it as a person hurting, they thought of it as if they were just tools, that needed fixing. They didn't know how to handle it when people where in despair, like Allen was, like she had been, so they just focus on keeping people alive, not bothering to think about how their methods would hurt the person further.

"Allen, it's me, Lenalee, you awake?" She whispered; he wasn't facing her and his eyes were closed, but his breathing wasn't as regular as a sleeping person's. He turned to face here, which was all the hint she needed to know he was awake.

"So, how are you feeling, better?" Allen shrugged, a noncommittal reply that annoyed Lenalee to no end.

"Why won't you speak?" She asked, though she didn't expect an answer. She hated this, Allen wouldn't talk to her because of those pointless restraints! Lavi had told her that he hadn't spoken on the train either, but that he had talked to them a little while in the mansion, and when he'd visited Allen before. Just little answers, but he had said something, at least. It was all the restraints' fault, they had only been put on Allen yesterday, when his condition stabilized and he was able to move again.

As expected, there was no answer.

"Why? Why are you letting them take your voice away? Why won't you tell me what's wrong? You said you would...remember? It was a long time ago, but you said you'd tell me, if you couldn't tell anyone else. Back then... I didn't understand your situation, but this one is different from then, I know what you're going through...almost exactly."

Allen looked away, giving a silent scoff, he highly doubted anyone could know how he felt. Lenalee huffed at this, how would he know whether or not she understood him if he didn't give her a chance to prove she did?

"Being taken away from the people who care about you, I know that feeling. The Order stole me away from my brother, I don't understand why they wouldn't let him come with me. They kept me separated and under observation, and made me go through test after painful test, trail after spirit-breaking trial. I wanted to die... they made me want to die, it was their fault, it was all their fault, but they acted like it was mine. Then they kept me alive. They didn't even trust me to keep myself alive, but they were more than happy to tie me up and use me. It wasn't the same people, but the situation was the same, wasn't it? Those Noah hurt you, they made you hate living, and yourself, they made you want to die, and then threw you out, made it your problem, and not theirs'. I'm right, aren't I?"

Allen nodded, thinking about what she had said, maybe she would understand? Maybe she already did? Once again, Allen found himself struggling against the haze of his mind, but the same binds that held his wrists to the bed held him in the fog.

"But you're stronger than that Allen, you don't need those damned binds! You're stronger than the temptation to take the easy way out. Just because the higher-ups don't think so doesn't mean that you can't prove them wrong! Because you're stronger than that, stronger than any of them want to believe! Please don't lock away your voice just because a few people think less of you..."

Allen shook his head, he wasn't strong, he didn't feel strong. He was pathetic and weak and useless; she didn't understand after all. He tugged lightly at the restraint on his right hand, not trying to get out, but just to say "You're wrong, I'll always choose the easy way out."

Lenalee's face twisted into an angry scowl as she put her arm in front of his face and quickly pulled her sleeve up. Scars criss-crossed over what was once unblemished skin.

"So what Allen?! So what if you have scars, so what if there was a time where you'd rather kill yourself than live? I've got those scars too! We've _all _got those scars! Maybe not on our wrists, but every single person who cares about you has the same scars caused by wanting to die! You're not the only one!" With a huff, Lenalee's hands dove for the restraint nearest to her and started working the leather strap through the belt loop that held them in place. "What's important is that even after you get those scars you keep on living! If you can't go through with it then that means you have a reason to keep living! You have to keep going, keep walking through the day, keep walking forward!" Lenalee walked around the bed to undo his other restraint.

Allen wanted to cry, "keep walking", Mana had always said that to him, and he'd followed it to the best of his abilities, so why had he suddenly stopped? Because a few Noah wanted him to stop? Why had he forgotten the words that he lived by? Why did Lenalee know those words? What had he done to deserve someone who would tell him what he needed to heard when he needed it most?

"You don't need these dumb bonds, you're stronger than that, so I'm taking them off! Lavi, Kanda, and Satoru saved you from the Noah, and now I'll save you from this ignorant Order with it's stupid precautions that never work!" Lenalee worked furiously at his last restraint, and as soon as it was undone, Allen hugged her. Lenalee was quickly snapped out of her anger by his unexpected move; as far as she'd heard, he'd been afraid of physical contact since he returned, and the story why wasn't that hard to guess.

"Thank you...Lenalee..."

"There's no reason to than me...we're friends aren't we?"

"Yeah..."

000

Allen slowly started making conversation with people again. Just small talk, at first, mostly random things; everyone was just glad that he was speaking to them, they'd been worried he'd stay mute. Kanda was happy too, of course, but he still never visited, he didn't feel he had the right to and he was too afraid to face Allen.

"Yuu, you should go visit the kid, I think he's waiting for you."

Kanda gave Lavi a sideways glare, a frown forming on his face. "Che, why would he?"

"Because that's just how things are, and you know it."

"...Like I'd ever."

"You made a bigger fuss than anyone over finding Allen when he was missing, and you practically threatened half the European continent in order to get Allen back home quickly without interference. Everyone already _knows_ you care about him, it's a bit late to try savin' face, so just visit him, he's waiting."

That was quite the embarrassing truth to be confronted with, but Kanda had to bare with it.

"...Maybe later."

000

"Hey Allen! Feel any better today?" Allen looked over the book Lavi had brought for him to see Satoru coming toward his bed, pushing a trolley filled with food. "Ehe, lunch is served."

Allen nearly jumped on the food; it had been a few weeks since he'd gotten back, and he'd definitely gotten better, physically and mentally too. His trust in most people was still rather shallow, but there were exceptions, like Lenalee, Lavi, and Satoru. Kanda could've been included in that too, maybe, if he'd ever bothered to visit in the first place!

"Your appetite gets bigger and bigger every day Allen..." Satoru said, ever amazed at how much Allen could inhale. You really couldn't call what he did eating, he was breathing in his meals.

"Hehe, it's because of my innocence, I'm always eating for two."

"Must be interesting being one of the few human males on the face of the planet who knows what it's like to carry a separate being in you..."

"Are you relating me to a pregnant woman?"

"Not at all..."

Their light banter came to a close, and Satoru's mood shifted to a darker one as he looked down. In all this time, Allen's innocence still hadn't started to work for him again. "Allen... do you still.. want to..."

Allen looked up, highly embarrassed, and shook his head hard enough to make the room spin. He was rather ashamed that he'd been so hopeless, he wasn't supposed to be that way. "No, no, no, I'm fine now but..." He looked down at the cross in his hand, it's glow was dim, but at least it was glowing again. "I think my innocence lost faith in me...I've got to earn it's trust back before it will work for me again." It was a sad truth, the fact that he'd lost Crown Clown's trust, but he swore he'd get it back, he'd work hard and get it all back.

_I'm sorry Mana, I did it again. I forgot what you told me, I forgot to keep moving forward, I tried to take the easy way out. I'm sorry...but I'm going to make it up to you too._

"I see, well, for now you must eat, right?"

"Food, how I missed thee..."

Satoru smiled as Allen went back to inhaling his lunch.

_I feel as though Allen is stronger than even he gives himself credit for. He's got something powerful driving him to get better, I'm sure he'll be well again soon._

"Sat-chaaaaan! Time to clear out!" Lavi's voice came from the door; Satoru pouted.

"No it's not! It's lunch and I only just got here! Visiting hours are far from over!"

Lavi came into the room with an incredibly happy and slightly devious look on his face. He was feeling very triumphant at the moment. "Now, now, don't be cross, Allen's got a _special_ guest, got me?" Lavi whispered in a hinting tone, quietly enough so that Allen couldn't hear him.

"A special guest?"

"Right, so just come with me Sat-chan!"

"Stop calling me that!" Despite his yelling, Satoru was easily pushed out of the room by Lavi. On the way out, Satoru passed Kanda, who was feeling quite awkward for waiting outside as Lavi cleared the room. He would've been fine just sitting around and watching Allen and Satoru talk, but Lavi just had to make a production of his deciding to visit.

"Nii-sama are you-"

"Come on Sat-chan, Yuu-chan's embarrassed enough as it is to be acting so nice, don't make it worse or he'll run away blushing!"

Two punches hit Lavi at once, and Lavi decided that it was time for him to rethink his fate of being a human punching bag. Really, he wasn't _that_ masochistic.

000

A few moments later, familiar footsteps entered the room, and Allen froze when he saw Kanda; he was just starting to get well again, and Kanda still wouldn't let him rest? Allen wasn't thinking very logically; after all, why would Lavi help Kanda hurt him? Still, the fact was that Allen wasn't thinking straight, and had been expecting something of this nature to happen. Some dark part of his mind that he was constantly battling with had realized that God had forsaken him, that he'd killed too many people to ever be forgiven. It didn't matter what he did because he'd been condemned already. That dark side of him still saw the world as a living hell, and believed it didn't matter if he was alive or dead, because he was in hell either way. That stupid dark side of his was probably why his innocence still wouldn't work for him. He'd get rid of it one day, but at the moment, it's what had control of him.

Kanda saw the fear, sadness, and cynicism in Allen's eyes, the other looked like a lost puppy who'd been kicked too many times. Kanda knew it was his fault though, it was his fault that he couldn't even walk through the door without throwing Allen into despair, and undoing all the progress the other had made. He knew he should've just stayed away, but Lavi kept pushing him to come... He'd really dug his own grave on this one.

Instead of going to sit on Allen's bed, as was expected of him, Kanda sat on the floor at the foot of his bed, staring at the wall in front of him, because he couldn't look at Allen, he didn't deserve to. Allen was still tense, he could feel it.

"The door is unlocked and open, you can leave anytime you feel like it."

Allen looked to the door, and sure enough, it was open, he was tempted to run for it. But then again, considering that half his bones had been re-broken and set back in place, it would be a very slow escape.

"But...I'd like it...if you stayed." Allen couldn't see his expression, but his voice sounded sad, and almost pleading, he had something to say and he wanted Allen to listen, he wanted Allen to _want _to listen.

All Allen could see of Kanda was the top of his head; for some reason, he'd decided to wear his hair down, he never had before, and he looked more beautiful than ever, and a little more relaxed, a little less intimidating. If Allen weren't completely afraid of being around Kanda, he would've liked to reach out and touch it. It had been something he'd always wanted to do, he'd always been curious about how those strands of black silk would feel under his fingertips, and now that he had the chance, he was too afraid to actually touch it.

"Look...I've really, really..."

"Screwed up?" Allen offered, starting to understand where this was going.

"Shut it Moyashi, I'm trying to be serious."

"Shutting it." Allen decided that he wouldn't make this any harder for Kanda than it was already. Besides, he was looking forward to an apology.

Kanda, unfortunately, couldn't think beyond this point. He'd been thinking of what to say for so long but now that it was time to actually say it all, he'd lost his words. And of course, due to his never-dying pride, the matter of apologizing was made that much harder.

"I...am an idiot. I did a lot of things that you didn't deserve, no matter who you are or what you did... my anger was no excuse... I'm... sorry."

Allen had gotten his apology, and was now at a total loss for what to do. A part of him wanted to accept that apology, to take it to heart and forgive the other, but that was a very, very, minuscule part of him. A much larger and more dominant part of him didn't want to ever believe anyone's apologies ever again, it didn't want to believe a few months could change anyone, much less Kanda.

_But...he looked so hard for me, just to make things right... I should give him a chance...right?_

The voice of forgiveness was small, and held no sway over his strained mind. At the time, the dominant part of Allen said that Kanda had no right to forgiveness, that side said that Kanda should work hard to prove that he was worthy of a second chance, the same way Allen would have to work to prove himself to his innocence.

Interestingly enough, Kanda was thinking along the same lines. He couldn't think of a single reason why Allen would forgive him, how _could_ he? He couldn't even believe he had the gall to hope for it. Still, he was here, asking, hoping. He didn't deserve the gentle kindness Allen showed others, and he wasn't sure if he really wanted it. He wanted to be punished, hell, he'd wanted to be punished before too, he wanted to be hurt, hurt so much that maybe he would somehow be able to understand even a fraction of the pain he'd caused Allen. And that was fine, because in the end, Allen wanted to hurt him too.

"I... don't think I can accept that." Was all Allen said, it was all he needed to say to shoot Kanda down. Neither said anything more, and neither moved, they just slowly got used to each other's presence again.

**Yeah, you guys have been getting really short chapters as of late, so Saya decided that this time around, she'd give you a nice long one, over 3000 words, her longest yet to ever grace ffnet. She's finished typing up everything she wrote over vacation, and now she has to start thinking again...-sigh- luckily, another vacation is coming up soon! Though, Saya will be able to update then, but at least she'll have more time to write each day... **

**Oh, and because this issue was brought up, Saya feels she must ask, would it be ok if...maybe...Saya paired Lavi with Satoru? -shotshotdead- yeah, she was thinking of doing that but she didn't know how you guys would feel about him being with an oc. So Saya is asking for your honest opinions. SPEAK YOUR MIND OR YOU CAN NEVER BE HEARD! **


	62. Color

**Holy shit there's only 13 days 'til Christmas. And this chapter would not leave Saya alone. Seriously, she kept trying to think for Less than Innocent, but this story kept assaulting her mind. She's glad she can get to it finally...oh, and LavixSatoru won 14 to 4. Yes, Saya really counted.**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

62. Color

Lavi was in a pretty good mood, as he brought up lunch to Allen. He and Satoru had been switching off the job every day, so that Allen wouldn't have to eat hospital food. Even if the Order's hospital food was better than most, it was the principle of the thing. Lavi was humming quietly to himself, thinking of how happy Allen always looked when ever anyone ever brought him food. It was kinda like a puppy-ish look, absolutely adorable. There were other things he was looking forward to, too. Kanda had started going to the hospital ward daily now, he didn't do much, he just sat in the corner and read, occasionally looking up and calling him an idiot, but it was a start in the right direction. And Satoru had been up there everyday, he only ever really left after visiting hours were over. Lavi could tell that Satoru was really happy when Kanda started coming too, because then he could see his brother all day without having to neglect Allen, who needed everyone's support the most.

It was always times like that when Lavi really hated that he was a moon and not a sun. He couldn't save Allen with his own strength, he couldn't get Kanda to stop before it all started, and he couldn't make Satoru happy by just being there. He gave off the illusion of shining but he couldn't do it on his own, and damn did he hate it. But Lavi shoved all thoughts of self-loathing to the side, today was a good day, he had the day off from his Bookman duties. He wasn't really sure why, maybe it was a reward, because he'd done an unusually good job at record-keeping while worrying for Allen, and now that the other was back he was getting a break? Lavi would like to think that anyways, but really, he knew that the old panda was just fed up because as soon as Allen got back Lavi kept getting distracted and sneaking away and his elder had just gotten fed up.

"Lunch is served lovelies!" Lavi called happily, as he pushed the trolley into the room. He could already see Allen practically gushing over the thought of more food, he obviously missed Jerry's cooking.

"Thank you!" The younger boy chirped in a sing-song voice. The simply joy that could be brought on by food was amazing, really. As Allen inhaled his food (and Lavi would forever refer to it as such, now that he found out Satoru agrees with him in thinking Allen's breathing it in), the rest of the group talked, about the random trifles that run through the male mind...well, any random mind really.

"Hey, Allen, when's your birthday?" Satoru asked. He kinda felt like visiting Allen was getting more and more like a party everyday, a thought which made him think birthday parties, which made him decide to ask Allen about his birthday.

"Kusmah" was Allen's reply, he really should've swallowed his food first.

"He means Christmas." Kanda said, and everyone looked at him, more than a little surprised. Except for Satoru, who didn't realize it was somewhat unexpected of Kanda to know that. "What?"

"I didn't know you knew that Yuu-chan."

"Well obviously I know more than you know I know."

"Try saying that ten times fast."

For some reason, Lavi decided to actually try saying that ten times fast. He got to nine, Satoru got to 5, Allen was too busy eating and Kanda thought it was ridiculous.

"Hehe, I won Sat-chan!"

Satoru stuck his tongue out in a childish manner, and huffed a little. "Don't call me Sat-chan, my name is Satoru, and "-chan" is for girls and kids!"

"But...Sat-chan is a kid..." Lavi said, looking like a hurt puppy, he looked a lot more childish than Satoru did.

"I AM NOT A KID!" Kanda sighed, he felt so bad for his poor brother, because no matter what either of them did, they'd never get Lavi to stop using those damn nicknames and that girly honorific!

"It's pointless Satoru, he's never listened to me, I doubt he'll listen to anyone else."

"Have you tried threatening him?"

"More times than I can count."

The two sighed, feeling very resigned, they'd have to deal with being Yuu-chan and Sat-chan forever...

"So, Sat-chan, when's your birthday? Since yours is the only one I don't know."

"May tenth."

"Hm..." suddenly Lavi started inspecting Satoru, it was more like he was doing a Chinese fire drill, only Satoru was a person, not a car. "Interesting..." Satoru kept his eyes on Lavi, moving to make sure Lavi was never behind him. This seemed to annoy Lavi a little, apparently, it was getting in the way of his inspection. Satoru didn't believe there was anything special on his back, so he didn't feel the need to let Lavi be behind him.

"Lavi...what are you doing...?" Allen asked, having cleared his plates and finally swallowed.

"Interesting, you're a Taurus, and you're definitely conservative enough to be one, but you seem to lack the materialistic tendencies they have..." Satoru stopped his spinning to head-palm. Horoscopes. Lavi was talking about his horoscope.

_What an idiot..._

"Excuse me." Satoru said out of habit as he slid a tray out from underneath one of the mounds of plates that were all over the trolley that had once held food. He did so in such a way that the plates weren't at all disturbed, it was a trick he'd spent years learning, so that he could eliminate the harsh clanking sound the plates made while he served meals to the nobles he once worked for. Of course, that was all completely irrelevant to the fact that he fully intended to use the tray as a weapon.

He hit Lavi over the head with it, and then politely thanked Allen for letting him use the tray so improperly. "Idiot. Horoscopes and the time of year you're born don't really have anything to do with a person's personality. I mean, they say Leos are dignified, and you sure as hell don't fit that description."

Lavi sniffled a bit as he nursed the bump on his head. "Ow...what a way to add insult to injury... you're so cruel Sat-chan..."

"Though you are dramatic, so I suppose the idiots who preach that stuff aren't too off..."

"Sure...just keep that verbal abuse comin'... and you seem to know a lot about horoscopes for someone who thinks they're crap." Lavi pointed out. He had an excuse to know random stuff about how people thought what stars you were born under dictated how you would act, what was Satoru's excuse?

"Hm...you're right." Everyone fell just a bit when Satoru said that, it was like he didn't even realize he knew something he wasn't supposed to. "Wonder why...I never studied it...never knew anyone who was particularly interested..." He thought a for a few more seconds, before he realized why he knew this. He was the Noah of Knowledge, which apparently meant he got to learn random bits of trivia too. He wasn't about to say that though, as doing so would probably dampen the happy mood of the room. "Well, whatever, onto the next topic."

"Born in May, hm?"

"I said the next topic, not the one before baka."

"Well, it is a new subject. Your birth stone is the emerald."

"So?"

"Your eyes are that color."

Satoru was tempted to get the tray again, his eyes had nothing to do with anything.

"Yup, yup, the color of newness, growth, health, and good fortune. Emeralds were said to being good luck to those who carried them, and were supposed to have healing powers, there's a million myths about them from all over. I guess 'cause you've got two that makes you doubly lucky?"

Satoru snorted at the idea. "Never brought me any luck."

Kanda understood his brother's meaning without the other going into detail. Satoru was practically bastardized because his eyes weren't the usual dark silver of their family. Kanda had always known that Satoru would've done anything to have the same eyes as him, but Kanda would've switched colors with him any day. He'd always liked the way his brother's eyes looked, they were so different, and so much prettier than the same old gray he saw everywhere. Still, even if he liked his brother's eyes, everyone else saw them as some type of proof of his mother being unfaithful. Had Kanda been the one born with those foreign eyes, his legitimacy as the next heir to the clan and to the curse probably would've been questioned to the point where Satoru ended up saddled with it all. Kanda was fine with having what he thought were plain eyes if it meant his brother wouldn't have to deal with the curse that was quickly stealing his life away.

"What'cha talkin' about? You, the brother who was lost in a world so large, not knowing if you'd ever see your dear Nii-sama again, was fortunate enough to stumble upon Allen, who was able to send you to your brother! And you ended up saving Allen too! Your eyes are totally lucky! And they match mine!" Lavi finished his speech-in-miniature by glomping Satoru. The little Kanda shuddered at being hugged by another boy.

"Nii-sama make him get off of meeeee..."

Satoru hadn't even needed to ask for help, because as soon as Lavi had made contact with Satoru's person, he'd stood up, radiating a aura that was deadly just to be around.

"Baka Lavi... Release Satoru now or I'll quarter you."

Lavi went from hugging Satoru to hiding behind him. The Satoru-shield quickly betrayed its user by stepping aside and giving Kanda a clear shot at Lavi.

Allen, who had shrunken back in fear of the murderous aura Kanda was sending out, decided that he should intervene somewhat.

"Um... could you guys not kill each other... as entertaining as this is..."

"YAY! ALLEN MY SAVIOR!" Lavi ran to Allen's side, looking at him like he was a god. He would've loved to have glomped Allen too, but his wounds were still healing, both physical and mental. It seemed as though even when they were all happy and in a good mood, they were still walking on eggshells. At least they were doing so joyously though.

"Perhaps you should get that trolley out of here though...just in case Satoru decides to brandish that tray at you again."

"Ehe...right, right." Lavi quickly got to removing all the plates, silverware, and trays from the room. They'd all eaten lunch up here, so there was a lot more than what he'd brought up originally.

Starting down the halls, he was a little surprised when he found he had company.

"Eh? Sat-chan? Weren't you just freaking out over my existence a second ago?" He asked, curious as to why he was being followed by someone who hardly had any more tolerance for him than his brother did.

"I'm not Sat-chan! And I'm only out here because Yuu-nii was going into Big Brother mode..."

"When I think of Yuu-chan in big brother mode, all I can see is him in Komui's beret with a giant power drill." That mental image was enough to make Lavi believe that if the two elder brothers joined forces, they could rule the world by fear. He wasn't expecting to hear Satoru stifling laughter though.

Noticing the inquisitive look he was getting, Satoru stopped his laughter completely. "What? It was funny, that's all."

Satoru's attempt at pulling himself together was reminiscent of a younger Yuu. Maybe that's why he teased the kid so much? Thinking of it that way, Lavi almost felt a little bad, it wouldn't be fair to Satoru if he was looking right at the kid and only saw the shadow of his older brother.

"Ya know, I meant before when I said you were lucky. I mean, the world's a big place, and that you just happened to be brought directly to someone who could tell you where your brother was? When that someone was in confinement? That was a ridiculously lucky thing. The Order's lucky you came here too, you helped us find Allen, and it was luck that when you found him he was still able to trust you enough to send you here. Any other exorcist probably would've taken you to be an enemy, and told you nothing, and you would've ended up meeting your brother on the battle field, and not at our front gate." Lavi didn't know why, but he felt like he needed to make Satoru feel ok with his eyes. He could tell that there was something about the color that got to him, but he wasn't gonna pry if he could help it.

"Hm...I guess that is lucky, but it has nothing to do with my eyes. Because of this color, people used to tell me I wasn't my father's son, I wasn't Yuu's brother, that I wasn't a Kanda. I didn't really get what they meant when they called me a bastard, I didn't see what was so wrong with me. But I realized it eventually, my brother had the right eyes, the ones that all people who are born Kandas have, but I have the wrong ones. Other kids in the family wouldn't play with me, and older family members looked on my mother and me with scorn and I couldn't understand why. Yuu-nii was the only one besides my parents who was nice to me, and he spent all his time making sure that I didn't hear the things they said. I guess I kinda hogged him, and that's probably why he never got used to dealing with other people. Still, me stupid eyes made things hard for my brother and parents, they aren't lucky at all."

Lavi thought the situation over, it wasn't all that uncommon, a family scorning and neglecting what they thought to be an illegitimate child, but he wouldn't deny that it usually had bad effects.

"Tell me, were both of your parents born Kandas?" Lavi asked, thinking that there might be a reason behind Satoru's eyes being how they were.

"Of course not, we might've been an old family, but we weren't _inbred_. We'll leave that to your European royalty, thank you very much. My mother married into the family."

"And what were her parents' eye color?"

"Dunno, never saw them."

"Satoru, there's a pretty good chance that you got it from one of them. It was simply pure coincidence that you happened to get a recessive gene color."

"Hm... never even thought of that..."

"Obviously, you weren't the only one."

"...That still doesn't make them lucky."

000

Kanda sat back down when Satoru left, things suddenly felt...awkward. He hadn't been alone with Allen since he'd apologized, and honestly, he'd never thought beyond that point, because he never thought he'd actually get to it. He was almost afraid of being alone with the other, what if he did or said something stupid that completely ruined any chance he might've had at being somewhat redeemed? No, no, Kanda had no intention of giving up, he'd work until he died to get a shred of forgiveness.

"_I never even blamed you for anything...not really..."_

"_You once told me that you'd rather die than have your choices taken away, whatever happened to that?" _

"_...don't make me say it."_

Allen had been able to forgive him back then, Allen had still cared about him, even with all that he'd done, even though Allen wouldn't outright admit it, he had held Kanda close to his heart. He'd cared so much about someone who didn't deserve it that he didn't even blame Kanda for what he was doing. Kanda wasn't about to let all of those emotions go to waste. Those damned Noah had come at just the perfect time to screw everything up for both him and Allen, so Kanda would eliminate them, he'd get rid of anything that ever dared to threatened Allen. Once Allen felt safe from everything else, Kanda would show him that he was safe too, even though he hadn't always been. Then, maybe things could get better.

_Things can't get much worse, they have only one option now._

**Eh...this is significantly shorter than the last chapter (about 400 words shorter) but it's still longer than the usual, so that's good. Yeah...Saya updated out of order, but by the time she realized that she was supposed to be writing a different chapter, it was too late and she didn't have enough time to go back and write another chapter. So, it would seem her updating schedule has changed. **

**Oh, and Saya really did try to say "I know more than you know I know" ten times fast, she couldn't get past 5.**

**Lastly, because most of the people who had a problem with LavixSatoru said they didn't like the idea because Satoru was too young, if it helps put you at ease a little with it (or something...) He's currently 15, as was stated in chapter 56, and the story is currently taking place somewhere in April. He really is a bit immature for someone only half a year younger than Allen...ehe. That's 'cause originally he was going to be about 12, and Saya never got over that childish part of his personality. For the sake of the story, we'll say that seeing again Kanda caused him to go through some kinda regression.**


	63. Vengeance of a Different Kind

**This story recently experienced like... a golden age in Saya's mind or something... but now it's like the world has stopped spinning for this story... oh well, the best plot bunnies always result from writer's block...**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

63. Vengeance of a Different Kind

Lavi couldn't help but grin when he noticed that Kanda's chair, which usually occupied the corner, had gotten just the slightest bit closer to Allen's bed. Maybe it was an accident and he was just being ridiculous, or maybe Kanda was slowly moving forward. Lavi hoped for it, and at the same time, his jealous heart, which he did his best to shut up, wanted to push Kanda right back where he'd started. Lavi never had been the best at sharing.

"Hello boys! It's been a while since I've been able to visit, huh?" Lenalee came in, looking happy as usual. She had an empty tray with her, so everyone could guess that she'd just stopped by the science department. "Sorry, but Brother's been trying to invent something to make you heal faster Allen... and knowing how things usually go, I didn't particularly think you'd want that." Allen gave an uneasy laugh; the last thing he needed was some crazed robot trying to "fix" him, or some weird formula that was suppose to cure him, but ended up making him purple or something.

"Thanks, Lenalee." She was, of course, busy with other things, besides babysitting Komui, and Allen appreciated that she made time for him.

"So, what have I missed? Or am I interrupting boys' time or something?"

"More like idiot time, if you ask me." Satoru muttered, though his comment was said in good spirits. Their crazy antics usually ended in Allen laughing himself silly, and laughter is the greatest medicine.

"I see...heheh." Lenalee walked through the room to sit on Allen's bed, there were no more chairs left, and she knew Allen wouldn't mind.

"Geez, Lenalee, how could you come and visit Allen without bringing a present?" Lavi shook his head ,as though he just couldn't believe the Chinese girl would be so inconsiderate.

"Huh? Present?"

"Of course! You can't just come into a glutton's room without bringing food!" Everyone but Lavi and Lenalee head-palmed.

Lenalee looked Lavi straight in the eye, and with one of the most serious faces he had ever seen on her, she said: "If you keep giving Allen food when he can't work it off, he's going to get _fat_."

After she said that, everyone in the room involuntarily pictured a ridiculously fat Allen, _Millennium Earl_ fat. Everyone's faces went blank, and then turned into horrified expressions, except for Allen's, he'd been a garbage disposal long enough to know that his innocence just wouldn't let that happen, no matter how inactive he was.

Still, the other's just couldn't picture Allen as anything but thin and easily carried, so trying to picture him any other way was hell, because their imaginations got the best of them every time.

"Le-Lenalee-san...Don't joke like that..." Satoru said, looking close to sick; He'd seen some disturbingly large Lords and well...putting Allen's head on their bodies made for a horrible, horrible mental image.

"We're sorry Allen! We won't bring you extra junk anymore! Just the three basic meals!" Lavi, who was really just being dramatic for the hell of it, rather than actually being horrified, cried out.

"What!? Guys don't panic or anything! I'm a parasitic-type, remember? A parasitic-type! Don't stop bringin' me extra food!"

"Che... if it's such a big deal to you guys, just bring up something healthy. The Moyashi doesn't care about what he inhales."

Allen huffed at Kanda's statement, but couldn't say anything against it. He_ would _eat just about anything.

"So says the man who eats nothing but soba and tempura." Lavi said, giving Kanda a look that clearly said he had no right to tell anyone to eat healthy.

"Yeah, Nii-sama, you need to eat more than that, I'm surprised that you're not malnourished."

"Et tu, Satoru?"

Allen and Lenalee gave small, laughing smiles, these three were so entertaining.

"Speaking of food, it's going to be lunch soon. Maybe you guy should eat in the dining hall? I mean, it must be boring to eat up here every day. I wanted to talk with Lenalee about something, anyway."

"Moyashi-chan's trying to get rid of us..."

"Yes, now leave." Allen said jokingly, making a shooing motion with his hand.

"Ok, we'll give you two your _alone_ time, and hold off Komui if we see him!" Lavi joked. Lenalee took Allen's pillow and threw it at him with such force it knocked him out of the room. Satoru tossed the pillow back to her on the way out, and Kanda hit Lavi over the head with the hilt of Mugen.

Lenalee and Allen stifled their laughs as the three left, no matter what they were doing it was always funny. Then Lenalee turned to Allen.

"So what is it you wanted to talk about?"

Allen looked a little unsure for a moment, as if he wasn't sure about how she'd react. "I think I want to change. I'm tired of just pretending to be everyone's perfect boy, I think I'm gonna start letting my real feelings show. Right now, only you and a few other choice people really know me, but I don't want things to stay that way, I just want to be honest. I mean, I guess I'll still have secrets, because who doesn't? But at least most things will be out in the open...kinda."

Lenalee smiled at him reassuringly. This was great, Allen, her close friend, wanted to be honest with people now. She had been worried that he would end up being even more reclusive than before, after all that had happened. She didn't want that, because though she was inside that icy fortress that was Allen's heart, she felt she'd only just gotten through the door, she wanted to learn more. If Allen was willing to be more open with everyone, then she could only imagine how much closer he would get to her as a result. No, no, she didn't have feelings for him anymore, her old infatuation meant nothing to her now, if anything it held only some small, sentimental value.

Besides, Lenalee believed that everyone had some good in them, and even if Allen's inner self was hateful, and mistrusting, he still fought for the lives and souls of others, and risked his life for them. She knew that the real Allen wouldn't do that if he didn't really care, because the real Allen wouldn't put his life on the line for a cause he didn't care about. If Allen could care for strangers, then surely, he could come to truly care for the Order.

"I think that's great, Allen. It's hard to change, but I think you can do it. You're strong enough to. And I bet that once you've let other people see the real you, the bonds you already have with people, and the new ones you'll create, will mean much more to you than they do now. But if you ever need me, I'm right here." Allen was glad to have her support, after all, if someone who knew his real self didn't like the idea of him showing his inner self, then that would just be all the more reason to keep it forever hidden from society.

"Thank you. I need you to do something for me. Could you bring Komui down here? And Bookman too, he might want to hear this." Lenalee hadn't been expecting that. Why did he need to see Komui? What would he say that was so important even Bookman would need to be there? Was he going to tell them about what happened while he was being held captive? Or maybe he would finally tell them about the past that he had so closely guarded?

"Why do you need me to bring Komui here?"

"Because the Head Nurse won't let me leave the room, so he has to come to me."

"No, no, what are you gonna tell him?"

"Oh, just some information I've learned over the years." Allen gave a strange sort of smile, it was cold, and almost a little menacing. It gave a clear message: don't ask for any more information.

Lenalee nodded with a small smile, trying not to show how that smile disturbed her a bit. Maybe she was wrong, maybe the inner Allen was better left inside?

"Ok, I'll tell him to come down here. Knowing him, he'll probably use this as an excuse to slack off." Lenalee said jokingly, before leaving.

Allen looked at the door with slightly relieved expression.

_I think she took that quite well._

000

Kanda, Lavi, and Satoru all sat in the dining hall, happily, or in Kanda's case grumpily, eating. Because of their earlier talk about healthy eating, Lavi had forced Kanda to get some nutritious meal or other, the name for which Kanda didn't care about, he never intended to eat it. So, he was now just poking the food with his fork, he didn't like forks. They weren't hard to use or anything, he just preferred chopsticks.

Lavi had his mini-mountain, much smaller than any meal Allen had ever eaten, but still fairly large. Kanda and Satoru couldn't help but wonder what his excuse was for eating like a glutton. Satoru was happily enjoying some Udon soup, it was one of his favorites, though unlike his brother he didn't have a hang up over any particular meal. He like European food, but he'd been eating that for years, and he simply preferred Japanese cuisine.

Lavi sniffled dramatically. "I can't believe Allen got rid of us! All for a girl! Hasn't he ever heard of bros before hoes?" Lavi was promptly hit over the head with a tray.

"Who are you calling a hoe?"

Lavi looked back with a look of fear and surprise. "Le-Lenalee! I thought you were with Allen!"

"Hmph. So that's what you say about me when I'm not around?"

"O-of course not! You know Komui would've killed me by now if that were the case!"

Lenalee sat down, not bothering to continue their ridiculous conversation.

"So, what did you two talk about?" Lavi asked, ready to throw nosy question after nosy question at her, if the topic seemed interesting enough.

"Nothing, he was just telling me about something he wanted to do." Her tone, and the way she immediately started eating after she finished, made it obvious that she would not tolerate being interrogated.

"Hm, that's nice. I'm glad that Allen's getting better so quickly. I mean, if I were in his position, I'd probably be feeling too hopeless to have any plans for the future." Satoru mused aloud. He was more worried about Allen's mental state, rather than his physical one, because the Head Nurse said he'd be fine, and he was getting better. Satoru couldn't imagine making the come-back Allen did. He figured that there were just some people out there who were unbelievably strong, and he wasn't one of them.

"I don't think he's healing fast enough. He's been in the hospital for three weeks now." Kanda said to no one in particular, while poking food around his plate. If it had been him instead of Allen, he'd probably be healed by now, heck, he probably wouldn't have been injured at all when they found him! He realized that he and Allen's healing rates were vastly different though. It wasn't like he expected everything to heal automatically either, he knew that Allen's broken bones would take a while, but he was more concerned about the deep cuts the child had. Allen had come back from battles beaten and battered before, and he'd healed faster than this. What was taking so long?

"Well, what can you expect? When we brought 'im back, he was practically the definition of mortally wounded. He was kinda broken all the way through. Abrasions on the skin, ripped tissues and broken bones on the inside. There's a lot of work for his body to do, he's probably takin' longer to heal 'cause there's so much work to be done." Lavi wouldn't know any of that for sure, of course, because being a Bookman had little to do with medicine. He could tell you the _history_ of just about any type of medical treatment there was, but he couldn't perform most of them, and he most definitely didn't understand the more complicated things about how the human body healed itself and what-not.

Kanda grumbled and jabbed at a helpless piece of meat. He couldn't care less about the medical reason for Allen's slow recovery, he just wanted the kid to get better already!

Lavi grinned in a devious, teasing manner. His evil attitude was infectious, and soon, even Lenalee and Satoru were suppressing grins similar to Lavi's.

"Hehe...Yuu-chan's worried..."

"Kanda's worried..."

"Nii-sama worried for Allen..."

Kanda, who had been too busy stabbing defenseless pieces of meat, hadn't realized that he'd done something somewhat incriminating. What his crime was, he didn't know, but his punishment would be teasing. Poor guy.

"What? I am not worried. I'm just saying he's taking forever! Tch, slacking off by taking his time healing..."

"I think his ears are turning pink."

"Shut up Baka Usagi."

000

"Allen, you wanted to see us for something?" Komui asked, as he entered Allen's hospital room. Allen nodded when Komui could see him, and waved him over to one of the chairs. Bookman entered shortly after.

"Yes, thank you for coming." Allen gave a little smile, as the two sat down.

"So, why did you want me here?" Bookman asked, he wasn't often summoned in such a way, and he was eager to find out about all the things Allen kept secret. Of course, he didn't let his curiosity show.

"Just how much do the two of you, collectively, know about the Noah?" Allen's question took the two by surprise, they hadn't thought Allen would be willing to speak of that topic so soon after getting back.

"Hardly anything. The Noah are very secretive, in that they don't usually allow those who are not Noahs to know about their abilities. They appear at key points in time throughout history, but all we know is when they show up." Bookman said, his voice level and disinterested in what he was saying. He would love to know all about what the Noah could do, why they did it, and what their bond with the Earl was, but both he and Lavi were born accomodators, not Noahs.

"The Order's knowledge of them is based on the battles they are involved in with you exorcists. Some of the higher-ups hope to learn more from Satoru..." Komui himself cringed at the idea, those Grand Generals, and the people at the Vatican were a pitiless bunch. They didn't care that Satoru was only 15, and that he had only just recently become a Noah, they would put him through God knows what if it meant getting information on the Noah, and they'd say it was all in the name of God. Komui wasn't a religious man, but he was sure that the God this order was created to serve wouldn't approve of such tests. Maybe that's why so many of them failed?

Allen gave Komui a look that was a mix of disbelief, anger, and protectiveness. He hadn't missed the look of Komui's face when he said that the higher-ups wanted to "learn" from Satoru. "And just how do they want to do that?" Allen wouldn't let anyone hurt the person who'd found him, and he wouldn't let anyone be confined and hurt like he was, not even if it was the Order hurting people.

"...Experiments. Allen, you know that if I had the choice I wouldn't do any of it, but if the Vatican tells me I have to, then I have to. Fortunately though, there are a few over there with hearts, and they're trying to prevent that from happening. I'm hoping that in the end, the idea of testing will be discarded. Still, so many are desperate to find the Noahs' weakness, it could be hard."

Allen perked up a little at this; So if the Order found out a few things about the Noah, Satoru might be spared from those tests? Well, that was just perfect, seeing as that was the entire reason Allen had asked for the two to visit him anyway.

"That's what I want to talk to you about. I happen to know a lot about the Noah, and I'd be more than glad to share it." Komui, and even Bookman, couldn't hide their surprised expressions. Allen was glad to have an eager audience. Oh, he'd decided all right, he would show his real self, and that meant exposing all he could without casting too much suspicion on himself. The real Allen was vengeful, and now that he was back, and of stable mind and body, he would not let what the Noahs had done to him go without punishment. He'd had enough of them terrorizing him, he was going to strike back in the easiest way he could: Reveal every single thing he knew about them, and he knew plenty.

"So let's get started, shall we?"

**No, Saya will not actually go through their conversation. The reason being that she knows just as much about the Noah as you and wikipedia do, and that's not much. So we'll just say that Allen is spilling vital secrets. If such things are ever revealed in the manga, they'll make an appearance here.**

**Oh...and Sorry for the oh-so-late update...Saya's been so busy the last couple of days...-rolls around- **


	64. Self Satisfaction

**Sorry for the long absence... Saya's been apologizing lots lately...ehe. The river is ready for her, but she's got a term paper to finish so it'll have to wait.**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

64. Self-Satisfaction

Komui's head was reeling with all the information he'd just learned. How on earth did that child know so much? Allen knew things that couldn't just be learned from fighting with the enemy. He knew about abilities that hadn't been displayed yet, and about adversaries that the Order hadn't fought yet. He gave detailed physical descriptions of every Noah, their strengths and weaknesses. Heck, he even knew a small amount about the physical make up of their bodies. He also knew a bit about random personal preferences and Komui was almost sure he'd get an accurate answer if he asked "boxers or briefs?" It was ridiculous.

Komui couldn't help but wonder _when_ Allen had learned these things, and how he'd learned these things. The first thing that came to mind was he did some snooping while he was held captive by them, but that idea was quickly discarded. Judging by the state of his body and his mental condition, there was no way he would've been able to get so much information and then organize it in his mind the way he did.

But that gave rise to a different question, if Allen had known all of this before, why did he wait until now to tell him? If that information had been common knowledge in the Order before, then there's a good chance that Lavi would've been able to save him before he was taken. And why had no one noticed that he knew all of these things? That was a lot of information to keep secret, surely he slipped up in keeping it to himself once or twice? Komui thought back for a moment, and his mind stopped on one particular memory.

He wanted to hit himself with the clipboard he'd used to take notes; One time, just once, Allen had made his knowledge of the other side blatantly obvious. He'd created an artificial akuma, and had told Komui how to do it too. How had he missed that hint? It was glaringly obvious and he had completely overlooked it. He'd been so excited at the prospect of learning more about the akuma's structure that he failed to realize that such things could not be learned by merely observing as another worked on an akuma, or fighting with them. He had to have been taught those things.

Komui guessed that by now, Bookman had already realized that Allen had been withholding this information for a while. But just how long had the child known so much?

000

Bookman stayed behind after Komui left, he had a few questions he wanted to ask, and he suspected that Allen wouldn't answer them truthfully with the supervisor in the room. Allen's personality seemed to be changing to adapt to every situation, as though he were trying on different faces to find which one fit him best. Before, when Allen was revealing all he knew, his face was calm, almost eerily so, and his smile was cold and detached. He listed off everything as though he were getting some strange satisfaction out of spilling his enemies' secrets.

Now though, he looked almost sheepish, as though he weren't sure that he could say whatever it was he wanted to say.

"Bookman," he started, pulling Bookman out of his thoughts. "as a member of the Bookman clan, your duty as a Bookman comes before your duties as an exorcist, right?"

Bookman was a little surprised by the question, but nodded.

"That means that you have no bias toward the Order, correct? And anything you know doesn't need to be passed on to the Order?"

"That's correct."

"It's your job to keep the hidden history hidden, right?"

Bookman nodded again, wondering what Allen was getting at. Allen gave an apologetic look, he was aware that all the repetitive questions were getting annoying.

"Ok, I just wanted to make sure because I don't want this to get out or anything but I kinda need to tell someone so I figured it might as well be you, because you'd want a complete record of the Order and it's people..."Allen was silent for a moment longer, it seemed like he was still doing some last-minute debating over whether he should tell Bookman or not.

"Well...I realize that I shouldn't know most of the stuff I just said and honestly I wish I didn't know most of it because then I wouldn't get into all the trouble I always do but..." Finally, Bookman would get to hear about the mysterious past of the boy who had the world practically riding on his shoulders. Allen Walker was finally gonna reveal a little bit of his past, and if Bookman had been as energetic as Lavi, he'd be squirming in anticipation. His earlier questions were forgotten, and if he was lucky, Allen just might answer them without meaning to.

"Well...when I was younger...until I was about 13... I... sorta kinda traveled with the Noah and the Earl... But I didn't want to! I most definitely didn't!" Bookman couldn't do much beside blink; Allen had done what? For how long? Well, no wonder he knew so much, he was practically a traitor to the Earl! It made sense now, why the Noah had always given Allen more trouble than the rest of them, why they always seemed determined to take him, even when things like innocence were also at stake. That one piece of information filled in a lot of blanks.

"Er..anyway...I'm sorry for wasting your time Bookman..."

"Not at all, you've given me some valuable information for my records."

"About that... because Lavi will eventually become the next Bookman, he's the only one who will find out about this, right?"

Bookman nodded, wondering why Allen needed to know about that.

"Then do you think you could...um... not tell him until it's absolutely necessary...?" Bookman took a moment to think that over, on the one hand, he didn't really need to tell Lavi immediately, he just needed to use the notes he'd taken and turn them into an acceptable log, and tell Lavi all of this later, maybe when the war was over, assuming that they were around to see the end of it. On the other hand, Lavi, as his apprentice, should be told these things, because bookmen always pass their knowledge onto other bookmen. Still, it wasn't an urgent matter, so he supposed he could put it off.

"Your secret is safe with me, Allen." Bookman assured, before leaving Allen's hospital room.

000

"Gr...I'm gettin' tired of waiting! Damn Panda is taking so long!!" Lavi whined, as he, Satoru, and Kanda waited for permission to go back into Allen's room. The head nurse refused to let them go anywhere near Allen's door, apparently he'd been talking about something important with Komui and Bookman, and he still hadn't finished talking with the latter. Kanda and Lavi were bother wondering what was so important that they couldn't be in there, and Satoru's mind was busy trying to find a way to get Lavi to stop _whining_, or at least do it with a little more dignity.

A black streak went through the air, and before he realized it, Lavi was on the floor, feeling like he had a concussion. He'd recognize that shoe-size anywhere, it was undoubtably Bookman that had just kicked him. Satoru decided that was a fine way to stop Lavi's whining, he'd have to see if it was as effective when he did it.

"What was that for panda?!" Lavi asked indignantly as he got back to his feet. Bookman just gave him an "I don't have to explain myself to you" look, and hopped on his head one last time before exiting the room, making Lavi do another face plant.

"I'm so abused..." Lavi sniffled for effect. The Kanda brothers ignored him and walked into the room, leaving the bunny boy to nurse his injured face.

Satoru immediately noticed a different air about Allen, something seemed different from before, though he couldn't quite place what it was. He decided he'd just have to find out while he was there, he had hours left before he had to leave. He wasn't the only one to notice it, but he was the only one who was alarmed by it. Lavi and Kanda had both already faced this "Allen", this strangely happy Allen, that was more self-satisfied than joyful. A dark feeling always came to them when this side of Allen came out, because his satisfaction wasn't usually caused by something good. In this case though, it was a good thing, for the Order. Not so great for the Noah or the Earl, and the fact that he'd done it purely as revenge didn't help either. Still, the two had grown used to it, there was nothing for them to feel worried over anymore, Allen was just a little more real this way, even if that wasn't always a good thing.

"So what were you talkin' to Bookman about?" Lavi asked, ever curious. He was sure he could just ask Bookman later and find out, after all, he had a right to know everything that the old man did. Still, he'd rather hear it from Allen rather than have to go behind his back for information.

"Just a small matter that needed to be cleared up." He gave Lavi the same grin he'd given Lenalee earlier, the one that said he wouldn't allow for further questioning on that matter. Satoru, who hadn't seen that particular smile yet, made a mental note of the strange behavior. Satoru didn't quite have Lavi's memory, and he was far from having Bookman's intellect, but he was determined to memorize and piece everything together.

000

Satoru sighed wearily as he plopped on his older brother's bed, staring at the ceiling as his brother prepared for bed. The people from the logistics section had told him his room was clean and ready to be moved into, but he didn't want to move out just yet. Every second he spent with his brother was valuable, he was making up for nearly a decade of lost time. Actually, in two months, it would be a decade exactly, since that horrific attack on his home. He knew that he _should_ move out of there, he knew that it wasn't _normal_ for two boys their age to share a small bed, siblings or not. Heck, that was one of those things that freaked him out most. Still, he just couldn't bring himself to care all that much, not when there was time to be shared and made up for with Yuu.

He already decided that he'd be out by his birthday though, it was in about two weeks. He wouldn't be a baby forever. For now though, he'd let himself act as childish as he wanted, after all, his childhood had been cut tragically short in a rather depressing way, he felt he had a right to act a little immature for a while.

"Yuu-nii, Allen was acting a little strange today, wasn't he?" Satoru asked, though it was more of a statement. Kanda slid his night-shirt on the rest of the way before answering.

"To you, maybe, you haven't seen this side of him. That cold feeling you were probably getting around him was because he's letting his "real" self show through. Allen's not all sugar-cookies and smiles, surprisingly enough, he's nothing so 2D. I'm a little curious as to why he's stopped pretending now of all times though..." Kanda's voice had become a murmur by the end of his explanation, his last sentence was more to himself than Satoru.

"His real self?"

"Yes, the Moyashi's gone through a lot more than you know, it's his story so I won't tell it, but it messed him up really bad. He's really pretty hateful, on the inside. He keeps it locked up though, and hidden. I don't think he realizes that it's human to hate, that it's normal not to be perfect, and that it's ok to say what he really thinks. Even if it's not nice and sugar-coated to the point where its cavity-inducing."

"_...When I picture my heart, I see snow. Snow, ice, and a huge gray area... The ice surrounds it in a nearly impenetrable fortress. It's gray... The only thing that stands out from the gray is the red. In splatters and puddles, scattered throughout. Deep, crimson, blood red..."_

Kanda sighed and shook his head, willing Allen's description of his own heart of out his head. He didn't want to think about it, because he could now perfectly picture that frozen gray landscape, though he got the feeling there was much more red there than before. He didn't want to think of who contributed to it, and how he had too.

"...That's not right though... If someone were to think that way for too long... He'll lose himself... Someone needs to let him know it's ok then...right?"

Kanda sat down beside his brother, nodding. He was slightly envious of the way Satoru could say things like that so openly. Words like those gave people responsibilities that they might not want, people just didn't do that here, they didn't tamper with others' scars, left by painful pasts that everyone was trying to forget, that no one ever would.

"Yeah...Someone's gotta. Now's not the time though, so get to sleepin' already, you move around too much while your trying to fall asleep." Kanda said the last part jokingly, gently pushing Satoru's head into the pillow. It wasn't good to go to sleep with such thoughts, it would be better if they left such things for the day ahead, when they could actually do something about it.

000

Going to sleep without those thoughts in his head seemed impossible for him. Kanda sat up slowly, grumbling under his breath. Satoru slept like a rock, he could probably blow up his own room, or-even worse, bring Lavi in and the kid still wouldn't wake up. He ran a hand through his hair; Those were such troublesome thoughts. It wasn't like he could just go to Allen's room and tell him "its ok to be human." Even if he could bring himself to say something like that (and dammit, one day he would be able to), visiting hours were over and he was sure he wouldn't be able to get into the hospital ward.

_Well... they don't really have many guards there or anything...the door's just locked...and actually... I'm not really sure they do even that..._

Kanda realized where his train of thought was going, and tried to beat it out of his head. It was ridiculous! That was something Lavi would do, not him!

_Actually it wouldn't be the first time I snuck into his room though this isn't really his room and my intent is much different..._

Once again, he had to beat the idea back. He wasn't going to sneak into the hospital ward! Anything he had to say could wait until tomorrow, it wasn't like Allen was going to jump out a window or anything.

_but he was suicidal..._

But he was better now! Kanda didn't have to worry about Allen doing anything so stupid, did he? He was just being an idiot and rushing into things unnecessarily.

Kanda stopped thinking when he realized he was outside of his room.

_Well, it looks like I don't have a choice in the matter, strange as that is. _

Kanda huffed a little at the fact that his body had moved without his say-so. With the way people seem to be thinking he was getting "soft" and acting all uppity with him just because Satoru was around was annoying enough, he didn't need his own body disregarding him too and doing what it pleased!

_Fine feet, do your work, since you won't listen to me!_

Kanda just didn't want to admit that he really did want to see Allen.

**Kanda's such a strange one, talking to his feet in his head... oh well, he's being a good boy by going to talk to Allen so he gets a cookie. **


	65. Ryuusei

**Sorry...Saya's world is spinning at the moment...she's so sorry for her horrible updating...it should get better after finals... 'cause then after that it's like the beginning of the school year all over again, things are always so laid back in the first few weeks... sorry... Saya feels very pathetic.**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

65. Ryuusei

Allen was still wide awake, he found it very difficult to sleep at night. This hospital room was pretty plain, all the medical equipment was lined up close to his bed, but other than those and his bed, there wasn't much else in there, just a few chairs. The room was pretty big too, Allen wondered why he'd need so much space when, until recently, he couldn't even get out of bed. Now though, he'd healed to the point where he could walk around on crutches, if he wanted to. The stitches of his deepest wounds had been taken out just earlier that day, and all his other injuries were gone, save for any scars they may have left behind.

He was doing better, and he really wanted to get up and move about, but everyone was very adamant about him resting and taking it easy until he was completely healed. He was starting to think it was ridiculous, it wasn't like he'd never broken a bone before, he was perfectly capable of functioning properly, even on crutches. He felt really useless just sitting around like this, and though he knew that in his current state he really was as good as useless, he couldn't say he liked having that fact slammed into his face like this.

But, at the same time he didn't want to just sit around and stare at the walls, it was too reminiscent of _that_ room, and he didn't need any reminders, the image of those white, red-splattered walls would be forever burnt into his memory. He slowly got up, and brought his feet over the edge of the mattress. His one leg was broken, but the other turned out to just be severely sprained. That same leg had also had a few bones out of place, but that had been easily corrected. He took his crutches from where they were leaning against his bedside table.

He didn't want to just sit around in bed, but he really couldn't leave the room. He often chose to look out the window instead. The window in his hospital room was huge, it stretched almost all the way across the wall. In his mind, it was the only thing that really made this room any different from the last one he'd been in. He'd grown to like looking out at the night sky, because he knew it was the same sky that the entire world saw, so in a sense, by looking at it, he could see the world. The sky had no boundaries and it took his away. It had been the first thing he'd really seen after leaving that god-forsaken room, the night sky would always be precious to him now, even if he was seeing it from a different spot.

He knelt on the window sill as soon as he got there, his hands going to the glass, a little fog appearing around his fingers and palms. He almost felt a little childish, looking out on the night sky as though he'd never seen anything like it. He liked feeling like a little kid, he'd hardly had the chance to when he actually was one. He had a right to act this way, even if he was a decade late.

000

Kanda was amazed (and slightly worried) by just how easy it was to slip into the hospital ward. There had been a few security personnel wandering around, and a nurse at the front desk, but that wasn't too hard to get by, not for Kanda anyway. Now he stood in front of Allen's door, the only real barrier in his way. If it was locked he wouldn't be able to go in, because if he broke it down, he'd cause a ruckus and probably startle Allen. If he'd known how to pick locks, he would've broken in silently, but he couldn't so that was out. He decided to stop thinking over stupid things and actually try the handle.

It opened without a making a sound, and Kanda wondered what was wrong with this hospital if he could get into a patient's room so easily (not that he was complaining). Maybe they just figured that no one in a supposedly God-fearing religious order would bother breaking into a patient's room? He took a silent step into the room, closing the door quietly behind him. His eyes went to Allen's bed first, he'd expected Allen to be asleep. When Allen wasn't there, he began to worry. Of course, it didn't help that when he looked around he saw Allen at the window, especially since all of a half hour before he'd had to tell himself that Allen _wouldn't_ do something stupid like jump out a window.

Illogical panic rose up in him, and before he could really think his actions through, he was crossing the room in quick strides.

"Allen you idiot what are you doing?!" He shouted as he hooked his arms under Allen's and pulled the unsuspecting boy as far away from the window as he could. Allen was too surprised to do anything but blink and allow himself to be dragged back. Kanda finally stopped moving backward when his legs hit the bed and he fell back onto it. Kanda was too busy not thinking to bother thinking about the fact that he'd just dragged Allen into his lap.

"What the heck did you think you were doing?"

Allen gave Kanda a strange look, what was Kanda so worked up about? What was he thinking Allen was going to do? He was acting so strangely, it was like he was mad at Allen for looking out the window.

"I was looking out the window..."

Kanda took a moment to let this information sink in, and then slapped his hand over his face. Well, didn't he feel like an idiot? He'd told himself a million times that Allen was better and he didn't have to worry about him doing such things, but when it came down to it, even the smallest thing could make him doubt that completely! He wondered what that said about his faith in Allen.

As Kanda wallowed in his embarrassment, Allen slowly turned red on his lap. Kanda's right arm, which was still around Allen, had gone from being hooked under his arm to winding loosely around his waist. Why was Kanda here? Why had he snuck into the hospital, into his room? Why had he burst in and dragged Allen to bed? He wasn't mentally prepared for any of this! Allen's mind was practically begging to be taken back into the fog already, he was afraid and didn't want to feel a thing.

"Um... what are you doing...here?" Kanda stopped beating the mental crap out of himself, and thought about the question; Why had he come here again, anyway? Oh, right, he'd been talking to Satoru, and ended up with a bunch of thoughts that had kept him up.

Kanda recognized the tone of voice Allen used, it was the same one he used to use, before, when he'd been repeating his mistakes over and over again in order to understand them. It was only then that he realized that he was holding Allen on his lap. He immediately picked Allen up and took him off his lap, before scrambling to the seat closest to the bed with as much dignity as he could muster.

"Uh...Kanda?"

Allen was more than a little confused, but then Kanda was behaving strangely so it wasn't his fault. He didn't want to feel confusion either, and his mind was slowly being enveloped by the fog again. And when his mind left, his body did what it thought it was supposed to. Allen leaned forward, one of his hands resting on Kanda's knees as he invaded the older boy's personal space, which Kanda immediately decided he didn't want Allen doing.

"Why did you come here?" Kanda could see Allen's mind slipping from his body, it was like watching someone die. He'd seen that-_caused_ that- too many times and he refused to watch it happen again. He pushed Allen back onto the bed, but stayed in his seat.

"You idiot! I told you, didn't I? I know I was an idiot before, I know what I did was wrong! I don't intend to make that mistake again! I meant it when I said I was sorry!"

Kanda's near-shouting snapped Allen's mind and body back together. He was being a fool, wasn't he? He was just assuming that because Kanda was here when it was night that he was going to violate him again. He hadn't forgiven Kanda yet, and Kanda hadn't done anything that would earn his trust, but the least he could do was not jump to conclusions. Allen looked down, ashamed by the fact that for even a moment, he'd acted so sluttish. In the end, neither of them really trusted the other, did they? Kanda didn't trust Allen to preserve his own life and Allen just didn't trust Kanda period.

"Sorry... but...what _are_ you here for?"

Kanda looked to the side, scratching his cheek. He'd remembered why he'd come here, yes, but how does one go about explaining all of that?

Allen couldn't help but blink a few times, as the edges of his lips twitched up in amusement. Kanda looked...well he looked _awkward._ Allen had seen Kanda as many things, but never had he seen Kanda act so awkwardly... it was almost funny, in a cute way.

_Kanda? Cute? Maybe I'm still high on pain killers._

"Well... I noticed that you stopped acting after we left for lunch... everyone noticed it really. So you're finally going to stop faking, huh?"

Allen's amused expression became more apparent, he'd expected this conversation to pop up eventually, he just hadn't thought it'd come in the middle of the night while he was trying to stargaze.

"Yeah, I'm just too tired to bother with it anymore. Besides, when I think about it, that fake, perfect me was created by everyone _but_ me. If I had acted on my hate, or any emotion really, when I was with the Noah, I would've had to pay for it, someway. When I was with Cross it was the same. By the time I got here I was so used to suppressing my real emotions that it was no problem for me to create fake ones for other people, it was like I was just mirroring everyone else's reactions to things. But its so pointless to live that way, I feel like living now. What better revenge can I have against the Noah-against everyone? I've just ended up stronger, I'll prove I have."

Kanda didn't know if he was ok with the fact that Allen was being himself for the sake of revenge, but he figured that the end justifies the means, so it would hopefully work out.

"That's ...good... I just wanted to say that ... I'm glad you've decided to be yourself... and that if you... ever need help or anything... I'll be there if you need me... not that I can think of why you'd want my help but... if you do..."

Oh, this was rich. Kanda looked positively embarrassed, he was obviously very aware of how cheesy some of the things he was saying sounded. And he was fidgeting awkwardly, _Kanda Yuu_ was fidgeting. Allen was sure this was a first. Still, as interesting as this all was, Allen did his best to keep such thoughts out of his head. Kanda was being serious, and he was telling Allen that it was ok for him to change, that he'd help him change, if he wanted help.

Kanda was feeling quite stupid at the moment, could that message really not have waited until tomorrow? Well, it was too late to do anything about that. He was thinking it would be a good idea to leave soon, it was getting really late (it was late when he came here), and more than a bit uncomfortable for him.

"Did I hurt you?"

"Huh?" Allen tilted his head to the side, what was Kanda talking about now?

"When I dragged you from the window, did I hurt you?" It was a reasonable worry, after all he hadn't been very gentle and Allen had only just gotten his last stitches out earlier that day.

"Oh, I'm fine."

Kanda decided now would be as good a time as any to leave, and so stood up and prepared to set off for his own room. But just as he turned to leave, Allen's hand shot out and grabbed his sleeve. It was an unconscious action, Allen hadn't meant to do it at all, which meant it was his turn to be awkward and think up a reason for holding Kanda back.

Kanda looked back over his shoulder at Allen, the hair that was free from his low ponytail sliding over his shoulder. "What is it?"

"Well, you took me away from the window, and it's a chore to get back there myself. The least you could do is bring me back there and stay a while." Allen said, using the first excuse that came to mind. For the sake of acting slightly indignant, Allen huffed and turned his head to the side. Kanda raised an eyebrow to this, but nodded.

"All right then princess." He said quietly, with an almost laughing voice. Allen turned back to him and was prepared to snap at him about the princess comment, but his words died on his lips as Kanda slid one arm under his knees and his other went around his mid-back. He was going to carry him bridal style across the room! It was almost infuriating, it made him angry and embarrassed in a way that he hadn't been in quite some time. It was the kind of anger that he used to feel before all the drama started, an anger that even back then, only Kanda could inspire in him. Just one of his haughty smirks and Allen would feel angry because he was sure the older boy was looking down on him.

Allen scowled, though it was more of a pout, and looked away from Kanda. "Bastard..."

Kanda rolled his eyes at Allen's anger, just like he used to, before taking a few quick steps across the room and setting Allen down on the windowsill. He then took a seat on the opposite side of the window, after all Allen had said to stay a while. A few moments of silence passed between them. It wasn't a strained silence, but it wasn't a companionable silence either, it was just silence.

Allen stared determinedly out the window, that small part of him that pleaded with him to forgive the older man was attacking his mind yet again. It always started nagging him at the worst possible times, with Kanda here being so kind the chance of him actually giving into that small feeling grew, not by much, but it was something.

"I won't... make anything easy for you." Allen said quietly, breaking the silence. Kanda looked over at him, with only a small inkling as to what Allen was talking about. "No matter what... if you don't earn it I wont forgive you..." Allen went from staring out the window to staring at his knees, which he was hugging to his chest. He would _not_ give in, even if Kanda did act nicely, because Allen knew better than anyone that it was easy to say sweet things and act perfectly. He wouldn't fall for anything that could be an illusion.

"Of course. If I don't earn it, then it would be pointless for you to think you could." Allen made a little noise of acknowledgment in the back of his throat, before looking back out the window. Something he saw in the sky made his eyes widen. Suddenly he wasn't the unforgiving person he was just a second before, but instead the childish boy he'd been before Kanda had entered. Kanda gave him a strange look.

"Kanda, look! A falling star!" Allen turned on the windowsill, and put his face so close to the glass he could feel the coolness of it on the tip of his nose. Kanda was tempted to just stare at Allen, instead of looking at the star, he could hardly remember the last time he'd seem the boy look so innocent. Still, he knew Allen probably wouldn't appreciate being ogled, and so he focused his attention to the world beyond the window.

It really was beautiful, a small streak of white and fiery blue in the night sky. He remembered when he was a kid he'd always been told to make a wish if he ever saw one. Another look at Allen and he could tell that he was too wrapped up in just seeing one to remember to do that.

"Make a wish, Allen."

Allen nodded to show that he'd heard, and immediately went about deciding on the thing he wanted most. It would be no surprise if either of them ever found out, that their wishes had been the same.

_I wish to be forgiven..._

_I wish to forgive..._

**That ended on a somewhat fluffy moment... though the last two sentences kinda put a damper on the fluff. Still... Saya can picture that last scene so well... so cute... is it ok for Saya to think her own chapter is cute? Is that narcissistic? Ah geez...** **oh a separate note, Saya's legs hurt...damn you bad circulation! Oh and...Ryuusei means shooting star... Saya didn't feel like spoiling the end of the chapter with the title (not like half of you didn't know what that meant anyway) so she used the Japanese word for it...**

**Next up, the morning after! **


	66. Mistakes

**Weee...finally Saya gets to write this chapter! It's been in her mind since she wrote the last one.**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

66. Mistakes

Kanda and Allen were still on the windowsill. It had been God-knows how long since Kanda had tried to leave, and they hadn't done much more than sit in some strange, just barely comfortable silence. Occasionally one of them would break it, but for the most part they just stayed quiet. Kanda did his best not to look over to Allen, he didn't want to be caught staring and break that fragile comfortable feeling. However, it had been a while since either of them had said anything, and Kanda was starting to wonder if maybe Allen had fallen asleep.

Taking his eyes off the window, he looked over to Allen. His knees were drawn up to his chest, kept in place by his arms which hugged them to him loosely. His forehead was resting on his knees, so Kanda couldn't see his face, and his back rose and fell in a steady rhythm.

"Allen?" Kanda asked quietly, not wanting to wake the boy, but wanting to be sure that he was really asleep. Allen didn't move at all, so Kanda figured he'd finally fallen asleep and got up off the windowsill. He was a little stiff from sitting on the sill all curled up, but he figured it'd go away while he walked back to his room. Walking over to Allen's side, he put one hand under Allen's knees and the other on his mid-back, and carried Allen to his bed the same way he'd carried him to the window, except now instead of Allen trying to stay as far away from him as humanly possible while not falling out of his arms, he was leaning on Kanda's chest.

Kanda laid Allen down, and pulled the covers over the sleeping boy. He couldn't help but look at Allen a little longer than he had any right to. He was still beautiful in his sleep, his face was blank and calm. It wasn't a somber calm or a happy one, it was just calm. Without really meaning to, he lifted his hand, and ran his hand over the scarred flesh of Allen's left cheek. Allen didn't wake up, thankfully, and Kanda decided that he shouldn't stay here any longer. If the Head Nurse came in here by chance he'd be done for, that woman would kill him.

The moment he tried to take his hand away though, Allen's shot up and held it where it was on his cheek. For a moment Kanda was sure the kid was awake, but then Allen nuzzled his face into Kanda's hand, in a very cat-like manner. Kanda was surprised, to say the least. He couldn't stop the small smile that spread over his face. Allen was so innocent in his sleep, just like he always had been, it just proved that there was some unbreakable innocence in him, even if it was a small shard, like a diamond in a pile of coal, it didn't matter. It would seem that part of him wanted to forgive Kanda too, though when he thought about it, there had to be some part of Allen that was willing to, otherwise he wouldn't have this chance at all, and Allen had made it seem as though he actually had a chance.

Kanda sighed after a few minutes, he really had to get going, he felt like he was going to fall asleep on his feet. However, as soon as he tried to pull his hand away, he found out just how strong Allen's grip was. He remembered the last time this had happened, back in the God forsaken room that hadn't been so horrible at the time. Allen could've easily ripped through his uniform back then, and he was holding Kanda's hand with the same one he'd used last time. Allen's grip didn't feel all that strong when he wasn't trying to leave, but as soon as he tried to move away... He faintly wondered if he'd lose an arm by trying to pull his arm away.

Letting out a quiet "che", he pulled a chair close to the bed side.

"You wanna keep me here, fine. But just remember it was your fault when you flip out on me tomorrow morning..." Kanda muttered as he took a seat and rested his head on the bed. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep at Allen's bedside.

000

Satoru yawned as he felt himself entering consciousness. He sat up and stretched his arms over his head before finally opening his eyes.

"Good morning Nii–huh?"

He looked around the room quickly, there was no sign of Yuu anywhere. Because of nine years of waking up at the crack of dawn, Satoru always got up early. Usually when he woke up Kanda was still in the room, either getting ready for the day or just waking up himself. But he wasn't anywhere in the room, where oh where could his big brother be? He wasn't really sure why, but he was a little worried by this, he didn't like the idea of being alone for any length of time in the Black Order tower, it was a frightening building and try as he might he couldn't bring himself to forget that this castle was filled with people who were his natural enemies.

He hopped up, changed, and set out to search for Kanda. Not the smartest idea, considering how he barely knew his way around the Order. He'd been there for a little under a month now, yes, but he'd only ever gone to the dining hall, Komui's office, and the hospital. If he went around just once he'd be able to remember his way, but seeing as he had no idea where Kanda would be at this early hour, he was at a loss.

Satoru started by going to the places he knew. The hospital wasn't opened yet, so surely his brother wouldn't be _there_ of all places. The next closest place was Komui's office, so he'd check there first. One small trip later and Satoru was outside of Komui's office door. Satoru, being the polite child he generally was, knocked before entering. He'd been expecting a half-dead looking Komui to answer the door though, not an overly hyper Lavi, who's happy aura made him want to punch the older boy for being so damn energetic so early. Satoru's not a morning person.

"Oh, heya Sat-chan! Why are you here so early?"

"Not...Sat-chan..." Lavi gave the still-groggy boy his usual lop-sided grin before stepping aside so Satoru could enter the office. He stepped in to see Komui sleeping on his desk, drool running over the papers he was supposed to be signing. Lenalee was there too, tidying up the office so that it was fit to live in. Well, she tried anyway, but she'd only just gotten started and had only succeeded in making a path for people to walk in so that they didn't step on stray papers.

"Um...Good morning. Has anyone seen my brother around? I haven't been able to find him..."

"Aha, so Yuu-chan has gone missing, aye? Well, I'll just have to help you find him!" Lavi said, slinging an arm around Satoru's shoulders. The younger boy sighed, he'd long since gotten used to Lavi's touchy-feely behavior. Well, he wasn't freaking out every time the older boy hugged him at least. He decided that it was simply in Lavi's nature to be overly friendly and that he shouldn't be bothered by it because Lavi wasn't really doing anything wrong anyway.

"Yes, Nii-sama is missing. Would you mind helping me look for him?" Satoru asked, tilting his head and looking up at Lavi. His questioning glance was almost puppyish, his green eyes were hopeful and just the way he was blinking made him look cute. Lavi opened his mouth to say he would but nothing came out. Luckily, Lenalee came into the conversation before Lavi's unexplained silence could seem strange.

"Of course he'll help! The only reason he's here is because he's avoiding Bookman."

"Oh, I see. So he's bugging you then?" Lenalee nodded.

"He is a little in the way..." Lavi gapped in her direction, how rude! And he was just about to offer to help her too...(No he wasn't.)

"Well then, I'll take him off your hands for you, Lenalee-chan. Come, you stupid rabbit." Lavi fake sniffled as Satoru slipped out of his arm and pulled him out of the office by his scarf.

"Yuu-chan's a bad influence on you, now you're callin' me a stupid rabbit just like he does. Why am I a rabbit anyway?" Satoru just rolled his eyes at Lavi's childish complaining.

"So, where do you think Nii-sama would be so early?" Satoru asked, letting go of Lavi's scarf. Lavi thought the question over for a minute, tapping his chin with his index finger as he did so.

"Hm...well...he's probably training right now...because it'll be a little while until they serve breakfast." Lavi decided that made the most sense. Kanda didn't do much around headquarters and there wasn't much to do in the first place, so when he couldn't eat or visit Allen, he trained, because there wasn't much else for him to do.

"Ok then, lead the way to wherever he'd be training." Satoru said, immediately going from leading Lavi out of the office to being led by the older boy to the training grounds.

"We should still check the dining hall first though, it's on the way and there's a chance that he could be eating already, Jerry gets up to start meals pretty early on some days." Satoru nodded and the two of them made their way down to the dining hall. It took them a good ten minutes to get down there, and it was all for naught, as the large room was nearly empty with the exception of two or three finders who had returned earlier that morning, probably before sunrise.

"Well, he's not here Sat-chan, let's go to the next place." Satoru nodded and walked along beside Lavi. Every time he looked over to Satoru, the youngest Kanda was either looking forward or looking back at him, and neither of them seemed to question why they were looking at each other without proper reason to.

"Hey Sat-chan, your birthday is May tenth, right?" Lavi asked, Satoru nodded, wondering why Lavi would ask him such an irrelevant question.

"Yeah, why?"

"So it'll be your birthday in a few weeks then. Hehe, you'll get to experience a Black Order birthday party, oh joy." Satoru gave Lavi a curious look, one peppered with childish excitement. He'd never particularly cared for parties when his family was alive, because he just stuck to his brother's side then like he always did, it wasn't exactly fun to be surrounded by people who thought you were a bastard all day. At those manors he'd worked at, he'd helped cater for plenty of parties, and they were always extravagant. While he worked as a servant, the employees who worked with him would usually all hold a little celebration anytime someone's birthday came up. He remembered those little get-togethers fondly, everyone had been so kind to him back then, because he was so young and most of the maids were middle-aged mothering types. He wondered how the Black Order did things.

"Ya like parties Sat-chan?"

"Well...kinda, yeah... I'm a little curious about how things are done here." Lavi chuckled, Satoru had only said he "kinda" liked parties, but his ever-so expressive eyes told another story.

"They're great fun! There's not many presents, 'cause we're all kinda on the poor side, bein' clergy and all, but everyone gets together to celebrate and Jerry always makes your favorites in mass quantities!" Satoru was excited by the thought of something like that, it seemed so fun. He didn't want to let his excitement show though, so he looked to the floor, hoping his hair would hide most of his face as his hand moved to cover his smile. It was still obvious that he was happy, and that fact didn't escape the Bookman apprentice. He chuckled a little at the accidental cuteness of the boy.

"You're such a cute kid Sat-chan."

"I am not cute, a kid, or Sat-chan!"

000

When Satoru and Lavi finally reached the training grounds, there were only a few more people there than there had been at the dining hall. Lavi was speed-walking through, and Satoru did his best to keep up with the taller man, but because of this he had no time to look around and identify anyone.

"Lavi, shouldn't we slow down a bit?" He asked confusedly.

"Nope, 'cause he wouldn't train here. Come on, Yuu? Train with other people? He'd only do that if he had to." Satoru made a small sound of acknowledgment; It was true, the new Yuu was definitely too anti-social to train with other people around. Kanda had changed quite a bit since they were both kids, but they weren't horribly important changes. Sure, Yuu was much colder to other people than he ever was when they were with their family, but his need to keep people away was still rooted in his old shyness around strangers. That, and the fact that Kanda could no longer bring himself to trust normal humans without some proof that they weren't akuma.

Lavi brought him through the back door of the training area, which lead to a clearing, which eventually became a forest that was as old as the Black Order itself. Gnarled roots made up the uneven ground they walked on, which was shaded by the foliage that was growing on the ancient trees. Lavi started calling for Kanda, and Satoru quickly followed suit, though he was sure to hit Lavi every time he started calling for his brother like he was a dog. After searching for a long while, they decided that there was no way Kanda could be in the forest.

"Where else could he be? Do you think he went back to our room?" Satoru thought out loud.

"Hm... dunno, and the hospital doesn't open for another..." Lavi looked up at the sky and used the sun's position to determine the time. "Half hour or so, at least. He couldn't have been at the hospital all this time either, he left with us yesterday..." Lavi said, but eve nas he did, he found that the possibility was becoming more and more prominent in his mind. Maybe Kanda had been gone since before morning? Lavi didn't want to think that Kanda would sneak into Allen's room at night (or do any of the things that act implied), but it was the only explanation that came to his unexpectedly pessimistic mind. Kanda had destroyed more than Allen's trust in him with his mistakes, he'd damaged Lavi's trust in him as well.

That thought pissed Lavi off beyond belief, and it showed plainly on his face, as his visible eye narrowed and his lip curled into something akin to a snarl.

"Dammit Yuu... if you did anything I'll fucking maim you." He muttered darkly, completely forgetting that Satoru was around to hear him. The younger boy's eyes widened, he'd never seen Lavi get angry like this. Why was he so mad? What did he think Kanda had done?

"Um...Lavi are you ok?" Satoru asked Lavi, who was already too far in his own world of anger to listen. He ignored Satoru's question and began to storm out of the forest. Satoru, startled by Lavi's strange behavior, did his best to catch up to the quickly moving Lavi. Once he was caught up to Lavi, he caught the older man's sleeve and stopped him.

"What's wrong? You just got angry out of nowhere."

"It's nothing so just let me go."

"It is not nothing, what the hell are you so pissed about?" Satoru was worried about the red head's anger yes, but he was more concerned about the fact that it was aimed at his brother. He wanted to know what was going on.

"Just shut up and let me go, Yuu!" Satoru looked as though Lavi had just slapped him across the face, an expression which quickly turned into one of an anger that was all his own. Surprisingly enough, Satoru had found that he really hated being confused for his brother. He couldn't count how many times people had mistaken him for or compared him toYuu while he was here. Of course, the two had the same surname so technically he was also "Kanda", but everyone knew to call him Satoru, so they wouldn't confuse the two boys. He respected his brother, hell he practically idolized Kanda, but he was not his brother, he was a different person no matter how alike they looked or acted. He didn't want to live in his brother's shadow for as long as he was here, he wanted to be able to change that, he wanted things to be different than the way they were when they'd been younger, he wanted to be able to do things himself. It'd take a while to get to that point, but he'd do it.

Lavi noticed the abrupt change from concerned to angry and was snapped out of his own madness. He looked back at Satoru, who was glaring at the ground.

"I know that we look a lot alike, and I know that we act similar too but.. I am not Yuu!" Satoru glared up at Lavi with upset, hurt eyes that made Lavi want to flinch away. Satoru then dropped Lavi's sleeve, and took off, it was his turn to storm away. Lavi was surprised at first, he was pretty sure that was the first time in a month that he'd heard Satoru refer to Kanda as anything other than "Nii-sama" or "Yuu-nii".

He felt like an ass, it figured that Satoru would have a brother complex _and _an individuality complex to go with it. It wasn't fair of him to put those two together in his mind. Satoru and Yuu were two different people, they should be treated as such. He knew that even though the Kanda brothers were so alike on the outside, it didn't take much digging to see the many differences between them. Lavi slapped a hand over his face and groaned in annoyance at his own mistake, and ran after Satoru. He knew that Satoru would eventually show up at the hospital, so he headed there, and hoped that Allen wouldn't mind if they fought a little outside his door.

**-sigh- So Satoru loves his big brother, but doesn't like being mistaken for him. Lavi, being the idiot he is when mad, just had to go and push the big red button that set off the bomb no one knew about. Of course, that wasn't the first time someone had mistaken Satoru for Kanda (as stated a few paragraphs up), but he'd never gotten angry before, otherwise Lavi would've known better than to call him Yuu (even if it was an accident...) Naturally, there must be a reason why Lavi doing it pissed him off more... there will be more KanAre in the next chapter, worry not. Sorry to you readers who aren't big on LavixSatoru, even though they were fighting...**


	67. Acceptance

**Ah...finally back to the story she can actually write again with minimal effort... Saya should be studying for finals, or the test she has coming up...but she doesn't want to and this is a really good way to avoid it...**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

67. Acceptance

Satoru stormed through the halls of the tower, as he did people nearly flew toward the walls to clear his path. When he realized this, he tried to calm down, he wasn't his brother, he didn't take his frustration out on innocent bystanders by intimidating them. Yes, he was aware of Kanda's not-so-great relations with everyone in the tower, and Satoru was fine with that, if Yuu flippin' his lid got whatever he wanted done, then let him do that. Satoru, on the other hand, would focus his anger on the one who deserved it. But until he could do that, he needed to calm down.

When the anger that had heated his blood cooled, his mind became clearer, and something came to mind. Why had Lavi been so angry in the first place? If he hadn't gotten pissed, he probably wouldn't have made the mistake he did. So what had caused Lavi to slip up? Lavi had said something, and that's what had worried Satoru in the first place. It was about his brother.

"_Dammit Yuu... if you did anything I'll fucking maim you."_

What had Lavi meant by that? What would his brother do? Obviously, Lavi had been thinking that Kanda had gone to Allen's room, but why would Yuu be there before visiting hours? And what would he do that would upset Lavi so much? From the way Allen and Kanda acted whenever Kanda was in the hospital with them, Satoru figured that they didn't really have any particularly special relationship, it seemed like they were just comrades, and Kanda was just showing him concern because he was one of the few that his brother would never admit to liking even under gunpoint... That strange fact didn't make sense to Satoru either, but he figured it was no use trying to explain the way another person worked.

Still, his brother and Allen were just exorcists, right? Even if he had gone to the hospital early, what would he do?

_Stupid Lavi! He was getting angry over absolutely nothing and now he's pissed me off too!_

Satoru made it a conscious effort not to stomp up the last fight of stairs to the hospital. It was only a few minutes before visiting hours began, he knew that with such an inconsequential amount of time remaining the nurse would let him in. He walked through the lobby and passed the front desk as usual, giving a small smile and nod to the secretary who sat behind it. It would seem he had some admirers in the hospital, and Satoru felt pretty bad about that, for some reason or other. Maybe it was because he didn't particularly like any of them?

Satoru finally reached Allen's door, and knocked twice, as he usually did before entering. Allen didn't answer. That was a bit unusual, Allen was usually awake by the time Satoru came, and he really doubted that his being five minutes early had to do with it. Maybe Allen had stayed up late the night before? Maybe he hadn't gotten a good night's sleep, woke up, and then went to sleep again?

Satoru decided that if Allen was sleeping, he'd just sit around quietly and wait for Allen to wake up. Maybe that would scare Allen though? He got the feeling that Allen would be kinda jumpy when he first woke up. And while Allen seemed to be getting better, every once in a while he'd still flinch away from those who tried to touch him. Satoru decided that as long as he was far enough away from Allen when he woke up, that it should be all right. Slowly, he eased open the door, and at what he found he couldn't do much more than blink.

Until his face turned red. He felt like maybe he shouldn't be seeing this. It was nothing indecent, a less stunned person would call it cute, but it seemed like he'd intruded upon something personal that he wasn't supposed to know about. He'd found his brother, and he'd found that Allen was, indeed, still sleeping. Kanda's head was lying on the side of the bed, one arm underneath it like a pillow. His hair tie had loosened during the night and most of his hair was spread over his back, with about three inches at the end still in the tie. His other arm was stretched just as loosely over Allen's front, his hand was just a little above Allen's heart. Allen's innocence hand was curled around it, and his face was peaceful, the corners of his mouth curving into something that hinted at a smile.

"..Wha...What...?" Suddenly a hand was clasped over his mouth lightly, and he looked up to see Lavi staring over his head at Kanda and Allen with a stony face. He felt Satoru's head move against his chest and looked down, his expression immediately relaxing into a less serious one. He put a finger to his lips, signaling for Satoru to be quiet, and then dragged the kid out of the room backwards.

Satoru expected Lavi to let go once they were safely in the hall, after closing the door behind them. He didn't though, it seemed his mind was once again off in some far away place, it was as though he'd forgotten he was still holding Satoru against him, with his hand over the younger's mouth. Satoru pouted as much as he could, before opening his mouth and licking the palm of Lavi's hand; It tasted like ink. Lavi jumped at the strange feeling and let Satoru go. He wiped his hand on his pant leg hurriedly, with a slightly grossed out look on his face.

"What the heck was that!?" he asked incredulously.

"Just be glad I didn't bite you."

Lavi gave him a surprised look, before shaking his head. Then his eye took on that far away look again, his mind had slipped away from the situation and was pondering something completely different.

But of course it was. No matter how many times he told himself that he'd stay out of their way, Lavi couldn't quite kill those lingering emotions, those strong feelings that he wasn't supposed to have. He was happy that things seemed to be getting better for those two, but at the same time he just didn't want to give up on Allen, he had wanted the younger boy for himself. Still, he knew that was a dream he couldn't make a reality, and the fact that Allen had allowed Kanda to stay around him, even when he was asleep only served to push that fact into the forefront of his mind, so that he just couldn't ignore it.

"Lavi...you're zoning out again." Satoru stated, with an irritated look on his face, what was with Lavi today? He was really pissing Satoru off! Lavi shrugged, he looked a little dejected.

_I'm being ridiculous, there was no chance from the very beginning. Now because I jumped to conclusions I got Satoru mad at me and I feel like an idiot for thinking that about the guy who I'm always sayin' is my best friend. Get a grip Lavi!_

"Sorry Sat-chan, I guess I'm just feeling a little spacy today. Anyway, about what you saw in there..." Satoru's face went red again, as he remembered that he'd just been dragged away from a strange scene. The way Kanda and Allen had looked... they'd looked like... well, like a lot more than just comrades in arms, and Satoru wouldn't let his mind think anything more than that unless he was given irrefutable proof of it.

"... You've gotta stay quiet about those two, ok? I mean this is a religious order, even if most of us aren't what you'd call religious. I s'pose its just somethin' they chose for themselves so we can't get involved, alright?" Satoru blinked, what was Lavi talking about? So they were just...closer friends than he'd originally thought, that was fine, right? Lavi seemed to realize that Satoru was barring his mind from thinking anything he didn't want to. He sighed at Satoru's reluctance to accept facts.

"Satoru... I guess you wouldn't want to believe this because he's your brother and you're against that sort of thing but... those two are together. Well, they aren't really, but they might as well be. Things were headed in a good direction before but now, with all that's happened to Allen, it's going to take a lot longer for those two to become anything real or official... Don't know how they'd go about with any of that here though..."

Satoru wasn't sure what a proper reaction to that would be. He'd just told himself that he wouldn't believe it without proof, and Lavi wasn't exactly giving him anything concrete but he was making it obvious that this wasn't a new development... In the end, he just kept blinking away, eyes wide with confusion and reluctance.

"Hey... Is that going to be ok with you? Are you upset to find that they have that kind of relationship? Are you going to change your opinion of Allen and your brother, just because of whom they chose? Are you going to let that change your relationship with Yuu?" Satoru became even more confused by this question. Sure, he didn't want to believe it, but changing how he saw Allen and Yuu had never crossed his mind. He hadn't once thought that he would be angry or hateful toward them, or any differently around his brother at all.

A little indignant huff escaped him as he pouted at Lavi.

"Don't think so little of me! Yuu is still Yuu and Allen is still Allen! They're just... closer than I thought they were. It makes no difference to me if they happen to find happiness in each other."

Lavi raised an eyebrow, honestly, he'd been expecting Satoru to have a disapproving reaction toward his discovery. He'd seen this before, families would throw out sons whom they found shameful just because they happened to love another man. He'd seen people disowned by their family members and scorned by siblings who thought them dirty or vile. Maybe he really was thinking little of Satoru, to assume that he would just blindly hate Yuu and Allen because of their slowly progressing relationship.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Really, really?"

"Yes, really."

"Are you sure about that? 'Cause I remember joking around and sayin' I was with Yuu-chan when you first came here and you looked horrified."

"Well who in their right mind would give up their older brother to _you_?! And... I suppose I'll feel a little awkward about it at first but... I'll get over it. They don't know that I know, so I can just bring it up with them whenever I feel ready to. Besides, I have more of a problem with other men hitting on _me_, my brother on the other hand...well if he wants to be with Allen then he can do that. He's a big boy and all, fully capable of making his own decisions."

Lavi starred at Satoru a for a moment longer, before he started chuckling. Satoru's pout returned, and he was tempted to kick Lavi in the shin, just because he could.

"What's so funny?"

"Heheh, you sound more like Yuu-chan's dad than his brother!"

"Sh-Shut up!"

"Make me." Lavi stuck out his tongue for the sake of being immature. Satoru was not amused by his antics. He quickly grabbed Lavi's tongue and yanked on it, and Lavi practically fell forward in an attempt to keep the muscle in his mouth. Satoru gave a satisfied little huff at the pained face Lavi made. Lavi put a protective hand over his mouth and glared up at Satoru, as he let out a slur of curses in a language that Satoru somehow knew was German.

"Fuck Sat-chan what was that?"

"That was revenge for calling me Yuu earlier! You think I'd forget that so easily?"

"Well yeah actually. Is holding grudges a family trait?" Once again, Lavi's stupidity got him in trouble with Satoru. Satoru glared at Lavi, but did his best to restrain his anger, he could tell Lavi was just trying o provoke him now, why he didn't know. He refused to beat the shit out of Lavi the way Kanda would when angered, no matter how much better it would make him feel.

"Stop saying things like that!"

"Prove to me beyond a doubt that you're not really alike and I will." Lavi himself had no idea what he was getting at here, he'd been around Satoru and Kanda long enough to know that they really were different, Satoru didn't need to prove what had already been proven. Maybe it was just because he was still in a bad mood over finding Allen and Kanda as they were, and it was just convenient to project his anger on the first person who caused him physical discomfort.

"Fine then, I will!" Satoru scowled, before turning on his heal to enter the room he'd been dragged out of. Lavi's eyes widened in alarm and he grabbed Satoru's arm and pulled him back before he could reach the door.

"What now?" Satoru hissed out. Lavi gave him an exasperated look, he liked the happy Satoru much better than the angry one, and it was much easier to keep Satoru happy than it was to keep Kanda even close to pleasant. Just another difference between the two.

"Uh...it's gonna be awkward enough for those two when they wake up, being in there will only make it worse. If you really want to stick around, I suggest spying from behind the door, ya might catch somethin' interesting that way." Lavi said, a grin slowly forming on his lips at the idea of a spastic Allen freaking out on Yuu when he woke up.

"...Baka usagi."

"You say that, but I can already tell you're gonna do it."

"Shut up."

000

Allen felt that he was awake, but he didn't want to open his eyes just yet, he didn't want to greet the day just yet. He wanted to snuggled under the covers, put a pillow over his head to block out the light and noise, and get this strange weight off his chest, it was making it hard to breathe...

_Wait...what is that?_

His eyes flew open, and for a moment they burned, the morning sun was unusually strong. Pained tears formed at the side of his eyes, and he tried to lift his human hand to wipe them away but there was something holding his arm down... He looked to the side and nearly freaked, what was Kanda doing in his room when he woke up!?

_Just calm down, calm down... Just think back, the answer's gotta be there somewhere..._

Slowly, the events of the night before came to him. He'd been awake, by the window and Kanda had surprised him when he came in. He'd thought Allen was going to jump out the window and Allen had thought he was there to take him again. There was a flustered Kanda (Allen lingered on that memory a little loner than necessary, it _was_ funny.), and then they'd seen that falling star together. After that... there was some talking and it all went blank. He'd fallen asleep. With Kanda in his room. How had he managed that?

He sat up immediately, as he did so Kanda's hand fell off of his chest and into his lap; Well, he knew what the weight on his chest was now. The movement caused Kanda to slowly enter consciousness too, his hair moving over his back as he sat up. He rubbed the side of his head as he looked up at Allen.

"Wha-What are you still doing here you idiot?! If the head nurse sees you you'll be in trouble and I will be too! Why didn't you leave last night!?" Allen was just full of energy this morning, as he near-shouted and pointed an accusing finger at Kanda. Kanda just raised an eyebrow at him, his anti-morning-person self not feeling up to an argument.

"Che...It's your fault. You pulled that death-grip shit on me again. I would've lost an arm for sure if I had tried to escape you!"

_Well, I didn't really try all that hard but he doesn't need to know that._

Allen's eyes widened with embarrassment, what had he done..?

"I did...?"

"Yeah! Grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go! So don't go calling me an idiot!" Allen wasn't paying attention anymore, instead his face was turning brighter shades of red by the minute. He couldn't believe that he'd actually done that! He didn't think he'd do something like that, he didn't think he would cling to Kanda of all people when he was still recovering from the trauma cause by the Noahs.

"I-I'm...sorry Kanda..." Allen mumbled, looking down to the side, embarrassed with his behavior. Of course, he had no recollection of these events so he was just deciding to give Kanda the benefit of the doubt and believe him. Maybe he was being too lenient with the older man?

Allen's embarrassment made Kanda wish they could've avoided the topic all together, the atmosphere was getting awkward. He looked away from Allen, his pale cheeks gaining a barely-there tint of pink.

"It's ok... it wasn't so bad staying here...I guess..." There was another burning moment of uncomfortable silence, before a loud bang was heard and both of their eyes went to the door. Kanda winced as his head turned to face the intruder; sleeping like that had made his neck sore...

"As fun as it is to see you two being so awkward, I just can't take it any more." Lavi walked up to the bedside in a few quick strides, pulling up a chair as he did so. He turned it so that the seat was facing him, and sat on it backwards, loosely wrapping his arms around the back of the chair.

"So, dish us all the dirty details, why were you in here before visiting hours, Yuu-chan?" Lavi's tone was light, but only Kanda noticed that there was an accusation lying just below the surface. He wanted to tell Lavi that there was no need to be suspicious of him anymore, but he knew that he would not be able to erase anyone's distrust of him easily. Lavi was just as involved in this as he was, in a sense. He'd been warned not to do anything at the very beginning, but he had refused to listen to reason and had messed up big time anyway. It was difficult to face Lavi everyday knowing that he also distrusted him. Of course, there was another fact had never escaped his attention: Lavi still liked Allen, that feeling had never gone away. Lavi's jealousy was well hidden behind his usual smile and tone.

"We? Who else is there...?" Allen asked. He was more focused on what Lavi was actually saying, rather than his tones and underlying questions. Lavi nodded to his question.

"Come on in ya little punk! Sat-chan's got it out for me today!" Lavi said with an indignant huff. Color rose high in Allen's cheeks. Satoru hadn't just heard all of that, right? Oh, the poor kid!

Satoru walked into the room, clearly embarrassed by the way Lavi had called him in. Kanda wanted to smack his forehead, just how long had Satoru been there? Had he been eavesdropping with Lavi? Damn that red head...he was a bad influence on the impressionable youth!

"How did you get Satoru angry with you?" Allen looked to Satoru for an answer, 'cause God only knew what random story Lavi would make up.

"He's an insensitive ass who can't seem to remember people's identities." Satoru said angrily, kicking Lavi's chair for the sake of venting anger. Lavi pouted like he'd been done a great inductance.

"See? He's gonna bully me all day now until he cools down!"

"Well it's your fault now, isn't it? You must take responsibility for your mistakes."

"... You're gonna lecture me now Moyashi-chan? Way to add insult to injury..."

And so another day started at the Black Order's hospital.

**What a lame ending. Oh well...fun chapter... Saya wanted to get this one out on time, because lately she's been slowing down. She couldn't help it... she was drawn to the Hikaru no Go scans... she'd only read the English translations up until recently, but then she realized that she had no idea who half the characters were (which makes reading fanfics on the series difficult...) So she's been blazing through the scans :3. **


	68. Guilt

**Eh... Saya's at another low point for this story... not really sure why... She's just glad that this story is easy to get back on track... makes it a lot easier to write, even in the midst of impending doom (a.k.a. possible writer's block).**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

**68. Guilt **

Kanda wasn't sure why, but the real Allen seemed just a bit weaker than the false one that everyone was so used to. He couldn't really explain _how_ he was weaker, he just was. Maybe it was because this inner Allen was dependant on the walls Allen usually kept up, and now that he was forcing himself to leave them, his true weakness was showing? Then again, it only made sense that the real Allen would be weaker than the false one, that's why his mask was needed, because he felt weak without it.

Still, maybe in his own way, Allen really was getting stronger. He said he was going to be himself for the sake of revenge, but in the end, maybe he just needed the incentive to peal off his masks? After all, Allen kept his true self hidden because he didn't trust the world enough to show his vulnerable side, but if he was letting them see what he always hid, then revenge or not, he would need to trust the people of the Order. He was taking a chance, going out on a limb, hoping that his weak self wouldn't be taken advantage of and thrown away later. Kanda was glad that Allen was trying, and he really hoped that Allen could become a little stronger. Of course, he'd never say that to anyone but Allen, and even then he'd better be intoxicated or on his deathbed.

Maybe one day Allen would find the strength to forgive him; Kanda imagined that Allen would have to be a god to be able to do that though. It did take strength to forgive, though when it was put that way, it became blatantly obvious that Kanda was the weakest person he knew in that respect. He must've been, who else would desecrate the body and belittle the emotions of the person who chose to love him, all in the name of revenge? He had been such a fool, to think that his revenge was worth hurting Allen, who'd been hurt enough as it was and was willing to open up to him because he though Kanda wouldn't do the same. He'd let anger control him, rip open the other's old wounds, and allowed them to fester. In the end he'd just blindly clawed away at his own wounds and made them bleed too.

Even then, Kanda wasn't done wanting. He'd already wished for what he was sure was impossible, he didn't see the harm in fantasizing further. He wanted Allen to feel safe with him again, like he used to before Kanda had screwed them both over royally. He wanted Allen to feel safe being in the same room with him again, to see him sitting by him and know that he wouldn't do a thing without his permission ever again. He wanted to be able to touch him innocently without making the child jump, he wanted Allen to feel secure in his arms and know that never again would Kanda Yuu force himself on Allen.

Kanda wanted so many things that seemed so impossible to attain that it seemed ridiculous for him to hope at all. More than anything, Allen didn't deserve to have someone like him in love with him. Allen deserved someone who would give him the world and then some, he deserved to be pampered and sheltered and drown in all the worlds' affection. But the world didn't give people what they deserve, because it was Kanda, a man who could never show so that much emotion plainly, who loved Allen, and it was Allen who was being given to the world, so willing to die as a petty martyr for a petty Order that was run by petty people. If people got what they deserved then Allen would be safe and untouchable and Kanda would've died 9 years ago before he could make any of the mistakes he had.

000

Lavi furiously scribbled words across the page of that day's log. He wasn't even writing with his left hand and yet he found that he couldn't help but smudge the ink, making his own writing nearly illegible to even himself. He was alone, those times when he was alone were the only times he was allowed to show emotions, because if he was alone then not even Bookman could scold him for having emotions. Lavi was sure that behind closed doors, even Bookman must have feelings.

He couldn't help but burn in jealousy and anger. He was the one who had cared for Allen and he was the one who had let Allen know that clearly. When Kanda tore him down, Lavi lifted him up. He'd offered his shoulder to cry on and anything he could when he knew he shouldn't because he was risking his very identity as a Bookman. He was very much aware of the fact that even if Allen did choose him, it would all be for not because "Lavi" would cease to exist the moment he left the Black Order, and yet it still tortured him to know that he was the one Allen would not choose. He had tried to rid himself of these feelings, he'd tried to support his two friends in their endeavor to salvage their relationship so why, oh why did seeing Allen and Kanda together make him want to strangle Yuu and kidnap Allen?

He wasn't supposed to care, caring and being angry would make him do something stupid, he knew it would. What if he lashed out at Allen? What if all his frustration over this indirect, accidental rejection poured out and he just kissed Allen and begged him to just give up on Kanda and chose him instead? Or what if he did what that monster inside him with his eye color told him to do, and beat the shit out of Kanda for once, and yell "What makes you think you deserve Allen? What right do you have to be near him any longer?" Worse yet, what if he did both? He had just as little right as Kanda did to care for Allen, after all, would it not be hypocritical of him to ask Kanda such a question? And if he were to do anything to Allen he'd only scare the boy.

Maybe, in the end, all he could do was bury himself in the ways of the Bookman? Maybe that was all that was left for him, maybe it was all he'd ever had to begin with? If there was nothing left for him then why did angry tears still threaten to fall? He wasn't supposed to get angry, he wasn't supposed to bother with emotions, and being emotionless may well have been the only way for him to escape his pain. He never should've allowed the little white-haired boy with his hollow smile and hidden soul to worm his way into his mind and create for him a heart in which he could own completely. He was the most hopeless of cases and dammit he knew it too.

_Just get rid of these thoughts, concentrate on your work, your logs, the only thing you'll have left from this time once you leave!_

He wanted them to be as unbiased as possible, because then maybe the listless way he wrote them would not provoke old feelings to erupt within him every time he read them. Maybe then future bookmen who read what he wrote wouldn't feel the emotions that swirled about in his head unbidden by him. He looked down at his angry scrawls. If he didn't know what he'd written, he wouldn't be able to read it at all. He would have to rewrite this at a time when his hands wouldn't shake with suppressed anger and sadness.

000

Lenalee hadn't been there to see Allen and Kanda wake up that morning, but she had visited later that day. Allen had made good on his word to start being honest, she had noticed. He'd only told her that he planned to show his real self yesterday, but already it seemed like an eternity ago. Yesterday's easy-going, kind, calm Allen was so different from today's. Allen had been so dynamic all day, he'd gotten angry multiple times, even going as far as to snap at the Head Nurse for commenting on the way everyone conducted themselves in his room. He'd gotten downright depressing at another point in the day, when the subject of the Noahs accidently came to the surface. That depressing aura quickly turned into one of murderous rage that Lenalee was sure had scared Satoru a bit; Obviously, the real Allen didn't just forgive and forget.

But even though Allen went through plenty of negative emotions that day, she'd barely managed to hold onto her soul the rest of the day. Why? Because when he hadn't been angry or upset, Allen had been so radiantly _happy_. Before, she had thought she'd seen his real smile maybe once or twice, but that day had proved her completely, and absolutely wrong. His smile was blindingly bright and she was sure that it was the purest thing on the face of the planet. He must've borrowed it from a saint, if he was not one himself. He had this radiance about him when he was happy, she wished that she had seen this real Allen sooner, she wished that Allen had been strong enough to show them his true self sooner. Surely, the happiness he'd experience as his real self was something he would never want to give up.

Lenalee had been worried at first, when Allen had told her about his desire to be honest. He'd seemed a bit angry when he'd told her, as though his real motive wasn't to be honest, or to better his life or anything, but to do someone else harm. And maybe at times in the future, this new Allen would be a problem because he was even less predictable than before, and noticeably weaker emotionally, but for Allen, she couldn't help but believe this was the best possible thing he could do for himself.

Even though she thought this, Lenalee was still glad she had been disillusioned over a year before. She had liked him then yes, but only because he had seemed so perfect, and she'd always thought "you'll never find another man so perfect". Well, it had turned out she'd never found such a perfect man to begin with! Not only that, but if she had never asked him to truly open up to her, and if Lavi had not done the same, she may have never had the chance to see Allen shine so beautifully, even though he was still broken and stuck in a hospital. And if Allen had made this decision while she was so smitten, she doubted she'd be able to keep her hands off of him. She'd probably run away and drag him along with her the first chance she got. Lenalee knew that her old, jealous, infatuated self would've tried to keep the real Allen's light to herself, and by her hand it would've been extinguished. It was for this reason that she was glad to have fallen out of love with Allen Walker.

000

Satoru felt somehow left out. Everyone in the Tower was used to Allen's original personality, most of them had known him for a year at least and a few of them had even had the chance to fight beside him. Only three of them had known about his real self before now, and yet they were the three to have the strongest reactions to him showing it. He supposed that made sense, after all if Allen was so adamant about hiding, it must seem strange that he would just stop. Still, while Satoru was glad that Allen was doing something for his own benefit, some small part of himself that hated change was begging for Allen to at the very least turn this whole changing thing into a gradual process. He understood that things change, even when he's only just gotten used to them, but did they have to change so fast?

The new Allen made him feel like he was walking around shattered glass, one wrong step and he'd hurt himself and break Allen further. He seemed almost as fragile as he had been when they'd first met, he was all over the place and not quite sure what to do with himself now that he was out. Allen was even more impulsive than the stories about him made him seem, and at times he was downright frightening. Even so, When Allen had been happy... Well, then even a blind mad would be able to see why his brother cared about Allen. It was surprisingly easy to make this new Allen happy, he was worried that maybe the real Allen might be just one big ball of negative energy.

He had other concerns, though in the end they were all related to Allen in one way or another. He couldn't help but notice something the entire day, and it was starting to make him wonder. Why the hell did it seem like everyone who came in contact with Allen fell for him? Lenalee had "Crush-gone-best-friend" written all over her, Lavi had shown signs of jealousy over finding Kanda and Allen together that morning, and it would seem that Yuu was slowly turning into his _dog_; he was just waiting for the day when the white haired boy would command him to bark.

Lenalee seemed to be just fine now though, it was as though she'd taken to the role of the older, wise sister/gal pal and Satoru wasn't sure if he should laugh at the image of Allen and Lenalee talking and giggling like two gossiping girls or be worried that he'd even thought that up in the first place. And why on earth was he thinking of like and love as though they were diseases? He was almost 16, he'd stopped thinking girls were gross years ago.

Lavi, however, was not fine, not fine at all. He'd kept a calm face, did his little happy thing all day, but Satoru could see that anger was brewing deep below the surface, well hidden and shut away, only to be shown when he was alone and no one could see it. Satoru could see it though, and it was hard to ignore. After all, it was his brother and his relationship with Allen that had made him so angry and jealous, and he seemed to be the only one who could see that feeling. Maybe the other two were just playing dumb for Lavi's benefit? Maybe they hoped it would eventually die down, and things wouldn't have to get awkward. Then again, maybe they really were just that stupid?

Either way, if no one was willing to acknowledge Lavi's feelings, then he knew that they'd eventually boil over. Negative feelings like jealousy never completely go away, and in Lavi's case, having the very thing he's so angry over rubbed into his face every time he saw Allen and Kanda together would only serve to build his negative emotions up more. Even if Lavi was supposed to be a Bookman, Satoru still saw that there were many sincere emotions in the older man, that could not be ignored or left alone.

_Geez! Why am I the one who has to take care of the stupid rabbit? If he's so jealous he should just__** say**__ something!_

000

Allen was mentally forcing himself to keep his fingers away from his mouth. He was nervous and dying to gnaw away at his nails. Somehow, today he'd ended up alone with Kanda. Was this someone's idea of a joke? Ok, so he'd fallen asleep in the other's presence, and _maybe_ he may have sorta clung to Kanda all night the week before, that didn't mean he'd be comfortable this way when fully awake. At the same time though, Allen acknowledged the fact that Kanda was trying his hardest not to make the situation any more difficult to handle.

Kanda had contemplated not stopping by today, he knew his coming by would probably make Allen feel uncomfortable, but at the same time he felt that someone aught to come today, since he had known since that morning that there was a good chance Satoru and Lavi wouldn't be coming up today. Well, at least Satoru, anyway. He was almost surprised that Satoru, who had been coming to this room every day almost religiously, was actually the one to decide that he was going to do something different. He'd seemed so guilty too that morning, like he was sure he was hurting Allen greatly to leave for a day. Of course, the way Allen looked so nervous made him think that maybe Satoru was right to feel that way...

Allen wasn't exactly relaxed at the moment, but he still thought that for now, he shouldn't be too rude to Kanda, who was actually trying to do something nice for him. Still, he was curious as to where everyone was. It's not like he thought the world revolved around him or anything, but he'd gotten used to having those two around every day.

"Um... So... Where are Satoru and Lavi? Do you know?" Allen asked, as nonchalantly as he could. Kanda knew he would have to answer this question soon, and had been prepared for the heavy feeling he knew would come with it, unbidden by him.

"Satoru has been feeling restless lately. At first he thought he was just bored with staying in the same areas of the tower all day and not doing much physically, so he's been coming with me to train in the mornings. That wasn't helping though, so he asked if he thought it would be ok for him to leave the tower for the day. I told him that someone should go with him if he was leaving the tower and that he should ask Komui before trying to leave. I offered to take him into the city but he immediately said that he would take Lavi instead..." Kanda would kill Lavi if he found that the perverted rabbit brat had done anything to his dear brother.

Allen looked down guiltily, Satoru was probably feeling caged in, and it was all his fault. Surely, had he not been stuck in the hospital for so long, Satoru wouldn't feel obligated to visit him every day and he wouldn't feel so desperate to leave the tower. He must have been behaving quite selfishly, if Satoru had kept coming back to visit him even when he felt so restless.

Kanda saw how Allen's mood took a dive for the worst, and immediately tried to remedy the problem.

"It's not your fault, Moyashi. Even if you weren't in the hospital, he still would have been stuck in the castle. He was bound to get bored at some point or other, he just doesn't know how to deal with his boredom yet. Besides, he was making the same faces you are now when he asked me about leaving, and if you're both feeling guilty then that's going to make everyone feel guilty."

_It's going to make __**me**__ feel even more guilty and you two will probably drive me insane with all your guilt trips!_

Kanda was worrying about his own sanity, as well as everyone else's at this point in time. Unfortunately, knowing that Satoru felt guilty made Allen feel even _more_ guilty. Kanda was fully prepared to bash his head into a wall, as he saw Allen's head lower sadly. A change of subject was desperately needed.

"Do you...think that maybe...Satoru is mad at me over something...?" That was the first thing that came to mind, and Kanda knew that Allen, yes even the more selfish, inner Allen, would feel concerned if he thought something was wrong with his and Satoru's relationship, even if it was for no other reason than his care for Satoru that prompted his worry.

But he really was worried about that though, after all, Satoru had been peeping with Lavi (that damned bad influence of a rabbit) when Allen and he had woken up together the week before. Satoru had made it pretty clear that he didn't exactly approve of such relationships between males, and Lavi had undoubtably told him all about them. Things had seemed normal at first, but it was just a little too conveniently timed that Satoru would start feeling restless now. Maybe he just wanted to get away from him? Or maybe he was angry over something else entirely. Somehow, the possibility that Satoru might not be upset with him at all never even crossed his mind.

"Hm..." Allen tapped his chin with his finger, deep in thought. And then, he laughed. He caught himself before he got out of hand, but he'd still done it. Kanda wanted to be indignant, because he was sincerely worried over this, but he really had no right to get angry with Allen.

"What?"

"Well... Maybe... and I know this sounds crazy... Satoru just wanted to spend the day with Lavi? I mean, the way you said it, it seemed to me like he'd set it up so that he could have an excuse to leave the tower...with Lavi."

Kanda's mind didn't function that way. It simply refused to compute that data. Why would Satoru, his little brother, who had been suspicious of Lavi since the day they'd met, want to go anywhere with...with _Lavi_!?

"...Don't joke like that..."

"I'm not joking though..." Actually, Allen was only half-joking.

"I...I WILL NEVER GIVE MY LITTLE BROTHER TO THAT SORRY EXCUSE FOR A RABBIT!"

Allen couldn't hold it in anymore and cracked up.

**Actually, no, this is not where the LavixSatoru begins...not really anyway. Allen and Kanda have just let their imaginations run wild. Well, Allen has anyway. What have the two been doing in town all this time? We shall see!**

**And sorry for the Oh my Kira late update but... well Saya's weekend was booked and it took longer than expected to write this chapter... Oh well, it's back to uploading a chapter of everything a week, just like she did back when she started writing on quizilla almost a year ago...boy does time fly...**


	69. Satoru's Day Out

**Saya is so sorry for the wait TT.TT Finally, 'tis the chapter that many have waited for. It seems that because Allen and Kanda aren't going drama crazy anymore (is that a relationship Saya sees in the not-so-horribly-distant future?), a lot of readers have turned their attention to LavixSatoru. Saya's very glad that you guys like Sat-chan, because she just loves him so much :3.**

**Saya has stolen the DGM charas, but she's not gettin' anything but reviews for it (for which Saya is thankful!)**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

69. Satoru's Day Out

Satoru shifted on his feet outside of Komui's door. His brother had said it would be fine for him to leave the tower as long as he got Komui's permission, but what if Komui wouldn't give him clearance to leave? Why _would_ Komui give him clearance to leave anyway? He was still completely aware of the fact that he was a Noah, that fact had never once slipped his mind. It was always at the forefront, he couldn't just forget it, push it down, and pretend the problem didn't exist. If it were anything, anything else, he would've been able to, but this one thing was impossible to put behind him. Being a Noah wasn't a choice, it was a physical part of him that he was still learning how to control completely. Being in a building that was inhabited with people who were against his very existence, and surrounding himself with the only people in the world that could actually cause him harm made it a real chore to try and over-look his condition.

It was that innocence! Anytime he was near anyone's innocence his Noah side told him to break it! The Noah in him wanted to destroy all the innocence in the tower more than anything, it _needed_ to destroy it all. _Break it, or it will break you. Kill them, or they will kill you._ Over and over again in his mind! He needed to get away from it, he needed to so badly he could hardly stand it! That voice, that malicious voice that was his own and yet wasn't! He needed to get away from it, if only for a while. He didn't care what he had to do to get permission to get out of the tower, he'd do it. He didn't care if he had to bring an entire squad of Order personnel with him, he'd do it as long as he could get away from all of that innocence. Even just one exorcist with him would be fine, because it was a lot easier to deal with than being in the same building as all the exorcists, and all the innocence Hevlaska held. Satoru hadn't had the pleasure of meeting Hevlaska, but he'd heard of the innocence's guardian.

He sure as hell wouldn't be saying any of _that_ to the Supervisor though. He'd probably be put in some sort of confinement if he ever said that his Noah side was begging him to kill every exorcist in the building and destroy all the innocence. It was only natural for him to want to do that, the innocence was his natural enemy, but to the Order-to his own human side- it would seem like the deranged wish of a murderer. Quite frankly, he was starting to think that the Order was truly stupid for letting the likes of him stay in the tower. He hadn't really thought that way until his Noah side started to get more and more active. However, now that he realized a part of him possessed such vicious intentions, he couldn't help but think they were all pathetically stupid for allowing him to stay here, and roam around and stay with exorcists all day. Very stupid indeed.

"Um... Good morning Satoru. Is there... something you need from ge-ge?" Lenalee's voice came from behind him, startling the boy from his thoughts. He jumped a little, his shoulders hunching up as though he'd just been yelled at unexpectedly. He turned to see Lenalee giving him a curious look, and Lavi just staring at him, his visible eyebrow raised, an amused half-grin that was really more of a smirk decorating his lips. Well that was convenient, he'd told Yuu that he would bring Lavi with him anyway. Why go with Lavi, rather than take Kanda's offer to go with him? Simply because his brother was apparently in a slowly-budding relationship with Allen. If Allen made his nii-sama happy, then he'd give them all the alone time they needed to get closer.

Sadly, Satoru never did pick up on the fact that Allen was uncomfortable being alone with Kanda...

"I...I was actually gonna ask Komui if I could... leave Headquarters for a while... just for today." Satoru looked down while saying this, toeing the ground with his left foot, his hands wringing the front hem of his shirt. It was easily one of the cutest things either Lenalee or Lavi had ever seen Satoru do; Lenalee had to stop herself from squealing or awing. These occasional displays of embarrassment and uncertainty were another difference between the two brothers, Lavi noted. Kanda would never do anything so adorable, intentionally or not, and he would never show his uncertainty so openly. Satoru was easier to read than a large-print ABC's book at the moment, it was obvious that he was worried that he wouldn't be able to get permission to leave.

"Well, you won't be able to ask if you just stand out here! So let's go in and wake my brother up, shall we?" Lenalee suggested, smiling happily as she steered the younger boy into the room. Lavi followed, plopping down on the sofa as soon as he reached it. Komui was, as predicted, slumped over his desk, though wether he was half-dead or half-asleep no one could really tell. Lenalee walked over and jostled his shoulder a bit.

"Komui ge-ge... wake up... I've got coffee..." There was no response. Satoru had heard many stories about how impossible it was to wake the Supervisor, but it seemed this was the first time he'd really get to see someone try. He had expected Komui to at least wake up for Lenalee though. Looks like he was wrong.

Lenalee's face reddened a bit, because she knew what she had to do but she really didn't want to, and was already feeling the embarrassment it would cause her.

"Komui ge-ge... I want you to meet my fiancè." Komui was standing at the ready with his power drill from hell before Lenalee finished her last word. The first person he saw was Lavi, who was sitting directly in front of him, not the greatest seating choice.

"_**YOU**_. What have you done to my sweet and innocent Lenalee?" His voice was low and dripping with enough murderous intent to make even the devil himself hide under his security blanket.

"Ah? OH GEEZ KOMUI DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME! I DIDN'T DO A THING I SWEAR!" Lavi backed up against the backrest of the couch, trying to keep a safe distance away from Komui's evil weapon. Komui stopped his menacing and came to his senses when Lavi backed up so far that he fell over the back of the couch.

Pushing his glasses up his nose, Komui became somewhat serious. Well, serious enough to have a conversation with without wanting to smack him.

"Well, ahem, to what might I owe the pleasure of your visit, Sat-chan? You usually go straight to the hospital in the mornings, yes?" Komui asked. He'd picked up the habit of calling him "Sat-chan" from Lavi, and Satoru really wanted to yell and tell Komui not to call him that, but somehow he managed to control himself. It was a lot easier to deal with Komui, somehow, even though his infuriating attitude seemed almost identical to Lavi's at times.

"Usually, yes. Lately though I've been training with my brother in the mornings but... But I'm starting to get really bored and restless with the tower. I know it's a lot to ask, but could I please be allowed to go out today?" Satoru asked, his eyes never leaving the floor. The more he thought about this, the more reasons he thought of for Komui to say no. Maybe he was being foolish to think that he would be allowed out?

Komui's expression showed that he was deep in thought. He wasn't really sure it was all right for him to authorize Satoru's leaving. He knew how his superiors, who looked at everything from a place so high they could never be hurt, saw this situation. To them, having Satoru in headquarters was the same as having a Noah as a prisoner. They thought it was bad enough that Satoru was allowed to roam the halls of the Order as he pleased, he'd already been told that he was being too lenient. His superiors, whom he was sure were all idiots, wanted to repeat their same mistakes over and over again, they would never learn. They wanted Komui to lock Satoru up and get as much information out of him as he possibly could.

Komui would never allow another person to be restrained again without reason though, not after what he'd seen when he finally found Lenalee. She was the most broken thing on the face of the planet, because she wasn't allowed freedom and she wasn't allowed friends. It had nearly killed him to see her like that, and he would not ever put another pair of siblings in that situation. Besides, Komui thought that the best thing they could do was keep Satoru happy. At the moment he was more than willing to cooperate with anything Komui might ask of him, and he trusted the Order that his brother was a part of. However, if he were to get angry, he might accidently release his Noah side. Komui figured that everyone would be as satisfied as they could be in this situation, as long as Satoru was happy.

Still, he couldn't help but wonder if maybe he would be over-stepping his bounds a bit by saying yes. It was such a simple thing but it could lead to all sorts of trouble.

"I'll stay with someone the entire time, I promise. Send anyone you want with me to keep me in check, just please let me out!" Komui was quickly becoming more and more sympathetic. He knew better than anyone how horrible it was to be kept in this Godforsaken tower, and while a smaller, more childish part of his mind wanted to make everyone stay in and suffer with him, the big brother part of him that needed to care for all younger siblings and make them happy was quickly kicking that part of him to death.

"Who would go with you then?" Komui decided that if Satoru could find someone who would go with him, he would allow Satoru to leave.

"Ah, come on Komui! Ya don't even need to ask that! Who wouldn't wanna go out with this cute kid?"

"Lavi's going with me."

"Yeah I am-huh? Wait, I am?" Lavi asked, pointing to himself. Last he'd checked, Satoru was still pissed at him. Maybe getting out of the tower was all part of Satoru's plan to kill him?

"Yes, it was decided beforehand."

"Well, if that's the case then how could I refuse?" Bookman had promised him a day of misery for having slacked off the day before and well...he could use an excuse to get out of that. Lavi didn't really think Satoru would do anything to him anyway. One thing he'd noticed was that Satoru rarely ever actually got physical. He always just yelled and stomped away. It was kinda cute, really.

"I'm sure it will be fine ge-ge, these two will look out for each other." Lenalee said, hoping that she could help a little by giving her opinion on the matter. Well, if even Lenalee thought they would be ok, then Komui saw no reason to say no.

"All right, but be back before dark. Don't goof off too much, do your best not to cause any trouble, and please be careful you two." Lenalee smiled at the easy triumph, and Satoru was positively glowing with delight.

"Thank you Komui! I promise we'll be good! Come on Lavi, I've got places to see and you've got work to avoid!" Satoru said happily, as he grabbed Lavi's scarf and started tugging the other toward the door. Lavi wondered when and why Satoru had gotten into the habit of dragging him around like that.

000

Thankfully, Satoru didn't drag Lavi all the way to town by his scarf. Lavi couldn't help but notice that Satoru looked happier than he had in weeks now that he was out. But then, maybe Satoru just wasn't happy around him? Sure, their first little fight had been about a week ago, and normally Satoru would have cooled down by now. However, Lavi had kept provoking the little complex-having teen, so Satoru had never really stopped being angry. Lavi couldn't help but wonder why he kept trying to annoy the poor kid, he was sure that as soon as Kanda caught onto what was going on (apparently, Satoru refused to tell his brother about his anger toward Lavi) he'd be a dead man.

Satoru wasn't thinking about what may or may not have been on his escort's mind at all though. After seeing the same stone walls of the tower for so long, he felt like everything was new to him. He'd never go so far as to miss the streets, but he had spent a little more than a year on them. Even if these weren't the same streets, even if it wasn't the same town, they were still familiar.

"Is there any place to eat around here? I kinda skipped breakfast." Satoru hadn't meant to skip a meal (especially not one cooked by Jerry. In all of his life, he had never tasted food quite as good), but when Kanda said that he just had to get permission from Komui to leave, he got so excited that he just went straight to Komui's office and bypassed the dining hall completely.

"Of course there are places to eat Sat-chan! Whatcha in the mood for?" Satoru took a minute to think. He usually had something sweet in the mornings. Well, he usually had something sweet for any meal that wasn't Udon. He and Yuu, who had never, ever liked sweets, used to joke that he had stolen his brother's taste in sweets and Yuu had stolen his height (even now, he was still so short...)

"Something sweet..." Satoru said, looking up and away from Lavi, as though he were ashamed to admit that he liked sweet things to anyone other than Jerry and Yuu. Lavi chuckled a bit, quickly stifling it with his hand.

"How cute, Sat-chan! I'm pretty sure that there's this really nice family café a few streets down that has a bunch of baked goods and sweets. Want to go there?"

"That...would be nice." Satoru wanted to run there, his stomach was begging for baked goods. He would've loved to drag Lavi there, but unfortunately, he wasn't the one who knew where it was, so he would just have to walk at the other boy's pace.

"Ya seem to be havin' a hard time with something lately Sat-chan. Everything ok with you?" Lavi asked randomly. Satoru gave him a questioning look, wondering why Lavi had bothered to ask that. Satoru didn't particularly feel like telling Lavi about the little voice in his head that told him to kill people, it sounded too much like a horror novel cliché. At the same time though, it would be nice to tell someone about it, and Lavi _was_ supposed to be neutral, so perhaps if he asked Lavi to keep his yap shut about it, Lavi would? Still, he didn't feel like talking about it on the street like this. the least he could do was stall until they reached the café.

"There's nothing that's really bugging me, why do you think that?" Satoru asked, as they rounded a corner. He could smell freshly baked goods, obviously the little shop was closer than Lavi had remembered.

"You were acting a bit desperate to get out of the tower earlier, and you've been a bit fidgety too lately. Gettin' restless over something?" Satoru momentarily cursed Lavi's way of getting straight to the point. Well, trying to stall was a pointless gesture.

"I suppose... but I'd really rather talk about it once we're inside." Lavi nodded, and steered Satoru into the little café when they came to it. The building was small, only two floors; Satoru assumed that the family who owned the shop lived upstairs. The shop seemed pretty small, it had warm beige walls, and maybe all of 12 tables. It seemed that most patrons bought whatever it was they wanted from the counter, and only a few actually stayed to eat their purchases. The café had a homey feel and was quite cozy. Satoru spared the room five seconds before his eyes went to the display of baked goods and sweets up front. From what he could see, everything was reasonably priced and delicious looking.

"Lavi I just realized something; How are we paying for this?" Seeing the prices, however low they were, reminded him that he had absolutely no money. So much for his morning cake...

"You do realize that I'm technically a clergy member, right? What money would I have? We'll just have the Order cover it like always!"

"...We're going to bill the Black Order for a couple of pastries?" Satoru couldn't help but wonder if this was really a normal thing. He also wondered if Jerry would feel insulted that he'd eaten sweets not made by him.

"Sure, why not?" Well, Lavi seemed to have no problem with it. The two went to the front counter, and Satoru chose the things he wanted. Lavi gave the woman at the counter a little slip telling her where to send the bill while Satoru found them a small table in the front corner.

"So, back to our earlier conversation," Lavi started, as he placed the last of Satoru's cakes on the table. "Why have ya been so restless?" Satoru shoved a large piece of cake in his mouth, if he talked about this while he was eating, not only would that be rude and more than a little disgusting, it would make his food taste bad too. He motioned for Lavi to wait until he was finished before he started asking questions. Lavi didn't mind in the least; After all, the longer Satoru took, the longer he would be away from work.

Satoru put his fork down when he was done with his second cake (they were small, but still filling). He decided that he'd save the extra two and give one to Allen when he got back, as an apology for being selfish and not visiting today.

"Lavi, if I ask you not to tell anyone, you wouldn't, right? You're supposed to be impartial, so if I asked you to... you'd just keep what I say to yourself, right?" Lavi raised an eyebrow, but nodded. He had a sneaking suspicion that this was about Satoru's Noah side, and he knew Bookman would kill him for passing up a chance at getting information on this. Besides, he was feeling somewhat concerned for the younger boy who had become his...friend? Fighting buddy? The person he liked to pick on the most?

"Well... you see... You know what I am and all and... its giving me problems. I keep hearing a voice, _its_ voice. My Noah side doesn't like being suppressed, and it doesn't like staying in the tower, where there are exorcists and innocence and a huge concentration of people that hate the Earl's side. I think its afraid of being around so much innocence, because innocence is the only thing that can defeat a Noah, and vice versa." Satoru took a deep breath before continuing, he really needed to get into the habit of breathing during explanations. "Honestly... that voice, and knowing that a part of me wants to harm everyone in the tower scares me. It's afraid of you and all the other exorcists, and I'm afraid of my Noah side because it wants to destroy everything."

Lavi blinked a few times, the only thing that came to mind to say was "that was a blunt way to put it." Satoru didn't beat around the bush much, and Lavi couldn't help but find it a bit interesting that he hardly hesitated to say something like that to him. If anyone else from the Order had heard him say that, it would've been grounds enough to lock Satoru up and keep him under constant observation. Only a few of the Order's personnel knew about what Satoru really was, and Lavi knew that on some level, they were all worried about the same thing. They all worried that Satoru would turn on them, or they feared that he might have infiltrated this place on the Earl's orders.

But if Satoru was afraid of it, that meant he didn't want to do anything bad to anyone in the Order, so he must be fighting it, right? Lavi would do as he said he would and not tell a soul, as long as Satoru kept fighting it. He reached over the small table and pat the top of Satoru's head, messing up the younger's bangs a bit. Satoru scowled at the patronizing act.

"I'm not a kid, Usagi, don't treat me like one."

"I can tell you're not, but its still fun to tease." Lavi pulled his hand away before Satoru could stab his arm with a fork. "I think it's admirable that you're fighting against your Noah side. Keep at it. You can always talk ta me about it if ya need to, 'kay?" Satoru scowled, clearly embarrassed at being offered help, and Lavi took that as an "ok".

000

"Ya know, you're a really cutie. Why don't ya ditch the square and hang out with us? We could show you a much better time." Satoru slapped a hand over his face when he heard someone who he did not know say that from behind him as he exited the shop. He could feel his face flaming and he was glad he could cover it with his hands. He hated when these things happened, they happened too often. He was convinced that if he could just get taller it wouldn't happen as much.

"Lavi... This guy's hitting on me...isn't he?" Lavi wanted to laugh so much, but for the sake of his companion's already bruised ego, he held himself in check.

"Yeah. There's three of 'im starin' at you, by the way."

"Please kindly inform them that I'm _male_." Some of Lavi's chuckles escaped his lips when he saw the faces of the lecherous men behind Satoru. One blushed out of embarrassment, another looked downright sick, and the third was a happy medium between the two.

"I think they know now."

**That ending... heheh... Well that was really pointless but it was in mind and needed to be done. Poor Sat-chan... Saya can't help but make fun of the Kanda brothers femi looks. **

**Sorry again for the long wait...Saya feels horrible about that... Saya must jump into the river... it's not frozen any more so she can do that now. Sorry to all of you who don't particularly care for LavixSatoru, because this chapter was pretty much nothing but Sat-chan and Lavi stuff.**


	70. Six Words

**Ah...Saya, once again, feels horrible for making you all wait... she's spent most of her vacation fulfilling porn requests...ehe...Saya's porn-writing skills have improved considerably. She might post some of it here if it suits her fancy...anyone up for some TxA/TxLxK?**

**Holy shit this is chapter 70 so Saya feels a new disclaimer is in order.**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

70. Six Words

It had been a long day of Satoru dragging Lavi around, and Lavi deciding repeatedly "what the heck? Lets make the kid happy!" Satoru could easily be described as puppyish and Lavi would've most definitely hugged him if he weren't afraid of the boy screaming bloody murder. Though, Satoru seemed to have lost that habit...Lavi wouldn't risk it. Besides, if Satoru didn't get him for it, Kanda sure as hell would...

The sun was sinking slowly in the sky, but even though the day was winding down, the duo still decided to take their time walking home. They had until dark, and neither one of them were looking forward to being back in the tower. Satoru walked just a bit ahead of Lavi, because while he was the one who wanted to go home the least, he was still feeling a bit hyper from happiness and was taking big, jaunty steps. Lavi walked a few paces behind him, occasionally smiling at how care-free Satoru could seem at times. In that respect, he was nothing like his brother, who was always on edge, even when surrounded by friends.

Satoru wondered when his next chance to go out would be. Maybe this could become a monthly thing for him? Or better yet, weekly? He knew that was wishful thinking, but then what was so bad about wishing?

"Hm... so we're back home already?" Lavi mused aloud as they came to the foot of the Order's cliff. "Wonder if Yuu-chan's with Allen?" Satoru raised an eyebrow; why should Lavi care if they were together or not?

"Would it matter if they were?" Satoru asked, suspicion lacing his voice. He'd noticed it as soon as it had emerged, Lavi's jealousy. He'd seen it clearly the say they'd walked in on Kanda and Allen sleeping together in the hospital. Lavi's expression had been stony, as he did his best to hide his jealousy and disappointment. He'd explained things in a calm and serious way that was out of character and a little unexpected.

Lavi looked up, scratching his cheek nervously. "Not at all! I hope they managed to stay together all day without killin' each other!" Satoru was not impressed by Lavi's bad lying. He was a little surprised that Lavi was so easy to read. After all, as a Bookman, wasn't "Lavi" nothing more than a living, breathing lie? Oh yes, despite how the Bookman clan liked to keep its secrets to itself, he knew quite a bit about it. Many of the past Noahs of knowledge had been involved with the Bookman clan in one way or other. Both sides had information that the other wanted, and both sides were so thirsty for information that they didn't care who they got it from, and were more than glad to share for the sake of getting more.

Then again, maybe it was only easy to tell he was lying because Satoru already knew he was?

"That's a lie Lavi, you've been jealous of them for a while, well, of my brother really. I'd bet that you've liked Allen since before I came to the Order. I don't particularly care, but aren't those kinds of feelings against the Bookman way?"

Lavi opened his mouth to ask why Satoru knew about that; After all "Only Booman can talk about Bookman" as his master often said. Not much about the Bookmen was common knowledge, and their lack of hearts was a secret that was kept especially quiet. It was much easier to get people to open up and give information when they think one is the perfect friend or lover, but if they knew the bookmen were faking...oh boy. He stopped himself from asking such a stupid question though. Satoru was practically the incarnation of knowledge, of course he knew about the Bookman clan. Lavi chose to instead hang his head, doing his best not to look as regretful as he felt about the matter.

"Yeah...guess that makes me a bit of a failure, huh?" Lavi asked rhetorically, sounding half-joking. Satoru scoffed.

"Not just a bit. You're a total failure as a Bookman. As a Bookman you shouldn't feel at all, but not only are you feeling, but you're feeling _love_! One of the-if not _the_ most- strongest human emotions! I'm surprised Bookman hasn't kicked you into a coma!"

Lavi had always complimented himself on his ability to take insults and keep his cool, but there was only so much he could take, especially when they were talking about something so important to him. He may have been a slacker and a failure, but being a Bookman was his one true identity, he wouldn't let Satoru mock him!

"Satoru I think that's-" Satoru cut him off before he could say anything, as though he knew exactly what Lavi intended to say.

"But that's ok, because I like this Lavi, who is a failure, and who feels things like compassion and love." Satoru looked over his shoulder at Lavi, giving him a small but sincere smile, and down went Lavi's anger. Lavi blinked, and wondered why he felt heat going to his face. Satoru was really something. He had a tongue that was as sharp as his brother's, that he combined with his natural intellect and instincts to mercilessly rip a person apart. But he also had the ability to soothe the wounds he inflicted, heal them and make it seem like there was never any problem in the first place with his sincerity and smiles, an ability that was very reminiscent of Allen. He was almost a perfect mix of the two.

Lavi made a touched, slightly goofy face. "Yo-you..."

"Are you calling me "Yuu" again!? Now you're really just trying to piss me off 'cause I'm sure as hell that my Nii-sama would never say he liked _you_!" Lavi gaped, before making an exasperated face.

"No stupid! I meant "You" as in yourself, not "Yuu" as in your brother! Geez, you really know how to ruin a mood!"

"Mood? What mood? You're saying weird things!"

"You mean you don't realize that you're sending out cuteness rays all over the place? You tryin' to tell me that's an unconscious thing?!"

"What kinda rays? Now you sound creepy! Do I have to douse you with cold water?"

"You stop acting all sugary sweet and I'll stop sayin' you are!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!" The two kids stuck their tongues out at each other, and both of them went into the tower in a huffy silence.

000

Allen thought they'd done pretty good for themselves, all things considered. They'd been pretty bad off at first, both tried hard to stave off the awkward feeling of being alone and aware of it. It made him feel little and immature to know that they were acting like grade school kids who were too shy to talk to each other. Though, in this case they weren't so much shy as they were guilty and just plain uncomfortable. Allen shifted uncomfortably on his bed, thinking that there had to be something to talk about that wasn't small talk, because they'd already said everything they possibly could about the weather, neither of them felt like complimenting each other, they both shared the same job, so it wasn't like he could ask Kanda how that was, and he saw Satoru on a daily basis and knew exactly what had happened to the rest of Kanda's family, so asking about how they were doing wouldn't be the smartest idea. Small talk was a very useless thing when you ran out of topics.

Allen wracked his brain and decided on the first thing that came to mind.

"You read a lot." He said. Though he'd originally meant to go on with that sentence, Kanda seemed so surprised that he'd actually said something after their long (and admittedly awkward) silence that he'd felt a bit afraid of continuing on.

"I-I mean...when you're here with everyone else, you often bring a book with you. You don't seem to get very far in any of them in one sitting, but then I guess having everyone around must be really distracting." Allen mentally patted himself on the back for getting a complete sentence out. Kanda looked away, as if embarrassed to have his reading abilities brought up. He wasn't all that great at it really, though he was perfectly literate, after years of Lavi helping him through things. He didn't exactly practice his reading skills though, he usually only bothered to do that when he had to. Besides, he didn't understand how any real meaning could be found in such an artless language as English. How could an entire language break down to only 26 letters? And why were all the letters so plain? Even when people tried to write them in calligraphy to make them more appealing, in his opinion, nothing could be more beautiful that the thousands of symbols that made up his language, running vertically down the page of a book or the ancient paper of a scroll.

"...Not really... It's just...odd, to be surrounded by people all day." He said, feeling a bit awkward for saying that.

"You don't have to come here every day...if it makes you feel so uncomfortable." Kanda's face took on a regretful quality, and Allen momentarily felt the urge to slap himself, of course Kanda would talk that the wrong way.

"I suppose it is troublesome for you to have someone like me hanging around here every day." Allen's head dropped into his palm, just as he'd expected, Kanda took it the wrong way. While he felt that Kanda deserved to feel guilty, Allen also knew that people weren't meant to feel that way forever. He felt that at this point, even if he did forgive Kanda, Kanda would not forgive himself, and then everything would be worthless. Not to say that Allen was feeling forgiving just yet, but he was sure the process would pick up speed if he was dealing with the normal Kanda. People needed to realize their mistakes, but they needed to forgive themselves too, eventually.

Allen did not like this Kanda, who was quiet and awkward and who would do whatever he said without fighting with him about it. What had happened to the strong-willed, intimidating, fiery person he had met the day he came to the Order? Where was the man that he'd been entranced by after only a few missions together? And where was the haughty person who would look down his nose at him and call him a bean sprout all the time over breakfast? He didn't like this pathetic excuse for a man, this sorry shadow of what was once Kanda Yuu. Kanda said he cared about him, right? So why couldn't he try and see things from his point of view?

Allen shook these thoughts off, bringing his mind back to the conversation at hand.

"Not at all, it's always nice to have a calm presence around when those two get crazy. Besides, Your three-man comedy act with Lavi and Satoru is entertaining!"

"Comedy act...?" Kanda raised an eyebrow to Allen's way for phrasing things, but otherwise said nothing. Allen decided to steer the conversation back to its original direction.

"So what book are you reading now?" The things Kanda read never had a cover, and there were rarely even titles printed on the hardbacks of them. If they were, then Kanda covered them himself.

"No-nothing...they're nothing..." Allen couldn't help but think that was a suspicious answer, especially since Kanda refused to look in his direction at all now.

"Oh my, what have you been reading if it's so shameful? I never would've taken you for a pervert..." Kanda may have done more than a few strange things to his body, but he considered that a different kind of perverseness. He hadn't thought that Kanda would be Cross' kind of perverted though. But books without covers or titles that he was afraid to tell anyone about..._suspicious._...

Kanda looked aghast at the implication.

"I-I'M NOT READING ANYTHING _ECCHI_!" Allen's look clearly asked for a translation.

"Perverted. I am not reading anything like whatever you're thinking, I'm sure." Kanda's face burned with indignity at the thought of being accused of reading erotica.

"Then what are you reading? If it's not something bad then you should have no problems telling me..." It was so much fun to make Kanda feel indignant, Allen was slowly working his way up to full-out pissing the other off like he used to. Kanda looked down, his face positively flaming with embarrassment and indignity. Even his ears were red, Allen was definitely keeping this image in his mental scrapbook.

"...a...lect...si...ries..." He said quietly, so quietly that Allen had missed almost everything he said.

"Um...full words please? A little volume might be nice too."

"I said... it was a collection of ...six word stories... There, ya happy?" Allen blinked a few times, he really hadn't expected that, though he wasn't quite sure what he was expecting.

"Six word...stories? Not poems or something else that would make more sense being only six words long...?" Allen asked, he couldn't help but wonder how anyone could fit a story into only six words. Maybe they were made of six really big words? Would that help at all though?

"No, they are six word stories. Apparently, Earnest Hemingway once wrote a story in six words, which inspired a publishing company to send out a challenge asking others to do that. They compiled all the responses they got and made a book out of them."

"Oh..." Allen was a bit interested in this, what kinds of stories could be told in only six words? "Do you have the book with you?" He wouldn't mind borrowing it, he hoped that maybe he would be able to read a few.

"Not right now, it's in my room. I only remember a few of them." Allen was a little disappointed that he couldn't read the book right away, but knowing Kanda remembered a few of them made him wonder what had hit him hard enough to stick with him.

"Would you mind saying the ones you remember?" Kanda shrugged, scratching his cheek, he supposed it would be a little embarrassing, but if it was just them, he supposed a private embarrassment wouldn't be too bad.

"I only remembered three. One was Hemingway's, just because it was the first one in the book. It was "For sale: Baby shoes, never worn." The meaning of the story hit Allen immediately, what a dark subject to write a story on, though Allen supposed that darker ones had been written.

"What were the other ones you remembered?" Allen wondered if everything Kanda had remembered was so dark, or if that really had only been remembered because it was the first one. Of course, if he had ever read it, he wouldn't have forgotten it easily either, he was sure that he wouldn't forget it for a long time, now that he'd heard it.

"Change takes time, but it's possible." Allen gave a small smile, he liked that one. He certainly hoped that change was possible, because everyone could use a bit of change. When things all stayed the same, nothing could improve. Of course, nothing could get worse, but was getting rid of that risk really worth getting rid of the chance to achieve a greater happiness? There were quite a few things he'd like to change himself at the moment.

"The third?"

"Time moves forward, so must I." Allen could do nothing but blink at that one, it sounded suspiciously like the story of his life. It sort of made Allen happy to know that he was finally _doing_ that. During the time he'd been held captive, he'd had so much time but nothing to do with it. He inevitably began to think about anything and everything that he'd done throughout his life. He'd come to realize that he'd never really lived by Mana's words, he had never really moved forward. While many people would say he accomplished something by running from the Earl, training with Cross, and eventually getting into the Order, he knew it was all meaningless because his heart was still trapped in the past. But he wasn't going to do that anymore. He wasn't going to fear the people around him, he was going to start really trusting people again. That decision, he thought, was his first real step forward.

"Hey, do you know who wrote that one, and why did you remember it?" Allen asked, curious to know who would write something like that. Kanda gave him a strange look.

"I just remembered the phrase, not the person who wrote it. And I don't know why it stuck with me, it just did."

"Oh, right, that makes sense..."

Kanda wasn't about to say it, but the reason why he'd remembered it was because it somehow reminded him of Allen.

Two knocks on the door indicated that the Head Nurse had come for Allen's daily check-up. Kanda got up to open the door for her, and quickly left when she told him to. Instead of going out into the waiting area though, he decided to make better use of his time. Allen had seemed pretty interested in that book, so he'd go get it from his room.

000

The Head Nurse had been making thoughtful little noises throughout his check-up, and he was starting to wonder just what it was she was contemplating. He was starting to feel uncomfortable with this, he always did, because it was somewhat embarrassing to just sit there as someone looked over all the areas of his body that had been wounded, even if that someone was a professional.

"Um... is something wrong...?" Allen asked, when he couldn't bare to hear another "hm" or "uh-huh..."

"Quite the contrary, Allen. Congratulations Allen, with the exception of your leg, you're fully healed. You will can stay in the hospital until the end of the week. I still want you to come back here at least twice a month though, so I can see how your leg is healing. Other than that, please refrain from exerting yourself or doing anything that might compound your injury. Your room was moved to the storage room next to the dining hall, correct? That makes things more convenient for you, since you won't have to walk a great deal to get your meals. I would suggest that you don't attempt to walk up or down stairs. If you feel up to it, you can walk around that level of the tower, but otherwise, please rest." Allen listened and nodded at what the intimidating nurse said, and wondered if this was really any better than being in the hospital.

"I can do all of that. Thank you for taking care of me while I was here, and putting up with the noise we all caused. I know that a lot of the times we exorcists take what you do for us for granted, I'm sorry for that." The Head Nurse just gaped a little, blinking at Allen's earnest thanks and apology. There was something so authentic about him as of late, she wondered what had happened to make his suddenly seem so much more real.

"...You're welcome Walker, now please rest."

000

Kanda came back into the room a few minutes after the nurse left, trying his best to act nonchalant as he handed Allen the book he'd been reading.

"...You seemed pretty interested in it, so I brought it up for you..." Allen looked to the book, then at Kanda, before taking it and smiling. Kanda was still getting used to just how bright Allen's smile could be, he sort of wanted to shield his eyes from it, like it was something he wasn't supposed to see.

"Thank you for bringing this. Though, weren't you reading it before? It didn't look like you'd finished it."

"I can read it anytime, it's from the Order's library."

"Then I can read it any time too, so you can finish it first." The bad tempered part of Kanda that still existed, bound deep in his mind so that it wouldn't show and scare Allen, was yelling at said white haired boy to just shut up and accept people's kindness. He hadn't yelled at Allen in a while though, and he didn't intend to anytime soon.

Suddenly Allen's face lit up, as though he'd just gotten a brilliant idea.

"Read it to me."

"What?!"

"Read it to me. You can start where you left off, that way you can still read it, I get to hear it, and we're both happy." While Kanda couldn't deny that Allen's plan made sense, he didn't understand why he had to be the one to do the reading.

"Why do I have to read it out loud?"

Allen put a hand over his mouth, as though he were feeling a little ill. His eyes lowered as he looked to the side demurely.

"The Head Nurse said not to strain myself at all. I've had to take so many pain killers for my legs and other wounds though. It's a real chore just to stay awake through the day, and keep my head from getting fuzzy. My eyesight gets blurry at times too, I wonder if I could even read this properly for myself..." Kanda knew what Allen was trying to do, but it still worked on him anyway. He took the book back from Allen and flipped open to the page he'd left off on, muttering all the while about white haired brats who liked to manipulate people.

**Notes: ****Six Word Memoirs**** is the book described in this story. It was actually written very recently, but Saya really liked the idea of a story in six words. She had this class assignment where we all had to write one six word story about ourselves, and Saya ended up writing twelve, which is were the second and third ones come from. For those of you who didn't catch on, Hemingway's six word story was about someone selling the baby shoes they'd bought for their child, which died upon birth. Saya remembered that story because to her it has a haunting quality...the fact that she'd just read chapter 23 of Bitter Virgin might have something to do with it too. **

**Sorry for always taking so long to update now... T-T**


	71. Date Talk

**Its been so long...Q-Q sorry...sorry... Saya can't say it enough but sorry...and this seems so filery too...**

**Only 30 chapters of disclaimers left to go...**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

71. Date Talk

"Gomen Nasai, Allen!" Satoru bowed his head and held out a little white box in front of him. Allen tilted his head to the side in confusion, his eyes moving between Satoru's lowered head and the box in front of his face. He had known a bit of Japanese at some point in his life, but he'd forgotten it all completely.

"Er...translation?" Allen asked, a hint of confusion in his voice. Kanda sighed and filled in the blanks for him.

"He's apologizing, of course. Looks like the box is for you, if you couldn't already tell by how he's holding it in front of your face," Kanda said, sounding a bit annoyed. He wasn't irritated by Allen's lack of comprehension, but by the way Lavi was looking at him with mild amusement.

"Oh. In that case, thank you Satoru, and I can't think of a reason why you would need to apologize, so please don't," Allen replied to Satoru, carefully taking the box given to him. Though a bit excited to see what was in it, he tried his best to open the box slowly. Inside was a delicious looking cake, with pretty white and blue frosting that smelt heavenly. His mouth was watering just looking at it.

"I felt really bad about going out today even though you can't even leave this room, and I know Nii-sama isn't exactly what you'd call talkative, so I was a bit worried about leaving you two to your own devices. When we went to get cake today, I decided to get you one too! The bakery made some of the best sweets I've ever tasted!" Satoru explained, more than happy to engage in a conversation about cakes and other sweets. Allen was too, and soon the talking and comparing all the confections they'd ever tried. Just hearing their conversation was giving Kanda cavities. Lavi and Kanda left the bedside and moved over to the window, while the two continued on.

"Well, I think we'd both agree that Jerry's dishes win out over everything in the world, he's really got no competition. There was this one little shop I went to once while traveling with my Master though, that came pretty close. My master was General Cross, by the way, before you let your mind wander too far in a bad direction," Allen said, clearing up any misunderstandings before they happened.

"Oh, really? Were the sweets there better than the cake from the café nearby?" Satoru asked, curious about the world's sweets.

"Well, the place was in South America. We got Mayan chocolate there, and it was wonderful! It was a different kind of confection though, you couldn't really categorize it or compare it with cake."

"Oh, I see. Well, while we're on the subject of chocolate, I have to say that there was this woman who worked in the kitchens of the mansion I worked in during my time in Holland. She made the best chocolate I've ever tasted, and maybe its just bias but I don't know if even Jerry could outdo her." Satoru's face took on an almost dreamy quality as he remembered the wonderful chocolate he used to indulge himself in fondly.

"I'd have to taste that to believe it. Though I kind of gave up chocolate a while ago..." Satoru gaped, wide-eyed, looking like Allen had just said he'd murdered the Pope.

"W-What!? People can do that? Surely you jest!" Satoru couldn't accept such a bizarre thing as truth.

"Well, I love chocolate, really. But there was this incident with Master Cross and liquor-filled chocolates. I avoid liquor like the plague, but I tend to shy away from chocolate now too..." Satoru's face turned into one of sympathy.

"Poor thing, having chocolate ruined for you..."

"Yeah...but, on a separate note, I have to ask...How was your little date with Lavi?" Allen asked, with a hint of good-natured teasing in his voice. Satoru pouted slightly.

"D-date?! It was not! And what's with that insinuating tone? It was a very peaceful day, by the way. Lavi just took me on a tour of the city, pretty much. There are a lot of sweets shops down there..." Allen chuckled a little at Satoru's last comment.

"You've got such a one-track mind..." Allen smiled, and shook his head a little. So it would seem that Satoru and Lavi's little "date" went pretty well? It was great to see them getting along, and for Satoru to be happy. The kid had seemed a little off for the past week or so, Allen was glad to see he was back to normal. Worry subsiding, Allen and Satoru went back to talking about sweets.

Meanwhile, the two older boys spoke of a slightly different topic. Lavi leaned on the windowsill, his hands lying flat on the cold stone, arms holding him up. Kanda stood near the side of the window, the corner where the window met the wall digging into his back just a little uncomfortably.

"So, how'd you fair?" Lavi asked, wondering if anything had gone wrong in his absence. The part of him that he was sure would never give up was sort of hoping that nothing would happen, that Allen and Kanda would only ever reach acceptance and forgiveness, and nothing more. However, the more dominant part of him (the part of him that was tired of being hopeless, of having a goddamn annoying heart, of being part of some one-sided romance that _wouldn't work out anyway_) replaced any desire of ill-will with the best of wishes. Kanda sighed, not really sure what he could say about the day.

"...Not so bad, I guess. We talked a little, the nurse came in, then I spent most of the afternoon reading to him," Kanda said, in the most neutral tone he could muster. Honestly, he was glad to get just that much, He was rather surprised that Allen was ok with his presence all day. But then, Allen has proven himself at least that strong many time before, hasn't he?

Lavi was left gaping at the news, though.

"Yo-you mean to say you _read_ to _Allen_? What? Did you two sit down and have a story time? Never though I'd live to see the day when Yuu-chan would do something like that and then admit to it! Kinda wish I'd been there to see it," Lavi teased happily. Yes, it was better for him to focus on his friend's progress this way, instead of making himself depressed over what he wanted and couldn't have. He had to be supportive as he was one of the few who knew what was really going on. Still, that didn't mean he couldn't tease Yuu-chan a little.

Kanda's face colored a bit, he was clearly embarrassed by Lavi's comment. He knew the idea was ridiculous, especially because he was who he was, but it really was impossible to refuse Allen.

"So what about you? How much did you inconvenience my brother today?" Kanda asked, tactfully changing the subject. Lavi pouted; Usually one would ask "Did my brother cause you any trouble?" in this situation, right? What could make Kanda think that Lavi would _ever_cause trouble for Sat-chan?

"Hey! I didn't cause any trouble today, I just brought the kid wherever he wanted to go, and bought him cake, lots and lots of cake. I swear we must've gone to every bakery and sweets shop in the city. I'm surprised that any made it back here for Allen at all, really. Where does he put it all anyway?"

Kanda could hardly believe that an entire day had gone by in the civilian world without trouble. He couldn't believe that Lavi hadn't _started _any trouble. Kanda gave Lavi a skeptical look.

"Really now?"

"Really. Well, ok, Sat-chan did almost get picked up a few times, but I did well and protected your dear brother's virtue for you." Kanda sighed, sympathizing with his brother. It really sucked to be effeminate, foreign (and therefore exotic-looking), and short. Kanda remembered his own younger years painfully well. Granted, at the time it was Lavi making his life hell.

"I see... So everything went well? That's good, he's been so restless lately, I hope getting out helped a little." Kanda, without really meaning to, let out a small smile, wrapped up in thinking of his brother's happiness. Lavi raised an eyebrow to this but said nothing; It was only natural for Yuu to be happy when his brother was. Lavi turned his gaze toward the two sweet boys who were talking about sweets.

"But you know, Satoru is really something. On our way back, he said something that had me ready to punch him, and just before I got really angry, he said just what he needed to cool my head. He's kinda special that way, ya'know? To know just what combination of sugar and salt a person needs. He's interesting, pretty damn interesting." It was Kanda's turn to quirk an eyebrow. Lavi was making an old and familiar expression, that childhood experience told Kanda to be wary of. He was making his "I've just found a new toy who will undoubtedly be fun to tease" face. It seems that Lavi never did learn that people weren't toys. Strange, Kanda thought he had at some point.

"What are you plotting, stupid rabbit?" Kanda's question brought Lavi out of his trance. Lavi shook his head to bring himself fully back to the here and now.

"Huh? Planning? Sorry, sorry, I mean no harm. Its just that even though you two are so different, he looks a lot like you did a few years back. Reminds me of all the things I used to do to try and piss you off. Kinda makes me wanna pick on him." Kanda scowled at Lavi's rather blunt explanation; He didn't want Lavi picking on Satoru more than he already did.

"Don't you dare-"

"-Don't worry, I won't. You two are way too different. I mean, what would make you chase me around with Mugen or any other sharp implement would probably only make him say something really cutting and then storm away. I can handle being threatened, but who needs an extra guilt trip, you know?" Kanda wasn't exactly pleased with such an explanation, but he figured that if Lavi really meant it then his brother was safe from Lavi's annoying antics.

"I'm going to _kill_you if you do anything to upset Satoru," Kanda said, and Lavi had no doubt that he most definitely would, and in a painful and creative way, too.

Suddenly, Allen's voice carried throughout the room, the volume of it suggesting that Lavi and Kanda would most likely be interesting in whatever it was he had to say.

"I forgot this until now, but I got some pretty good news earlier from the Head Nurse. She told me that I can leave soon, that I can be discharged any time this week." Allen looked rather happy about this, though he wasn't really all that excited. He was just moving from one room to another. Now, when the cast came off his leg, and his innocence would work for him again, and he was allowed back onto the battlefield, _that_ would be something worth celebrating over.

Everyone's faces lit up, and Lavi and Kanda were quick to return to the bedside. Lavi was glad that Allen was well enough to be out of this room, as was Satoru. Kanda wondered if that was such a smart idea on the Nurse's part, because if Allen was still even remotely like his old self, he'd be doing intensive training by the end of the week, busted leg or not.

"That's great Allen! We should throw a party or at least get Jerry to make you something special!" Satoru suggested, clearly excited by the fact that Allen wouldn't be cooped up in the stuffy hospital anymore. Allen made a thoughtful expression.

"Well, I don't know about a party. I mean, I'm basically moving from one room to another. But I think I will see if I can get an extra portion of mitarashi dango... Still, if we had a party any time soon, it might over-shadow something much more important." Allen decided, nodding to himself. Satoru gave him a curious look, wondering what important date was coming up. Kanda nodded in agreement with Allen, and Lavi hit his palm with his fist, as though he just remembered something important.

"That's right! As great as you bein' outta the hospital is, we've got something quite a bit more important comin' up," Lavi said, his mind wondering what they would do for the special day that was on the way. Satoru gave him the same confused look he'd given Allen.

"What's coming up that's so important?" He asked, hoping someone would answer. Kanda raised an eyebrow to this, but replied simply: "Your birthday."

Satoru blinked for a moment, processing the information, before hitting his forehead with his palm.

"Ah, geez. How the heck did I forget my own birthday?! It's less than a week away, isn't it? I'm turning...16, I think, right?" Satoru looked over to Yuu for confirmation. Kanda nodded, wondering why he had to remind Satoru of his own age.

"This is your first birthday with the Order Satoru, we'll be sure to make it special!" Allen said happily, knowing that the Order could throw a great party, even on short notice. He was also glad to know that he would be able to attend the party in the dining hall, instead of wasting away in the hospital. Satoru flushed, embarrassed that such a fuss was being made over his birthday. It couldn't be all that important if even he forgot about it, right? Still, he was sort of looking forward to it.

000

"So...this is your room, right Allen?" Satoru asked, as the quartet came to the door that was right down the corridor from the dining hall. Lavi held a box of things that Allen had with him in his hospital room, and Kanda was paying special attention to Allen, who was walking on crutches, making sure he didn't fall.

"Che, your room is creepy, I would've just stayed in the hospital," Kanda commented in a bit of a mutter. Allen pouted, rather embarrassed by the fact that his room was, indeed, very creepy. It wasn't his fault, he wasn't exactly around long enough at any one time to make any changes for the better.

"It used to be a storage room, it's not like I decorated the place." Allen's old, bland room had been destroyed in a Komlin accident during the past year, so he had been moved to a storage room that was near the dining hall. He never had to worry about getting lost again (assuming he remembered to take a left turn in the mornings), but he wasn't quite sure he liked the disturbing artifacts that were scattered throughout his living quarters.

"Well, you could've at least taken the chain and collar off the wall, or had some of the logistics personnel move those disturbing ...things out."

"I'd never subject anyone to the trauma of getting near any of those chests filled with God-knows what kind of experiments gone wrong..."

"But you'll sleep with them in the room yourself?"

Kanda and Allen's banter was interrupted when Lavi coughed and cleared his throat. The bickering duo looked over to the red head, who was looking over to Satoru, who was giving both Kanda and Allen a strange look.

"Er...you've been in Allen's room before, Nii-sama?" Satoru asked, curious as to why Kanda knew about all the stuff in Allen's room when he hadn't opened the door yet. Satoru decided he didn't really care for an answer, and opened the door, only to find that _damn_, they weren't kidding when they said it was creepy.

"...You live in there?" He asked, in something of a frightened whisper. Allen nodded and walked in, seeing as no one else had any plans to move any time soon. Lavi, who had been caught off guard by the casket in the back of the room, shook his head and followed Allen in, thinking that something _really _needed to be done with the place. The Kanda brothers entered last, Satoru staring at the glowing glob of Lord-only-knows that was sitting in a jar at the end of Allen's bed, seemingly trying to escape its confines.

000

Allen found himself feeling rather annoyed when he walked into the dining hall for dinner that day. The moment he walked through the doors, he felt eyes on him. Every table he walked by stopped what they were doing to look at him, as though he were some great spectacle. Granted, he hadn't been in the Order's dining room in something like 4 months, but still, it was annoying. What was more annoying though was that he had to stop himself from smiling and waving at the staring masses. The old, fake Allen who pretended that he was always bright and happy and personable would at least smile, considering his crutches prevented him from waving. The new, authentic Allen who was still rather happy but much easier to annoy wouldn't pretend to be fine with being looked at like he was someone who just came back from the dead, so instead Allen just did his best to keep his annoyance in check and look straight ahead.

He couldn't help but smile when he came to Jerry's window though.

The scent of wonderful food being made filled his nose, and it didn't take long for Jerry to appear at the window, ready to happily take someone's order. His surprised expression was so comical that Allen couldn't help but laugh a bit.

"Welcome back sweetie! It's great to see your face after so long! Tell me everything you want, I'll cook it all in a jiffy!" Jerry chirped excitedly, practically dancing where he stood. Allen smiled brightly, he had been making a list of all the things he'd order for himself from Jerry, and it looked like it was time to let it all out.

A good 20 minutes later, when Allen was about half way through his meal, Lavi came and took a seat across from him, gently placing his tray onto the table's surface.

"Wow Allen, all ya did was walk in and you caused a huge uproar!" The red head said, commenting on how every table seemed to be abuzz with talk of the young boy. People who didn't know about the reason behind Allen's disappearance were being told the story by people who did, and reasons for his abduction were being thrown about, all wrong, but some ridiculously close to the truth.

"To be honest, it's pretty annoying," Allen replied, he really was tired of hearing everyone's speculations about him.

"Its gotta be, but they're all worried 'bout ya, you know? They think the reason you're not acting like you usually do is because you're still trying to get over the trauma of being abducted. O'course, that could be somewhat true, but I don't feel like askin' ya that. Still, none of them wanna admit that you plan on stayin' this way." Allen groaned a little at this, but otherwise took it in stride; He knew people would deny the change in him for a long, long time.

"Well, it's my fault for deceiving everyone for so long. I'm the only one that made this difficult for me," Allen said with a sigh, knowing full-well that it was definitely his fault and that he had to take responsibility for it. Change took time, but things would eventually change, right?

000

Satoru woke up feeling something close to excitement on May 10th. He hadn't intended to get excited over his birthday like a child would, but everyone had been making such a big fuss over it, their excitement was contagious. Even his usually stoic brother was outwardly showing signs of looking forward to the party, though Satoru was pretty sure Kanda was looking forward to his happiness, not the party itself. If there was one thing that hadn't changed about Yuu, it was his dislike of parties. Still, he'd already said he'd make an effort to enjoy himself for Satoru's sake, and that was definitely something.

Sitting up in bed, Satoru looked around the room for his brother. Kanda looked over his shoulder at the sound of someone moving, and gave Satoru one of his rare smiles. Yuu was standing in front of the night stand, buttoning up his shirt, his back to the room.

"Happy birthday, Satoru." Satoru returned Yuu's smile with one of his own, a bit of an embarrassed blush on his face, it was simply in his nature to be a little bashful when people made a big deal over him. Kanda tossed him a pair of clothes for the day, and left the room to wait outside the door.

000

"You can't go in there!" Lenalee all but yelled at Satoru and Kanda when they tried to go into the dining hall. "Kanda, you of all people should know where one doesn't go on their birthday, considering how you avoid all those places like the plague!" She continued. And she was right, Kanda should have definitely known that since the party was usually held in the dining hall, one would not want to be there while everyone was setting up. He wondered why anyone would want to be there at all, but...oh well, he was never one for solving mysteries.

"Right... Well, then... I suppose you got the basic tour when you first came here, but you've spent so much time just going to the same few places that you might have forgotten some things. Want me to show you around again while we wait, Satoru?" Kanda asked, not quite sure that there was anything else to do. They'd already trained for the morning, they couldn't eat breakfast (the downside to birthdays when they were your own), and now that Allen was out of the hospital (and no doubt taste-testing all the party food as they spoke) they had nothing to do all day.

"Sure, what's there to see?" Satoru asked as the two started walking down the hall again. He didn't particularly care what they did, as long as he got rid of some of his excess energy.

"Not much, really. There's a few lounges, another training area, the science department, the library-"

"-Library?" Satoru cut in; For just a second his eyes flashed gold, but he didn't notice the change, and neither did Kanda. Libraries held information, a lot of it. The Order library would probably have all sorts of interesting books that he'd never be able to find anywhere else. His Noah was positively squirming at the thought of all the information that was at his fingertips, and Satoru really didn't see the harm in indulging it just a little. Even a normal person would want to increase their knowledge, right?

"Yeah, it's pretty big. Wanna see it?"

"Yes please!" Kanda chuckled just a bit and led the way to the library. He hadn't gone there in the longest time himself, but he still remembered the path there; It was beaten into his memory after years of going there with Lenalee and Lavi when they were all kids. They used to sit around and read, and Lavi, master of languages even back then, would help Lenalee and Kanda get through more difficult books. Of course, then they all grew up, got busy, and in Lavi's case, got perverted. Kanda was pretty sure that Lavi reading his erotic novels out loud was one of the reasons he stopped frequenting the library.

"Well, we're here," Kanda announced, and they walked over the threshold of the library. They walked all of a few feet before they heard some movement father back in the library. A moment later, Lavi appeared from behind a shelf, looking over at the two curiously.

"Ah, what're you guys doin' here?" He asked, taking jaunty steps over to them; He was just wondering about how he could avoid work for a while. Lavi wasn't allowed to help with the preparations for Satoru's party, Bookman said if he wanted to go at all he'd have to work all day to catch up with everything he'd missed lately. He felt like Cinderella, working his ass off so he could go to the ball.

"Satoru wanted to see the library," was Kanda's simple answer. Lavi looked delighted to hear that. Kanda narrowed his eyes in suspicion, curious about Lavi's suddenly brighter expression. "Why are you here? Shouldn't you be helping someone somewhere?" He asked, not quite sure what Lavi should be doing, but assuming it didn't have to do with Satoru or himself.

"Yuu-chan, I know I'm a slacker and all, but really, I do work sometimes. It just so happens that now is one of the times I've gotta do some work," Lavi replied, pouting a bit at Kanda's annoyed tone. Ignoring the older Kanda completely, Lavi turned to Satoru. "Anyway, if you're curious 'bout the library, then it's a good thing ya bumped into me, Yuu hasn't been here in God knows how long, he's probably useless here now, since they switched to the Dewey Decimal system last year."

Kanda huffed angrily at being called useless, but at the same time he was somewhat thankful that Lavi was there, because he really had no idea how to navigate the library anymore. And what the hell was the Dewey Decimal system, anyway?

So, he trailed behind the two book-lovers, supervising without interfering in their conversations about books, organization, and other things that Kanda couldn't get himself to find interest in.

"Heheh, this almost feels like a date, complete with homicidal family member-gone-stalker!"

Ok, so maybe Kanda would do a bit more than supervise.

**Note! Allen's room: According to the picture of it in volume 8 or 9, there really is a chain and collar hanging off the wall, as well as some jar of moving stuff at the foot of his bed, among other odd things. Saya and co. have had a lot of fun thinking up reasons for why he'd have a leash and collar in his room...kufufu.**

**ah...Saya feels like this story might be getting a tad too Sat-chan centric... though she loves him so much... needs to get back to the Yullen... **


	72. Delicious Lie

**Yes, Saya knows you want to kill her for not updating in so long. It is a shame that you do not have the means to do so. But it is summer so hopefully she'll update faster! Hopefully. So..without further adieu...Oh, and the title is an obscure internet reference.**

**No more disclaimers. They became unnecessary a long time ago.**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

72. Delicious Lie

Satoru had certainly never seen a library like the Order's. It was huge, with floors upon floors of books! It seemed like it should be impossible to fit so many books into one place. But there were a million of them! More than that, probably. It felt like heaven! Satoru didn't want to leave until he read them all! But this desire to lock himself in the library for weeks on end wasn't his own, he realized when he started reading ancient Greek as easily as if it were his own mother language. The fact that he was indulging his Noah side like this, and therefore strengthening its hold over him, made him feel sick. He left the library soon after with a curious Yuu and a worried Lavi in tow.

"Well, I think the preparations might be done by now. Wanna go check?" Lavi asked, hoping to restore Satoru to his previously happy demeanor. He had a guess as to what was troubling the boy, because he'd seen the book Satoru had been reading and didn't recall the younger boy ever saying he could read Greek. He knew the younger Kanda brother was worried about the influence his Noah side had over him, and he had noticed these strange flashes of color going through Satoru's eyes the entire time they were in the library. Just quick little flashes, they didn't even last a second. That was all it took to get Lavi's attention though.

Unfortunately for Lavi, who had been studying the color changes rather closely, Mr. Stalking Big Brother mistook Lavi's intense staring at his little brother's eyes for something quite different and went on to beat the crud out of Lavi.

"They had better be done by now, we gave them enough time," Kanda agreed angrily, partially annoyed with the thought of having to attend said party ('_It's for Satoru,'_ He kept telling himself), and partially concerned about his baby brother's sudden change in mood.

The prospect of cake (delicious, wonderful, divine cake made by the god of the culinary arts Jerry) perked Satoru up right away, and suddenly he was leading the group instead of lagging behind, telling them to hurry up because dammit he wanted his friggin' cake. Lavi chuckled under his breath, for which Kanda elbowed him. His brother's sweet tooth wasn't funny, it was more like close to disturbing. He didn't even have innocence and he could eat so many sweets...

When the trio arrived at the dining hall's doors, they found they couldn't hear a thing from inside, a sure sign that the entire Order was packed in there and silently waiting for the guest of honor's arrival. Lavi opened the doors for them, and the three were greeted by a booming "Happy Birthday!" Kanda mentally groaned, feeling that he wouldn't be able to hear correctly for a week now. Lavi had half a mind to grab Satoru before he could lunge for the huge cake that was in the middle of the dining hall.

Thankfully, the little cake fiend had the self-control to simply stare in awe at the dining hall, and sparkle like nothing before ever had. He walked calmly toward the table prepared for him, as though he weren't dying to just jump into the confection. Both of the older boys were sure that there was a great internal struggle going on.

"Happy birthday Satoru," Allen said in lieu of a greeting as he sat across from Satoru at the table. He looked about ready to dive into the mass of sugar in front of him too, and Lenalee sincerely hoped that Jerry had made more than one cake because this one wasn't going to make it past Satoru and Allen.

"Thanks! I can already tell I'm gonna enjoy today." And by "Today" he meant the cake, obviously. The sweet loving duo's conversation was cut short when the entire Order decided to sing the happy birthday song together, and in a decidedly off-key manner. Kanda was sure he'd never completely regain his hearing.

Thankfully, it didn't take long to get to the cake-cutting, and soon everyone (except Kanda, of course) was happily chowing down on the wonderful cake that had been Satoru's one true obsession since the moment he realized he'd be getting one.

Somehow, everyone managed to talk while eating without being disgusting, and the current topic of conversation had to do with something that had happened on some mission some time before Satoru had entered the picture. Whatever it was had been funny, but neither Satoru nor Allen really cared at the moment, because properly shoving cake into one's own mouth took much concentration. Allen swung his uninjured foot under the table happily, reveling in the fact that he was here and with people he decided he cared about after all and eating his heart out.

His swinging foot hit something that it probably wasn't supposed to and a second later he heard a "Watch what you're kicking, Moyashi," from Kanda and apologized sheepishly. Lavi grinned and told them to stop playing footsies under the table. That lead to both Allen and Kanda kicking Lavi under the table.

"Ow! You two have no idea how to flirt gently, do you?" Lavi commented with a pout. Satoru, not wanting to hear what else the redhead had to say on the subject, grabbed the cake off of Lavi's plate and shoved it in his mouth. Naturally, most of it ended up on the redhead's face though.

"Shut up and eat your cake rabbit." Allen snickered at the display as Lavi obediently eat his cake. Kanda was having an internal fit, part of him was laughing and the other half of him was saying that no part of Satoru should ever be within two feet of Lavi's mouth.

"I-I'm really am sorry about that Kanda..." Allen said once again, once Lavi had been properly quieted. Kanda did his best to just shrug nonchalantly, though his insides were begging Allen not to apologize to him over something so small.

"Just...be more careful." And with that, the celebration returned to its previous state.

000

_I decided! I really did, I've made up my mind! I'll do it I swear I will!_

Satoru's teeth worried at his bottom lip as he thought over a decision he'd made just a few weeks prior. He'd told himself he'd stop being a baby, he told himself that when his birthday came around, he'd leave his brother's room for good! He couldn't just continue to impose on Yuu-nii, it was outrageous at his age, sharing a room with his older brother when he didn't have to. It was the equivalent to crawling into one's parent's bed when they had a bad dream, except he didn't even have _that _excuse!

He wondered how he'd tell Yuu about this decision. It wasn't like he expected Kanda to be heartbroken over the move or anything, but he wasn't exactly expecting his brother to just say "Good riddance," either.

000

"Huh? You're moving out?" Satoru nodded, looking guilty for some reason he couldn't quite understand. Kanda understood why Satoru would feel like moving out, and he had no intention to stop him, but the timing seemed a bit strange. Really, if Satoru had wanted to start acting his age, he could've easily started doing that before he got older by another year. Then again, Yuu also understood why he had waited; It wasn't that easy to put any small distance between themselves after having already been separated for so long.

"Y-yeah... I...It's about time I did, anyway. I've been imposing on you for too long now, I should've just moved into my own room when they said it was ready. Besides we're really too old for this whole thing..." That was the way to do things! Satoru was proud of himself for sounding sure of what he was saying. Still, he knew that his brother could see right through him, and hoped that Yuu would just feign ignorance and not ask questions or comment. Because one right word from Nii-sama and his resolve would crumble.

Kanda understood what his brother wanted without having to hear it, and went along with it.

"I agree, it is a little odd, isn't it? Well, if you ever feel the need, don't hesitate to stop by for a while." Satoru smiled, and silently thanked his brother.

"I will."

000

_168...169...170...Ah, crap._

Allen huffed as he let his torso fall to the ground. He felt so completely weak! It had been a week or so since the festivities and just a bit more than that since he'd been released from the hospital, and he had started training again, as everyone knew he would. Still, he'd been stationary for nearly half a year, and had suffered so much weight loss, and there had even been some damage to his muscle tissues, so he couldn't do much. He had to rebuild himself, restore himself to what he once was. He was dedicated to working hard for this, but at the same time it was absolutely frustrating! He used to be able to do at least 300 push ups on one thumb, and now he was doing damned girl push-ups on his bedroom floor and couldn't even reach 200! Granted he was only doing them this way because having one leg in a cast made it difficult to do things the traditional way, but either way it was pathetic.

He rolled his shoulders a few times, sighing, he really needed some work. But this was the only way to get it all back, wasn't it? He had to start from scratch, and work to reach his old condition and maybe even improve on it. And he definitely had to work hard to show his innocence he was serious about this, he wanted to get back to saving akuma and humans as soon as he could. He wanted to make himself strong enough to believe he could do that, he wanted to be strong enough to believe in the people he was going to save. He had to get that belief back if he was ever going to get his innocence to invocate for him again.

_I'll work hard, I promise... You gave me this second chance at life, so please give me a second chance at _this_ life._

000

"_Are you sure you want to stay behind here, Satoru?" _

"_I'm fine Nii-sama, don't worry, I won't get lost." Satoru smiled sweetly to his brother, who gave him a questioning look. Yuu knew why he didn't want to go back, but at the same time he didn't want to just leave his baby brother alone by the sakura-lined stream. Satoru assured him that it was fine, and that he'd go back to their home soon, so Yuu left after shooting Satoru one last worried glance. _

_If he had known that would be the last time he'd see Yuu alive, Satoru would've made him stay._

_But he didn't, so when Yuu was gone from his sight, Satoru sighed, and started walking along the stream's edge. He and Yuu were the only ones who wandered this far away from their home, so he was alone at the moment. That had been his goal in staying behind, being alone. It was his brother's birthday, but neither of them really liked parties all that much. And the celebration for this one was much bigger than usual. Yuu had gotten his seal that morning, it was an extra special occasion. _

_Still, even though their entire family had gathered at their house, well it was more of a mansion really, Satoru didn't want to go back. He didn't know why, but all his older family members looked at him strangely, it made him feel so uncomfortable. Sometimes they'd even talk about him right in front of his face, and say things he knew had to be bad because their disdainful expressions told him so. The things they said to his mother sometimes were even worse, he'd seen her cry over it once or twice. But no one would say bad things to her today, because today they were celebrating the fact that she had brought the family's protector and heir into the world. _

_But no matter what the adults did, the children were always worse. Nii-sama always protected him from them, but that didn't stop them from taunting him, and it didn't stop them from trying to hurt him. If it weren't for the fact that they were afraid to hurt Yuu, he'd probably have been killed by those kids, or at least seriously injured. _

_Satoru came to a little bridge that crossed the river, and sat down with his feet hanging over the edge. His reflection looked back up at him from the water. He didn't get it, why were his eyes that stupid color? Why couldn't they be like his big brother's eyes? Like his father's? And why did everyone hate them so much? He secretly liked the color, thought it was special and pretty, but it hurt him to have these eyes. _

_Satoru sighed again and closed his eyes; This place was his own little bridge of sighs. _

_When he next opened his eyes, he saw not only his reflection, but the reflection of another behind him. Startled, he turned around to look at the person. It was a young boy, probably his age, with white hair and skin, and pale gray-blue eyes. This person definitely didn't belong in this village, he knew. No one so outlandish would've escaped his sight for long. _

"_Wh-who are you?" Satoru asked, standing up as the other boy backed away from him. The boy almost looked like he was afraid of something though, and just kept backing up. Satoru quickly realized that the boy's inattention was going to land him in the stream, and reached out to try and grab the boy before he could take another step back. "Wait! That's the edge-w-woah!" Satoru had grabbed the boy's wrist just as he had fallen back over the edge of the bridge. The two of them landed in the knee-deep stream in a heap of limbs. _

"_Itai..." Satoru mumbled as he rubbed his head, somehow he ended up being the one under the white-haired boy and had hit his head on the bottom of the shallow stream. _

"_I-I'm sorry!" The boy said, rushing to get up and help Satoru too. Satoru took the hand the stranger offered, giving him a dubious look at the same time. He had an accent, it was horrible, really. This kid was obviously a foreigner. _

"_It's all right but...what are you doing out here?" Satoru asked, figuring that foreigner or not, this was only a kid, it wouldn't do much harm to simply talk to him. _

"_I-I was just...walking around before I have to go to work again..." The boy looked quite upset with the subject of work, and Satoru decided it would be imprudent to ask anything more about it. _

"_Um...So...What's your name, anyway?" The boy asked, and Satoru immediately felt stupid for not having asked that already. _

"_I'm Kanda. Kanda Satoru." The white-haired looked like he'd been choked, he was so surprised by the answer. Satoru immediately started to worry, what could be wrong with this kid now?_

"_Yo-you're a Kanda?" _

"_...Yes. What? Are you going to say I don't look like one or something?" Satoru asked,an insulted look on his face. The boy frantically waved his hands and shook his head. _

"_O-of course not! It's just..." The stranger, who was still un identified, seemed to be having an internal conflict at the moment. Satoru couldn't imagine what he was thinking about, but in the end something won out and he continued on with his previous sentence. "Don't go back home. Ever." _

_Satoru looked at him like he was crazy. While it was true he was avoiding home, he didn't plan on running away either! "No way! I'll go home if I want to." _

"_Don't! Please! Don't return home, it's not safe for you." Satoru growled at the back of his throat; All right, so his extended family didn't like him much, but it really wasn't something that a stranger like him had any right to talk about! Satoru turned to leave the child, he'd go home right now! _

_The white haired boy reached out and grabbed Satoru's wrist. "Please! It's more dangerous than you think!" Satoru turned his head to glower at the boy who had attached himself to his wrist. _

"_...Tell me why it's so dangerous, and I'll consider it," Satoru compromised, only because this child's worry seemed so genuine and real. It was impossible to just walk away. _

"_I...I can't tell you...not exactly. But I can say for certain that if you go back you won't ever leave there again." Satoru didn't understand, if something bad was going to happen, then he should return right away and warn everyone, not run away! _

"_If something is going to hurt my family, then I will go back to tell them," was his answer. The kid gripped his wrist tighter, his desperation running high. _

"_Don't, there's nothing you or any of them can do! Please...just stay here, or leave, but never go back to that house!" _

"_Let go of me!" The boy did as told and released his hand, but instead of walking away he dropped to the ground in a deep bow, his forehead touching the ground. _

"_Please...If you must go back, then at least wait until sundown...but please do not return before then. It would be best if you never returned at all, but please...at least until sundown..." A pitiful sight, Satoru couldn't help but cave a little at the heart-felt request. Whoever this boy was, he was trying to give him a warning, and Satoru should just be grateful he was being given that much. _

_But wait-he was the only one who knew about this. What about his brother? His mother? How would they know to run away? How could he save them if he couldn't return to the mansion? _

"_I...I will stay here. But please, if you see a boy who looks like me, but with dark silver eyes, tell him to watch out too, ok?" The white haired boy's expression went from over-joyed to guilty in a quick second, but Satoru never saw it because he had yet to sit up straight. Finally getting off the ground, the boy nodded. _

"_If...I see him before I leave for work I will," he said. "But only if you promise not to go back until sunset, at least!" _

"_I promise, so you'd better tell him!" The boy nodded again, before thanking Satoru and leaving quickly. _

_The sun would set in about two hours, Satoru had a lot of time to blow. So he walked back to his bridge of sighs and took a seat. _

_The moment the sun had sunken below the sakura trees, Satoru ran home, only to find his brother's dead body. _

000

Satoru awoke with a startled yell, breathing heavily. He hadn't had that dream in so long... And this time was different, so very different. That white-haired boy looked so much like what he imagine Allen must've looked like back then. He didn't have the scar over his left cheek though, and Satoru had never seen the boy's hand so...he didn't know if that boy was really Allen.

But it couldn't be, right? That was ridiculous, Allen couldn't have been in Japan on that day. Maybe he had remembered that wrong? That must've been it, he was just remembering the face wrong. Well, wrong or right, he felt like that memory was something he had to tell Kanda. He felt guilty beyond belief. He had known the massacre was going to happen before it did, and instead of warning everyone, he'd sat at the bridge and waited for the danger to pass, just because he'd promised some foreigner he would. Now that he knew Yuu was alive, he had to tell him, he had to apologize.

He looked over to the clock that had been placed in his new room; it was only 2 a.m, he couldn't go bugging Kanda now about it. He'd just have to remember to tell Yuu later. But he couldn't get back to sleep now either. It wasn't just that the memory was going to haunt him in his dreams, but it was also just the Order itself. He felt uncomfortable, being here alone. It was a very unguarded feeling. He was suddenly aware of the fact that he was everyone in this building's enemy, and even though they themselves didn't know that (for the most part), he felt like any moment now they'd come in and try to kill him. He didn't like being alone here, he wasn't going to be able to get used to this easily. He hadn't thought about this before he moved out. Satoru had felt so perfectly secure in the Order while with his brother and friends that he hadn't even thought it would be a problem.

Satoru clasped his hands and prayed to a god he was sure had forsaken him a long time ago.

000

Kanda stretched as he woke up, yawned, and ruffled Satoru's hair as he had gotten in the habit of doing in the mornings. He was about to slip out of the warm comfort of his sheets when he realized something: Satoru wasn't supposed to be there anymore.

_Well, his determination sure did last..._

Kanda got out of bed and decided that for the sake of his brother's pride, he wouldn't say a thing about it unless Satoru brought it up first. After getting dressed in his usual garb, Kanda started brushing the ends of his hair, wondering if he should wait for Satoru to wake up or not. It would probably be best to stay, just because it seemed a bit rude to just leave Satoru alone, and chances were that the whole reason Satoru was even here at all was because he didn't want to be alone.

When the sleepy younger Kanda slowly rose, Kanda gave his usual good morning, as though it were just another day and Satoru hadn't decided to move to another room a week ago. He watched with amusement as Satoru realized where he was and turned red; he was a great big brother, to be sure, but finding his little brother's embarrassment funny just kind of came with the job.

"I-I'm sorry Yuu-nii! And after I said I'd leave for good..." Satoru sighed and rubbed his head as he tried to remember coming here the night before, he'd probably been nearly asleep at the time, because the memory was fuzzy. He did, however, remember why he'd woken up in the first place, that became clear in his mind immediately, it seemed so pressing.

"Ah! Brother, I've got something to tell you, that's why I'm here!" Satoru sat up straight and beckoned Kanda over with his hand. Kanda raised an eyebrow, but moved back to his bed.

"Well? What is it?" Kanda asked, seeing as Satoru seemed suddenly hesitant to bring up the subject. Satoru wished he hadn't brought this up first thing in the morning, it was going to ruin both of their days.

"Um...well, see...I remembered something that I think might be important but...it's not really the kind of thing one would start the day off with," Satoru said, as a sort of warning to Yuu. Kanda gave him an "it can't be that bad" look, and he replied with an "Oh yes it can be" look of his own.

"Well, you've brought it up now, so you might as well tell me," Yuu said, waiting for Satoru to start. The younger brother sighed, before he recounted everything he could possibly remember about the incident, and the memory was rather vivid in his mind now. Kanda listened with growing interest as the story went on. But the more Satoru revealed, the more guilty he felt; This all should've been said years ago, when it could've done someone some good! What was the point of saying anything now, when all he was doing was suspecting Allen of possibly being in Japan at the time his family died...and knowing about it before it happened...

"A-and that was the end of it... But that boy looked so much like Allen...I had to say something about it...I mean, the kid didn't have Allen's scar and I didn't see his hands so I don't really know but...I'm just being stupid, right? There's no way Allen has ever been to Japan, right? Besides... why would he have been there at that time?" Satoru looked up to his brother, hoping that maybe the older boy knew something that he didn't which would clear Allen of having ever been in the area at that time. But Yuu wouldn't look him in the eye.

"Brother... You know him better than me, he's never mentioned being there before, right?" Kanda's response was not immediate, but when he finally gave one, Satoru wished he'd just stayed silent.

"...He's mentioned being there before." At this Satoru became a little more disheartened, but tried to cover it by chuckling, though it came out nervous and strained.

"But that kid didn't have his scar so it couldn't have been him. Besides, why would he know about the attack beforehand like that kid did?"

"...Allen got the scar after his father died four years ago, five years after that happened."

Satoru didn't want to think this way, but he couldn't help it. His mind was piecing things together faster than he could understand them. He just wanted to stop them, to stop functioning for just a moment.

"_...when I was really young, I traveled with these people, they...they made me ... kill... a lot of people, too many to count now..."_

"_I-I was just...walking around before I have to go to work again..."_

"_I...I can't tell you...not exactly. But I can say for certain that if you go back you won't ever leave there again."_

Allen was a killer, did he even know he'd told Satoru that? In that state that-looking back at it now- couldn't have been a state of true coherence, did Allen realize what he was confessing to? The boy had looked like Allen, and had known about what was going to happen to his family. He'd had a "job" he couldn't talk about. Allen had quite possibly been in Japan around that time. But Allen couldn't have...

"Nii-sama...please tell me I'm wrong for thinking something as wicked as what I'm thinking but...Allen... He's just Allen, right?"

Kanda didn't know what to say, he could see that Satoru already suspected the truth, and if he'd had the guts to bring up this topic with him, then Kanda doubted he wouldn't be able to pluck up the courage to ask Allen one day. He looked back down to Satoru, and brought his downcast face up.

"It's really hard not to think any differently of him now, isn't it?" Satoru's eyes widened at the indirect confirmation of his fears.

"No! Allen couldn't have...That means he...you... How can you even look at him without remembering that day every time?" Satoru asked, unable to believe that his friend, the person he'd saved from the Noah's clutched, had murdered his family.

Kanda pulled his brother to his chest, smoothing over his hair comfortingly. "Just be thankful that he managed to save your life, and take solence in the fact that he was being forced to do it. He didn't want to, he just didn't have a choice."

But wait-that was right. If what Satoru said was true (and of course it was, Satoru had said it), then Allen was the reason his brother was still here. Allen had saved his brother, he hadn't wanted to kill anyone, and even back then, he'd been trying to save anyone he could. He'd spared Satoru, sent him back home to Yuu, and what had Kanda done to repay him?

Yuu released Satoru quite suddenly, feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment, and before Satoru could even realize what was going on, Kanda had left the room.

**Yes, another Satoru-centric chapter. But this one is setting the next chapter up for some Yullen...or at least it's setting up the next chapter in such a way that **_**that**_** chapter will lead to the Yullen...but it's getting there...Q-Q...Sorry for failing? And yes, Satoru is indeed a cake nerd, if you haven't figured that one out yet... **


	73. Reverse

**Saya's trying her best to update whenever she can, instead of going by her old order, but it's really hard to break out of a habit like that... but she's trying. Hopefully she doesn't forget any of her stories along the way. **

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

73. Reverse

Kanda ran through the halls as though the devil were on his heels. He felt this sudden urgency to get to Allen, even though he knew the boy was in no condition to suddenly leave the tower or even his own room, and therefore Kanda did not need to rush. Still, he just had to run, he just had to speak to Allen as soon as he possibly could. He didn't understand, not at all. Not what Satoru had told him or why Allen had never mentioned it. Kanda had even asked once if Allen remembered ever seeing his younger brother and the white-haired boy had said no. Why was he only learning about this now?

Allen's room was right next to the dining hall, as everyone already knew. While it was not to the dining hall's immediate left or right, it was still the closest room to the hall. That meant there was heavy traffic around the area of Allen's door, but Kanda hardly cared as he threw open the door and slammed it shut behind him, locking it to be sure that they would not be interrupted.

Allen was on the ground, with his left arm bent behind his back and his right arm bending beneath him. Allen looked up to Kanda with wide, surprised eyes and a moment later, his arm gave out under him and he landed on the ground with an undignified "umf". Quickly picking himself up, Allen tried not to flinch back under Kanda's scrutinizing glare. Doing his best not to feel nervous about the locked door, Allen stood up and looked at Kanda, his gaze questioning.

Kanda stepped away from the door and for a moment Allen felt fear, but quickly batted it away. Kanda had, as annoying as it was to admit it, gotten tame, he was about as harmless as a house cat now (to Allen, at least), and for Allen that was a bittersweet thing. But at the moment, that just meant he didn't have to be afraid.

Instead of walking up to Allen as he was expected to, Kanda walked over to the foot of the boy's bed, and sat down on the floor, his back to the bed frame. Allen remembered that this was the same thing he had done when he had come to apologize before, and thought vaguely that it must be like a hiding spot of sorts for the older man, where he could admit to his shame or self-loathing without being seen. Allen made his way to his bed as quickly as he could, as if allowing Kanda to sit in his angst privately. Because all he could see of Kanda was the top of his head, Allen realized that although it was neat and orderly as always, his hair was down.

They sat in silence for a moment, Kanda mulling over what he would say in his mind, and Allen simply feeling the sense of confusion and conflicted emotion that emanated from the man. When Kanda finally spoke, his voice was low and thick with emotion.

"Why did you never tell me? Why did I only just find out this morning? I even asked you about it and you said no. Why?" It was safe to say that Allen didn't understand in the slightest, obviously Kanda hadn't thought his words over very well. What hadn't Allen told him? What had he hidden or forgotten? He was sure he'd understand if Kanda would just tell him.

"Kanda, what are you talking about? Please explain it to me," Allen said with a slightly pleading voice. Kanda gave an annoyed growl, as if it should be obvious. Allen was partially worried that he really was missing something obvious and important, but at the same time was both glad and slightly frightened of the fact that for once, Kanda seemed to be angry with him.

"Satoru! That day, ten years ago, you met him and you never even bothered to tell me! I asked you once if you had seen him and you said you didn't remember him at all! He remembered last night and told me all about it! Why? Why didn't you ever say anything about that? Even if it was only because of a chance meeting, you saved his life and you never even told me!" Kanda seemed so enraged by that thought, Allen didn't know what to say. Kanda was so frustrated, because had he known that, had he known that Allen had put in the effort to try and save even one part of his precious family, he wouldn't have... Never, and he surely wouldn't have continued to either. Not to say he had any right to in the first place, but still.

"I..." Allen was completely shocked by this news. He didn't remember ever meeting Satoru before, but then again he wasn't thinking very hard. Besides, he had never even thought to remember the faces of the people whom he had let live. Why would he? Warning them ahead of time meant that there was one less soul to feel guilty over, and the best way to not feel guilty was to forget them, instead of remembering them the way he did the dead. Besides, the number of people spared was nothing compared to the number of people slain.

"I'm sorry, but I don't really remember that... I mean, if I thought hard enough about it, I probably would but... There aren't really any flashing lights going off in my head or anything," Allen said honestly. What else could he say? It was true. "I...I never really made a habit of remembering the people I helped..."

Kanda wanted to look back at Allen incredulously, because if it had been he who was forced to live so miserably, he would've taken solence in the fact that he had been able to save even one or two people, not completely forget that he had. Then again, Allen had strange thought patterns. But Kanda guessed that Allen probably saw no merit in saving a few and killing a hundred.

"Well, Satoru remembered it, and his memory is obviously much more reliable than yours." Allen didn't bother to point out that in Kanda's eyes, his little brother was just about perfect in every respect, and therefore Satoru's memory was _obviously_better than his own. Though Allen was looking toward Kanda with slight sarcasm in his eyes, he wasn't so blind as to miss the fact that this revelation was truly bothering the older man.

"I...I just wish you had said something about it," Kanda said, his voice taking on a more serious note. His head lowered, Allen almost couldn't see it. Why couldn't Allen have just said something, or remembered something sooner? He would've saved himself a great deal of trouble, that was for sure. Kanda probably wouldn't feel so messed up now either, because he never would've continued to hurt Allen, he would've been trying to make things right from the moment he learned that Allen had saved his brother.

"...Would it have made a difference though?" Allen asked, wondering why this seemed so important to Kanda. "I just told one person not to go back, everyone else still died. I was only capable of saving one... out of your entire family, what difference does that make?" Allen had, after all, destroyed Kanda's life, pretty much, so what difference did one person make?

Kanda didn't understand how Allen couldn't understand that it made all the difference in the world, and turned back to give Allen an incredulous stare. "What the hell do you mean it doesn't make a difference? You saved Satoru! The only reason that he can be here with me now is because of you, and you don't think that makes a _difference_?!" As long as just one part of his family existed, Kanda could have a real home again, how could Allen not understand something like that?

When he put it that way, Allen supposed it would make a difference. But maybe he was just a little more selfish than Kanda, because he would want them all to be safe, not just one.

Kanda shook his head and turned around again, he hadn't come here to argue with Allen.

"Well...I suppose if you didn't remember it anyway, then there was no helping it, that you didn't tell me about it..." Kanda shifted on the floor, not sure if he could swallow what was left of his nearly demolished pride. "Th-thank you... for saving him."

There was silence as Allen let everything that had just happened sink into his head. Kanda had thanked him. Thanked him because even though he'd slaughtered the man's family, he had saved one of them. Not only that, but it seemed as though Kanda regretted what had passed between them even more now. Allen didn't particularly like that last part, it made things more complicated.

He understood why Kanda was feeling guilty, and he'd wanted him to feel that way but...Kanda had asked to be forgiven, hadn't he? How did he expect Allen to forgive someone who wouldn't forgive their self? And besides, this person at the foot of his bed was not Kanda, not the Kanda he knew, at least. This person had once been that arrogant, disagreeable, strong man that Allen had loved, but now...Now the person that Allen saw was just a sniveling weakling who was dwelling in their own mistakes. Allen didn't want Kanda to stay this way, he didn't want Kanda to think that all he could ever do was apologize. When would he realize that Allen just wanted the old Kanda back? That one from before everything went wrong, from when they both cared but were still themselves and fought and acted proudly towards each other.

Allen felt as though their roles had been reversed now. Somehow, it seemed that Kanda had become his own biggest victim. Allen could hardly care anymore, really, Kanda's transgressions against him were nothing compared to the Noah's. Kanda had done nothing more to him than make him act as cynical as he felt, and had made him think that in the end people weren't really worth trusting. That was nothing, it felt so inconsequential compared to how Allen had been made useless by his enemies.

Kanda was silent, and his crushing guilt and gratitude seemed to be rolling off of him in waves. Now it seemed as though Kanda were the one that needed to be brought back to himself, and not Allen. So, even though he was just a little afraid of touching another person, he moved to the foot of his bed, leaned over and slowly wrapped his arms around the older boy's neck and shoulders. Kanda stiffened for a moment, for he had not expected Allen to initiate any sort of contact.

Allen sighs internally at the feeling of Kanda's hair against his cheek, it's smooth and surprisingly soft, and he just wanted to pet it. Finally, he was able to reach out and feel the beautiful ebony strands that he had never before dared to reach out for.

Allen's arms tightened a bit, and for a second Kanda thought that maybe Allen had finally snapped and had just decided to kill him.

"You're different," Allen states sullenly, his breath felt cool against Kanda's neck and ear. "In some ways it's good, but I don't really think I like it much. You do realize that the person I've been in love with all this time would not act so tame, right? Or humble, for that matter." Kanda turned his head back just a little bit, and found that when he did that, the tip of Allen's nose brushed his cheek. He quickly turned forward again.

Allen sighed at this. It wasn't as though he wanted Kanda to be some horrible social recluse his whole life, always acting like he had a stick or two shoved up his ass, but Allen had liked the challenge that he had once been, he'd loved and envied the pride Kanda had once had, his coldness had somehow become attractive, and made his occasional, awkward shows of concern seem so much more valuable. Allen just wanted that back; he wondered if he was clinging too closely to the past.

"If you can become yourself again, then I think I'll forgive you completely." Well, that got a lovely response. Kanda jolted forward, and Allen had to let go of him before he was dragged off of his bed. Kanda looked back at him and stared with wide eyes, filled with disbelief and maybe...yes, it was hope. However, his hopeful eyes clashed with his words.

"What are you thinking, saying something like that so easily? Whatever happened to earning forgiveness? Anyone can be themselves! That's hardly an obstacle to overcome." Allen was looking at Kanda with a vaguely amused expression, which only served to make Kanda feel all the more incredulous.

"The way you talk, I'd think you wanted me to put you through the ringer," He commented in a tone that was obviously meant to provoke.

"I just want to feel like I've earned it," Kanda said honestly. Allen's acknowledgment of this showed on his face, but he was still determined to show Kanda that whatever ideas he had about redemption were probably very different from Allen's.

"So what do you think I should do? Humiliate you to make myself feel better? Order you around like a servant until you've paid your dues? Hurt you until the pain is equal to the pain you caused? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were an M, Kanda." Even though Kanda had tried to keep a straight face, Allen saw with every suggestion he threw out that Kanda would not want any of those things, but he also realized that at some point or other, the older man had considered them. Allen sighed again, and wondered how long this would keep up.

"Trust me, trying to get over your fear of hurting me will be a fine challenge." Fear? Was that what it was? Kanda didn't have much experience with the emotion so he wouldn't know. That would make sense though, of course he didn't want to hurt Allen again, and seeing as he was currently trying to win back the boy's favor, pissing Allen off hadn't seemed like the most intelligent thing to do either. But then... it sort of seemed like that was exactly what Allen was telling him to do. How odd.

"...You want strange things," Kanda finally said, to which Allen just shrugged.

"Maybe. But in any case...I'm hungry, bring me breakfast, would you?" Allen asked, and to his surprise, Kanda actually made it to the door before he realized he was following Allen's orders and stopped. He looked over his should with a bit a glare, before telling Allen not to be lazy and go get it himself. Allen smiled.

000

Satoru's usually organized mind was in complete disarray. He hadn't even managed to get himself out of bed because he just couldn't think beyond what he had been told. Allen saved him. He'd saved Allen. Allen had killed them all. Allen had destroyed everything he'd once had, but he'd also told Satoru how to get back to the last person he had. How was he to think of Allen now?

Paralyzed by these thoughts, Satoru continued to sit and stare at the bureau on the other wall. His brother's hourglass sat there, the one Yuu had gotten when he was given the seal at age ten. It had saved his brother's life, and though Satoru felt that Yuu might resent the lotus curse, he was glad that his brother had it.

Unlike his father, whose lotus had only three or four petals left by the time he was 25, Kanda's was only missing a few petals, and he was going to be turning 20 soon. Maybe it was because Yuu didn't have to take on the curse for the entire family now, but it seemed his lotus was going to last longer than their father's.

So, in a way, everyone else being dead was helping Yuu. Satoru felt sick for thinking that way. One life surely wasn't worth the hundred or so that had been ended. Then again, lives and their worth had never been decided by numbers. But still, surely there was a limit to that sort of thinking, surely the potential his family had once had was worth the shortening of one person's life...At least, logically speaking, that made sense. But Satoru had been hated by their family, and he had rather disliked them all back, so in his biased eyes, keeping his beloved brother was worth it, in a way. And Satoru still felt sick for thinking that way.

But that wasn't the problem at the moment, the problem was how he would face Allen the next time he saw him. Rage and a desire to hurt burned within him, and his Noah was feeding off of his negative feelings. It kept saying _"Take his innocence and crush it before his eyes, that will be your revenge. Kill him, as he already should have been. Kill the traitor." _

Satoru fought his Noah, wondering if he could really handle being this way for much longer. If he let his negative feelings continue to grow, then surely his Noah's strength would only grow with it. He didn't understand how that could be, when he was the Noah of Knowledge and not the Noah of Rage, or the Noah of any particularly unpleasant emotion, for that matter.

But He couldn't just bottle these feelings up, how was he going to deal with this without letting his Noah get any stronger?

Satoru was so engrossed in his own thoughts that he was completely deaf to the sound of the door opening, or the footsteps coming inside. He was a blinded too, he didn't even register the fact that his brother, who'd left him so quickly, was back and giving him a most worried expression. He didn't realize he was within the presence of another until Kanda shook his shoulders, at first gently, but then with a bit more force as the older brother started to panic.

"Satoru? Satoru! Snap out of it!" Kanda said loudly, in what couldn't exactly be called a shout. The movement registered with him, and he shook his own head, clearing his mind of its jarring thoughts. Well, he tried to clear them away at least, but it was a damn near impossible feat. All his mind could do was cling to the solid existence of his brother before him, now that he was indeed here again.

"Satoru, are you all right?" A stupid question, Kanda knew. His young brother had just gotten what might have been the second or third biggest shock of his life (coming in after discovering their family was dead, and that he was a Noah), he'd just found out that his close friend had murdered their family in cold blood. Of course he wasn't all right! He probably wouldn't be completely all right for a long time.

"Nii-sama... I don't like this at all. I don't know what to think, and there are too many things to think! Please Yuu-nii, tell me what I'm supposed to do now..." Satoru looked as though he had been defeated by his own mind, and his own thoughts. His Noah was still talking to him, telling him to kill the brother who hadn't taken his rightful revenge, when he was finished with Allen. _"Just destroy them all, for caring about him."_

Kanda was at a bit of a loss, because he didn't really know what Satoru should do to calm down. Kanda had gone about with releasing his anger all wrong, he always had, so what advice could he possibly give Satoru? Besides that, he could see his brother's pupils dilating and shrinking with the steady rhythm of a heartbeat, leaving more flecks of gold in those emerald orbs every time they retracted. His impartial exorcist side was telling him that this could become very dangerous if he didn't say the right thing, but at the moment, he just wanted to shove that part of him into a closet, and deal with Satoru not as a Noah and enemy, but as his precious brother.

"Well, I can't exactly help you with dealing with this. I went about everything all wrong. You've got a right to be angry and upset over this, but just know that he's already paid for it. He's more than paid for it, I went way too far in my revenge. Besides, even more than you or me, he's the one who won't forgive himself. So be angry, but ...just don't let it control you."

Satoru blinked at his brother owlishly. Somehow, Kanda seemed very pained by what he was saying. And what did Kanda mean by saying he want too far?

"Nii-sama...how did you go too far? Doesn't taking revenge for murder usually involve murder? He's still alive, you know..."

Kanda face twisted into a rueful grimace as he replied: "That just made it all the crueler."

Satoru didn't understand it really, but decided that he would take his brother's word for it.

"Ok... I'll try not to but...um...could I maybe stay here for a while?" Satoru asked, and Kanda nodded.

"Sure, do you want me to stay with you?"

"No! Um...No, you don't have to..." Satoru didn't want to seem rude or angry by immediately rejecting his brother's offer, but he was afraid of being around anyone for any amount of time when his Noah was so strong. Kanda understood without being told, and left his brother in peace.

000

It had been maybe a week since Satoru's dream, and while he had felt well enough to leave Yuu's room, he still did not want to see Allen, and was sure to avoid all of the white-haired boy's usual spots. Allen was not oblivious to this, and had expected it, after Kanda had come to his room that morning. Even so, he couldn't help but feel that he had lost a precious friend because of a past he didn't want.

But at least Allen knew why Satoru was avoiding him and isolating himself. Lavi, on the other hand, had no idea what was going on, to him it seemed like Satoru was just randomly avoiding everyone. When he tried to ask Allen why, he was just brushed off. The most he could get out of Kanda was "He's sick, so leave him the hell alone." Lavi really hated being out of the loop.

Lavi had gone to visit Satoru in his room earlier that week, when he'd first heard that Satoru was "sick", and found that the boy wasn't there. That meant that he was holing up in his big brother's room, and not even Lavi was foolhardy enough to dare to enter Kanda Yuu's room.

Then again, if it was just to check on Satoru, it would be ok, right? Besides, it wasn't as though he couldn't just try and find the younger Kanda while he was out of the older one's room. That seemed like a safer idea anyway, so he'd do that.

Lavi knew where not to look by now, because after a week Lavi had realized it was Allen that Satoru was avoiding. Therefore, if it was a place that Allen was likely to show up in, it was just as likely that Satoru would not. Well then, the dining hall was immediately out of the question, as was that entire floor, really. Allen, not being allowed to use the stairs, was basically stranded on his floor, even though there was a perfectly operational elevator that the boy could use if he so chose. Lavi suspected Allen had some bad experience or other with elevators.

But there were still at least a hundred more floors for Satoru to be on. Good grief, why the hell was Satoru running away anyway?! And Why did Lavi care? He really wasn't supposed to. So what if Satoru was feeling temperamental, teenagers did that sort of thing. Lavi should just head to his room or the library and get some work done, because he had finally caught up with all he'd missed, and it'd be a shame if he got behind again...

But no, instead of working Lavi continued to search. Whether it was because he was sincerely worried about Satoru, or because he just wanted to procrastinate, he wasn't exactly sure. Now he was exploring the 10th floor of the building, which was just below the floor with the exorcist's rooms. Lavi figured that Satoru would probably stay close to Kanda's room, seeing as that was where he was taking shelter from whatever he was avoiding.

"Sat-chan...! Here boy! I've got cake on order for ya at the dining hall!" There was a quick motion to his left that Lavi just barely perceived as being there, and chased after it. Turning the corning, he saw Satoru running down the hall, going in the complete opposite direction of the dining hall. Obviously, the cake wasn't a good enough lure.

"Hey! Sat-chan, wait up!" Lavi called, running after the boy. With his longer gait, it was easy for him to catch up, but instead of stopping the boy he ran beside him, which seemed to annoy the younger male for some reason.

"Stop following me," Satoru said, speeding up. Lavi matched his stride and was once again at his side.

"Why? You've been avoiding us for a while now, what's the matter, Sat-chan?"

"Don't call me Sat-chan!"

"Don't avoid the question." Satoru sped up yet again, and this time Lavi reached out and grabbed the boy's shoulder, pulling him back and making him stumble. Within seconds of this first contact, Satoru had fallen back on Lavi and the two of them had ended up a tangled mess on the floor of the corridor.

Satoru huffed and tried to right himself, but was prevented from standing up by two strong arms around his waist.

"Not gettin' away that easily Sat-chan. Now you can either cooperate and tell me what's buggin' ya in my room, or you can sit here with me in the middle of this hallway where everyone can see me hug ya." Satoru wasn't sure which option was worse. He could either sit here in this embarrassing situation until someone made Lavi release him, or he could enter the redhead's room...the very idea of which made him feel claustrophobic.

"Um...could we maybe talk about this in some other place...that isn't your room?" Satoru asked, thinking that maybe a nearby lounge would be best.

"Depends on if ya want anyone walkin' on the conversation or not," Lavi replied, which made Satoru hang his head. No, he definitely didn't want anyone to hear what he had to say, though he didn't plan to tell Lavi about everything. Still...Lavi had said he could always tell him when his Noah side was giving him trouble, so at least he could really talk about that with Lavi...

"Alright, you're room it is then."

**Yeah, being in Lavi's room means nothing, but with Satoru being how he is, he'd make a big deal of it in his mind. There was a bit of Yulleny bits in this, but not much...Saya's getting there...it's all build-up...really. Er...patience is a virtue? -bricked-**


	74. Confession

**Sorry lovelies, Saya knows she left this story alone for far too long D: Saya fails so epically and she knows it. Hopefully, with the return of the school year Saya can get back into the game? Pray? Please and thank you for not abandoning this crappy, not-updated fic?**

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

74. Confession

And Satoru had thought the Library had a lot of paper in it.

Lavi and Bookman's shared room seemed to grow yellowed newspapers. On the walls, in huge piles that were really more like hills, everywhere he looked, Satoru found himself walled in not by stone, but by newspapers. They were everywhere and from anywhere, Satoru noticed as he cautiously tried to step over a particularly worn-looking newspaper from Portugal. Funny, Satoru figured that Bookman would've kept things neater than this, though it was expected of Lavi.

In the very back corner, there was a clearing surrounding the bunk-bed that Lavi and Bookman shared. Satoru assumed that the bottom bunk was Lavi's, based on the fact that it was a complete mess and there was a center-fold pin-up of a beautiful and practically nude woman near the headboard. Rather than finding that disgusting or disturbing, Satoru found that quite reassuring.

Lavi sat at the head of his bed and started unbuckling his chunky boots, he was obviously assuming that he'd be listening to Satoru's story for a while, and spending even more time trying to reconcile whatever issue he had. Satoru timidly sat at the foot of the bed, not feeling quite comfortable in this situation. Faintly, he realized as he looked across the room, that there was a table and two chairs on the top of a stack of newspapers. He saw the vague outline of a staircase up it.

Lavi gave Satoru a curious look, before sighing and leaning back against the wall, his back covering the pin-up.

"Geez Sat-chan, one would think you expected to be attacked by all the newspapers or something. I swear, they only bite if you rip the pages," Lavi said, sarcasm coloring his voice. Satoru gave a little chuckle, which sounded slightly forced. Lavi waved it off, knowing that Satoru did not quite like being alone with any one person but his brother in a small, confined space.

So Lavi gave Satoru as much space as he could (there wasn't much to give in the first place), and tried to get Sat-chan talking.

"So, let's cut straight to the point, hm? Why is it that you are avoiding Allen so adamantly? Kanda seems to know and is being strangely understanding, and Allen seems to know too, which only seems to be making it worse for him. I can't imagine Allen saying or doing anything so horrific as to get avoided by you but... Well, you tell me if he can."

Satoru was too busy trying to decide just how much he could tell the redhead to really pay attention to what Lavi was saying. Lavi didn't miss this, and decided it would be best to shut up and let Satoru debate whatever it was that was going through his mind in peace. A small part of him wondered just what it was that made Satoru feel the need to think about this so much.

"Well... A really long time ago, before Yuu-nii came to the Order, Allen somehow ended up in Japan with some...unsavory people," Satoru started, looking away from Lavi as he said the last part of his sentence. From what Satoru was saying, Lavi guessed that whatever it was happened at about a decade ago. Curious, Lavi had been under the impression that Allen had been traveling with his foster father in a circus around that point in his life. Allen only ever talked about Mana reverently, he never made him seem like a bad person.

Hm, already something about Allen's story seemed to be amiss.

"I met him while he was there, though it wasn't until recently that I realized that it was he whom I had met. He warned me not to go back to my house, because something bad was going to happen. He convinced me not to go back until sunset. When I went back, I found that something..._really _horrible had happened. Obviously, I had to assume that the boy I'd met was involved with whoever did it, because he'd known that it was going to happen before it did, and warned me to stay away. I asked Yuu-nii about it later, he'd been at the house when it happened so he could tell me for sure what had happened. It turned out that Allen had been the person who did it."

Lavi was quite unsure of how to take this. Without knowing just what it was that Allen had done, he could not properly appreciate the gravity of the situation. Whatever it was, Kanda had lived to tell the tale, so he figured the incident couldn't have been too violent. Then again, Lavi was quite sure that in the Order's files on Kanda, it said that his family had been massacred. That sounded like something really horrible to Lavi, but he couldn't imagine Allen raising a hand against normal human beings. Well, maybe he just didn't want to imagine that Allen could.

Satoru could see the question in Lavi's eyes, but shook his head to answering it. Who Allen had been with, what he'd actually done, and why wasn't Satoru's information to give out. It was Allen's choice to share those things or keep them a secret from everyone, so unless Lavi ever plucked up the courage to ask Allen about it himself, he would just have to remain clueless about the matter.

Well, he could either ask or he could figure it out from himself. Satoru got the impression that Lavi was already half-way there anyway. Obviously, he hadn't used enough discretion in his explanation.

"So...basically, you only just found out that he was the one to do this terrible thing a little over a week ago, and now you're angry at him?" Lavi asked, deciding to come to a conclusion now, before his curiosity got the best of him and he asked too many intrusive questions.

"It's not just that though, and that's the problem! I mean, sure, he did something terrible that pretty much destroyed my old way of life, and if that was all he had done, it would be easy to hate him and I wouldn't have this problem. But he had warned me ahead of time, he'd saved me from what he did. And then, even though he was hardly lucid at the time, he told me how to get back to my brother. I asked Yuu-nii how he had dealt with learning this, because I really have no idea how to and it's driving me up a wall. But he just said that he'd dealt with it wrong, he'd gone too far... I don't understand what he meant, and I don't know what to do."

Satoru hung his head, seeming to be at a loss, and Lavi had no idea how he could help the boy. Still, this put another piece of the proverbial puzzle into place. Lavi had always wondered why Kanda had done what he had to Allen that time in Antwerp, and now he did, sort of. Whatever mysterious thing Allen had done must've been absolutely detestable, and had pushed Kanda to do something even more despicable.

"And because I just can't deal with this, my Noah side is taking advantage of it, eating away at me through my anger. It's always telling me to "kill the traitor, kill Yuu for not killing him, kill everyone around him for caring..." I feel like I can't be angry because that could make it easier for my Noah to take over, but I can't get rid of it..."

Well, if Satoru hadn't looked distraught before, he sure did now. It was like the boy was spiraling farther down with every word he said. Even Lavi couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor boy who was confused over how he should deal with his anger, if he should even be angry at all, and how to keep a damned second and evil voice in his head from taking over his body. Lavi couldn't come up with any solutions for any of the boy's problems just yet, only questions. Lavi could ask questions, he was good at that, so that's what he continued to do.

"Why did the Noah call him a traitor? I mean, maybe you might feel like he betrayed you, but you and the Noah have different opinions, right?"

"Why would I know? I don't have conversations with it, I just tune it out as best as I can, which is hard to do, considering it's _inside my head._" Satoru looked a bit annoyed by the question, as though he were appalled by Lavi's insinuation that he would know anything about the Noah. "But...even so...it's getting worse. I'm starting to see things in the mirror that aren't there. It's not much, but right now it's like some shadow is flickering behind me. It's getting more solid by the day."

That was not good, Lavi knew. Apparently, Bookman and Komui had gotten extensive information about the Noahs from some unnamed source that was clearly Allen. Lavi had been allowed to look over the new information on the Noah, as it would soon become common knowledge in the Order anyway. Apparently, full-fledged Noahs could see the reflections of their non-human selves. Lavi had originally thought that Satoru had already completely awakened, but apparently it was not so. His condition was probably getting worse because of the stress of his current situation.

Lavi definitely had to say the right thing here. If he didn't and Satoru fully awakened as a Noah, if it ever got complete control of the boy, he'd be confined in an instant, tested and experimented on, he'd live tortured for something he couldn't control.

"Listen, from what I've heard, it seems you've got every right to be angry with Allen. You're probably worried that seeing him will set loose your Noah, right? Even so, avoiding Allen isn't helping your anger, you've got to talk to him about this, get an apology out of him or an explanation, or whatever it is that you want. If you let your anger out in words, you'll get it out without physically harming anyone, and then your Noah will have nothing to work with. I'm sure Allen had his reasons for whatever he did, and I'm sure he's been paying for it in his own way. He definitely paid for it, all right..." Lavi trailed off at the end, bitterly remembering what Kanda had done in revenge. There was no way to justify that, Lavi couldn't imagine what would push Kanda to that extreme.

Satoru looked at Lavi questioningly, the redhead seemed to be getting lost in his own thoughts, or a memory.

"Lavi... You know what my brother did, don't you? Tell me, what was it? He seemed to regret it so much..." Satoru said, concerned for both his brother and Allen. His Noah hated selfless emotions like concern, and shied away from him, after cursing Lavi a few times.

Lavi felt like a deer caught in the headlights, pinned to the wall behind him by Satoru's wide, imploring eyes that positively sparkled with concern and other such kind emotions. Lavi didn't want to look at those eyes for too long, they felt so much, it was troubling. They made him want to feel, just to find out if his eye would reflect such emotions so vividly if he could feel them so acutely.

"You don't need to know, trust me. It is not our business to talk about anyway, and those two seem to be resolving it nicely themselves," Lavi answered, hoping Satoru would understand that he simply did not want to talk about it. Satoru got the message, and pouted a little as he looked away, disappointed. Lavi wished he wouldn't pout.

"...Alright then, let's go find Allen," Satoru said, ending the conversation as he stood up from the bed. Lavi followed suit, quickly passing Satoru, who was carefully walking around the papers on the floor. Maybe it was because Lavi was so used to being in this room, but Satoru felt he was being a little too careless, it would be so easy to slip on one of the newspapers. Well, the older man seemed to be having no problems, so Satoru figured he had long-since gotten used to walking here.

That opinion went right out the window when Lavi slipped on a thick stack of papers that had been carelessly placed in the middle of the barely-there path on the floor.

Satoru quickly reached out to stop Lavi from falling, but instead lost his footing and fell with the older man. There were a few collisions on the way down, before they hit the floor. Lavi winced at the pain in the back of his skull. He'd felt worse, definitely, but pain was still pain, no matter how accustomed one was to it.

Satoru had been the luckier of the two, he'd landed on Lavi. Lavi was not quite as soft as a less-toned person would be, but he was much more forgiving than the floor was. Still, Satoru groaned as he steadied himself on his hands and knees, rubbing his smarting nose. Seeing that Lavi was rubbing his head in pain, Satoru immediately started to apologize for hurting Lavi, though it had been the redhead's own fault.

Lavi wished Satoru wouldn't do that, either. It was showing more and more lately, Lavi felt, that strange cuteness that seemed to simply be a part of the younger boy's nature. He had nearly the same face as Kanda had maybe four years ago, but as he hover over Lavi with a worried expression, alternating between mumbling apologies and nibbling at his lower lip in worry when he did not receive any answer from Lavi, he could not have looked more different from his older brother.

And goodness, did Lavi wish Satoru would just stop being so damned cute. It was making him think strangely, and he'd already sworn off emotions after the entire episode with Allen. No more lust and love attachments for him, nope, they were too much trouble, they distracted him and hurt a hell of a lot more than numbness did. Besides, even Lavi wouldn't fall so low as to think his best friend's brother, and not to mention a Noah, was cute. Not to say that Lavi could hold that last thing against Satoru, but if worse came to worst, he would just to get the boy out of his head.

Faintly, Lavi hoped he wasn't on the rebound over a relationship that had never even happened, because goodness, that would be pathetic.

When Satoru looked Lavi in the eye, both boys found that they could not look away. Maybe it was because Satoru was still unsure of Lavi's physical state, but he was staring quite intently at the older man. Lavi should've said something by now, but was silent, it was only natural that Satoru was worried. But of course, with Satoru staring so intently, it did not take him long to realize that Lavi was staring back. Not in an unfocused way, no, he was definitely staring in an intense way that was borderline admiring.

Lavi slowly propped himself up on his elbows, but the two never once broke eye contact. Satoru did not move back, though at any other time, he would consider this closeness dangerous, and back away as quickly as he could. They were so intent on staring at each other than they almost didn't notice the enraged yell from down the hall.

Almost.

Both boys jumped at the distinct sound of one Kanda Yuu shouting death threats at Lavi from his position down the hall. Satoru looked up from Lavi as the redhead hung his head backward to get a good look at the door, before Kanda broke his door down.

"LAVI WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU-" Kanda's voice died in his throat when he saw the position Lavi and his dear brother were in. Silence reigned as jumbled thoughts raced through the oldest teen's mind. He couldn't believe it. He'd come looking for his little brother, whom eyewitnesses had seen being brought into Lavi's room, and in the end he found his little brother. On top of Lavi. _On top of __**Lavi.**_ Kanda didn't care if Lavi was his supposed best friend, as a big brother, frankly, he thought Satoru could do better.

And did this mean that Satoru was topping? Well that was a relief at least, but wait, no it wasn't because there was no way his precious little brother could be in some relationship with Lavi, with _anyone_ yet. He was only 16, of course he couldn't be in such relationships. Maybe in 5...10... 30 or so years, when Satoru realized that all women wanted was money and all men wanted was sex, then, if he so chose, he could have a relationship.

But definitely not with the bunny boy who would jump anything with a pretty face or big boobs. Or both, especially both, actually. Well, Kanda had to figure that seeing as both of Lavi's more recent and serious pursuits had been teenaged boys, he could probably rule out the breasts thing in favor of ties to the Noah, or something equally bizarre.

But goodness, not his beloved little brother! And if Satoru was on top, did that mean that _he'd _been the one to start things? Oh, Heavens no, Lavi had obviously seduced his naive and trusting little brother.

And even if there was nothing romantic going on, this scene was just so wrong! His dear brother, hovering over the stupid rabbit, their faces only inches apart, on the floor! Oh goodness no.

The shock on Satoru's face was quickly turning into embarrassment, as he found himself frozen in place, his face getting redder. He could take a rather accurate guess at what was going through his big brother's mind, and he didn't like it one bit. Clearly, Kanda was over-thinking things and was getting a very wrong, very out there idea about Satoru's relationship with Lavi, which definitely didn't extend beyond friendship.

Lavi, on the other hand, felt rather amused as he watched the expression on Kanda's face switch from anger to downright horror. It was even more entertaining than it would be to get caught with Lenalee by Komui, he was sure. Of course, that was probably because Komui was more used to having to protect his little sister and reflexively went for the nearest pointy object or Komlin remote control, whereas Kanda was a bit out of practice, and didn't seem to be able to do much more than stare in utter terror.

And then, because Kanda had maxed out his poor brain thinking up ridiculous scenarios and many painful ways to kill rabbits, he passed out.

"Nii-sama!" Satoru shouted and bolted up and off of Lavi. Luckily, Kanda had fallen onto a rather large pile of newspapers and hadn't hit the hard floor. The papers were scattered everywhere, and Lavi swore like a sailor, knowing that he'd have to reorganize that pile while enduring Bookman's punishment.

Pushing the thought of eminent abuse aside, Lavi got up off the floor and picked up Kanda's unconscious self, carrying him over his shoulder.

"Come on, let's get him to the hospital wing, just in case he hit something in that pile he shouldn't have," Lavi said, still looking slightly amused by what had happened. Kanda had a brother complex that could rival Komui's sister complex, who would've thought?

Satoru nodded at Lavi and followed behind as they walked to the hospital. The walk over was quite entertaining to Lavi, as everyone was giving them the strangest of looks. Clearly, they thought that Lavi had managed to beat Kanda, even though he'd been so murderous just a few moments before. They really should've known better though, because there wasn't a soul in the world who could beat Kanda when he was like that. Lavi could already tell that he was going to get heat from Kanda for this display later though.

000

"You're healing quite nicely, Mr. Walker," The Head Nurse said as she finished Allen's most recent check-up. He smiled happily, until the nurse gave him a stern look. "However, I can tell that you have not been resting nearly enough! How do you expect to get better if you do not sleep?" Allen lowered his head and grimaced. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't get to sleep, his mind was torturing him with memories and guilt, he just couldn't bring himself to close his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'll try to get some rest," he apologized quickly; the nurse looked doubtful of this.

"You'd better." Allen nodded and slid off of the examination table, walking towards the crutches he'd still need for about three more months. During that time, could he get back all that he'd lost? Or would he still be denied invocation by his innocence? Allen hoped not, he wanted to live again so badly.

The reception area of the hospital wing was as empty as usual, with just the usual worried finder or two there to fret over whichever of the hundreds of them had gotten hurt this time.

It got a bit more crowded when Lavi walked in with Kanda slung over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes, and Satoru in tow. Allen blinked his wide, highly amused and somewhat worried eyes.

"That's one way to make an entrance," Allen said as Lavi waved to him. "What happened to Kanda...?"

"Sat-chan and me were in my room and he walked in on us and passed out from the shock of it," Lavi explained, purposely wording things in a way that would make Allen misunderstand, just because it would be so much fun to see Satoru's reaction to it. Allen raised an eyebrow and his lips quirked up in a questioning little smile.

"Oh. I didn't realize things had progressed so much already. I also didn't realize Kanda's complex was that bad," Allen said, pointing to the samurai Lavi had on his shoulder.

Satoru's face had turned bright red all the way up to his ears, whether it was from anger or embarrassment, even he couldn't tell. He quickly stepped up from behind Lavi to deny what Lavi had said.

"No, no, no! It's not like that at _all._ See, Lavi and I were talking in his room 'cause I didn't want anyone to hear what I was saying, and then we were heading for the door when this careless rabbit brat stepped on a stack of newspapers and fell. I tried to stop him from falling and then...awkward positioning and Yuu-nii coming in and coming to the same conclusions you just did and...ah...So it's not like that. I don't go for rabbits."

"Oh. Lavi, don't say such misleading things. And...oh, poor Kanda..." Allen gave the unconscious body in Lavi's grip a sympathetic glance. "It must've been such a disappointment to him..."

Lavi gaped, before pouting. "Now that hurt Allen, right here..." He said, gesturing to his heart. "What'd I ever do to deserve everyone's disapproval, anyway?"

Allen raised an eyebrow, making an expression that said the answer was quite obvious. Satoru too, made a similar face.

"You chase after anything with a pretty face," Allen started.

"You'll go for anything larger than a B cup," Satoru added.

"You usually only think with the head above your belt when fighting."

"You're sort of like a failing womanizer who has all the ambition but none of the moves."

"You even hit on akuma once or twice."

"He even hit on akuma?" Satoru was aghast. Lavi looked about ready to cry big, fat, kicked-puppy tears.

"You guys are horrible!" He exclaimed, before running dramatically into the infirmary to get Kanda off of his aching shoulder. Satoru and Allen chuckled until their eyes met, and suddenly Satoru remembered that he'd been avoiding Allen, and Allen remembered that he'd deeply wronged the other and that Satoru wasn't very happy about that.

An awkward silence loomed over them as for a moment, their gazes dropped to the floor and neither could pick them back up.

"Um...I wanted to talk with you..." Satoru said awkwardly, breaking the silence. Allen looked up at Satoru with a bit of surprise, but nodded.

"Alright then. Your room is closer than mine is, would you like to go there?" Allen asked. Satoru replied in the positive and the two left the reception area of the hospital wing.

It was a quick trip to Satoru's room, or about as quick as any trip was when walking through the Order's tower. Satoru's room was still fairly barren, it reminded Allen of how his room used to be, before it got destroyed and he had to move to the creepy storage room. The walls were cracked stone and had nothing on them, there was not a picture, poster, or calender in sight. The bed was made up with plain light blue sheets, and it looked as though no one had used it in a while, or as if it had every really been used at all. The floor was clear except for a miscellaneous shirt that had probably been left on the floor when the boy had changed in the morning. Satoru was quick to pick it up and throw it down the laundry chute, looking annoyed with it for daring to clutter up his room.

Satoru sat on the edge of his bed, and motioned for Allen to do the same. Both seemed hesitant to sit too closely together though, for an array of reasons. Satoru opened his mouth to ask that one question that had been on his mind all week, but before his voice could leave his throat, Allen had started his explanation.

"I didn't choose to live that way. I can't excuse what I did just by saying that, but it's true. For maybe a year after Mana adopted me, we traveled with a circus, and that's usually all I ever tell anyone about, when it comes to my past. We traveled a lot, but now that I look back on it, I realize that we were probably using the circus to run away. Then the Earl caught up with us. Mana was afraid of the Earl, afraid that the Earl was going to kill me; I don't know why he wanted me dead, or wanted me around, really, I still don't. The Earl said he wouldn't kill me if we went with him. So Mana was put to work building akuma skeletons and I was taught how to fight, how to kill."

Allen was looking particularly dark at the moment, and Satoru wished that he wouldn't look so vacant at the same time. His face was twisted in pain but his eyes didn't see what was in front of him, he was seeing things that had long since passed.

"I hated learning those things, and I hated the weapon given to me. It looked just like Crown Clown does, and sometimes when I invocate I still see those dirty talons, rather than my own innocence." An involuntary shutter ran down Allen's spine, and for a moment his sightless eyes shut tightly, as though trying to block out the images his mind was creating.

"The only reason I knew what they were teaching me was bad was because Mana apologized to me endlessly for letting them teach such things to me, for what they would make me do. So I stopped trying to learn, and got beat for it, or worse. I was so uncooperative but they still got their lessons into my head.

"When they decided I was good enough to use, they took me to an aristocrat's home, apparently someone there had double-crossed the Earl and needed to be eliminated. It was a simple task, but I didn't want to do it. The Earl was so annoyed with my impudence that he threatened to kill Mana in front of me if I didn't. After that, I just shut down and did my job. Over and over again... I didn't want to though, but... I didn't want to lose the one person I loved a lot more."

Allen's eyes had dropped to the floor. He was still, the only motion in his body was the falling and rising of his back as he breathed heavily, shakily, unevenly. Satoru didn't know what to say to that. He knew that if Yuu's life depended on him killing a few strangers, he probably wouldn't hesitate to do so, yet he could not just dismiss murder. However, it wasn't as though Allen had a choice, and it wasn't like he felt no guilt over the matter. If Allen's appearance was any way to judge, then Satoru would say that guilt was eating Allen up from the inside, it probably always had.

"I didn't want to kill, but either way someone would die because of me... So I selfishly chose to keep what I wanted. It didn't matter either way though, so in the end I just dirtied my hands for nothing...Even Mana was killed..."

The more Satoru listened ,the more he felt that he was not the victim here, but Allen. Yes, he had seen his entire family dead, and his life had been turned upside down by it. By no measure was the pain inflicted upon him small, he still carried that pain in him, along with the guilt he had because he had not warned anyone. Still, he had not been the one who was forced to kill, he had not been the one who had to make the decision between his loved one, and anyone and everyone else. Satoru did not have to live with the guilt of taking innumerable lives. And worst of all, he did not have to know that every sin he had committed had been pointless.

Satoru knew the pain of losing someone dear, but he did not yet know the pain of taking someone away.

Slowly, with the least bit of hesitance, Satoru stood up and walked to where Allen sat. Allen looked up to him with eyes that looked glassy and wet, as though his tears were about to break loose but he wouldn't let them. Satoru wanted to say something, anything to make the tortured man in front of him feel less burdened, but he didn't know what he could say. Instead, he did what he felt he would want someone to do for him, if the situation were reversed and he was the one looking ready to break.

Satoru's Noah side hated such emotions as concern and understanding, and discretely ran away to the very back of his mind.

Slowly, Satoru hugged the older boy. At first he could feel shock rolling off of Allen, but then after a moment he felt warm tears soaking through his shirt. Whether they were tears of apology or tears of thankfulness, Satoru could not be sure, but either way they were better off shed. Satoru was still unsure of what to do though, he didn't know if just standing there and holding the older boy was going to help any. So he started thinking about what his brother would do in this situation, if he could go back, erase his revenge, and confront Allen about what had happened in a different way. Satoru wondered about what Allen would want Yuu to do in this situation, what he had maybe hoped Kanda would do when he found out.

Well, no matter what, his brother was awkward, so Satoru couldn't imagine his older brother doing much more than slowly, almost hesitantly petting the back of Allen's hair, but holding the boy just a bit closer. Satoru figured that for once he wouldn't really mind it if someone confused him for his older brother, maybe this was the sort of acceptance Allen needed from Yuu anyway.

After a few minutes of silence, Allen suddenly went limp, and Satoru looked down to discover that the boy was sleeping. Carefully, he laid Allen down on his bed, and moved him into a somewhat comfortable position. Looking now, he could see the bags under Allen's eyes from lack of sleep, clearly Satoru's behavior towards him had caused Allen no end of guilt and had resulted in sleepless nights. Satoru sighed to himself, before brushing Allen's hair away from his face like a parent might, and leaving Allen to sleep in peace.

**Satoru's a lot more understanding for his age than he should be... Saya really needs to work on making his personality consistent, it seems to be all over the place D: So, extra long chapter to make up for the absence...ftw? Saya fails so bad, she knows, she wishes she didn't fail like a failing thing... Sorry QxQ **


	75. Resolution

**Sorry for the horrifically long wait Dx Saya fails, and boy does she know it…anyway, fun chapter a-comin', so enjoy! **

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

**75. Resolution**

Kanda woke up feeling very disoriented, as he found the ceiling he was staring up at was not his own. He had been in this place enough times to know he was in the hospital wing, and for a moment he couldn't fathom why.

Then he remembered. Lavi. Satoru. In the stupid rabbit's room. _Together._ Just thinking about it made his head spin. Kanda had to say he had a new respect for Komui for being able to react to situations like that so quickly. Kanda would have to stay on top of his game from now on, to make sure that nothing like that ever happened again.

But what had happened, really? Now that Kanda was not staring right at the two (on the ground, faces inches apart and oh goodness, he mustn't think too much about the blush on young Satoru's face), he could think a bit more clearly. For starters, his little brother was a tad homophobic, so it would take a lot of work for anyone, even Lavi, to get close to Satoru in such a way. Also, his little brother was simply too proper and reserved to do anything with anyone after only knowing them for a few months.

And even if Satoru did like Lavi, the redhead wasn't stupid enough to do anything with his little brother. Besides, Lavi was still getting over whatever it was he had felt for Allen, there was no way he could so easily bounce back from that and move on. Kanda would know it was no easy task to stop loving Allen Walker.

So clearly, Kanda had misunderstood the situation. He'd let his imagination (which he never imagined could be so vivid) run wild, and had actually passed out because of it. Funny, he'd never thought he would have a complex that bad over Satoru.

Once Kanda felt he was completely ok, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and got up, walking out of the room. One of the nurses outside of his door tried to stop him, but he paid her no mind and left the hospital wing all together. Maybe he should look for Satoru or Lavi, just to ask what had really happened. After all, he didn't want to have all of those bizarre scenarios stuck in his head forever; he needed the truth to replace them.

So off he went, to Satoru's room, which was the closest to the hospital wing; there was no doubt that he'd been given that room because he had visited the hospital so frequently while Allen was around, and whoever was in charge of housing arrangements had wanted to make it easier on the boy.

About midway to his destination, he walked right into his little brother. Satoru looked up at him blankly for a moment, before smiling.

"You're awake, that's good. You worried me with your dramatics, Yuu-nii," Satoru said, his smile turning into a teasing grin. Kanda tried not to look embarrassed by the teasing, but it was hard not to, especially when it was his younger brother who was teasing.

"...Speaking of which..." Kanda said, looking down at Satoru curiously. Satoru turned a bit red when remembering the incident.

"It's not what you think," the youngest Kanda said quickly. Kanda raised an eyebrow.

"That's what they all say." Kanda wondered why he was saying such things when he definitely did not want it to be what he had originally thought.

"Really, onii-sama! We were just talking in there, and when we went to leave, Lavi tripped, and I tried to stop him from falling but fell too! We were just getting up when you came in!" Satoru explained quickly, hoping his brother didn't really think he would do something like that. He decided not to include the part about that strange way Lavi had been staring at him, or the stranger way he had stared back. Kanda breathed a sigh of relief when he heard that nothing had happened.

"Anyway," Satoru continued on, "Allen is sleeping in my room, if you need him. I finally decided to talk to him and afterwards he fell asleep... I've gotta say, I don't think there's a person in the world who could stand to hold a grudge against him after hearing that explanation." Satoru looked genuinely upset by what he had heard, and Kanda assumed that he'd just gotten a briefing on Allen's life before the Order. He patted his brother's head in a consoling manner.

"It's amazing in a sorry way that there are some fools who can," Kanda said, clearly referring to himself as the fool. "At least you're not a fool."

"Nii-sama..." Satoru mumbled as Kanda started to walk past him. He felt that his brother needed to forgive himself, since it seemed that Allen already had.

"Go and see Allen," Satoru commanded. Kanda stopped and looked back with a questioning glance. Satoru's brow furrowed while he tried to follow up his previous demand. "...Allen would probably appreciate not waking up alone in a room that isn't his," he finished, not sounding as bold as he had at first. Kanda raised an eyebrow at his little brother, before facing forward again.

"...I'll do that," he said, just a bit awkwardly, before starting forward again. Satoru turned back in the direction he'd been originally walking in too, and the brothers parted ways.

000

If there was one thing that never, ever changed about Allen, it was that he looked like an angel when he was asleep. No amount of gauze or blood could change that. Sometimes he might look fallen, but he was always an angel.

At least, that is what Kanda thought when he walked into Satoru's room and found that the unconscious Allen had curled into a ball like a cat on the center of his little brother's bed. His bangs mostly covered his face, though a few strands of it bent and flopped over his part and stayed out of the way. There was enough space between strands to see that the boy's eyes were red, and that there were dark rings under them. Allen had probably let grief and guilt consume him, and Satoru had probably offered him a shoulder to cry on. Kanda could imagine that Allen had been so worn out from the week that the relief of being on good terms with Satoru again had been enough to put him to sleep.

Kanda had no idea what to do now that he was here. What was he supposed to do, pull up a chair and watch Allen sleep? Wasn't that a bit creepy? Besides, even if he wanted to do that (secretly he did), there were no chairs in the room, and Kanda did not want to scare Allen by sitting on the bed with him. However, the way Allen slowly straightened out and rolled towards the wall seemed like an invitation for Kanda to do just that.

Still, Kanda didn't want to frighten Allen, he was still worried, so incredibly worried about breaking what little trust may have been reborn in Allen. But Allen had told him to start acting like himself again, and the old Kanda didn't care about what affect his actions had on other people, he just did what he felt like doing. The old Kanda wouldn't care if he thought his actions would scare someone, especially the moyashi, and heck, usually that was the whole point. Then again, the old Kanda wouldn't care about anyone and wouldn't be here at all, would he?

This thought has Kanda backing away from the bed, and towards the door. He probably shouldn't be here, because even if his little brother says Allen might appreciate it, that was a big might and Satoru didn't really know the whole situation anyway and would probably not suggest Kanda be anywhere in Allen's sight if he did.

But then again, that wasn't really true, was it? And of course the old Kanda had cared. If there had ever been anyone in the Order that Kanda had cared about, it was Allen. He'd cared when Allen had been kidnapped, he'd cared even when he was hurting Allen, and before that started he'd cared when the Noah had come after him in Antwerp, and London. He'd worried for the boy when he was down with seasickness on that boat so long ago, and heck, even on their first mission, Kanda had cared enough to save the boy's life. There was no way to deny that Kanda did indeed care about Allen.

So Kanda walked back over to the bed, took a seat at the edge, and gently ran his fingers through Allen's hair. It had gotten a bit long, he hadn't had it cut in about half a year and it was now past his shoulders. Kanda wasn't really sure which way he preferred it, but he supposed that it didn't really matter.

In his sleep, Allen smiled at the warm feeling of thin fingers carding through his hair.

000

Allen felt warm when he woke up, warm and light, but mostly warm. Especially his midsection, for some reason. As he shifted just slightly to turn onto his back, he felt that there was someone else near him on the bed. Allen's eyes flew open in shock, which left him feeling even more disoriented; he was in that empty room. That room, why was he in that room again? After a brief moment of panic, Allen looked around and saw the reason for why he'd felt so warm when he'd first woken up. Kanda was leaning back against the wall, right over Allen. Kanda looked peaceful in his sleep, though Allen couldn't imagine that he was comfortable. Allen gathered his wits and realized that he wasn't in that blank room that he remembered so vividly, he was in Satoru's.

Taking a deep breath, Allen tried to sit up without disturbing Kanda's sleep. As he moved, he felt something warm trail down his neck and shoulders, and curiously looked down. Kanda's hand, which had been moving through his hair in his sleep, was slipping away from the back of his head and back to the older man's side. Allen smiled a little at this, maybe it was Kanda's presence that had made him feel so light when he'd woken up?

Carefully, Allen crawled out of bed, shivering when his feet, which were only covered in a pair of thin socks, hit the floor; someone had taken his shoes off for him, whether it had been Satoru or Kanda he didn't know. He put his shoes back on, happy to find that they were much warmer than the cold stone floor.

Allen's eyes darted around the room for a moment, as though he were making sure no one else was there, before taking a step back towards the bed. He was tempted, oh was he tempted. Kanda was asleep, perfectly docile and asleep… Allen didn't have to be afraid of a sleeping person, and he definitely knew he didn't have to fear Kanda anymore… which left him with only his unresolved emotions that he wouldn't be able to express until that damned ponytail-sporting BaKanda got his act together!

So just one kiss wouldn't hurt anyone, right?

Allen kneeled on the bed, bracing himself against the wall with his hands on either side of Kanda. Quickly he leaned over and brushed his lips against the sleeping samurai's. A small noise of awakening came from Kanda, and Allen mentally cursed; really, was Kanda sleeping beauty or something? Allen snorted at the idea of Kanda being a princess, and quickly escaped the room before Kanda could wake up fully.

That left Kanda wondering about the strange tingling sensation on his lips when he woke up.

000

Lavi was currently coming out of hiding. He'd heard that Kanda had woken back up and had ducked for cover as soon as the opportunity presented itself. After about ten minutes of hiding in a supply closet, he decided he needed a less cramped hiding spot, preferably one that didn't smell like cleaning chemicals. It had been during the time that he'd spent going from abandoned hall to supposedly abandoned hall, checking each before going down them, that Satoru had spotted him.

"You don't need to worry about Yuu-nii right now," he said, hoping to lure the frightened rabbit into the next hall; Lavi looked ridiculous, hiding behind corners like he was. "I explained things to him, and then sent him off to look after Allen."

Lavi sighed upon hearing the news, and came out into the hall to stand by Satoru. "Ya know I love ya Sat-chan, but geez you come with a lot of trouble…" Satoru rolled his eyes at Lavi, knowing that the only reason that Lavi got in trouble with Yuu over him was because the rabbit had built up a bit of a bad reputation for himself. There was hardly a need to point that out though, so Satoru just kept the remark to himself.

"I'm in the mood for cake," Satoru said, out of the blue; he figured that cake would be a nice, neutral topic to concentrate on at the moment. Cake was very platonic and not awkward at all. "Lavi, bring me back to that cake shop in town." Lavi raised an eyebrow to the demand, and it was a demand for Lavi did not have the option of refusing, and pouted just a bit.

"Well aren't you the demanding one? You know, there are nicer ways to ask someone out on a date, Sat-chan. You're far too cold in your approach." Satoru nearly died when Lavi said that. He was not asking Lavi out on a date! Never would he ever think of this annoying redhead in such a way…! Gah, this damn rabbit and his word-twisting!

"But I'm not asking you on a date, I'm demanding that you buy me confections. Clearly, you're my piggy bank."

"So I'm your sugar daddy now? Literally, almost…" Lavi sighed and shook his head, as if to say "Kids these days, they start so young…" Meanwhile Satoru opened and closed his mouth repeatedly; he simply had no idea how to reply to such a remark. Maybe it was time for him to just walk away and never look back… And yet something kept him walking along side Lavi and arguing back.

"I can only imagine what big brother would say if he'd heard that…" Satoru said with a sigh; for once he felt very grateful that his older brother was over-protective. Lavi shuddered when a cold chill went down his spine at the thought.

"You're gonna get me killed one of these days, Sat-chan…" Lavi said, sounding grave. "But really, a word of friendly advice: if you ever intend to ask anyone out to anything, you definitely shouldn't do it like that."

Satoru snorted derisively and rolled his eyes; for one he wasn't stupid enough to think being demanding was anyway to ask anyone anything (except for Lavi, clearly), and as for his second reason…well.

"Are you, the king of failing pick-up lines, attempting to give me advice about asking girls out? That's just rich. How did we get to this topic anyway? I'm pretty sure we started at cake, can't see how we got to this point," Satoru said, deciding that this was quickly becoming a very pointless conversation, and that it wasn't a topic worth dwelling on.

Lavi looked mildly offended for a moment, before a devilish grin split his face. "Hey now," he started, his voice dropping to a lower volume as if he were trying to prevent anyone from hearing him; a pointless gesture, as they were currently alone in a hallway that was seldom traveled. "Just because 'Lavi' doesn't know how to win a lady over, doesn't mean _I_ don't." Lavi's expression turned mischievous, and suddenly he took Satoru by the hand and pulled him close, but not too close, and placed his free hand on the small of the younger boy's back. Mildly surprised and not sure what else to do, Satoru tentatively placed his other hand on Lavi's shoulder. Without music, in an empty hallway, Lavi started to lead him in a traditional waltz, except it wasn't so traditional because he was a boy and this was incredibly awkward for him.

Somehow, though he'd never taken a dance class in his young life, Satoru knew the steps to the dance; apparently his Noah knew a thing or two about ballroom dancing. He was a bit curious as to why the Noah knew the steps for the woman's role, and figured that perhaps before he was the Noah of Knowledge, a woman was or something like that.

When the young Kanda's attention came back to Lavi, he felt like he was staring at someone different. Yes, this person looked exactly as they had a moment before, but there was something more refined about him now, something proper.

"Lavi isn't really good a wooing women, but"-Lavi stepped away from Satoru and made him twirl, which felt a bit degrading to the younger boy; he was no girl dammit!- "Alias 20, Elliot, was a young French nobleman who was taught from a very young age all the proper ways to treat a lady, and how to woo her." Lavi's speech was proper and smooth, so unlike his usually energetic and unrefined way of talking. And was that a French accent the older man was using? It sounded very authentic.

It was hard for Satoru to concentrate on both the dance and what Lavi was saying at the same time, especially because he was trying to stop his embarrassment from showing on his face. He fought hard to remain in control of his facial expressions, but in the end he decided it would be safest to just stare at their feet and make sure he didn't step on Lavi's feet, even though he felt that Lavi would completely deserve it if he did stomp on his foot and walk away.

"Number 33 was Richie, a thief in Brazil who charmed many a woman out of her valuables, among other things." Lavi's accent changed to a more Portuguese one, and his aura went from one of refinement to that of a sly scoundrel. Satoru could see why so many women might be taken with the roguish grin on the man's face. "_His_ pick-up lines were most impressive."

Lavi pulled Satoru closer, much too close for the youngest boy's comfort, and changed the pace and steps of their dance; Satoru could not name this new, more risqué dance. Satoru found that he felt most uncomfortable while moving so close to another person. His stomach was tight and fluttery and he would've thought he was getting motion sickness if it weren't for the fact that he didn't feel particularly bad, just strange. He wanted to blush so badly that he couldn't force himself not to. He kept his head down and hoped that Lavi couldn't see his face through his bangs.

"And most recently," Lavi said, his voice taking up an American accent that was swanky and screamed of city life. The redhead smirked, and once again his character changed; he was clever and openly flirtatious. His single emerald eye narrowed seductively, as his lips curved into a smirk that matched his eyes perfectly. Suddenly, Lavi dipped Satoru back far too low for his liking, and caught Satoru's lower thigh just behind the knee. The raven-haired boy quickly hooked his arms around Lavi's neck, not entirely trusting the redhead to be able to support him only one arm.

Satoru was flushed up to his ears now and his face was too close to Lavi's to hide it. Personally, he felt that the redhead was getting far too into his roles, it was somewhat disconcerting to watch someone just change personalities so quickly like that. Moreover, Lavi seemed to be enjoying how flustered Satoru was, which made the boy feel very indignant.

"Alias 45, Samuel, known as Sammy, a major lady-killer in New York who had to run for his hide after seducing a local gang leader's woman; Th' ol' geezer was pissed after that lil' mishap, but damn it was worth it…" Lavi's smirked widened just a bit, before he came back to his current personality, and released his hold on Satoru's leg, bringing the boy upright again. Like that mafia boss' gal, even though Lavi knew he'd have gotten his ass handed to him if Yuu had witnessed that whole scene, it was completely worth it to see that damnably adorable expression of the younger boy's face.

"But I digress," Lavi said, transitioning into the foxtrot. "My point is that I am actually a very good source to get all sorts of love advice from, I just don't show it. Lesson one: When asking anyone to do go anywhere with ya, date or not, be sure to ask and not demand, okay?" Lavi took a few more steps before stopping and releasing Satoru completely with the exception of his hand. He dropped to one knee and lightly brushed his lips against the back of the boy's thin hand, looking up at Satoru all the while to see his reaction.

'_Oh my goodness my hand was just kissed by another man… Washroom, where's the nearest washroom…?'_ Satoru was positive that all the blood in his body was currently in his head, which felt ready to burst. He really should've just stepped on Lavi's feet at the beginning and run away, because now he was flustered and indignant and a whole mess of things that he couldn't quite place.

"Now," Lavi murmured; his lips were no longer in direct contact with Satoru's skin but he could still feel his breath on the back of his hand, "won't you ask me to accompany you to town nicely, Satoru?" Between that one large green eye staring up at him like that and the way Lavi had said his full name, it was hard to sort through his thoughts enough to form a coherent reply. For a moment, Satoru could not get himself to speak no matter how much he moved his jaw. But then he remembered that he was definitely supposed to feel angry or degraded because he'd just been handled like a woman, and suddenly his answer came much easier to him.

"Yeah…Special cake isn't worth the trouble; I'll just go ask Jerry for some to go with my supper…" Satoru said, and turned away to walk down the hall. He could feel himself breaking out in goose bumps; ugh, he'd just taken the woman's role in a dance with _Lavi_ of all people, and then just stood there and let the guy kiss his hand! How… Well, awkward, now that he thought about it the entire exchange had been very awkward. Cake definitely wasn't worth the trouble, and there was very little that Satoru could honestly say that about.

Lavi's jaw dropped for a moment; damn, and he'd thought Satoru had been close to his breaking point too. Not that Lavi was really after the kid; flirting with Satoru was probably going to be more dangerous that flirting with Lenalee in a few weeks' time. Besides, the last thing he needed was to fall for someone, of have someone fall for him; the old panda would kill him for sure this time.

"No fair Sat-chan, you're suppose t' be a good boy and politely ask me to buy your cake!" Lavi complained with a huff. Satoru rolled his eyes, and stuck his tongue out at Lavi over his shoulder.

"If you never do something like that ever again, I might deign to let you come with me to town sometime," Satoru said, and made his way down the hall.

"Do what?" Lavi asked, though he had a pretty good idea of what Satoru meant. He caught up with the younger boy and walked with him to the dining room.

"That entire thing, just never again… You know what? On second thought, you must stay at least three feet away from me until I say otherwise, so back it up buddy."

000

Lenalee was tired after coming home from an extended mission. She was getting a lot of those as of late, seeing as Allen had been out of commission for so long and Bookman was keeping Lavi close to headquarters. Having three exorcists at home instead of on the battlefield really did make a difference, when there were only a handful of them already.

But tired girls who do good jobs on their missions and pass in their reports right away get treated to wonderful desserts with their dinner that somehow seemed to surpass Jeryy's usual. Whether it was because the man was purposely trying to make those welcome home meals taste better, or they just did because it had been so long since she'd tasted his cooking, Lenalee did not know.

This welcome home dinner was a bit more interesting that she expected though. She noticed it when she sat at her usual table with her three closest friends, plus her newest one. After she was greeted with the usual chorus of "Welcome back!" and sat down, she realized that the air about the table felt very awkward. It wasn't even a bad kind of awkward, it was awkward in that I-just-confessed-to-my-best-friend sort of way, which was cute, considering who she was sitting with.

"So, anything interesting happen while I was gone?" She asked, looking around the table as a devious smile tugged at her lips. The rush of mumbled denials she got as a reply were more than enough to let her know that something had indeed happened.

"Oh, so it was just another uneventful week, hm? Doesn't seem that way," Lenalee commented. Three out of four boys' shoulders shot up to their ears as if hiding their faces from her would make her notice their behavior less. Only Lavi managed to smile a somewhat forced smile and wave off her insinuation.

"Naw, nothin' big happened. Just the usual mishaps 'ere and there," he said, and he was so convincing with his nonchalant tone and words that for a moment the other three boys thought Lenalee would actually believe him. Of course, they didn't really have that sort of luck.

"You all realize that I will definitely find out eventually, right?" She asked. Satoru banged his head on the table, knowing that she spoke the truth. Allen awkwardly laughed off the question as though it was a joke, while Kanda cursed colorfully under his breath. Lavi, who probably should've felt more awkward than anyone else in this situation, had already started up a new conversation with Lenalee between bites of his food. It was an exceptionally normal ending to such an abnormal day.

**No uber-long chapter this time 'round, sorry ;-; Gosh, thinking up this chapter got Saya through more than a few bad days this week, it was so fun! Poor Allen and Lavi, both are going to have to deal with quite a bit of UST, if they haven't already…wait for it, in the next installment of BWWW! (well, maybe not the **_**next**_** one…)**


	76. Bonding Time

**Ah…for some reason, this chapter was like….difficult D: What the hey? It's getting harder to write Yullen….o-o Saya personally blames this on two things: LaviYuu and LinkLen. In any case! To the chapter! **

**rated M over all for, rape, violence, and the occasional swearing. This chapter is rated what it's rated 'cause it's rated.**

**76.** Bonding Time

It was a bit strange, leaving the tower dressed as a civilian, wearing Mugen as more of an accessory rather than the precaution that it was. Kanda was too paranoid on his own to ever really leave the castle grounds without a work-related reason, so this was strange to him. He felt almost naked being out of the tower without his exorcist coat on-- bare and unprotected, which was strange considering it was that very coat that drew his enemies to him.

At his side walked Satoru, who seemed to feel much more comfortable being outside of the tower than Yuu did. Actually, he seemed more comfortable outside of the tower than he had inside of it, which at first Kanda couldn't understand in the least. He got it after a moment of thinking though; it was probably uncomfortable to live with one's natural enemies.

Satoru had decided to ask his brother along with him to go to town this time; he was pretty sure it would be about a year before he even thought to ask Lavi again. Why he'd even thought to ask that rabbit brat before he asked Yuu-nii was beyond him. Yuu was better company, definitely. And oh, he'd definitely have to ask Allen along sometime once his leg was healed; the cursed boy would just love to visit that little pastry shop.

While Satoru moved on completely unaware of Yuu's impending paranoia attack (what if he was walking amongst akuma? Akuma that wouldn't even show themselves to him because he was out of uniform? What if someone else was attacked first? Damn civilian clothes!), the older Kanda scanned the thin crowds around them and noticed something odd. Not odd in such a way that would hint to akuma being present, but odd in a way that was unnerving for an entirely different reason.

People were staring. What was wrong with them? Had they never seen two brothers walk down a street before? It took Kanda a while to get passed his denial and realize the fact that they were staring at his little brother (and himself, he begrudgingly admitted) with admiration. Kanda didn't usually notice these stares, well he did but he usually ignored them. He found that now though he couldn't ignore them, probably because they were also staring at his very pretty and androgynous little brother. His big brother senses were tingling.

Deciding that Satoru's happiness was top priority, Kanda feigned obliviousness while secretly shooting passersby glares whenever one stared too long.

"So, where is it you wanted to go, anyway?" Kanda asked, wondering if Satoru had any specific destination in mind.

"Well, I haven't really been around the town much, so I don't really know many places. I'd be happy to just walk around all day though!" Satoru smiled happily, as though they were going to do something amazing and exciting. Yuu found himself smiling back despite himself. He was pretty sure this was the first time he'd seen Satoru so happy since he'd entered the tower.

"That's fine with me."

000

There was too much time on his hands as of late, especially since Allen wasn't allowed to go on missions. He'd had enough of rotting in the Order's castle, he felt a bit caged here, restless. Still, he was trapped in a loving cage by his close friends who just didn't want to see him hurt so soon, so he supposed he could live with being trapped at least until his leg healed.

Oh, and as soon as his innocence started working for him again, too.

He was making progress as far as physical conditioning went; his body had remembered its old strength and was building itself up again to match it, to surpass it. Of course, even Allen couldn't train all day, he had to take a break. It was during one of the breaks that he decided his room could really use a cleaning because he didn't know how many more times he could wake up to that creepy cross and the chain and collar on his wall and still be sane. He thought it was regrettable that he couldn't shove the wrapped coffin in any of his trunks, or his nonexistent closet.

"Gotta say this room does fit you a bit better now that you've got all that S&M stuff off yer wall."

"Ah!" Allen jumped in surprise at the new voice in his room, nearly loosing his balance. Lavi caught him, worried that his friend really would fall and hurt himself. Allen looked over his shoulder at Lavi with a pout.

"When did you come in? Have you ever considered knocking? And how on earth do you just pop out of places all the time? You've been doing that since we first met!" Allen ranted on indignantly, and Lavi just smiled with a touched of awkwardness as he put Allen down on his bed.

"And I highly doubt that stuff was used for _S&M_," Allen finished up after a while. Lavi had no idea that Allen could carry on like that. The redhead found himself chuckling at it.

"Well aren't you in a swell mood?" Lavi commented, and laughed a little more at Allen's slightly embarrassed reaction.

"Uh, sorry, just been a bit stressed lately. I suppose it's not fair of me to take it out on you," Allen apologized, because it really wasn't fair of him to get upset at Lavi over his own problems, his own weaknesses.

"No worries Moyashi-chan, anyone would be on edge after bein' stuck in one place for so long," Lavi said dismissively. He didn't mind if Allen got a bit snappy, the kid had plenty of reasons to be so much worse, after all. Besides, it was so impossible to really get angry at this new Allen. It was strange how easy it was to think of the current Allen as different from the old one, because when it came down to how they acted, there weren't too many differences. The new Allen had a slightly wider range of emotions, but Lavi felt that it was probably the sincerity behind all of them, which the old Allen had so obviously been lacking, that made him so precious now.

Damn it, the kid was making Lavi fall for him all over again.

Lavi steered his mind clear of that train of thought, there was no point in letting those old emotions resurface. He was trying to use this opportunity to drown out all of his feelings, not revive them.

"It is sort of annoying, being trapped on this one floor of the tower all the time… I wish I could at least go to the training grounds." Lavi shot Allen a look that clearly said no one wanted him training while recovering, and in response Allen rolled his eyes. "Not to train, just to…watch, or something. I mean, I can only eat so much before I get bored with the cafeteria. Not to say Jerry's gossip isn't just _riveting_…"

Lavi chuckled at that, knowing that Allen had spent a good deal of his time in confinement listening to Jerry go on about everything that happened in the Order's headquarters. Jerry had some pretty interesting stories, but Lavi didn't imagine that Allen was really into those sorts of tales. Then again, who knew what Allen liked anymore? The kid was like a jigsaw puzzle; just when Lavi starts congratulating himself on finding two pieces that fit together, he looks around and is reminded of the thousands that he's unsure of.

"Well, maybe we can find a way to get ya down there sometime, so you don't get it in your head to make any further attempts at cleaning this room."

"What's so wrong with wanting to clean?" Allen huffed, looking confused.

"Nothin' wrong with that in and of itself, it's just….ya see… I mean, you've seen half of the crazy stuff in this room, and that was just the junk that was in the open. Imagine what you'll find hidden 'round the place." Lavi was thinking something along the lines of shackles to go with that collar that had once hung from the wall, and maybe some other strange things of that sort. Allen was thinking along the lines of bioweapons and potions that would explode when he touched them. Both shivered unpleasantly.

"Right, I think I'll just stick to clearing out what I'm sure won't kill me… I won't explore under the bed just yet." Another round of chuckles came that Lavi just couldn't turn into full-out laughter at the moment. Allen didn't seem to be able to do much in the way of humor either. They didn't feel particularly awkward or tense; on the contrary it was like they were too mellow to bother using any energy on laughing.

Allen gave a happy little sigh, and plopped down at the head of his bed, leaning back on the wall with his legs dangling over the side.

"It's been a long while since we've had a chance to talk one-on-one, ever since I've been back I've rarely been left alone with any one person. I miss being able to talk to you."

Ouch, another blow to Lavi's resolve. He didn't understand why this kept popping up; lately Lavi had been feeling pretty confident about his ability to leave this whole one-sided affair behind. Then again Allen made a good point; they hadn't really been alone together since Allen was brought back so Lavi couldn't be so sure of his internal state. Still, he didn't see why his heart clung so steadfast to life like this; it was getting on his nerves.

"Yeah, I sorta miss it m'self," Lavi conceded to the truth in that statement, but internally added that he rather resented himself for that. He was so stupid for letting this get to him. How many times had he said he was just going to give up the ghost? How many times had he failed to do so? Why was he such a failure of a bookman…? To have this damned heart that just kept coming back to him no matter what he did to kill it or hide it away? He hated it, what did he get out of having this heart anyway?

"_I like this Lavi, who is a failure, and who feels things like compassion and love."_

Lavi wasn't sure why he remembered those words at this time, but something about them made him feel better. Satoru knew to some unclear extent things about Lavi that the others didn't. He knew the things that would usually push people away. He also knew Lavi was a failure and he'd said he liked that with a smile on his face. Remembering that made Lavi feel a little more content with being a failure.

"So, how are things going for you, anyway? If you're stressed there's gotta be a reason—a bigger one that being trapped like a princess in a tower. Anything you wanna say, Moyashi-chan?"

"Ah…" For a moment Allen had been tempted to tell Lavi not to call him that, the redhead a done it earlier too but Allen had been a little preoccupied and hadn't cared. The thing was that Allen didn't actually mind being called that anymore. The old Allen hadn't wanted to let anyone too close, and things like nicknames seemed too personal, he naturally pushed them away. Now he sort of liked the feeling of closeness the simple (if not somewhat derogative) word brought.

"Um, well, I suppose at the moment my biggest worry is my innocence. You already know how it's not working… I guess I just want to hurry it up, you know. I mean, being healed won't do me any good if I'm useless on the battlefield."

Lavi would've liked to have objected to that, say that being completely healthy was a good thing in and of itself, but he knew Allen wouldn't see it that way. Allen was nothing if not completely unaware of his own wellbeing; that had never changed.

"Well, I'll just be glad to see you back on your own two feet. Man, broken bones are the worst; they take too long to heal."

"You can say that again…" Allen blew a strand of hair out of his face, watching it float up for a moment before it came back down in an even more troublesome place. He healed faster than most people because of his innocence usually, but since it wasn't working, it wasn't really helping him out any either. Still, he supposed that his broken leg gave him an excuse to not try and use his innocence around other people. He didn't want to make it obvious just how worthless he currently was. Allen was just too afraid of being useless, he couldn't get over it.

"I'm just taking a shot in the dark here, Allen, because I'm not a parasitic-type, but maybe you're going about unlocking your innocence the wrong way?" Lavi said. He knew how badly not having his innocence was affecting Allen, it was written plainly on the younger boy's face.

"What do you mean, going about it the wrong way?" Allen tilted his head to the side, confusion swimming in his eyes.

"Well, parasitic accommodators use their emotions to manipulate their innocence, right? What are you focusing on as you try to invocate? Is it the same things you focused on before you lost your weapon?"

"I…I've been focusing on getting back on the battlefield. I don't want to be stuck here anymore; I don't want to be useless…" More than anything Allen hated having to admit that aloud.

"Why do you want to be back on the battlefield? Who do you want to be of use to? I think those are the questions you've really gotta ask yourself. You're not digging deep enough here, so you're innocence isn't responding. At least, that's what I think, I could totally be wrong."

"Ah…" Allen didn't know what to think of that. Lavi was right, he was completely right. Well it seemed that way, at least. Everything he said sure sounded right.

For a moment Allen pondered over his answers to the questions Lavi's posed. He wanted to be able to fight again so that he could support his friends, so that he could protect them. He wanted to take revenge against the Noah and the Earl for turning him into something so twisted. He wanted to save the akuma from themselves. He wanted to protect their victims. There were so many reasons to be back on the front lines, he couldn't begin to articulate all of them. Still, having these answers gave him a glimmer of hope, and even better than that they gave him a shiver of power, courtesy of his innocence.

Feeling excessively grateful to Lavi, Allen flashed him a beautifully sincere smile.

000

Satoru noticed that Yuu looked very tense, sitting across from him at a nice family restaurant that they'd found while walking around. It was as though he expected something to come out and attack him any minute, and when Satoru thought about it he probably did. The years he'd spent in the Order had not been kind to Yuu, it seemed. They'd instilled in him an over-developed sense of paranoia and misanthropy.

"Ah…Yuu-nii, are you okay? You look fidgety."

"I'm… not used to being out of the tower like this," Kanda admitted after a moment of hesitation, "I usually only bother to leave for missions, so I'm always in my uniform. Being down here in civilian clothes is…awkward."

"Oh, you should've worn it then, if it would've made you feel more comfortable," Satoru said, his brow creasing a bit as he thought over why Yuu hadn't worn it. It was a bit weird, seeing his brother dressed in something that wasn't his uniform or a simple white shirt, black slacks combination. He was actually still in the same type of pants he usually wore, but instead of a casual white button-up, Yuu was in a fairly thick beige sweater and the scarf he'd stolen from Lavi on the way out of the tower as an after-thought.

"Wouldn't it defeat the purpose of taking a day off to relax if I brought my work with me?" Kanda asked in response to Satoru's comment. Akuma were everywhere, he couldn't see them the way Allen could but they definitely were. If he wore his exorcist uniform that would stand as a challenge to them and they would reveal themselves, causing a scene. The last thing Kanda wanted to do was put his brother in danger or ruin Satoru's day out.

"But I imagine you must feel like a soldier who's gone to battle without armor; unprotected."

"Unprotected and blind is more like it," Kanda corrected with a bit of a huff.

"Blind? How so?"

"Well…It's complicated," Kanda said, not really sure how to explain it, "I'm not like Allen, who can see the souls of the akuma, so the only way I can ever tell if someone is an akuma is if they reveal themselves to me by attacking. If they don't attack then I'm blind to them. If I don't provoke them then they won't attack. The coat is provocation, and as long as an akuma is focused on attacking me, it won't seek out anyone else. I can kill it before it kills anyone else."

"Oh. But then…shouldn't you feel safer when you aren't wearing it? I mean, as long as the akuma don't know what you are, they probably won't bother with you," Satoru said, not quite understanding what was so unnerving about _not_ being a human lure for once.

"It's not my safety I have to be concerned about; I won't die if I get shot by an akuma, but average civilians will. It's my duty to protect them, not myself."

"Wow…Nii-sama is so cool…" Satoru said with a wistful sigh and admiration in his eyes. He was so proud of his older brother; it was like he was related to a super hero or something. Sometimes Satoru couldn't help but idolize him a little bit.

"Oh please…" Kanda rolled his eyes and tried not to look as embarrassed as he felt.

"Speaking of Allen, Yuu-nii…" Satoru said suddenly.

"We weren't talking about him," Kanda responded, looking at Satoru curiously.

"But you said that thing about him seeing the souls of akuma," Satoru pointed out.

"That was just an example though; we weren't actually talking about him."

"We are now though, so as I was saying…" Satoru focused his eyes on the cup of tea in his hands, trying not to look too embarrassed about what he was going to ask. He was just too curious, and he was a bit concerned, too. This conversation had to happen sometime, it might as well be now!

"It's come to my attention that… You seem to have feelings of the romantic persuasion toward Allen…"

'_Oh goodness,'_ Kanda thought,_ 'Feelings of the romantic persuasion? Who taught him such awkward phrases?'_ Yuu could hardly believe that they were going to talk about this at all. The very idea made him want to squirm in his seat more than he already was.

"So, I feel it's important to ask what your… ahem…intentions are for Allen."

It was difficult for the two brothers to look at each other, so Satoru focused on the sugar that was slowly soaking in his tea, which could hardly be called a liquid at this point, it was mostly sugar. Kanda stirred his coffee, which he didn't have any intention to really drink. A long moment of silence passed between the awkward two.

"I just want to protect him," Yuu answered after much deliberation. Satoru looked up at him, a bit surprised; that was a very decidedly platonic answer. It wasn't as though he thought his brother was a raging pervert (Lavi had that covered), but he had figured that Yuu would want something more.

"Do you think he needs protection?" Satoru asked his expression serious. If Yuu was going to be honest, then he would do his best to listen seriously.

"You saw what happened to him, of course he needs protection!" Kanda said, it was so obvious to him that he couldn't imagine Satoru not realizing that. No one else could be trusted to protect Allen, no one could do that job right except for him. "I don't know _why_ the Earl and the Noah hate him so much, but I know that next time they attack him, they'll probably just kill him. I don't understand why they played all of those disgusting games with him in the first place, anyway." They'd probably done it because just killing him right off the bat would've been too merciful for those sick bastards.

"What will you do if Allen doesn't want protection?"

Kanda huffed as though the question was stupid. "Che, I'll do it anyway, it's not like I'm going to ask for permission to." Satoru sighed and shook his head. He wondered if Allen would really appreciate being protected, though he was sure the white haired teen would at least understand it.

"One more question," Satoru said, holding up one finger for emphasis. Kanda nodded in acknowledgment and the younger boy continued. "Don't you want anything else? That can't really be all you want."

"I…" Of course Kanda _wanted_ more, but he could never ask for any of it. He couldn't ask for any of the selfish things he wanted, he didn't deserve any of them. A normal relationship, reciprocated feelings, even just an occasional smile, he deserved none of it. "I want more, but that is all I have any right to."

000

"So, speaking of Yuu-chan."

"We weren't talking about Kanda."

"Why no, we weren't, but I'm glad you brought him up Allen," Lavi said with a bit of a grin. Allen sighed at Lavi's roundabout way of bringing up the topic; it was so like him…

"What was it you wanted to ask?"

"I was just curious as to how things are going in that area of your life. I imagine ya must be stressing about that at least a little." Lavi was indeed curious about this. Allen and Kanda seemed to be on two completely different wavelengths when it came to this subject, though they were slowly coming together. Clearly there was some mutual attraction, but Kanda didn't seem to think he deserved anything like that. Just how did Allen feel about it?

"Ah…He's as difficult as ever. I don't get why he can't just get over everything that happened! Honestly, _I'm_ over it and he isn't."

"Are ya really though, Allen? Or are you just… I dunno, desensitized to it or something…? There's a difference." Lavi was skeptical of this progress. Allen didn't seem particularly happy with his situation a year ago, and sure things had been looking up but then he'd gotten taken away so violently… Perhaps Allen was just thinking "Well, in comparison to _that_, what Kanda did was nothing."

"I'm over it," Allen said flatly, "Honestly… I've forgiven him, but he won't forgive himself and that really gets in the way. I mean, while I was… not here, I realized that if I had really hated what Kanda had done to me, I would've killed him. If there's anything I remember about that time, it's all the murders I planned in my head. If I had been able to I would've. But I never did think that way when it was Kanda… never really said no either…" Allen's voice tapered off from there, as if he was embarrassed to have said that aloud.

Lavi sort of wished he hadn't just heard that. That was just a bit too personal; he really hadn't needed to hear that. Still, he supposed it was nice to hear that Allen hadn't been completely unwilling with Kanda. Of course, the dark little insight into Allen's mind had been a bit unwelcome, too, but he supposed that it was just part of the truth. He could understand feeling murderous during a time like that anyway. He remembered feeling quite violent himself.

"Well, you've got to look at things from Yuu-chan's point of view," Lavi said, tactfully changing the subject just so, "I mean, to him, he's disgraced the person he cares about most in the most disgusting way possible. To someone who puts so much importance in things like honor, he's done something unforgivable. And honestly, most people would agree with him there. You're a saint, so it's not so surprising that you've forgiven him, but it probably seems a little too good to be true to him. I imagine he doesn't think he deserves your forgiveness at all."

Allen pouted, but said nothing. Lavi was right, Allen was just thinking of things from his own perspective and things probably seemed a great deal worse from Kanda's. Kanda wasn't in his head, after all, he had no idea just how Allen could come to forgive him as he had. Still, understanding Kanda's position didn't make having to wait for him any easier.

"Hmph… I get what you're saying, Lavi. I'm not a patient person, but I'll wait if I have to. Even so, he'd better hurry and shape up!"

"'Cause you need a man…" Lavi muttered with a roll of the eye. Allen blushed, opened his mouth to reply, but said nothing in the end. He didn't need a man, he _wanted _Kanda, but that would be excessively embarrassing to say. In the end, he changed the subject completely by telling Lavi he was going to get lunch.

**Ah…Kanda and Allen are totally on different wavelengths here, it's going to be fun trying to get them back on the right track. That's all Saya has to say, really… Sorry for the late chapter? **


	77. Goal

**Ah…So Saya went back over her vacation and edited all of the previous chapters of this story. She realized two things; one, her grammar was a tragedy and two the plot was very thin… So she went back, fixed up the spelling and grammar so that it no longer makes her want to cry. She also tweaked some things to give the Noah's actions against Allen a bit more reason. Recent chapters of DGM really came in handy here. She didn't change anything so much that you'd need to go back and reread it, but just know that Saya decided to add hints of Allen's Noah-ness to previous chapters, and that**_** will**_** come into play eventually.**

**Rated: M 'cause that's just what the story's rated. Lately the chapters have been very tame though…this one's probably another K/T chappie.**

**77.** Goal

Kanda held Mugen in a tight grip as he walked back down the street with Satoru. Nothing was wrong at all, no akuma were jumping out to attack him and the only Noah around was his brother, so it wasn't like he had to worry about being attacked. That was the problem though, Kanda felt like something should be happening, something always happened. He felt as though something was stopping him from seeing any disturbances in the crowd, like if he just took this imaginary veil away from his eyes he'd suddenly be able to see chaos again. It was like being forced into ignorance.

"Yuu-nii, are you still feeling tense because of the uniform thing?" Satoru asked, observing how tightly his brother's hand wrapped around the hilt of his sword. It was unfair that Kanda couldn't even leave his uniform at home for a day without suffering from paranoia. Satoru wasn't sure if he should blame the Order for making those uniforms or if he should blame the Earl for making the akuma that had made those uniforms necessary. In the end he decided it was more logical to blame the Earl; the uniform was just a necessary evil.

Kanda sighed heavily, letting a bit of tension out of his system. He was trying his hardest to not look as high-strung as he felt, but it seemed he wasn't good at hiding such things. He wasn't used to feeling this sort of paranoia.

"I'm trying not to be. I guess the only way to really get over this is to go out more often," Kanda said, always one to face his fears. Well, almost always.

"Nii-san…If you really want to know…if there are akuma in the area, I could… check," Satoru mumbled, worried about what his brother's reaction to this statement would be. It would be a simple task for Satoru to call out any akuma in the area and make them come to him; he'd just have to exercise his Noah abilities a little. Yuu probably wouldn't like him using his abilities though, and perhaps his brother might even become a bit wary of him?

Kanda's expression was confused for a moment before he realized what Satoru was talking about. There was a second of temptation; his brother could take the veil from his eyes for the time being. Then there was an equally short second of passing fear; what would happen if in that one moment the Noah took over? What if Satoru wanted to use his powers? Finally he felt cool logic wash over him as he realized he couldn't let Satoru mess with his powers, if he did and the higher-ups found out they'd consider him too dangerous to let him run free like he did.

"It'd be best if you didn't, Satoru," Kanda said shaking his head slowly, "If anyone found out that you used your powers, even if it is to help me, they'd get suspicious of you. Trust me the last thing you want is the Grand Generals breathing down your neck."

"Oh, right. Sorry for making a stupid suggestion," Satoru apologized, feeling embarrassed. He'd been so concerned about his brother that he'd forgotten about his own circumstances for a moment. He didn't want to be taken from his brother and his new friends over something stupid like this.

"No, it wasn't stupid. I just feel bad for worrying you into thinking you'd need to; what kind of big brother does that?" Satoru wanted to say that Yuu had done nothing wrong and was a great older brother, but he knew Kanda would only get embarrassed if he said such things. Besides, Kanda knew what Satoru thought of him anyway without being told.

Even though Yuu had told him not to mess with his Noah powers, Satoru was finding it very difficult not to. Now that he knew he could help his older brother some he really wanted to make any nearby akuma show themselves. Then again maybe it wasn't so much that he wanted to help anyone as much as he just wanted to test out his abilities, they drew him in like a flame does moths. He knew they were dangerous, they'd get him killed but something desperately made him want to try.

Despite himself, Satoru found himself thinking that it was a shame he'd suggested it out loud; now if he called up any akuma Yuu would know he was messing around with his powers.

000

Lavi shivered a bit while eating lunch, his neck felt oddly bare. Usually on days like this he'd keep his scarf tied on tightly, but darn that jerk Yuu just had to take it on his way out the door. What the hell was he, a coat wrack?

"Lavi, if you're so cold you should just go back to your room and get another scarf; it's not like you don't have a collection of them in your closet," Allen somehow managed to say between bites of food. Amazingly enough he wasn't inhaling his food. Allen still perfectly planned to eat as much as usual, it was just that at this point in time he didn't have much to do with himself so he was trying to drag out everything he did.

"But if I go back to my room, the ol' panda will drag me off to the library and make me work all day! He's just laying in wait there for me, I can feel it!" Lavi looked like he was truly frightened of the idea of work. Allen, who had done more than his fair share of work while under his own master, was not sympathetic in the least. If he could live through a day with Cross Marian then Lavi could live through a day in the library. Allen only wished he could've spent days cooped up in a library while working for Cross.

Sighing, Allen decided there was nothing to be done for it.

"I'd offer you my coat but I'm pretty sure it's too small," Allen said with a shrug. He always ran a bit high, so he wasn't actually all that cold at the moment. It felt almost a bit stifling to be in his coat right now.

"I'd be happy to relieve you of it anyway," Lavi said as another shudder went through him. He thought about it for a moment and realized that Allen's coat, with its narrow shoulder width and skinny sleeves wouldn't fit him at all. He probably wouldn't even be able to successfully drape it over his shoulders. A sigh escaped the cold apprentice's lips.

000

Kanda felt more and more relieved the closer he and Satoru got to the tower. Now that he wasn't surrounded by crowds he was a lot less tense. Satoru seemed a bit put out by something, but Kanda was afraid to think of a reason, and even more afraid to ask. He didn't want to know if Satoru was tempted to take advantage of his Noah side, but at the same time he didn't want to just see one part of his brother and ignore what he didn't like. He was tired of being so narrow-minded.

It was bizarre to Kanda to feel so thankful for the tower, it seemed ridiculous to him that he'd be put so on-edge just because he was outside. He resolved to definitely keep going back down to the town until he was confident that he had stopped feeling more paranoid than usual.

Yuu had only just stepped onto the docks when a finder ran to him and stopped a few feet away.

"Sir Kanda, you've been called up to Sir Komui's office for a mission briefing," the finder said, before scurrying away just as quickly as he'd come. Satoru blinked a few times before understanding that Yuu was going to have to go away from some uncertain period of time. He pouted a bit; he didn't want his brother to go.

Despite that, the two of them made their way up to Komui's office in which Lavi was waiting. Kanda immediately let out a little huff of annoyance.

"So I'm sharing a mission with the rabbit?" he asked with a mock-scornful voice. He didn't really hate Lavi after all; he was just determined to sound like he did. The redhead gave him a shit-eating grin and nodded.

"Yup, you get to 'ave me all to yourself for a few weeks. Aren't ya just so thrilled?"

Kanda twitched. Satoru blanched. Lavi gave a good-natured laugh at their reactions.

"Please read these packets thoroughly," Komui said, handing the thick booklets over the counter, "The Noah have been particularly active lately, so expect to run into at least one. Apparently Bookman recently found a previously unknown tome on the enemy that had extensive information on them. We've put that information into the handout, hoping that it might prove useful."

The three teenagers all made different expressions at this. Lavi had already been told about all the information Allen had let slip so long ago, the only thing Bookman hadn't told him was the one thing Allen had asked him not to, and the one thing Lavi was truly curious about; how Allen had come to know all of this in the first place. He gave Bookman a look, as though asking, "So that's the cover-up story?" Bookman just gave a small, barely perceptible nod.

Satoru's eyes narrowed in confusion. Information on the Noah had suddenly become available? But the only two people in the Order who really knew anything on the Noah that was worth knowing were himself and Allen. Satoru hadn't said anything so Allen must've. But how could Allen give away such information without giving rise to suspicion? Satoru had a reason to know about the Noah, he was one of them, but Allen didn't have a reason that wasn't positively incriminating.

Yuu raised an eyebrow when he heard the excuse and gave a quiet scoff. "A lost tome, was it?" he muttered, flipping through the packet, "If you say so." Both the Bookman and Lavi cut their eyes at Kanda. Though his tone indicated only indifference, they could tell that he knew where they'd gotten this information. And worse, Bookman could tell that Kanda knew why Allen knew these things. Kanda knew more than both Bookman and Lavi combined, and that was oddly annoying. Bookman looked to Komui, wondering about his reaction.

The supervisor rolled his eyes at the teens, judging from their reactions it was clear as day that they all knew where this information had come from. "Okay, I get it; you all know where it really came from! Just please you three, don't leak it. As far as the higher-ups know, this was all really found in a lost text. We can't have them knowing where it really came from or Allen will be in danger."

Well, that sobered up the room. Lavi had been too busy wondering on why Allen knew so much about the Noah to think about what would happen to Allen if it was discovered he was the source of this knowledge. Satoru realized that he was right to wonder how Allen had managed to escape suspicion-he hadn't, it was just Komui and Bookman that protected him. Kanda wondered why the hell Allen had said anything when he knew it would place him under suspicion. The three nodded quietly and the debriefing continued.

000

"Why on God's green earth did you do something so stupid, Moyashi?" Kanda barged into Allen's room without invitation to, he hadn't even knocked. So Allen was startled right out of his catnap and fell out of bed. Kanda was a bit annoyed with Allen at the moment, so he wasn't really worried about Allen being afraid of him or anything. No, at the moment he was too concerned for Allen's safety to worry about such things.

"Ugh…BaKanda, knock first," Allen grumbled out as he got to his knees and then crawled back into bed. He'd been hit with the urge to sleep about an hour prior to now and had gone with it. He'd been doing a pretty good job of sleeping dreamlessly, how dare Kanda interrupt him.

"Just answer the question."

"What'd I do this time, ya jerk?" As annoyed as Allen was with being woken up like this, he had to admit that this feeling was oddly reminiscent of better days. It made him feel almost light, despite his annoyance. If Kanda was getting angry at him and calling him Moyashi like it was a _bad _thing and not an awkward term of endearment, then things had to be getting better.

"You told Komui and Bookman about the Noah."

Allen blinked a few times; he didn't see how that was so stupid. Satoru was spared from experimentation and Komui and Bookman were covering up the fact that he knew all of that stuff, so what was the problem?

"I don't get it, what's so bad about that?" Allen rolled off of his back onto his stomach; this new position was just as uncomfortable as the first one. The white-haired boy ignored that for the time being and just focused on looking up at Kanda. He was a bit indignant because he didn't see any reason for Kanda to be upset, but even that feeling was comforting and familiar like an old dream.

"What's so bad? What isn't bad about that? Bookman isn't stupid, he's probably figured out to some extent why you know what you do. And as hard as it is to believe, Komui isn't really that much of an idiot. He's probably got his own suspicions about you now. Actually it's really obvious that he does. You do realize that it's just those two and a flimsy excuse that's preventing Central from opening up a full-blown investigation on you?!"

Kanda couldn't understand how Allen could be so calm. Sure, Central didn't bother their headquarters too much because Komui seemed to have everything under control, but if they caught wind of Allen's affiliation with the Noahs, if even one rumor made it to their ears… Allen was as good as done for.

"Well, Bookman already knows the real reason, I decided to give him a vague explanation about it after Komui left the hospital room," Allen said in a most flippant manner. Kanda's jaw dropped at this; Allen had told the old man about his past? Did that mean that Lavi knew? Or that he would know soon enough? This secret was already getting out at an unsettling pace.

"And I know Komui is suspicious, but he's got enough faith in me to not jump to conclusions. He actually came to me once just before I left the hospital wing for good and told me himself that he was suspicious. I explained as best as I could that I'm not a threat without telling him about my situation. The two of us are the ones who made up the whole "lost book" thing. It's not actually such a bad story you know. To you it's obviously fake because you already knew where the information came from, but to people who don't know it's perfectly acceptable."

Kanda had to admit that was true. He'd known where the new information had come from the moment he heard there was any. Kanda also knew much more about Allen's past and the boy in general than anyone else did, so he knew the white-haired boy had information to give. Satoru knew about Allen to some extent too, so he'd naturally realized where the information had come from. Depending on how much Bookman had told Lavi, the redhead was either in the same boat as Komui or knew as much as Bookman did.

So a small group of people who could be trusted to keep their mouths shut knew. Bookmen were well-versed in secret-keeping. Komui cared far too much about the exorcists to let Allen be investigated unless he became a legitimate threat. Kanda didn't talk to people in general and Satoru could also be trusted to keep secrets.

So to anyone else, to anyone who had no idea about Allen, this lost book excuse was perfectly acceptable. Everyone knew the control room was a disaster area and everyone also knew that the bookman clan had millions of books in other secret locations. Bookman had gone out recently, no doubt he'd done it to make this story more believable, and he'd come back with quite the assortment of books. No one would doubt him if he said one of them was a missing tome on the Noah family.

Still, just because the coast seemed clear didn't mean that a storm wasn't forming just beyond the horizon.

"What happens when someone slips up?" Kanda asked, his expression somber, "It only takes one rumor, just one scientist over-hearing Komui or Bookman while they talk in the office, and then everyone would start talking. It'd get to Central soon enough, and then where would you be? People disappear from here when rumors like that start. I've been here long enough to see it happen."

"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it," Allen said immediately, as if that was the most natural response to his impending doom. It was like he didn't_ get_ that he could be killed by the very people he wanted to help.

Kanda let out a big sigh; this had little to do with his original question anyway.

"Just answer my question; why'd you do it?"

"You mean to say that's not obvious?" Allen asked with a bit of a snort, "I'd have thought you'd be the first to get it. If you were in my position, wouldn't you do anything you could to stop the jerks at Central from getting their hands on Satoru?"

Kanda blinked for a moment before really comprehending Allen's reason. He was protecting Satoru? Well Kanda couldn't argue with that reason but he still felt that there must've been a better way to do things. He could have just dropped some hints here and there, he could have made it seem as though it was all just casually gathered information. There hadn't been any need to just admit to everything he knew all at once, doing that just made the suspicion center around him that much quicker.

"You couldn't have been a bit more discreet with it, either?" Kanda asked with a resigned exhalation; no use crying over spilt milk.

"Well not really. I mean the more they know, the less curious they'll be, right? I figure what I told Komui will stop Central's curiosity for a good long while. They're going to want to analyze everything and then theorize and so on. Hopefully it'll take a while, because then we can try to find Satoru somewhere to live that isn't this tower. Things will get much more difficult for Central if Satoru isn't living here anymore."

"You seem to have thought this out-"

"-Of course I did-"

"-But where will he go if he's not here?"

"Anywhere is safer than here really," Allen said, "He could go down to the town and live there. We could easily visit him any time we're going out for a mission or just at our leisure so he wouldn't be alone. When being so close to the Order gets dangerous, he can travel. Maybe we could send him off to Master, then he'd never have to worry about being caught…"

"I'd never let my brother within a mile of your master, Moyashi." Kanda sighed and finally decided to drop his angry posture in favor of sitting down. He was afraid to sit on Allen's bed with him, who knew how that'd be taken and at the very least it'd make them both uncomfortable. So instead he sat on the stony floor with his back resting on the bed frame. The floor was not the nicest place to sit, but it would do.

"I know, and I wouldn't wish my master on anyone either. But actually travelling like that would be the best thing for Satoru when the going gets tough. If he's just traveling to wherever he wants to go and doesn't move in any specific pattern, he'll be hard to find. Cross just went to wherever he remembered having a rich lover, so maybe Satoru could go to wherever there are big libraries or something? He's Knowledge, he'd probably enjoy that."

Kanda turned and gave Allen a sharp glare. "Are you saying he should indulge that side of him?" He asked incredulously. Allen was the last person Kanda would've suspected of wanting Satoru to become a Noah.

"No," Allen answered with a shake of his head, "what I am saying is that he's going to change whether we like it or not, so he might as well enjoy himself."

Kanda looked like he'd just been slapped in the face. Some part of him had thought that if Satoru just fought against it, it would never take over. He'd wanted to believe that the creature living in his brother -that _parasite_- would just stay in the back of Satoru's mind as long as he wanted it there. The thought of the change being inevitable had never crossed his mind.

"There's….no way to stop it?" He asked, looking to the floor so that whatever was being displayed in his eyes would not be seen. Allen sighed in a most forlorn manner.

"Of course not; he's knowledge incarnate. There's a reason they say 'you learn something new everyday,' you really do. The only way to stop him from making his Noah more powerful would be to confine him, and we're trying to prevent that. Besides, the more he fights it, the more painful it'll be when that thing takes over."

Painful? What would the Noah do to its own host?

Allen could hardly stand the way Kanda seemed to be sinking. It always seemed like he was sinking lately, like he'd been treading water for too long and his legs were slowly giving out on him. He had a lot on his shoulders and Allen knew he was partially to blame for that. The least he could do was try to make this one burden easier to bear.

Kanda startled a little when he heard Allen move behind him and the boys legs appeared on either side of him. His surprise turned into confusion when his hair fell around his shoulders with a little _shhh_. Tilting his head backwards, he looked up at Allen questioningly.

"Well?"

Allen sighed with a resigned smile. "I'm just too weak-willed," he said, as if that explained everything. It wasn't his fault that Kanda had just sat there, practically begging him to play with his hair. Allen had always wanted to, and now seemed like the perfect time to do it; the older boy was going to need something to keep him calm as Allen spoke to him. Kanda didn't know this though, so he just shrugged and straightened his neck.

"When someone goes Noah, they can either embrace it or fight against it. Take Rhode, I've told you about her, right? She got Noah's dreams, so she was more than happy to let the Noah take over. She let herself go easily and so now, Noah form or not she's completely insane and sadistic. Then again, she wasn't a very nice child to begin with, so perhaps the Noah just helped that along…

"Then there's Skin, who I don't think you've had the displeasure of meeting-"

"-Stupid, burly and ugly? He's after my general."

"So you have met him. Well, he got Noah's wrath, so at first he fought and suffered through the process of changing. Even after he changed, he was never happy because he was the embodiment of anger. Thankfully Satoru is knowledge, so he'll still be able to enjoy life after he changes completely. Of course, there's a sort of middle-ground for Noah, too. He could be like Tyki, and live as both a human being and a Noah. It's a difficult balance to maintain though."

Kanda tried to think about this situation from a brother's point of view and not as an exorcist. As Satoru's brother, he should be concerned about Satoru being happy as a Noah, since his fate was sealed. And if there was a way for Satoru to remain somewhat human then that was even better, even if it did mean having a split personality. Somewhere in the back of his mind Kanda thought it must be a cold day in hell when the Moyashi used Tyki as a good example.

'_Well, the devil must be pulling on a sweater right about now, then.'_

"So… basically we should hope that he chooses that last option, right?" Kanda asked, not looking up at Allen as the boy gently ran his mismatched fingers through his hair, the different textures against his scalp was oddly relaxing.

"No. The best thing for Satoru would be to embrace the Noah fully, but control it. I've never told anyone this before and the only person who knows about this is my master but… There was once a 14th Noah. This Noah had a brother, and while at first he was content to be what he was, he started to resent his Noah side because it frightened and upset his brother. This Noah learned how to control his Noah instincts and used the bond he had with his blood brother to break the bonds he had with the Noah and the Earl. Satoru can't stop himself from becoming a Noah, but that doesn't mean he has to join their side now does it?"

Kanda blinked a few times in confusion; he's just naturally assumed that Satoru would leave the moment he was fully reborn as a Noah, he never even considered that there was a way to completely break the bond between the Noah and run away. Sure, Satoru had done it before but he wasn't yet a complete Noah, the bond was still weak. But perhaps, if he had the will, he could do it.

"What happened to the traitor Noah?" Kanda asked, finally seeing fit to look at Allen again. The white-haired boy just gave him an enigmatic smile as one of his hands came down to rest over Kanda's cheek.

"Only God knows," he said and left it at that.

**Okay, so as Saya said at the top, went back, corrected some grammar, added in some hints about Allen's past that weren't quite there before, yadda yadda. Saya is going to try and get some more Yulleny stuff in here, so hang tight?**

*it's the last week of May, Allen's cast comes off near the end of June


	78. Sneaking

**And here's the next one, for your viewing pleasure. Stuff goes really bad, really quick from here on out. Well, actually, Saya should leave it up to you to decide if it gets bad or not. Oh well, let's go! **

**Rated: M 'cause that's just what the story's rated. Lately the chapters have been very tame though…this one's probably another K/T chappie.**

78. Sneaking

"You can't be doing this!" Komui sounded far less composed than he usually did in this situation. "I demand to know why such an order has been given!"

"It's simple, Supervisor," one of the mysterious Grand General's responded with a flippant tone. To Komui's ears the voice was almost slimy and crawled over his skin unpleasantly. "We've discovered mass amounts of new information, but we must test it immediately if we want to put it to good use."

"Why should we test it? What was stated in that tome was fact and you know it! Or do you doubt the Bookman clan's archives?" Komui shouted back. He couldn't believe this was going to happen, not now, not so soon. This information was supposed to prevent these sorts of things from happening so quickly!

"We do not doubt their information" -the figure's tone suggested otherwise- "We just wish to be sure that it is accurate. As a scientist you should know that not everything stated as a fact is one. So we must test each fact and any conjectures based upon it."

"But why now? Shouldn't the testing wait until the book has been completely examined, after all theories have been made and proper experiments have been planned? Rushing into such a thing is madness!" Komui wouldn't stand for this. He knew the Grand Generals were not ordering this testing to take place because they wanted to test the information. No, no, they were just out to torture their resident Noah.

"If we want to put what we have learned to good use as soon as possible, then it is only fitting that we do the experiments as they come up." These dogs! Komui hated feeling like he was surrounded by a bunch of ill-bred pit bulls. How could they be so cruel to a child?

"But there is no justification for doing these experiments in the first place," the Chinese man argued. There really wasn't. The information received from Allen had been taken as absolute fact and had been copied down as such. Komui trusted it; he saw no reason to experiment with it.

"Supervisor Komui!" Another of the Grand Generals spoke up indignantly, "You seem to have forgotten your place! Your job is not to second-guess us, it is to make sure our orders are followed!"

Komui winced at this point; if these people were dogs, then what did that make him? Their filthy bitch, most likely. He knew that was his job and that failure to follow orders would mean losing his job, and he couldn't risk that. His position was all that allowed him to protect the exorcists and finders, it was all that had kept Lenalee, Allen, and Satoru out of confinement. It was what stopped finders from being sacrificed carelessly, stopped exorcists from being used as tools. He couldn't give it up, but he couldn't just give this order, either.

They wanted to start experimentation on Satoru immediately. Komui could hardly believe this. Allen had given up that valuable information and cast suspicion on himself in order to save Satoru, he was going to have a break down if he ever learned of how badly that had backfired. And what about Kanda? If he learned about this he would become so murderous, no one would survive it. Komui didn't want to see those two siblings torn apart, either. These tests would surely drive Satoru to the edge, and very likely over it.

"God has given us an opportunity to investigate our enemies, Supervisor, it would be a shame to waste it."

'_Yeah, well your god can shove it.'_

Komui's face settled into a hard glare as he looked up at his superiors. "Fine," he said after a long pause, "I will properly ask Satoru if he will participate in these experiments. However, if he refuses then I will not force him to be a part of this. As a member of the church, I implore you to think deeply about just what your god would think about experimenting on a harmless child. Hasn't God already punished us for committing that sin?"

000

Satoru sighed forlornly as he thought over recent events. His big brother and Lavi were both leaving and wouldn't be back for weeks! He was going to be lonely without them. No, no, he'd be lonely without Yuu-nii around, the rabbit brat could stay away for as long as he wanted. Lenalee had been going off on missions constantly lately because of the number of inactive exorcists, so she wasn't around either. At least Allen would still be around to keep him company; the snow-haired boy had already had his cast taken off, but he'd be in a brace for about another month and so he was not yet allowed on missions. Satoru didn't know what he'd do once all of them were on missions again.

'_I suppose I can help out in the Science Department, or maybe I could help Jerry… If I'm going to be here, then I want to help.' _ Satoru just wanted something to do while he was wasting away in the tower, waiting for his dear friends to return. When they came back from a hard mission, he wanted to be able to tell them that he had been working hard, too, making it easier for them to relax at home.

The goodbyes had been simple, they'd just waved and said farewell, after which Satoru more or less coerced a hug out of his brother and threatened Lavi for attempting to come within three feet of him. Allen had just smiled awkwardly and promised to take good care of himself and Satoru.

"Man, what do you do when everyone's gone?" Satoru asked feeling completely bored out of his wits.

"I wouldn't know, since I'm not usually here either," Allen said, before grabbing another roll out of a bread basket that he was steadily making his way through. "When I have the choice though, I like to eat."

"You always like to eat, Allen. Besides, I can't do that because unlike a certain parasitic-type, I'll get fat."

"Haha, I guess you're right. Maybe I could teach you how to cheat at poker."

"I already know how."

"Really?" Allen raised an inquisitive eyebrow; this was news to him. A bit of a grin played on his face. "Well then, perhaps we should play a game or two? I've been playing for my life since I was about 12 so I'm sure you'll find me to be a worthy opponent."

Satoru's expression seemed to mirror Allen's own mischievous one and he grinned. "I've only been at it for a little over a year, but I'm sure I could give you a run for your money. I'd be more than glad to learn a thing or two from you, anyway."

"I'm sure you would be. Maybe we could work on our techniques together? If we practice some, we could get pretty good at working together to pull off a scam."

"Allen should you really be thinking like that?"

"Hey, I can't help it; my gambling skills are my pride and joy. If I wanna flaunt them I will."

"I think you mean cheating skills."

"A skill, nonetheless."

Despite Satoru's supposed aversion to scamming, he was quick to pick up all of the tricks Allen taught him, and soon enough they were practicing working together, testing their coordination on unsuspecting victims they found around the tower. They never played with stakes of course, but even playing just for the sake of playing was pretty fun.

Allen sighed contently at the end of the day. It had been a while since he had played so much, and now that he thought about it, all of the movement was probably good for his recuperating hand. He almost wanted to laugh at it, how he was going back to the very beginning like this. Poker had been physical therapy for his hand when he'd first invocated, and now here he was, thinking it would be a good idea to do that again.

Across from Allen in one of the arm chairs situated by an empty fireplace sat Satoru. He had a content look on his face; he'd enjoyed spending the day socializing. There was something about playing cards that made it easier to talk to people, and since Satoru only knew a select few people in the tower he was happy for the chance to expand his horizons.

"We should definitely play more often; I think it's good for my hand."

"We'll get bored if we play every day though."

"You can get bored of poker?"

Satoru laughed at the nearly incredulous look on Allen's face. "As a matter of fact, yes. Maybe we should switch up the games we play so that it doesn't get too repetitive; I once won a horse in a game of rummy."

Allen made a thoughtful expression as he thought the idea over. "I don't know, I don't trust a game I can't cheat at."

"That makes no logical sense," Satoru pointed out, "And besides, you can cheat at Rummy just like you can at any other game."

"What do you mean that doesn't make sen-"

"Excuse me for interrupting, Sir Walker." There was a tall man at the door that Allen only faintly recognized. He was probably a finder who was off-duty or something of the sort.

"Komui requests and audience with Sir Satoru," he went on after he was sure he had both of the boys' attention. The two looked at him strangely; why would Komui want Satoru? Shouldn't he be calling for Allen? Then again, neither of them could see why he'd really need Allen, either.

"Why does he want me?" The raven-haired teen asked, his head tilted to the side.

"I was not told, I was simply asked to get you." Satoru nodded and stood up when he heard this reply. He supposed it was just better to get it over with. Allen stood up to follow, but the man put his hand up as if to stop him.

"It was requested that he come alone, Sir Walker." At this Allen furrowed his eyebrows and scowled; what on earth was Komui calling Satoru for? A sense of foreboding settled in the pit of his stomach and the back of his throat, as though it wanted to be verbally expressed. However he sensed that it wasn't his place to interfere and sat back down. 

"I'll just meet you later then, Satoru," Allen said, as though he was reassuring himself that he would see Satoru later. How strange that he felt like he wouldn't.

"Later, right," Satoru replied almost absent-mindedly; he was already thinking of all the reasons Komui might have for calling him up like this. He waved over his shoulder and left the common room.

000

Maybe it was because of the worn out, upset expression on Komui's face, but he seemed to be aging. Satoru was more used to the slightly-crazed grin or the childish tears that the man usually sported. He wondered what was troubling the supervisor so and realized with an internal groan that he was probably the cause.

There was silence as Satoru sat down on the couch in front of Komui. It seemed to Satoru that Komui was reluctant to start, and so started for him.

"You needed me for something, Komui?"

"I…" When Komui refused to look at him, Satoru knew something was definitely wrong. "I am very sorry about this Satoru. It was no one's intention to have you get wrapped up in these things so quickly, not mine or Allen's or anyone's-"

"What's going on, Komui? You're not being very clear." Satoru was getting worried. He had a sneaking suspicion about what was to come and it only grew stronger with the mention of Allen.

"The Grand Generals have asked me to start experimenting. They want the Science department to test the theories and hypotheses made based on the information Allen gave us. They also want to reaffirm those facts by using you as a guinea pig," Komui said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with an expression of distain. This sort of research was so distasteful he couldn't imagine how anyone could ask for such things.

"Oh." Satoru understood why Komui was so upset now. He was worried for Satoru's well-being. The younger Kanda definitely didn't want to be a test subject and yet he found himself wondering if he could somehow help everyone by allowing it. They would be learning something from him, right? Besides, he was sure he was strong enough to handle a good deal of whatever they intended to put him through. He could learn about himself, too.

But no, his nii-sama would not want him to even consider this, and Allen would be devastated if he knew the information he'd given was going to be tested like this. Despite himself he started wondering if Lavi would care at all or if he would just be a bookman about it and observe from a distance.

"Just say no to these experiments, Satoru," Komui advised, "They say this is for the sake of knowledge, but really the Grand Generals just want to torture you because they view you as an enemy. They want to prove you can't be trusted, so they'll push you to the edge with their experiments, and the moment something goes wrong they'll cast the blame on you and use it as an excuse to confine you."

Satoru thought this over for a moment, which worried Komui. There shouldn't have been anything to think about at all; it should have been obvious that the best choice was to just refuse to cooperate and leave the tower as soon as he could. Yet despite this Satoru was still thinking. After all, even thought Komui had said that this was just an excuse to make him out to be unworthy of the Order's trust, if these experiments went well then the Order would make important discoveries that could tip the balance of the war in their favor. Anything that might help keep his friends and brother alive was worth trying.

"What sort of experiments would you be doing?" Satoru asked, not wanting to make a decision before he knew everything about the situation. Komui looked troubled by his response, he'd been hoping for Satoru to flat-out refuse. This little sliver of curiosity would look like an opening to the higher-ups; they'd force Komui to pry into it until Satoru said yes.

"It will start out humane enough, at the moment the only orders have been for simple things like blood and hair samples, so that we may study the genetic information of the Noah. After that I'm not quite sure; there might be some endurance tests, psychological ones, you may be forced to come into contact with innocence. After that, I imagine they will start developing weapons to use against the Noah and they will probably want to test those on you. That's really only the tip of the iceberg; the people at Central have sick minds, who knows what they will come up with. You could die if things go too far."

"But this will all help keep the exorcists and finders safe, won't it?"

"That would be meaningless if you died in the effort."

"If I can help I want to."

"It's not worth your life!"

There was a moment of shocked silence after Komui shouted; it was so unusual for him to raise his voice like that, they'd both been thrown off by it. Even so, Satoru had it stuck in his head that he might be able to do some good, and he wanted to do anything he could to help. If his condition could be used to benefit everyone then he should at least try to help.

"I'm sorry Komui, but I think I am willing to cooperate here." How odd it was that he was apologizing for cooperating! It was so backwards.

"Satoru, shouldn't you at least think about this more? What would your brother say if he knew you'd agreed to this? As an older sibling myself, I think I can speak for Kanda when I say that he'd be horribly angry and upset. You'd worry him to no end, you'd worry everyone!"

Satoru internally flinched at the mention of Yuu, but stood his ground. This was for his brother after all, his brother and everyone else who was risking their lives for the sake of the world.

"He doesn't need to know what's going on, this can be treated as confidential, I imagine?"

"But-"

"-I just want to help, Komui. If anything can be learned from me, then I will work with everyone to find what we can." Satoru was firm in his decision; Komui could see it in his eyes that had seemed to turn to steel.

"I… Alright. The tests will start in a week or so. I will do as you wish and keep this a secret, but in exchange you must promise me something."

"What, Komui?" Satoru prompted. Komui looked his straight in the eye, and Satoru knew that Komui would not allow him to continue like this if he did not agree to the older man's terms.

"The moment things become too dangerous for you, the very minute the tests become life-threatening or you feel the Noah gaining power, you must drop the tests. If you go against this condition, I will have no recourse but to inform your brother and Allen of you decision to undergo testing."

Satoru's eyes widened, what sort of condition was that? The most important things would be learned from the most dangerous tests! At the very least, the things that would help on the battlefield would have to be learned through a bit of risky research. And why would Allen be told of his decision to do this? Granted, he'd know soon after Yuu did, but still.

"Why would you tell them?" Satoru asked, looking defensive.

"Because they would make you stop," Komui answered simply, "They would make you stop and then protect you from the higher-ups until they could get you out of the tower. I imagine that if you suddenly drop out of the experiments in the middle or if you are forced out of them, headquarters will not be a very safe place for you any longer. You'll need to leave."

He hadn't thought of that. If Satoru said yes now and then backed out when the going got tough, he'd have to leave for his own safety. Also, if his Noah took control during one of the experiments then he would be confined. But what would happen if he just said no now? There would be no reason to confine him, but his stay here definitely wouldn't be made very comfortable.

"Sleep on this decision, Satoru," Komui said, which ended the conversation. Satoru nodded and left the office.

000

Allen nibbled nervously at his dango as he waited for Satoru to come to dinner. The boy hadn't returned to the lounge they'd been in, and as a matter of fact Allen hadn't seen him at all after Satoru was called to Komui's office. Worry churned away in his stomach as he waited impatiently for Satoru to come down to dinner. He heaved a sigh of relief when the boy finally walked through the dining hall's large double doors.

Satoru seemed to be in a daze as he walked through the maze of people and tables, it was fortunate that he hadn't bumped into anyone. Allen pulled the younger boy into the seat next to him as he passed.

"Satoru, why were you called to Komui's office? It sounded serious," Allen said, his voice snapping the other boy out of his daze.

"Ah, it was nothing nearly as important as that guy made it seem," Satoru said, lying through his teeth. "He just wanted to ask about how I was doing here, if I'd had any problems, and had me answer some questions about my, uh, condition." Satoru looked Allen in the eye as he spoke, trying his hardest not to make the action seem too forced.

Allen furrowed his eyebrows at Satoru's explanation. There was no way that was all Komui had called him up for. The white-haired boy stared intensely at Satoru, looking for something that would reveal the truth. All he found was a perfect poker face.

"Why would Komui say that you had to come alone for something so simple as that?" He asked a pout on his face.

"Because such questions can get personal, clearly," Satoru replied without missing a beat. "What if I had to give an answer that I didn't want anyone to hear, because it was embarrassing or too private? Having me come alone was more or less a precaution."

Allen spent another moment scrutinizing Satoru with his eyes before he decided to just let it slide. Satoru was safe and here now after all, so it couldn't have been too bad. So why had his worry not subsided?

000

Kanda wasn't feeling so great. He didn't get motion sickness, so he wondered why riding this train through the French countryside was making him feel ill. It wasn't quite a physical illness though, it was more like a bad premonition. Something somewhere wasn't right, but for as long as he was stuck in this little train compartment with the damn rabbit-brat, there was nothing he could do about it.

He didn't seem to be the only one who was uneasy though, for Lavi was being particularly quiet. It was nothing out of the ordinary for Kanda to just sit still as a stone and look out the window, but for Lavi to not at least attempt conversation was truly out of the ordinary.

"Something isn't right," Kanda finally said, breaking the silence. Lavi looked up at him with an expression of surprise.

"Read my mind, Yuu-chan."

"Don't call me that."

"But really, what do ya think it is?" Lavi could hardly stand this feeling; the cause was too uncertain, there were so many things that could cause such an ill sensation.

"Haven't a clue."

"What a help you are." Lavi huffed and pushed his hair away from his face, only to have it fall back into place. "I guess I'm just as useless though." It wasn't like Lavi had any idea what this apprehension was all about. Another moment of silence passed as the two teens mauled over the different possibilities. Perhaps this mission was going to be a lot more difficult than they thought? Maybe headquarters had been attacked and they'd return to a pile of rubble? It might be that something bad was going to happen to someone close to them. There was no way to find out just what was wrong.

"So," Lavi broke from his useless pondering the moment that he realized it was indeed useless. "Got anything ya wanna talk about that would make for a good distraction? Well, you know, something that I could talk about while you don't listen."

"As a matter of fact, yes." Lavi suddenly felt like leaving the compartment when his so-called best friend gave him a basilisk's glare. What had he done this time?

"U-uh… well then, go for it."

"What's the deal with you and my little brother?" Kanda asked upfront. It had been bothering him for a while, even a bit before he'd seen the positively disturbing accident in Lavi's room. Ever since that day way back when Satoru had first left the tower with the redhead, the two had seemed closer. He couldn't exactly explain how they seemed closer, they just were. It was reminiscent of the way Kanda had been with Allen such a long time before when he'd been the only one to know of Allen's affiliation with the Noah. A bond over a secret, perhaps? But no, it wasn't quite like that either, just close. Maybe they'd just reached some sort of understanding on that day?

Whatever the case, there was something different about them. Satoru didn't seem to shy away from Lavi as much as he did before, though maybe that was just because he'd gotten used to it. But Lavi looked at Satoru a bit differently, too. Not in a bad way, Kanda supposed, but it still bugged him. It almost seemed like Lavi knew something about Satoru that he didn't.

Lavi's reaction to Kanda's question was a few minutes of wide-eyed staring, and a bit of blinking toward the end. Then he cracked an awkward smile and scratched the back of his head. Well, he could think of a few things he'd done that Kanda might consider sketchy, and then there were those more platonic feelings of respect he had toward the boy. There were a lot of things really, but he wasn't really sure which things should be hidden.

"Well, nothing really. I guess I tease 'im a lot, but I do that to everyone. I respect him a lot too, 'cause I'm sure what he's living through can't be easy but he's fairing just fine. And…ah, not really sure how to put this but… he's got a sort of relaxing quality about him, you know? Like he can see through everything and you know it, so there's no need for pretenses. I like him or something, I guess? I dunno, what kinda answer are you looking for here, anyway?"

"Hm…" Kanda scrutinized Lavi for a few minutes. It seemed as though Lavi was being truthful, but at the same time there was something that Kanda just didn't trust in that explanation. Kanda rarely ever completely trusted Lavi, he just got this strange feeling that he had never seen this person completely and never would. It was hard to trust the words of someone like that.

"Honestly Yuu-chan, I'm not doing anything with your brother." That was not completely true of course, but Kanda didn't need to know that.

"Better not be," Kanda grumbled out, deciding that since he had nothing more than a gut feeling on the matter, it would be best to just believe the rabbit when he said he'd done nothing. Besides, Satoru would definitely tell him if Lavi did anything strange, right?

Lavi sighed in relief, feeling like he'd just dodged a well-aimed bullet. Kanda and Satoru would be the death of him, surely.

000

Judging from the fact that he felt a bit lethargic and faint, Satoru had to assume that he was anemic. Of course, that hadn't stopped the nurse from taking blood, even though she'd clearly wanted to stop him from doing this. If the higher-ups wanted something, they got it. He remembered the strict-faced Matron, looking at him with a pitying yet determined and respectful expression.

"_I never suspected you were one of them," she'd said as she inserted the needle, "But I feel it makes no difference. I've seen you enough times to know you are a kind person, and I am sorry that you are being treated this way by the Grand Generals."_

She'd looked so regretful; it was hard to believe she was the same woman who'd terrorized escaped patients. Satoru was thankful to know that she didn't think any differently now that she knew he was a Noah.

But that hardly mattered at the moment, because he was just a few steps away from his door and he wanted to do nothing more than sleep for the rest of the day. He hoped he wasn't asked to give blood again anytime soon, because he didn't like this feeling and people would notice if he was tired at random times during the day. They'd worry, and when people worried they pried; Satoru didn't want that.

Leaning against the door of his room shortly after closing it, the boy took a deep breath before making his way to his bed and falling into the sheets.

000

This mission was almost too easy, it was unnerving. There was nothing but a bunch of mindless level ones hanging around, and that seemed odd as Komui had deemed it appropriate to send two exorcists. The Order was usually quite good at guessing how many people would be needed to complete a mission, so the fact that Lavi and Kanda were yawning during their supposed battles was odd. It felt more like they were bullying a bunch of kids, rather than fighting off monsters.

As it was, they were set to go back home a week ahead of time. The information the finders had given Komui on this place had been a bit misconstrued due to the fact that it was passed between quite a few people orally before being written down. That all basically meant that the mysterious happenings going on in this place were not due to innocence or anything particularly supernatural at all, it was just a few neighborhood teens messing around. The only thing special about this place was the presence of akuma, and even that wasn't so outstanding.

Perhaps it was because this town was so ordinary (by exorcists' standards) that they encountered no Noah. Kanda was rather grateful for this; they would surely be particularly venomous toward Lavi and himself for taking both Allen and Satoru away from them. Not that Kanda was afraid, but he was thankful that he wouldn't have to fight a difficult battle. He knew just how tough those Noah were.

The two older boys looked at the ceiling of the hotel they were staying at, each trying to fall asleep and failing. That bad feeling was still with them, stronger now. Since the mission wasn't the problem, it had to be something at home.

"So Yuu, what do you think we'll find when we get back?" Lavi asked, worrying aloud whereas Kanda was keeping his concerns to himself.

"Everything will be fine," he said in a final tone; this wasn't a topic he wanted to dwell on. "We probably just ate something bad on the way here. There's nothing wrong."

"Heh," Lavi let out a dry chuckle, "How optimistic of you."

"Hn."

**Ah, everyone's got a bad feeling now. No one wants to see dear Satoru hurt, but the kid is just so determined to help. He's sort of naïve that way, you could say. Oh well, he'll learn eventually.**


End file.
